Jihoon: Because They're Mine
There's This One Thing...
Part Two of (keeping my fingers crossed) Seven: In which Jihoon loves his hyungs and his hyungs love him.
Contains swearing, honey and lemon tea, and Jihoon being sweet enough to give you cavities.
It happens on stage one night, and they've all been expecting it for weeks; the only shock is that Taeil's voice has held for as long as it has. Although it's loud, and always on pitch, it's never been very strong - sort of like Taeil himself, who seems like such a concrete and unshakeable character but is really a wriggling bundle of nerves dressed in a placid little suit of armour - and the way he pushes himself means a break like this was always inevitable. Given the ridiculous hours they've been working and the night-after-night performances, interspersed with interviews where he's asked repeatedly to showcase his famously incredible vocal skills, no one is surprised when, halfway through his solo part, the highest note he can reach suddenly snaps and bends, and his voice just cuts out altogether.
They get past it, of course, after a united wince from everyone and Kwon rushing to fill in the gaps; the concert continues and his voice strengthens again, but it's obvious from the curled over nature of his movements that he's shatteringly embarrassed and just wants to get off the stage as soon as possible. Once everything's finished, the last song sung and the last bow taken, his composure drops like a lead balloon, and he rushes to stage left, all but quivering. Jihoon, as always, is the first to follow, because for no reason at all the oldest and the youngest have formed a special bond, and he won't rest until he knows Taeil is okay. He grabs him around the shoulders, signalling over his shoulder to a worried looking Jiho that it's alright, he'll take care of it. He steers the tiny singer, huddled up in his oversized coat, towards the exit, and takes him out into the fresh air, where he gulps down breaths like he's starving.
"It's okay, Taeil-hyung. I don't think anyone even noticed."
"Of course they noticed. Ugh. Ugh." As usual when he's in this sort of upset state, all of Taeil's words have deserted him, and he only has noises of self-disgust left. He hunches over with his hands pressed to his forehead, and Jihoon gets the impression he would quite like to punch himself in the face but can't do it hard enough to satisfy himself.
"It wasn't so bad. Kwonnie covered up for you. And you got right back on track straight away." He knows it's no use though; all Taeil will focus on - probably for the next week straight, unless something especially wonderful happens to distract him, like someone else falling over spectacularly in the middle of a dance - is this failure. He can appreciate it, because on some level they're all the same: mildly obsessive perfectionists, but no one else can beat themselves up over a tiny mistake the way Taeil can. Maybe it's to do with being the oldest and feeling like he therefore has something to prove, or maybe it's just the pressure of being the best singer in the group, but he manages to be about his performance to a degree even Jiho can only dream of.
Sure enough, the very next day Jihoon walks into the dorm to find Taeil with his headphones clapped over his ears, practising the most difficult song he knows. It's almost painful to hear him hitting the high notes; he doesn't miss a single one, but the threat of another crack is still there in the trembling of the notes. Jihoon waits in the doorway until he finishes, fiddling mindlessly with his fingernails. Only when Taeil looks over his shoulder and notices him does he plaster on his usual gummy smile.
"That was awesome, hyung."
Taeil shrugs, immediately shrinking back into himself when he realises Jihoon has been listening. "It wasn't great."
"It was!" He wanders into the room, wanting to pounce and give the other boy an over the top bear hug like he would normally, but something about the way Taeil won't quite turn to face him puts him off, and instead he just hovers a metre away, looking at his hands. "But, hyung, I don't know if you should be forcing your voice like that. Shouldn't you rest it before we go onstage?"
Taeil colours and leans over to pause the CD player. "I have to practise."
"But you practise loads!" All he gets in response is another shrug, which he can read, clearly, as 'not enough'. "You could hurt your vocal chords," he says uselessly, because Taeil is already skipping to the next song and pressing his headphones into his ears in a way that intimates quite obviously that he doesn't want to continue this conversation. Usually Jihoon would just leap all over him, wrestle the headphones away and drag him into the living room to play a few rounds of Grand Theft Auto, at least until he'd loosened up enough to laugh at himself, but this time he can tell it would only end in swearing and possible violence. Instead he backs out, closes the door, tells everyone not to go in there for a few hours, and then makes a run to the shop to buy some lemons and honey. When he comes back everyone is obediently gathered in the living room, not-listening to Taeil's singing.
"He'll really his voice up if he carries on like that," Jiho says bluntly, gesturing with a thumb to the closed door.
"Ah, you know what Taeil-hyung is like," Jihoon says vaguely, his smile awkward on his friend's behalf. They all do, and they leave him to it, just like they let Minhyuk dance on by himself when they're all pouring with sweat and long past exhausted, and willingly half-carry him out of the studio afterwards because his legs are crumbling beneath him. It's a difficult situation for the sole reason that they can't help but respect that sort of work ethic, and are loathe to interfere with people meeting their own absurdly high standards, and even though they're all as close as brothers and want to look after one another, that has to contend with knowing that some people aren't happy until they've done every single thing in their power and a little more. They all do it, in one way or another, so none of them has any room to criticise. It may not be healthy but it's a matter of pride, and that is why Jihoon is so pleased to be with them. And proud; endlessly proud, of himself for making it and the others for their skills and all of them for how far they've managed to come despite the endless pitfalls.
He knows that sometimes Jiho and Kyung find the lifestyle constricting and wish they were back on the circuit doing their own thing; that Minhyuk and Kwon get tired of just being the dancers and not really ever being paid much attention; that Jaehyo is, deep down, insecure because he's not the prettiest by default any more and that leaves him wondering what his talents are. But Jihoon is content to be the maknae, even though he knows he's a good rapper as well, and not too bad of a singer (even if his dancing is about as good as Taeil's, who dances like he has his ankles tied together) because the label of being the youngest, the cutest, the peppiest, has its own rewards. If Jiho tries to tell someone something for their own good, it inevitably issues as an order, because he can't forget that they are all his responsibility. If Kyung does it, no one knows if he's being serious, and if Jaehyo does it he's too serious and it borders on pompous. Kwon is too pleasant and Minhyuk too quiet and Taeil, Taeil would never tell anyone to do anything except leave him alone occasionally, because he thinks it's better to let them come to their own conclusions. So, in some backwards way, at times like these it inevitably falls to Jihoon to calm the atmosphere. That, really, is where his talent lies. They listen to him because he's worried for them and it shows on his face. In some ways he feels more deeply for them than he does for himself; when they hurt, he hurts, and he isn't happy again until everything has been smoothed out. Even when he went into hospital and they were all terrified and panicked and blaming themselves, the first words he said to Jiho were, "I'm sorry I scared you." No one wants Jihoon to feel bad, ever - the mood lifter, the one who lights up rooms like a forest fire, the one who has actual genuine medals on his wall just for being so cheerful. And in return, he considers it his duty to keep them sane, to keep them connected and communicating. He's never had a duty he's more honoured to perform, whatever happens in his career.
Even though they can all still hear the strained pitches of Taeil's voice, they ignore it. Jihoon plonks himself down obnoxiously between Kwon and Jiho, and burrows into the small gap. Jaehyo surreptitiously turns up the sound of the television. When Kwon reaches across the coffee table, presumably to snatch the honey and eat it straight from the jar, Jihoon shoots out a foot to kick his hand away and grins, "It's for hyung," and he nods and backs off with a smile of his own. Taeil is their other baby, the littlest one they all feel instinctively protective towards (even Kyung, who is only an inch or so taller, whatever he claims) and they know how hard he works. Eventually Jihoon manages to tune out the singing and enjoy their seventh viewing of Transformers, laughing at Jiho when he can't impersonate the robots as well as him.
The oldest who is sometimes the youngest appears a few hours later, pale and bleary eyed. Everyone gives him their best impression of a disapproving look, and he has the decency to pretend to be embarrassed as he flops onto the floor at Jihoon's feet. Jihoon immediately slithers down next to him and prods him to take his spot on the sofa. He clambers into it like someone far smaller than he really is. Kwon ruffles his hair and makes a funny, squeezed up sort of pout, cooing at him.
"You'll hurt yourself, baby," he says. Taeil gives him a half-lidded glare.
"Do you think there were boat transformers as well?" Minhyuk says, trying to change the subject, but as usual no one listens to him much.
"You sounded incredible, hyung. I think you'll do great at our next showcase!" Jihoon kneels between his friend's knees and shakes his legs back and forth, beaming up at him. Finally Taeil musters up the energy to draw a smile onto his face, patting the younger's hair indulgently. "Only, be careful. You have to take care of a voice like that! Look - " and he turns around to grab his shopping bag. "I'll make you some tea to help your throat, okay?"
Taeil croaks out a thanks, and as Jihoon walks away he smiles secretly to himself. Part of it is artifice, of course - how much of what they do isn't? He isn't as oblivious as he seems, and he knows when his hyungs are upset, or hurting. A few days previously, when Kyung and Jiho both woke up with incredible hangovers and wouldn't look at each other for the whole day, he had been the one to get an arm around each of them and force them close together, crying that they were upsetting their precious children. They finally laughed (and then cringed in pain) and punched each other gingerly and disappeared for an hour together when they all got home. By the evening, everything was back to normal, and Jihoon was smugly watching them watch television and share a duvet (and Jiho's plate of spring rolls, much to Jiho's irritation). They would have made up sooner or later by themselves, considering that they go through this cycle approximately once every two months, but Jihoon hates dischord in any form. They have so many reasons to be happy, he doesn't want any petty upset to spoil it. That's happened to them enough times - more than enough times. He still shudders remembering The Incident, which is the only way he can refer to it in his mind. It wasn't just the death threats and disappointment that sent him into shock; it was seeing his best friends so utterly torn apart. Even when Jiho squared his shoulders and declared that he was going to shave his head, everyone could see the uncertainty scrawled on him, maybe the only time Jihoon ever felt less than one hundred percent faith in their leader, although he won't admit that. They've been down too many times. Jihoon is there to keep them up.
That's why it's better, to him, to be the youngest, even if he is sometimes the oldest. He mixes far too much honey and sugar into the tea and Taeil almost chokes on it, but he drinks the whole cup anyway. "It feels better already. Thanks."
"Anything for my favourite hyung."
"I thought I was your favourite hyung, you little bag," Jiho says, aiming a kick at his head. Jihoon just widens his smile. Someone once said it looked fake on television, but it's always been straight from the heart where any of his friends are concerned. He throws his arms out with his best aegyo.
"You're all my favourites!" Because Jiho is strong, and Kyung is clever, Kwonnie is endlessly loving and Taeil is so talented; Minhyuk is always, always there, and Jaehyo would really kill for any of them, despite how much they - but mostly, because they're incredible, and his, and no one should ever hurt them. Jihoon will happily play the fool for his whole life if it means keeping them all together like this.
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