C r a v e  Y o u  

by -peaches 

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Title

The title fit perfectly with this oneshot. It summarized the outcome/theme of the story perfectly, while still being short and to the point. I noticed that you stated in your foreword that this was inspired by a song called “Crave You” which if fine, but directly using the song title isn’t the most original title for your oneshot. (Not that it matters, honestly). Next time refrain from using the song title as the title of the story (Especially if it’s a popular song among Aff; like I’ve seen the title “Her whisper was Lucifer” like 100 times). In all it’s a good title that fits.

Foreword/Description

Again since this is oneshot, your description gives away the right amount of details without spoiling it. You put the lyrics of the song which was good since it gave you inspiration to write this fanfic in the first place. The formatting was good as well and you kept it clean without pictures, character charts, etc. which I appreciated.

Originality

The story is very original, which I liked. The setting down to the character’s themselves were very different from the stereotypical, flat characters I usually see here on aff. I can’t help but notice the Anterograde Tomorrow reference, though. Once the reader notices this, they realize that the story is in the same universe of Anterograde Tomorrow. It’s interesting to see you do this in your story. It gives it a spin-off feel which I really enjoyed. You took the background characters of Anterograde Tomorrow and made them the main ones in this fanfic. I’ve never seen that done before on aff and it’s refreshing to see. Even though the plot itself was inspired by a song, you didn’t fully base the story off it.

Characterization

All of them are realistic. You were able to give a small glance of the character’s lives which was fine since this is only an oneshot. Since the story is from Kris’ point of view, you tend to develop his character more than Kyungsoo and Suho. Although this isn’t a problem, I would’ve liked to see their character’s shown a bit more in the story. But again, the story is only one chapter so it’s understandable.

Grammar/Vocabulary

There’s was nothing wrong with your grammar, except I stumbled upon a few things. At moments you switched between the past and present tense (which is fine because sometimes I do the same). Here are a is a example I found within your story;

“When Suho is finished, Kyungsoo shows him…”

In this sentence, you used both tenses. If you want it to be in the past, it should be

“When Suho was finished, Kyungsoo showed him…”

And in the present

“When Suho finishes, Kyungsoo shows him…”

Do you see the difference? There’s more in your story, so I would go back and revise. Other than that, everything was spot on.

Enjoyment

I actually really liked this oneshot. It was simple and, unlike many stories, it was realistic. I really like slice of life fanfiction and even though you didn’t label it as a slice of life fanfic, I got that same relaxing vibe off of it.

Writing style

There’s nothing I can complain about regarding your writing style; I have no problems with it. There is one phrase that you kept repeating though, “hipsters and soft grunge crack heads”. I’m not sure why you keep repeating the same line, though. To keep it from seeming repetitive, you could re-phrase it or even use different words to get the same point across.