Sehun,

Every year, we talk. About music or funny moments or whatever else. Our conversations I cherish- don’t think for a moment that that isn’t true. But there’s one thing that we never talk about, and seeing as we don’t, I thought that I would write about it instead.

And I want you to know that I’m sorry. There’s not a day that I don’t regret my actions that night.

I can remember the day after it happened, I remember it so clearly. The paramedics telling me that it was over, that I needed to go home and get some rest. I remember arguing with them, saying that what I needed wasn’t rest, what I needed was my boyfriend back. They only said that there was nothing anybody could’ve done, and they said it over and over, so many times. They told me that you’d been dead as soon as the car hit the post. I think I got taken out by security. I’m pretty sure it was because I punched a wall.

That night, I went to sleep crying. When you woke up beside me the next day, I thought I’d gone mad, but I didn’t care because right then being mad was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. Then the next day, you were gone.

I’ve thought about what happened a million times. I should never have drunk so much. I should’ve accepted when Jongin had offered us a lift home because he was the only legal driver amongst us. There are endless shoulds and shouldn’ts, but not one of them can change what was. I gave up my chance, my chance to spend the rest of my life with you, and now I’ll always have to carry that burden with me. Its funny how much can change in a few seconds of your life. That how long it took for the car to crash, isn’t it? Just a few seconds.

I can’t imagine what would happen to me if you stopped visiting. One day I may be able to move on, be able to love another; perhaps someday I’ll even adopt children with someone new who cares for me and me them. But I will never forget you. You’re my true love, Sehun- and I mean that in past, present and future tenses. You have been since I saw you that sitting on the bleachers all those years ago. Since then, it’s always been you.

Because we never talk, I still don’t know to this day whether you forgive me or not. Maybe I’m not meant to know. I suppose I should count my blessings, because I’m lucky to have you at all. Even so, I pray that at least someday you might tell me how you really feel. I could say that I’m sorry a hundred times, but after a while I guess the phrase would lose meaning. All I want to know is whether you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me for what I did.

I am so sorry, Sehun. I always will be.

All my love,

Xi Luhan