Christmas morning. For most, it was a time of joy, a time of stockings and Santa and children waiting impatiently for their parents to wake so that they could open their presents. Walking down the streets of suburban Seoul, you would see smiling faces and Christmas trees; images that only truly belonged in postcards. But, if you looked closely enough, you would be sure to find a few exceptions.

One exception was called Luhan.

Luhan was waiting.

The night previous, while everybody else was sitting round fires and praying for snow to come, that boy was in a frenzy. He had spent the entirety of his day scrubbing tabletops and aligning cutlery to absolute perfection, showering twice and t his fingernails down until there was nothing left to trim. Though he had sent himself to bed early, he ended up having to down some pills meant for chronic insomniacs before he was able to pass out into a dreamless slumber. Usually, he got to sleep fine; it was only one night of the year that he had this problem.

It wasn’t his family that he wanted everything to be perfect for. His family knew better than to contact him at this time of the year, because no matter how much they pleaded, he would always decline them. Christmas was his day for one person in his life, and one person only. And if he was forced to ostracize himself from the people he loved for that short period of time, then that was exactly what he would do.

At 11:38AM, the doorbell rang. As soon as he heard that sound, Luhan’s heart jumped into his throat. What if he’s early this year? He sprinted to open the door, stopping to prepare himself before he flung it open.

It was the postman. Luhan took the parcel and tried to cover his disappointment with a smile, thanking him and wishing him a ‘Merry Christmas.’

The parcel was for number 39 down the road, and he made himself a note to deliver it as soon as possible. He knew the family who lived at number 39; they had told him that they were going to travel to China for the winter holidays. Mrs Shin reminded him of his mother, and he’d smothered all feelings of guilt when he’d smiled and said that he was sure they’d have a great time.

Every year, he worried. Worried that something would change, that perhaps this time he wouldn’t visit, that maybe one year Luhan would be forgotten about. So far it hadn’t happened, but he was more than aware that things couldn’t stay the same forever.

Staring at his reflection in the mirror, he fretted that he looked stupid. He’d forgotten amidst the pressure of having to do countless other things to visit the hairdressers and get his roots touched up. Black was now visible beneath his mop of white-blonde hair, and he only prayed that it wasn’t too obvious. He fiddled with the hem of his jumper, scared that it was too childish. What had originally seemed ‘cute’ now looked stupid and infantile. The black and white colourings contrasted with one each other, making the patterns somewhat of an eyesore. If I had a wider social circle, I could get a second opinion on it, he thought bitterly to himself. But there was no time to be negative. It was 11:57AM.

All previous years except the first, the doorbell had rung at noon on the dot- never a minute later. Sitting on a kitchen chair as primly as possible, he watched the clock tick tick tick its way closer to the number ’12.’ When all clock hands hit the top, Luhan held his breath and looked at the door.

And... Nothing.

Glancing back at the clock, he read the time again: it was now 12:02. He felt as though somebody had just poured a bucket of cold water over his head.

It was wrong for him to feel so upset, but he couldn’t help it. Doubts swelled to the surface: what if he's not coming, what if last year was the final visit? Falling backwards onto the couch, he tried to block out the thoughts multiplying in his mind, doubling and tripling until they were not even thoughts and just a swarm of uncertainty. The optimistic side of him said that it was okay, he wouldn't not show up without notice, but when had his optimistic side ever been right? This had never happened before, and Luhan didn't know how he was going to cope with it. He buried his face in his hands, breathing in deep through his mouth.

Then the doorbell rang.

Luhan sat up straight. Had he really heard that? He stopped breathing, holding his air in his lungs to see if there was anything else to hear. He checked the clock. It was 12:04. And then-

Ring ring.

That time he definitely heard it. He stood up and quickly straightened himself out, taking a few final deep breaths before heading towards the door. He was trembling a little, when had that happened. Bracing himself, he twisted the lock and pulled. This time if it was somebody other than the one expected, he wasn’t sure how he would react.

Thankfully, he didn’t have to find out.

“Hello, hyung.”

No matter how long it had been, Oh Sehun never failed to stun Luhan.

“Sorry I’m late.” His voice may have left the frost solid in the trees, but it melted Luhan down to a warm puddle on the floor.

The blonde haired boy stood in his doorway, hovering somewhere between joy and shock. And then he smiled. He smiled like he hadn’t in months, a grin that threatened to rip his face in two.

Leaping onto him and curling his legs round his waist, he buried his face deep into the warmth of Sehun’s neckline. So quiet that Sehun nearly didn’t hear him, Luhan mumbled a few words into the fabric of his parka.

“I’ve missed you.”

The arms around him tightened, and Luhan felt that at last, he had come home.

 

*

 

Back inside the warmth, all the effort Luhan had put into making his home look spotless seemed pointless. His home looked like something that you would find in a furniture catalogue, but not in a good way. If somebody was asked to describe his home in one word, the first thing that would come to mind would be ‘sterile.’

Sehun held a bouquet of crumpled flowers by his chest. Awkwardly, he held them out towards him. “I got you some flowers but, er- They got kind of crushed when you jumped on me.” Luhan’s cheeks flushed red while Sehun chuckled lowly.

“They’re lovely!” he exclaimed, trying to hide his embarrassment. “Stay right there, I’ll go and get something to put them in.”

Luhan hadn’t noticed that his guest had been carrying flowers of any kind, but now that he did, he realized that they were beautiful. Making his way towards the stairs, he stopped when Sehun said his name.

“Oh, and Luhan?”

“Yes?” he turned, looking at him expectantly.

Sehun stood in the middle of his room, zipped up snugly in his large thermal coat. The corner of his mouth twitched, as he flicked the hair out of his eyes. “I like your jumper.”

 

*

 

Frost was kicked off their boots as they re-entered the house. It had been Sehun’s idea to go for a walk.

“But where to?” Luhan had asked.

“Nowhere. Anywhere.” He shrugged his shoulders to emphasise his point. “It doesn’t really matter. Let’s just go out, yeah?”

Luhan had agreed, and they’d wandered round the neighbourhood long enough for their ears to freeze and their noses to become numb. Due to the icy weather and the fact that it was Christmas day, the streets had remained more or less deserted for the entirely of their walk. Luhan had apologized that there was nowhere more pretty nearby to enjoy, but Sehun had said that it was okay. When Luhan had complained that he couldn’t feel his fingers, Sehun had timidly pried at his hand, intertwining theirs together. They’d spent the rest of the walk like this, hand in hand, quietly enjoying the others’ presence.

In truth, even now Luhan worried.

It was lovely, the time that they had together. Fluffy and sugary, with lots of silly banter and meaningful touches. But Luhan was greedy, and he wanted more than this. Sat on the sofa beside him, he couldn’t help but be aware of the time limit that they were on, and the distance between them. His concern built up inside him, stronger and stronger, until finally he snapped.

Breaking their momentary silence, he forced out the words that weighed down on his shoulders. “Why do you have to leave?”

The man sat beside him sighed, looking not at him, but at the coffee table facing him. “I just do.”

“But why?” He demanded to know. Each year, he’d come and he’d go, never giving him anything more than a few touches and kisses, all fleeting and too far apart. Shouldn’t they be making the most of their time together? “Why?”

When he didn’t reply- when he didn’t so much as look at him -Luhan felt himself becoming angry. If this was the way it had to be, then he’d be damned if he didn’t get anything in return.

Swinging a leg over Sehun’s lap, he grasped onto his shirt so that the person beneath him was effectively trapped. Sehun’s eyes widened at this sudden approach, but Luhan didn’t see as he bent his head down and crushed his lips to his.

The act was not unfamiliar, but he couldn’t understand nor handle the feelings coupled with it. Without his coat, Sehun seemed so much less bulky. He could feel him, he could feel the sharp angles of his torso, the heat of his body beneath his fingertips, the rise and fall of his chest with each passing breath. He felt real, more real than ever before. When he felt a hot wetness staining his cheeks, it was Sehun who pulled back.

“Don’t cry, Lu-ge.” His voice in his ears sounded so soft, so delicate, that it only made Luhan cry harder. Comforting arms s round his back and the boy collapsed on top of him, muffled sobs filling the room.

He didn’t know how long he cried for, but eventually the feeling of Sehun tracing patterns into his back made his tears dry.

“Are you okay?” Luhan needed to remember to cherish the sound of his lispy voice, because in all the time apart he had forgotten how lovely it sounded. He nodded, replaying Sehun’s words in his head, saving them to memory.

Now calm, he tilted his head back and tentatively pressed his lips to the man’s jaw as lightly as he could. Drawing his body round to face him, Luhan looked at Sehun, at his blue blue eyes and milky white skin. He was sure he looked a mess in comparison, eyes red and swollen, face blotchy, but he tried not to let that faze him. This time the kiss he gave was shy, it was gentle, it tried to coax Sehun out of his shell and kiss him back. Eventually it worked, and when he prodded the elders’s lips with his tongue, Luhan was of course willing to let him in.

Yet he was still hesitant. Luhan trailed his hands down the thick fabric of Sehun’s shirt, getting used to the feel of him, remembering the sensation. Wanting more, wanting to feel skin on skin, he began to his shirt, running his fingers over the smooth planes of his chest. When Sehun sighed into his mouth, a tremor ran down his spine, like he had a massive cable running down his back and somebody had just turned the electricity on.

Their tongues danced together in one another’s mouth as if they never would again, and each of them tasted so sweet that it was hard not to become intoxicated. The more accustomed Luhan became to the way the other’s body felt, the more he wanted. It had been far too long. Leaving his chest, he moved his fingers down to the other’s belt buckle, grazing his crotch with his palms. Sehun groaned, but to Luhan’s surprise he grabbed his wrists, stilling his actions.

“Luhan- Stop.” His voice was husky and Luhan knew that the words that coming from his mouth were not a reflection of his true desires. He ignored him.

“Mm” he breathed, hands travelling back down to his buckle. Sehun fed into it a while before finding his resolve and pushing him away.

“Stop” he repeated. This time Luhan listened, leaning back.

Sehun was torn. He wanted more but he knew it would just make it harder than necessary for Luhan once he was gone. “I don’t- I have to leave after today-” He tried to phase his words so he could explain himself but failed. And he really didn’t need to remind the man again that their time together was inevitably perishable.

“I don’t want you to miss me when I’m gone, this might make things harder for you.” He said the sentence carefully, glancing up the see Luhan’s reaction.

His face streaked in the trails of dried tears, the boy’s voice was fragile, as the faintest of smiles touched the corners of his lips. “Sehun-ah” his name sounded out the most beautiful of symphonies. “I always miss you.”

Luhan kissed him once more, and when he pushed the man down onto the pillows beneath him, Sehun didn’t protest.

 

*

 

After, it was peaceful. The two men were content in each others’ presence in a way that they hadn’t been in a long time. It had already turned dark outside, the sky heavy and suffocating. But neither were looking outside.

A heavy blanket was laid atop their knees, covering them from the waist and below. It wasn’t cold, the blanket was just there for pride’s sake. Luhan was happy, and so in turn his lover was happy too: he hadn’t thought of the other as his ‘lover’ in a long time. Sehun’s lips ghosted across his collarbones, making him shiver. Maybe it was the way his afterglow had turned his body to jelly, maybe it was the feeling of Sehun’s legs tangled in his that made him blurt out the secret that he had never planned to say, but as soon as he’d said it, he wished he’d kept his mouth shut.

“I’ve never been with anyone since you, you know.”

Sehun made a short sound of amusement, the close proximity of his face to Luhan’s chest tickling him in the nicest of ways. “Don’t lie to me.”

“No, I don’t mean that, I mean- That I’ve never been with anybody since you.” It still didn’t make much sense, but Sehun got it.

He sat up, and the look Luhan found on his face made him regret ever opening his mouth.

“You mean-” Luhan felt his cheeks begin to burn. Sehun just looked at him, vaguely shocked.

“But... It’s been years, Lu.” Luhan didn’t look him in the eye, but tried to explain while keeping his head focused on his lap.

“It’s not like I never had the opportunity before. There was one guy, his name was Yixing, and he was great.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “Sometimes, he even made me almost forget about you, and I felt I could tell him nearly anything... But one day, we went out to a bar, and later on we went back to his place. I was full of alcohol, I could have easily- I know Yixing wanted to. But when he touched me, all I could think about was you, us, about what we used to be. And I just couldn’t. So I apologized, got my stuff together, and I left. I felt bad because I knew it was unfair, but- It was like I was betraying you, Sehun. Because he wasn’t you.”

When he looked up, Sehun’s frown was set deeply into his face. “It’s not meant to be like this.”

Though their bodies were still intertwined, there was now a rift between them. Sehun’s next words were spoken quietly. “Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe this has gone too long.”

“No.” Why had he said anything? Now, the bliss of earlier seemed like a dream. “It’s not.” Fear rose up from his stomach like a swarm of butterflies threatening to overtake him. Without even really thinking about it, he gripped onto Sehun’s forearm. “Don’t go.”

“If I wasn’t here, you would have moved on by now.” He jerked his legs away from Luhan’s a little too swiftly, bumping his toe on the coffee table.

“I don’t want to move on. The only person I want is you.” Luhan began to panic and he beat back the tears. He was determined not to cry twice in one day. But what he said was nothing but truth. He knew, whether or not Sehun visited him, he would still be just as in love with him as he had been the day that they’d met. There was no ‘getting over’ him.

Sehun looked at the man on the opposite end of the sofa, and he melted a little. Though Sehun was and always would be the younger, to him, Luhan always looked exactly like the foolhardy teenage boy they had both once been. He wondered if Luhan saw him the same way.

He looked down at his wrist, his hand beginning to turn white from Luhan’s fierce grip. Gently, he pried the fingers off his forearm, and curled that arm around the tense looking boy, shuffling closer to him. Slowly, he felt the boy relax back into his arms.

“I won’t leave you” he sighed. “Until you don’t want me, I’ll stay.”

Luhan bit his lip. Barely one day out of three hundred and sixty five did Sehun visit him, but he kept his mouth shut. He’d had enough confrontations today, and he was more than grateful to have Sehun at all. He just wanted to enjoy their Christmas together; he didn’t want to argue anymore.

Neither noticed the first flake of snow that fell from the sky. The second and third too fluttered down, unnoticed and invisible, melting as soon as they hit the ground. But more and more joined them, and soon there were flurries of them, cascading down from the heavens.

Luhan gasped a little as he glanced out of the window and saw. “Hyung, look! It’s snowing!”

Sehun looked, and saw that Luhan was right. He began to smile.

For now, their disagreements had been forgotten.

 

*

 

Hunting for their clothes was a challenge, but eventually they gathered them all up. Neither took their time in dressing themselves, legs being shoved into the wrong garments and tripping over each other’s feet in their haste. Eventually they were ready, and unbolting the door, rushed out into the snow like a pair of children.

The snow made everything sound muffled, as if somebody had just turned a dial and muted the city. It made the drab houses and the boring cars look picturesque, and Luhan loved it. He squealed in delight as the flakes landed on his nose and melted on his cheeks. Sehun couldn’t help but watch him, the adorable way his eyes shimmered like a... what? Frowning, he tried to think of what the boy reminded him of. He observed the light dusting of white in his hair, and the rosiness of his complexion. It was something Christmassy, for sure. And then it clicked. Once he worked it out, he couldn’t tear his eyes off him.

After a while, Luhan noticed Sehun, who was doing nothing but standing in the snow, gazing at him. “What are you looking at?” he called out playfully.

Sehun tilted his head down, saying nothing. Should he tell him? It would be ironic in the biggest sense of the word.

“I was just thinking-” he began, but he never got to finish that sentence. A ball of snow hit him square in the face, the sound of Luhan’s maniacal laughter ringing in his ears. Right, he grinned devilishly. The war is on.

Before Luhan had time to recover from his laughing fit, Sehun had a fistful of ice and was getting ready to throw it. Without having time to cover himself, the snowball was thrown, colliding into the side of his face. Luhan screamed in what was definitely not a manly way, and minutes later snowballs littered the sky as the boys battled for their lives.

“Okay okay, I give in!” Luhan laughed shrilly, falling to the snow in his tiredness. His cheeks were flushed the prettiest of pinks from their fight, and Sehun stumbled over to him, collapsing by his side.

Their breath could be seen, forming intricate shapes before fading into the air. Looking at him once more, Sehun remembered what he had been thinking earlier, and decided he wanted to say it.

“When you’re like this, you look like an angel.” Luhan glanced at him, and a short gust of air escaped his mouth.

“Like what?”

“In the snow. Happy.”

Sehun rolled over on top of Luhan, pressing him down into the cold whiteness that surrounded them. Now that they had evolved from their previous sweet days of hand holding and kisses on the cheek, he could have done any number of dirty things with the smaller blonde. But he didn’t. Instead, he lowered himself and, careful not to crush the boy below, pecked him on the nose.

“Luhan?”

“Yes?” His nose tingled from the memory of Sehun’s kiss.

“Let’s built a snowman.”

 

*

 

It was sometime after that when Sehun decided that he was hungry. Eager to eat, he complained until Luhan begrudgingly went back inside to make them some food. Neither could be bothered with the eccentricities of a formal Christmas dinner, and so they ended up picking at the foods that they thought looked the nicest. One food in particular intrigued Sehun.

“What is a... mince pie?” he questioned, eyeing the packet of foreign pastries.

“Oh, they’re like a type of cake. I think they’re from Britain.” Luhan picked one out of the tray and bit into it, Sehun watching him in fascination. Slowly he nodded, and then he smiled. “They’re nice.”

Wide-eyed, Sehun asked “Can I try one?”

“Sure!” Luhan handed out the tray to him, but Sehun didn’t even glance at it. Swooping in, he held his face close to Luhan’s, and before he had time to react, Sehun poked his tongue into his small pink lips and the roof of his mouth.

They had certainly come a long way since earlier this afternoon.

Luhan dropped the tray, not knowing how to react. Never had Sehun done something as bold as that, not even when- Never. Dumbstruck, he just stood there until Sehun pulled away and said

“I think I like mince pies.”

 

*

 

Much later, much much later, the two men were back on the sofa. Luhan’s head rested in the younger’s lap, his eyes starting to droop as Sehun his hair like he was his pet cat. They’d snacked on finger food non-stop until they couldn’t eat any more and finally gave in. They’d done everything traditionally associated with Christmas so far, but there was one blindingly obvious thing missing.

Luhan bolted up as he remembered. “Presents!”

Sehun pulled a face. Luhan was always intent on giving gifts, even though he knew how pointless it was for them.

“I already gave you my present, the flowers.” He gestured towards the vase of tulips and roses, now sitting daintily on Luhan’s kitchen table. “Sorry I couldn’t get you anything more.”

Luhan smiled understandingly. “They’re beautiful. One second” he said, already making his way to the stairs. “I’ll go and get mine.”

How nice it would be, Sehun thought to himself, to be able to give Luhan something that he could keep.

A short while later and Luhan was back, carrying something in his hand, hidden just out of Sehun’s view. When he was standing in front of him, he pulled the thing from behind his leg and placed it into Sehun’s hand.

Sehun looked at it. It was white and rectangular and had his name inscribed on it in cursive font. It was an envelope. A letter.

“What does it say?” his voice was quieter than intended. He cleared his throat shortly, though that wasn’t why he spoke in such a low tone.

“It just... Things. I don’t know. But read it, okay?” Luhan wasn’t feeling so enthusiastic about presents anymore. He just hoped Sehun didn’t reject it. It meant a lot to him that he read that letter.

Sehun looked at the envelope, turning it over in his hands once, twice, and a third time. He wondered what it said, but at the same time didn’t really want to know. ‘Dear Sehun’ was written on the front, and nothing else. No smiley faces or hearts like on the notes they used to send in high school. This was no little love note.

“Okay” he replied. He wanted the thing out of thought, folding it hastily in two and putting it into his pocket. “Thank you.”

An unexplainable silence hovered in the air for a moment of two, before Luhan smiled a little and sat back down. “Want to watch a film?”

Sehun was thankful for the change in topic. “Sure” he agreed, wrapping his arm around Luhan’s shoulders so that the boy could nestle into him.

Of all of the heavens, the one with Luhan in it was the greatest.

 

*

 

Neither were interested in the film, and it was turned off well before the end. Instead, they talked. They talked and they talked and they talked, about everything and anything that sprang to mind. About favourite things and early memories together, about childhood fears and old high school friends. Luhan tried to prolong their conversation for as long as he could, but eventually sleep got the better of him. the cheek of the unconscious boy’s face, Sehun bundled him up in his arms and carried him up the stairs to his room.

Luhan’s head lolled against his chest and Sehun wondered what this was like for him, the strange tradition that they carried out each year. Maybe this would be his last visit. If he’d known that his presence was crippling Luhan’s emotional life then he would have theoretically stopped this a long time ago. If only there was a clear-cut answer. Considering their situation, he could hardly ask for advice. Besides, who was there to ask?

In his room, Sehun laid the boy down onto the bed, trying not to wake him up. the side of his face, he tried not to be sad that this had to be the end. But when he pulled away Luhan’s eyes fluttered open. It took a few seconds for him to process the situation, but he soon realized what was happening. He grabbed onto his shirt, the material bunching up in his hand so that Sehun couldn’t get away.

“Don’t leave.” He hadn’t intended on his voice sounding so fragile, and he cursed himself for being so pathetic.

“I have to.”

Luhan shook his head, sitting up with the shirt still balled up in his fist. “No.”

“I can’t stay.” But you have no idea how much I want to, he silently finished the sentence in his head.

Luhan looked him straight in the eye, completely serious. “If I let go of this, you won’t disappear will you?”

Sehun returned his gaze before slowly replying “no.”

Cautiously, Luhan released his grip before heading back to the kitchen. When Sehun lagged behind he gestured for him to take the lead and he did, sighing at his hyung’s determination.

Downstairs, Luhan began to make some coffee, fetching biscuits from the cupboard as the pot brewed. “Lu-ge, I have to go sometime” Sehun tried to reason with him.

Luhan stirred at his coffee furiously. “Not yet.”

Sehun’s condition on him staying was that he only would if Luhan was in bed. Much to his dismay, Sehun refused to get in with him, but sat atop it, right next to Luhan as the boy munched on biscuits like his life depended on it. Once more, they talked. And once more, they both thought of what would happen when Sehun was gone.

 

*

 

At 4 o clock in the morning, Luhan fell asleep for the second time. His lover kissed his forehead in farewell and took one final glance before he shut the door and left for another year.

 

*

 

It was late when he woke. Bright whiteness coming from the window made his eyes water when he opened his eyes, and so for a while he kept them shut. This day was always the worst. The coldness in the bed confirmed what he already knew.

Luhan was alone again.

He didn’t want to be sad. He wanted to be happy, happy like he was yesterday playing in the snow, happy like when he made love to his best friend. He was tired of this life without him in it. All he wanted was Sehun, permanently.

Rolling over, something in his bed made a faint rustling sound. He dug under the sheets until his fingers made contact with something smooth.

Before he’d even looked at it, he knew what it was.

In his hand he held an unopened letter. Turning it over, he read the words that he had written two nights before:

’Dear Sehun’