Jaehyo: Our Beautiful Flower
There's This One Thing...
Part Three of (hope springs eternal) Seven: In which Block B are the ground in which the beautiful flower called Jaehyo grows.
Contains flashbacks, unpleasant occurrences and Jaehyo being a big lovable dope. I actually made myself empathise with Jaehyo and that's something I never thought would happen.
Jaehyo only really has himself to blame for feeling insulted by the comments, because he's the kind of idiot who simply can't not read bad reviews. It doesn't help that he's on the computer almost constantly when they're not working, and he knows it's not healthy to search their names so often, but the comments, good or bad, make this seem more real somehow. After nearly three years he still doesn't quite believe it. It's a form of validation locked into his mind from his previous life as an internet ulzzang, when all he needed to feel somewhat accomplished that day was a new opinion on his pictures: it means that someone is watching, appreciating, taking the time to write. It means that he's still a substantial being with an ability to affect others.
He tried to explain this once to Minhyuk and Kwon, who were once again berating him for reading the comments on their new video out loud to a room full of people who were sick of the sound of their own names and wanted, for one evening, to pretend not to be an idol group. "I don't know, I guess it makes me feel less like a ghost?"
Kwon stared hard at him. "You think you're see through?" he said, so utterly confused that Jaehyo started flushing and then got flustered and couldn't explain himself properly. Later he realised that described it rather better than he first thought. He doesn't just want to be noticed; he would like, also, to be admired, and maybe even respected. He doesn't want to continue passing through people's lives without leaving any sort of trace because they never saw a reason to look past the exterior. Because growing up, he had to project the kind of confidence that people expected of someone with his looks, while the whole time he wondered if he had anything besides that, and where he could possibly end up; because at school, everyone was a tiny bit in awe of him, and the girls all a little bit in love, and no one would get close enough to find out that pretty faces have real people underneath them.
He still considers himself the oldest, for the simple reason that Taeil is their baby and Minhyuk just doesn't want the responsibility; the fact that they all let him have that spot unofficially is something he cherishes. It means that no matter how much they , he can look on it indulgently as the antics of his younger friends, the way an old dog might placidly let a toddler pull at its ears and tail, and only occasionally growl quietly to warn the kid. None of them have ever gone so far as to actually hurt him - they all know quite well where that line lies.
The fans don't always understand that. People who aren't fans, just bitter and angry netizens, understand even less: what's he doing in this band, why would anyone pick him over the others, he isn't even talented or interesting. As soon as they see his face fall, Jihoon, who is closest, slides his laptop away from him and Kyung drapes himself over his shoulders, rubbing them lightly, while Jiho reads what he just read with a disgusted face.
Why would she be interested in him? It seems like a publicity stunt.
Publicity stunt? Then she'd pick one of the members people know about.
Maybe it's a conspiracy between them, two people without talent.
"You've got to ignore stuff like this, hyung. These people are total idiots."
"I think they're right," Kyung pipes up, and a split second after being caught with a furious glare from their leader, he grins and clarifies, "You're way too pretty for her. She'd be better off with a scumbag like Jiho." He tightens his arms around Jaehyo and nuzzles against his ear like a proud mother; Jaehyo pinches him to make him get off, but he's already smiling again unwillingly. Jihoon reaches over to wiggle his finger into his philtrum, because he's got some kind of strange obsession with it, and Kyung stands on his other side still winding his fingers into his hair; it's weird, still, because he's never been this close to people, even to his own parents, but it's comforting.
"Anyway, if you weren't here, who would cook for us?"
"We can sue her if you like?" Jiho offers, and they all groan.
"Please, no more lawsuits. Let's not up Very Good as well."
They've been through so much together and they're a gang, now. They have each other's backs, forever; they wouldn't still be together if they didn't. Maybe Jaehyo watched Crows Zero one too many times, or maybe he's just a little overdramatic naturally, but he always thinks of them as a real gang, just like they are in their videos: ready to fight. The fans went crazy over the ending to Be The Light, but they don't realise how often it happens in a less physical but far more real situation. It might not be a bank heist, but when one of their managers gave Kwonnie an accusatory look and told him, "Either drop the girlfriend, or drop the weight," it didn't matter how many times they've all called him Kim Pig, because how ing dare somone insult their pretty Kwonnie like that? Jaehyo remembers these moments perfectly, how they bristled in total unison, and closed protectively in a circle around him: Minhyuk's arm slipping around his waist to press on his hipbone, which was of course still far too sharp; Jaehyo, the tallest, staring the manager down as hard as he can.
Jiho said, "You can't blame it on her, we've all been eating like recently," even though they knew that the meals Kwon's girlfriend makes are by far the best nutrition any of them get in months. Minhyuk gave Kwon a little shake and whispered an offer to go for runs with him whenever they get a chance, because he wanted to get a bit more in shape as well. As soon as the manager was out of earshot, there was a general ejection of curses.
"I can't believe they're being such s about a few extra pounds," Jihoon said. "Kwonnie, everyone knows you were too skinny before anyway." Kwon's cheeks still flushed deep red and he was half tucked over on himself like the insult had given him a stomach ache, not looking at any of them.
"Professional dancers need around 2,500 calories just to stay healthy," Kyung informed them after hastily looking this up on his phone.
"The easiest way to lose it would probably just be to cut your off," Jiho mused.
" you," Kwon mumbled back, but he was starting to smile again. Jaehyo watched them all from his usual back seat and he wanted to spread his arms wide and gather them all into his chest and carry them to the car like that, a big bundle of nonsense and love and determination.
Even when their not so faithful fans say it out loud and practically to their faces, no one has ever, ever agreed - and Jaehyo always keeps this in mind - that he's not needed. They're not the same if it's not the seven of them together. Kyung said that, and it meant more coming from him because at the beginning, before they quite knew each other properly and Jaehyo was just the visual and Kyung was the second rapper, Jaehyo thought almost completely seriously that Kyung hated him and didn't want him there. Every time he saw him glaring over, he quailed, feeling like Kyung had uncovered his secret - the secret that beyond his pretty face, he didn't have anything else to offer - and resented him for it. It had cost him great pains himself to get into the line up - Jaehyo heard that story in hushed tones from Jihoon, who tried to convince him that Kyungie didn't hate him at all, he was just protective of the music he and Jiho made, and he wanted to be sure that Jaehyo was serious about this and not just there for himself (and this was still only half the truth, as he found out months later when he overheard Jiho and Kyung having one of their terrifying shouting matches; the other half was jealousy). But as it turned out, getting on the right side of all of them was a simple matter of hard work. Maybe he couldn't reach the same notes as Taeil; he definitely couldn't rap for and his awkward height and the length of his limbs made dancing difficult. So he worked to assure his place in the band: he asked Taeil to help him coach his voice until it was stronger and louder and more in key; he tagged along to practises with Kwon and Minhyuk, and shadowed their moves over and over until it was right. Hard work was one thing that brought them all together; no one could deny it. And when they were all struggling to find their niche, and organising amongst themselves who would step forward and who would hang back, he let the others fill the front spaces, not wanting them to think that he considered himself entitled to a spotlight.
"Do you really mind not having much screen time?" they all asked him, and his answer was always a slightly dopey shrug, a lazy smile.
"Not really. I'm not great at being bright and cute like you guys. Besides, not all of us can be as loud as Jiho." They accept it as a matter of fact, and he's proud that he's honest enough to admit that he's a follower, not a leader. They made up for his stepping back by including him in the only way they know how, as a bunch of just-past-teenaged boys who can't bear to look weak. That's when the orange-hyo jokes came out, and Jaehyo resigned himself to being mercilessly teased. Not because it makes it more likely that the fans will pay him attention; because it means his friends are paying him attention.
"You make it so easy hyung," Jihoon says apologetically, and then cracks a goofy smile, wriggles up and tickles him while Jaehyo tries and fails to maintain his dignity. "And so much fun!"
"I know it's just an excuse to get close to me," he says, sighing like it's a chore to have these six idiot guys around him all the time (he's never felt more at home).
So maybe he's a bit of a doormat, and maybe he lets it go too far sometimes, just like sometimes he knows he tries much too hard and embarrasses himself, because socialising in person is still a bit too difficult. Being teased means they're comfortable with him. No one here is intimidated by his looks, because they're a vain bunch of ers for the most part and consider themselves just as attractive; no one is put off by his mysterious air because after one day of living with Ahn Jaehyo it's blown to smithereens by his awful hygiene and holey socks and petty fussing over the coffee, and all anyone can do is laugh. He's not the Busan pretty boy any more, or the internet ulzzang with one thousand votes to his name, or even his parents' cherised youngest son whose picture they displayed in centre place on the wall and claimed he looked like a little angel even though at that age he was missing two teeth. He's Ahn Jaehyo, vocalist (sub vocalist, no one really cares how it's described; he's just happy not to be the visual and nothing else any more) of Block B, and he's getting closer every day to becoming a real person, not just a pretty picture on a wall.
In the days that follow Lee Yoo Rin's unpleasant revelations (the worst part is that she was so straight up about only wanting a one night stand, and nothing else, like she saw nothing in his personality to attract her) everyone gets to work on making Jaehyo forget about it, and neatly evading all questions pertaining to it. It's not too hard, since no one would mention her name on the child-friendly programmes they appear on, but there are a few awkward moments with fans (Taeil, in stubborn imitation of innocence, asking how the girl knew who this Lee Yoo Rin was, because they certainly didn't, she wasn't the sort of person their young fans ought to be listening to) and one presenter who insists on cracking jokes about it and suggesting they could have her star in their next video as the next girl to comedically reject Jaehyo, until he finally registers their utterly unamused faces and shuts the up. Seven Seasons issues a statement about it, and maybe calling it ual harrassment is a little bit over the top but it did make Jaehyo feel sick, and a little nervous that his parents could read his name in that context.
Still, he catches Jiho in a quiet moment and asks him to talk them down from this bluster about legal action, because after all she's not very well known, and Jaehyo just sort of feels sorry for her now he's over the shock, and, "Really, just...I think we've gone through enough court cases to last us the rest of our careers. Let's try and have one comeback where we don't get caught up in that sort of stuff, eh?"
Jiho punches his shoulder and gives him an understanding nod, and from then on Jaehyo hears no more about it. He returns to having his cheeks prodded daily by Jihoon, and fighting with Kwonnie over the coffee which he continues to maintain belongs to him because he brewed it that morning.
When they get out of the car at The Show and walk towards the entrance, there's a mob of screaming fans waiting for them, and they press up shoulder to shoulder in a phalanx: Jiho, Kyung and Jihoon at the front with himself, Kwon, Taeil and Minhyuk behind them, and he can almost feel the slow motion rush as they pass by. For a second he pictures them all with busted knuckles, casually swinging weapons, and then Jihoon starts waving and grinning and the illusion is ruined.
He's not the only one feeling vulnerable that day, and they glue themselves together more than they would normally. Jihoon bounces from person to person, making sure he gives them all a little bit of his special attention, and Jiho is more stringent than usual about making sure they all get their say (although he's been better about that recently, and even willingly steps back from where Jaehyo's sitting on the floor and even though it would be so easy to dart in and steal the camera from him, instead just ruffles his hair and stays off to one side until Jaehyo gets awkward and doesn't quite know what to say). Taeil has to have his headphones confiscated because he keeps trying to sneak off to practise when he's supposed to be resting his voice, and resorts to sulkily watching old live performances and criticising everything he can until Kwon confiscates his phone as well. When they do the end of show interview, Jaehyo crouches down and lets Kyung climb up on his back for a little while, because he's finally caved to their persuasion and stopped wearing shoe lifts, and now he constantly complains that he can't see over their shoulders (which is itself a cover up for the fact that he hates being short).
They still make fun of him, laughing when he tries to make a cute puffy face on demand of the interviewers and wrestling him off the stage for embarrassing them, and they do impressions of it all the way home, saying, "the cutiest ulzzang in all the world," in stupid high pitched baby voices, but he doesn't mind, really (except that he's in serious danger of having his face bruise from being squeezed so many time). Fans and haters can say what they like about his inability to hold the attention, just like they can criticise Minhyuk's lack of presence, or Kyung's sleazy ways with women: between the seven of them, there exists an unwritten, unspoken understanding which they arrived at through far too many arguments, traumas and injured egos. It doesn't matter who raps, who composes, who dances, who sings, who gets the most face time and who gets sidelined. They're still a gang, and for better or worse they're stuck with each other now, necessary just because they can't imagine it being any other way. With the possible exception of Jaehyo, who can imagine still being a pretty boy on the internet and nothing else, stuck in his room in his parent's house, but strangely can't imagine having ended up in any of the other bands he trained with.
"You're our beautiful flower, hyung," Kwon says as they get out of the car, in a sort of apology for ragging on him the whole way there.
"And you're the dirt I'm standing in," Jaehyo replies, and he sort of means it, in the best possible sense.
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