“Adoption is grief in reverse.”
― Jody Cantrell Dyer

They don’t give awards for personal courage. That ability to push the past aside and continue to pursue your hearts desire after so many scars and scratches on that fragile organ is not seen as a feat to be applauded. Still, you managed to pick your hopes up off the floor and carried them into the adoption agency on that chilly November day, willing to risk heartbreak with the hope that maybe this time will be different.

A family. It was all you had ever wanted in life. A spouse and children to share life with, to build memories with. The first part had been easy, finding the love of your life and making it offical, but it was the happily ever after that was harder. Family relationships ruined because they just couldn't accept the purity of your love was the first challenge that had to be overcome. Fertility treatments that held every promise in the world of delivering that perfect bundle of joy to your home, making the absence of one family diminish with the creation of another, only to end in breathtaking loss was another blow to your loving union. Then there were the doubts. Thoughts that maybe you were to blame for not having what it took to produce a healthy child, that maybe they were right in saying people like you don't deserve children. Ever after had never looked so dark before, but in the shadow of your doubt, there was that love everlasting that told you, one way or another, you would have the family you always dreamed of. That is when you began your research into the area of adoption. That is how you ended up at the Shining Children's Center.

At first, there were the forms to fill out with so many questions that no natural parents were asked to answer before conception. But you gave honest responses, even when you were tired of their judgment and scorn for being a gay couple looking for the last piece to complete your family circle. After the forms, there were home visits to see if you deserved the chance to love a child that needed you as much as you desperately wanted them. Still, you remained gracious in the face of these intrusions, thinking that by baring all, they could see how ready you were for this precious gift. Then, there was the waiting….

“Meeting your adoptive baby is like being set up on a blind date with someone you will have to spend the next eighteen years with. You care about looks, because you desperately want to fall in love with the stranger who will be your child.”
― Jana Wolff

Some would say that perhaps it was a mistake to specify that you wanted a Korean child. After all, a childless couple like yourselves should just be glad get any baby at all. ‘A baby is a baby’, is what the social worker said. But they didn’t know your devastation at losing the little being that was going to have your eyes, or his grandfather’s dimpled cheeks. That would have fit seamless into your lives but instead left an infant sized void in your household. No, there wasn’t much that you required of the child but the ability to look at their face everyday and not be reminded of how you failed to bring your own child into this world. Instead, you wanted to see that precious eye smile and think, ‘This is what was meant to be, this child was meant to be ours’.

Of course, this requirement meant waiting. It wasn't like there were many unwed Korean mothers to start with. But even outside of the wait for a Korean child, there was the wait for an infant to adopt. Certainly an older child would have been welcomed as warmly into your hearts, but again, that desire for a baby, small and soft, pushed that idea outside your radar. So you waited, having faith that eventually your time would come and the perfect meeting of circumstances would present itself...

“The universe is a trillion, trillion threads moving in seemingly unrelated directions. Yet when you look at them together, they create a remarkable tapestry.”
― Richard Paul Evans

Faith is not a safe word to use in this world. It carries with it the burden of religion and blindness. People who rely on faith are seen as unlearned fools, putting their lives outcome in the hands of chance. Yet it was faith, the belief that somehow the universe would answer your prayers, that keep you waiting on the call you received almost a year later on September 10^th.

The birth mother was a beautiful, but lonely girl with no real family after a series of her own tragedies. The birth father was a cute classmate that spoke the same language and made her feel less foreign. Things progressed quickly between them but after finding out about the child growing inside her it became clear that theirs was not the kind of love that lasts, not like yours. So after months of conflicting emotions and self doubt, she made the hardest decision that anyone could and called the crisis center. By then she was already 3 months away from delivery.

You both took it as a sign, a miraculous early Christmas gift of sorts. Not sure if it was true, you sat in stunned silence after ending the call, staring at one another, too afraid that the next sound in the room would break the spell. But then one of you smiled, the joy  no longer willing to be suppressed. It was contagious and soon the smiles became laughter joined by tears and hugs. Inside where there are no words, just absolute knowledge, you knew that this was it. Your baby was on his way…

“So: this is where we are going to become parents. You walk into the building as a couple, and leave a few minutes later as a family. You walk in recollecting long romantic dinners, nights at the theater, and care-free vacations. You leave worrying about where to get diapers, milk, and Cheerios.”
― Scott Simon

If love was a savings account, this was the day you would cash in. From the moment you met and those first deposits of friendship were earned, to today, with the steady additions of affection, respect and passion having formed the bulk of your love’s store, this had been the end goal: to trade the love of a couple for the love of a family. And on December 14^th, you emptied that account for a 3.6kg baby boy with chubby cheeks made for pinching and tiny hands that pulled the strings of your heart the moment you laid eyes on him.

As soon as you held the baby in your arms, a new awareness that your life was no longer your own set in. Suddenly it was time to worry. Do we have the right car seat? Should we worry about the side effects of early childhood vaccination? Did we do enough to childproof the house? The thoughts made you anxious and unsure, afraid of becoming fathers. But then a stubby set of digits grappled for your finger and it was over. Any doubts you had were overpowered by the immediate need to be there for this boy, to love him and protect him and never be anything less that perfect because that was the very least that your son deserved.

That didn't mean you stopped worrying. His first fever found you sitting in the waiting room of the 24 urgent care clinic demanding to see a pediatrician and angrily denouncing her as a quack when she suggested it was a small cold that could be soothed with children's Tylenol. It also didn't stop you from carrying hand sanitizer in your pockets so that unwashed hands couldn't spread their icky germs to your vulnerable babe. And at night, peering into his crib and watching his little chest rise and fall, it didn't stop you from dreading the day you could no longer protect your son but knowing that no matter what, he would always have his family by his side....

“Even though you weren't born to us, you grew in our hearts. We will be forever connected because love is what makes a family.”
― Deanna Kahler

That first Christmas with Kim-Choi Jinki was chaotic. All of the Chois were gathered at the family home, buzzing with curiosity. They had seen the birth announcement on Facebook and you had sent pictures to anyone that cared, sometimes even to ones that didn’t. But there was an intangible need to see the two of you as fathers in person that drove the entire family to your doorstep.  

Nieces and nephews that regarded you as their favorite uncles could remember the way you lavished time and attention on them when they were little and how as they got older, the longing for a child of your own had made every Christmas just a little sadder than the last. Now, looking at you with the light reignited in your eyes, they felt their own blessing at witnessing your happiness and instantly fell in love with their cousin Jinki.

Brothers, sisters and cousins that had been privy to your teenaged antics and had chastised you with the phrase ‘I hope one day your kid will be just as mischevious as you’ were there to see their prophecy made true. This boy, the center of your world that in his teenaged years would become the bane of your existence and in your elder years would remain the pride of your heart.

One woman in particular, who had never been able to set foot in her son’s home before, came with a frail older man, aged beyond his years. They made the trek up from Daegu to meet their first grandchild. As babies often do, Jinki flashed his toothless smile and like soft tofu, the years of pain and regret were melted away and in that moment all was forgiven for the sake of family. That is how I got my nickname, Onew.

“My life has been shaped by the decision two people made over 24 years ago. They decided to adopt a child. They got me, and I got a chance at the kind of life all children deserve.”
― Karen Fowler

When I was growing up, I would always ask you what you wanted for Chrstmas and the answer was always the same ‘Nothing’. I would beg and plead but still you would say ‘Too late, I already have all I wanted for Christmas’. As a kid, I thought you just said it to tease me. It became a game and every year I would try to guess what you really wanted. That resulted in some legendarily awful gifts, like the light up Christmas tie, or the smelly cologne that you gamely wore to work everyday until the bottle ran dry. Even the Christmas after I proposed to Ada and promised to take you on that Caribbean cruise before our jobs relocated us to Germany, hundreds of miles away from you. You simply patted me on the back and asked that I make sure to keep in touch.

Now here I am, hundreds of miles away in my own home looking at my adorable twin boys, Taemin and Jonghyun, tossing wrapping paper and bows in the air, squealing at the sight of new toys and treats. Born out of wedlock but adopted out of love, they radiate all that is wonderful in this world. And it is in this moment that I understand your words. I understand the fullness of emotion you get every time those little hands and limbs make their way into your vision. That magic that comes from knowing that all of the potential in the world lay behind big eyes ready to experience life and learn all its secrets. The honor of being the ones to shepard them into adulthood and their own sense of self in a world that seems to move faster and faster with every passing year.  And in choosing to adopt our sons,  it makes me even more grateful that you chose me to be the child you would shelter and care for, giving me the gift of parents that I wouldn't trade for any other pair.Thank you for choosing me, for loving me and for giving me the chance to say that I, too, have all I wanted for Christmas. I love you, Dads.

Love,

Your son, Kim-Choi Jinki and Family

Hey guise, Shawol360 here. I just want to thank Liliac and Atkluna for agreeing to do this project. You would never know this, but they wrote their chapters immediately after I asked them to do this, no questions asked. If you have ever wondered what kind of people they are, I can tell you that they are the sweetest, kindest, most selfless people you would ever wanted to know. Their passion for SHINee and their love for you, the reader, lead them to writing a story that I am extremely proud to be a part of. Thank you for reading this, for your comments and ....

Merry Christmas SHINee World.