The setting is fictional so it doesn't match the real dates. *************

--if you want to feel the mood for the story listen to the actual song i was inspired by: 

or you could listen to this song instead. 

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As I walk by the dance studio, I looked at his bright smile as he gazed on her.

I remember when he used to look at me that way; his gaze filled with warmth, sincerity, and love—leaving out the love part.

I am the side-kick, best friend of Kim Jongin.

The guy I am head over heels with. It is no secret that I am completely in love with my best friend, everyone knew, except for the man himself, for he is in love with someone else—and that someone else is not me.

It all started when we were in kindergarten. It was a typical, mom to mom encounter with his mother and mine, which how Jongin and I eventually became best friends. We were inseparable; in classes, in lunch rooms, even during nap time; we were together.

In grade school, we became extremely close. We were always together—stuck like glue. I remember crying when my family wanted to go to Jeju for vacation; I didn’t want to leave because that meant that I had to leave Jongin; I cried and cried until my mother talked to his mother into letting me stay behind with them. I can recall Jongin’s smile when I told him that I was going to stay with him and his family. It was the happiest week of my childhood; games and Jongin—they were all that mattered.  

When we got in junior high school, our relationship shifted when puberty started to change us. Our hormones were changing us physically; we drifted—but not completely. We remained best friends even though we had other relations with other friends. We were awkward; me and my shapeless body, teeth wrapped in braces, a round eye glasses, and Jongin’s lanky figure, awkward height and dull eyes. We used to pick on each other so much to the point where a couple of punches would be thrown out but end up laughing and giggling on the floor when we realize how dumb we are, it was in those moments when I realized how in love I am with Kim Jongin regardless of how stupid we can be.

But that was okay, I liked being stupid together.

When high school started, we were still best of friends, people placed labels but we’d laugh them off (although in the inside I prayed that they were correct). On the day of his final audition, he asked me to go with him, and I did; he said “I won’t get anywhere without my good luck charm,” his smile never leaving his face, the warmth of his eyes remain.  His dream of becoming a professional dancer was finally starting to become reality when he got accepted after auditioning to SM Entertainment after being rejected twice—and to say that I was there is the most amazing, prideful day ever.

The moment he received the call from the company, we were playing video games in his room; the score was 3-0; I was losing (it was a given). Just when I was about to contemplate on turning the game back on and kicking Jongin’s character in the , he runs into the room and bolts at me with the biggest and brightest smile I’ve ever seen from Kim Jongin; he got accepted. That night, we stayed up thinking about stage names he could use; we ended up with thunderbolt—he was going to be thunderbolt.

3-0, the score that settled the future between me and Jongin.

 I was losing (it was a given).

1-0

In our second year of high school, our daily text messages became often, phone calls become rare, and meetings became scarce. His absence gave me the chance to focus on my studies in school. Within that same school year, I became fond of social science and I became interested in learning about mental illnesses. Within than year, I learned a lot about myself—or at least I thought so.

Time went by so fast, and our friendship continued to decay.  Next thing I know is that I was already at my third (last) year in high school; my braces off, my used to be shapeless body now gained some curves, and I made some friends. We were going to take the SAT exams soon; that meant cramming until our brains bled; it was stress.

For Jongin, communication was completely cut off; even his family was just as clueless as I was after he moved into the dorms with his possible members. His mother told me that he was set to debut within a year or two; I was proud but I was hurt at the same time. He didn’t even take out a small amount of his time to tell me the good news or even tell me anything at all.

I convinced myself that maybe he was just extremely busy; he moved schools, he had training, had to catch up with his studies, he had tons of responsibilities on his shoulder.

I was really convinced with myself until I saw him walking in Hongdae, with a couple of guys and some girls. He was right across the street that I was in; and there he was, lingering behind the group, smiling widely and laughing. I raise my arm up to wave but just as I was about to wave at him, another figure emerged from beside him—a girl. She was pretty, I can tell. Her smile was so pretty that even I could identify her beautiful face from across the street.

I watched them pass by with slight blushes on their cheeks and their fingers interlocked.

I should forget about Kim Jongin since clearly he’s forgotten about me.

2-0

The years I spent studying in the library finally paid off because I was now a medical student under Yonsei University. My SAT scores gladly met the required score and now, I became an official pre-med for Yonsei.  

Studying in Yonsei isn’t equivalent to rainbows and unicorns. I came from a middle class family, our income was only enough for my family and bits and bits of my tuition fee, but it wasn’t enough. I had to look for a part time job while studying. The first job I had been at a local burger shop—the most convenient job for a college student. I was a cashier and a waitress; it was the college hangout location in the university.

The paid amount was good; everything was good, until the government closed down the shop; leaving a whole lot of poor college students to be hungry and me being jobless.

It wasn’t that long until I met Jang Heejin; she offered me a job after she saw me helping out in a couple of events held on our campus. She said that I was perfect for the job. She didn’t specify—nor did I really care what type of job it was. All I could think of at that moment was my tuition fees.

I accepted.

The next day, I was in front of SM Entertainment, with an ID stating, coordinator with a smaller caption underneath that says part time. HeeJin pulls me into the door; I was extremely nervous.

She led me around to take a tour; she said that she’ll save the group that I was assigned in last since I’ll be spending my day getting to know them. I didn’t complain, I followed her around and met a lot of idols.

By the time we reached the secluded training room, Heejin faced me and asked if I was ready to meet my ‘co-workers’. I smiled and simply nodded. When she opened the door, I was met by a group of guys, on the floor, breathing heavily. The room was humid and smelled like sweat, everyone didn’t even notice the door open, and they were just lying there.

Heejin told me to get used to this kind of scenery because I’ll be seeing a lot of these. As I scan the room, there were about 13 guys in the room, including the choreographer who was also on his knees, catching his breath. I continued to scan the room till I saw a familiar head.

The boy with the lanky body and dull eyes were no more, he was now much built and facial features were sharper—he was now a man.  

Heejin screams to get their attention, 13 pairs of eyes looks at me but my eyes only locked up with one. His eyes widen, his lips curve up, he was smiling brightly.

The year of sadness and heart break, the time I wanted to forget Kim Jongin went down the drain with that one smile

I was back to square one.

And it didn’t take a while for me to smile back.

3-0

Within a year, the 12 sweaty boys I met finally debuted under the name EXO. EXO became big; they were known as monster rookies, their sales were off the roof just with their debut single, MAMA. Within the year I was a part time coordinator, I got to genuinely know the boys. They were kind, funny, and friendly.

Asides from being on my second year as a pre-med, things started to become hectic; school was stressful and work was stressful; nevertheless I kept going because I had Jongin.

It was Joonmyun oppa who first noticed. He told me that he knew from the moment he saw me looking at Jongin that day I met all of them—he knew. Joonmyun oppa understood me, every time I look at him, all I saw was sympathy. He knew what it feels like; he experienced the same when Luna unnie fell for Jinki oppa.

“He’s as dense as a rock, you know.” Joonmyun oppa once told me.

Throughout the entire time I was their coordinator, he asked for his lucky charm to by his side all the time, making my feelings for Kim Jongin grow bigger than it has ever been.  There were moments where I felt that maybe, just maybe, he felt the same way.  Delusional or not—I wanted to think that somehow, he did feel the same way. I was hoping and praying that he did.

But I was proven wrong when I met Han Eunyoung.

She was one of the best soon-to-be-idols. Everyone was charmed by her; she is genuine, sweet, charming, friendly, smart, and talented. She was one of the aces of SM Entertainment; she’s expected to be the next BoA.

Everyone loved her and just like everyone, Jongin was too—except he was completely fallen for Han Eunyoung.

The minute he told me his confession, I knew I had no chance. It was pathetic of me to even think that Jongin might’ve had some feelings for him after the year we were reunited. No matter how hard I tried to portray him my feelings, he would laugh and tell me not to joke around, I’d laugh and tell him he was right even though my heart just shattered for the millionth time.

It didn’t take that long for Eunyoung to fall for Jongin as well; together they became known as the SM power couple, whereas I remained behind the scenes, falling behind as the ship moved ahead.

It was when I was about to give the water bottles when I heard Jongin and Kyungsoo, they were secluded from the rest of the group. Just when I was about to step in, I heard him say,

“Han Eunyoung is my soul mate, she is the reason I thrive hard, the reason we’ve been really successful! Hyung, she is my real lucky charm.”  

Now

Today was my last day for my residency; next week I will be a medical school graduate and an official employee for Seoul Hospital. Medical school literally the living soul out of me. I decided to resign as a coordinator for EXO and went as a full time medical student. Juggling between work and pre-med wasn’t easy; I eventually had to stop working.

If it wasn’t for Joonmyun oppa, who decided to support me with my school expenses, I wouldn’t have been able to even go through my first year of residency. He somehow snuck into my university and paid for at least two years of my residency (which was extremely expensive). I cried so hard when he told me what he did; I was thankful.

Just as I was about to take off my coat, a co-resident calls me and says that there’s a patient that needs attention. I sighed.  I’m supposed to be off already; nevertheless I nodded and grabbed the files to check the patient’s condition.  

Lumbago (LBP)—experiencing for almost six months (that’s quite a long time, this patient must be a stubborn one)

Taken multiple pain killers (aspirin, Tylenol, aleve, and etc.) (He’s going to kill himself with these).

“Hey Doc!” a familiar voice calls out to me.  I turned around and was met by Joonmyun’s smiling face.

“Look at you, looking like a doctor! You’ve lost so much weight! Yah dongsaeng! you look like you’re about to die!!” he exclaimed as he hugged me.

“You look quite exhausted yourself, oppa.” I replied

“What brings you in this room?”

“I was given a patient, it says here” I glanced at the records, “this is his room.”

“This is Jongin’s room.” He stated.

I froze for a moment and looked back at the records, I smiled weakly and replied, “I guess it’s a reunion, huh?” I laughed weakly and opened the door, leaving Joonmyun oppa behind the door.

As I walked in, my heart pounded hard against my chest. There he was, lying on the bed with his eyes closed. He looked mature, his facial features become sharper—he even had facial hair. I looked at his IV, checking if there needed to be anything changed.

A groan came out from Jongin as he opened his eyes. His face scrunched up a bit, and struggled to sit up. I didn’t stop him; I let him get up. He didn’t even look at me.

“Hello Doctor, my back isn’t as bad as it was—“before he could continue with what’s he’s trying to say, I’ve already flicked his forehead.

I smiled as his face finally met mine—he was staring. His eyes couldn’t seem to leave mine, so I broke his stance.  “How’s it going thunderbolt?” I smiled.

3-1

It's not that I didn't know.

I knew how she felt but it never actually occured to me how much she actually meant until she left. 

It's not that I didn't know. I knew. 

I just figured it out quite late.