Forever?
The Ocean | Review portfolioF o r e v e r ?
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Presentation (title + foreword/description)
Title – I feel like you could have found a better title for your fic, to be honest. I know that creating a clever and intriguing title can be hard to do, but with a story like this, you need to have a fitting title that also stands out among the rest of the exo stories (and believe me, there are a lot).
Foreword/description - Your description is lacking. It’s not like your story is a drabble where short descriptions are appropriate. You wrote a lengthy oneshot that deserves more information given to the readers in the description and foreword; a quote, excerpt, something about Baekhyun to engage your readers. The prologue in your foreword simply isn’t enough. It doesn’t set up the story that well. Instead, you could place an excerpt from your actual that story that doesn’t give away too much of the plot itself.
Also, your description doesn’t need the “…” at the end of each phrase/sentence.
Revised: “He thought there was no such thing as forever just because it simply felt too sweet to be true.”
Theme (plot + overall message)
Plot – It’s beyond cliché. There are already a handful of stories on aff that have the “cold” main character who doesn’t believe that love exists because his/her heart was broken. Then the love interest (Who has an opposite personality) shows the “cold” main character kindness and love in the end. I felt like yours was nothing really different. You could’ve executed your ideas better.
Overall message – It’s pretty straight forward. Baekhyun is a realist who lives a not-so exciting and happy life working in an office. He’s unfazed by “eternal love” until he meets Chanyeol, of course. The message of a plot of story like this could be concluded to “love is real” or something along those lines.
Characterization
Despite his over-used, “cold” character, Baekhyun is believable. He faced a cruel heart break that caused him to over-work himself because for him, that might be the only way to cope with his sadness from Kyungsoo. Working a boring job is his way of shutting himself off from love. When he meets Chanyeol, he is shocked by the unfamiliar kindness. Although, that shock fades away when Baekhyun realizes that he likes Chanyeol and that forever/love exists.
Chanyeol is overall kind. You stated somewhere in the oneshot that Chanyeol likes to give back because he wants to. While I read, it was easy to infer that Chanyeol is Baekhyun’s Foil or a character that contrasts with the main character. I felt that Chanyeol wasn’t fully explained as much as I wanted him to be. He seemed sort of brief, but again his character seemed to lack. There were no flashbacks or explanations as to why he is so kind and selfless, yet there were for Baekhyun’s emptiness and realist views.
Flow
The flow was good. Nothing seemed too rushed or dragged on.
Writing Style
Your writing style was good. There wasn’t anything outstanding about your word choices, etc. Also, I noticed you used the phrase, “in-love” quite a few times towards the end of the story. Although “in-love” can be used as a phrase, it makes more sense to just say “in love” without the hyphen. As for your diction, you seem to write quite literally without any figurative/poet-like language which is fine.
Grammar and Vocabulary
Overall, I found some noticeable errors in your sentence. Most of the errors included unnecessary commas/comma splices, run on sentences, and repetitiveness at times. These are only small errors that can be easily fixed when revised.
For eight months he suffered as a worker at some company, just to earn enough money to sustain for his needs.
Corrected: For eight months he suffered as a worker at some company just to earn enough money to sustain for his needs.
No one could blame him; his boss was mean and rude to the point where he would be mean to his workers, who were trying their very best to do their own jobs.
I was confused by this sentence. You repeated “mean” twice when it should only be used once in the same sentence or it just ends up sounding repetitive. Here’s the sentence again but revised:
Corrected: No one could blame him; his boss was rude to his workers whom were trying their very best to do their own jobs.
His half-lidded eyes survey the area of the office, as he told himself that he was living another day as a worker who had a boring life.
Corrected: His half-lidded eyes surveyed the area of the office as he told himself that he was just living another day as a worker who lived a boring life.
Sometimes he thought why did he spend thousands of dollars studying different things if he will end up as a plain worker?
Corrected: Sometimes he thought, “Why do I spend thousands of dollars studying different things if I’ll only end up as a worker?
Baekhyun wanted to stand up, since his mind was too focused with his job, but he found it impossible, since he couldn't feel his entire body at all.
Corrected: Baekhyun wanted to stand up since his mind was too focused with his job. But he found it impossible; he couldn't feel his entire body.
Baekhyun does remember his face from the office, they may not be that close but they interacted, whenever Baekhyun wanted to ask help from him.
Corrected: Baekhyun remembers Chanyeol’s face from the office; they may not be that close but they interacted whenever Baekhyun wanted to ask help from him.
Enjoyment
I didn’t like this as much as I thought that I would. I don’t know, but there were no twists that grabbed my attention as I read. Next time, I think you should add more conflict in your story to make the reader immersed in the plot.
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