"One... two... three..." She counts the familiar cracks in the white plaster wall. It gives her an odd sense of security... however fleeting. Her mind clouds, blackening as it collapses inward like a poorly constructed tower built on sticks and stones. A mass of smoke and dust rises from ground zero and she is made to start over... for the three hundred and sixth time. "One... two... three..."

She can no longer rely on instincts for her basic needs. She can no longer distinguish dream from reality. She is not asleep. She is not awake. She is inbetween... dangling from her toes on the boundary dividing the two worlds. The more she reaches for the safety line, the farther it moves away.

So deep is she in his pot full of bull. It has reached the point where she can sense his presence even without seeing him, hearing him, or feeling him.

She must have been normal once. She must have had a lover once. A real one. Though she can no longer remember his name, she thinks of him sometimes when her mind permits.

"I've dreamed of traveling to another country. I've saved up enough money."

"Oh."

"Maybe you can come with." The nameless man is offering her a fool's paradise. She looks at him with eyes red and she breaks. She finally breaks. She throws herself at him with fists flying.

"Are you teasing me now? Do you really think it's okay to joke about this?! Am I your personal that you can carry around in your bag?!" She sobs. "To escape all this ... it's never going to happen... so don't say it like it could, you ing bastard. This kind of false hope... it's the worst. You're the worst!"

How well she remembers that moment. Perhaps it is because she wishes to escape now... more than anything else. Her world is spinning out of control and she must press her entire body against the wall just to keep herself from slipping and falling. She knows he is close and she must tell him before she forgets.

"I don't want to do this anymore. Just go find someone else."

"There's no one else, Xinling."

She flips herself around to face him with her back sticking to the wall. "Don't lie to my face. I'm ing sick of it."

"You're always like this."

"Always?" She finds a gap between the clouds and she jumps. "You think I want to be like this? you." She takes a breath of fresh air before her mind is forced back into the clouds.

"All of this is just in your head."

More of his bull.

"I don't want to hear anymore of your lies." She reaches for the doorway leading to the bathroom and falls in. With a paralyzed arm, she rams the door shut right in his face and locks it with her other hand.

"Come out here..." He is coaxing her. She knows and she will not fall for it. He pounds his fist on the wooden door and the sound rains needles on her skin.

"Don't keep locking yourself in the bathroom. Do you want me to ing break down the door?"

"Just leave me alone!" She plunges her trembling fingers into her abdomen.

He kicks the door and it breaks.

There is no place to hide. "Why can't you just leave me alone?!" She is defenseless. "I hate you! I hate you!" She is fighting a futile battle. "I ing hate you!"

DEC 29 2013 | 587 WORDS | M♥H