There were promises we made to each other - to stick together through thick and thin. Then there were promises I made to him - that I'd never hurt him. Finally, there were promises I made to myself - that I'd do everything in my power to never let his smile fade. It's a bad habit I obtained from when I was a lad; making promises too far from my grasp. Some promises I keep through sheer force of will; the proof is his form lying in my bed within my reach. He's still here even after I've failed him.

It’s been days, months even, since I've seen his radiant smile, the force that gives me strength to carry on. The only thing that gives me the courage to hold my head up high and the guiding light that makes me blind to everything but his existence. He'd given me so much trust, so much faith and I've destroyed it. I've destroyed him.

After all, whose fault could it be but my own? I was raised to be a man of my word, to be a reliable man for my loved ones. But I've promised something I can't give him and the weight of it crushes my lungs. I'm unable to breathe because I am the reason that gorgeous man hasn't felt joy for days.

Kibum is my husband, wife, soulmate, life partner- everything rolled up in one. From the moment I said I do- more like the moment I fell in love- I'd put my will in his control. Any motivation for living was because of him and I promised myself I'd never give him a reason to leave me. Even if I know don’t deserve him.

It was family, children of our own, that was the most he ever asked of me. A dream he's held dear since he was a young boy and I wanted nothing more than to make it come true. If a child in his arms would make him happier, then so be it. He’s lost all his family because of me, so isn't it the least I can do to make it up to him? I’ve given him my family for warmth and I’ve given him myself and my love but Kibum’s got pride. He needs his own family and I’m more than happy to give it to him. I love children as well.

So everything we'd earned, aside from the essential spending, was saved for our future child. The price of the experience is immeasurable; exhausting but exciting. Economically speaking though, the price was almost too high but not high enough to stop me from granting his wish. I did my best - staying away from any unnecessary luxuries because he's the most valuable person in my life. I'd gladly forego tickets to a soccer game and reject invitations from colleagues to go out drinking more than a few nights. In hind sight, I wish I could have taken him out more, but he was as determined as I was. He didn’t buy new clothes or overpriced shoes, despite his love for all things glamourous.

There's always been this fiery spirit in his eyes, and when we'd see how much closer we were to achieving our goal, the spark in his eyes grew to a full flame. It was all the more reason to fall even more in love with him- not that I would ever stop.

"It's time for the next step," I said to him one day. The way he looked at me, like I held the greatest gift he'd ever received, it never hit me harder -that this was what I lived for. All for him.

The agency we found was perfect.  The woman who donated her eggs was healthy and the surrogate mother was everything we wanted. She was a sweet looking woman in her thirties who had a lovely son of her own; a woman who was mentally, physically and emotionally stable. She had carried a child before to full term with no complications and she did not smoke nor abuse alcohol in anyway- she was absolutely perfect.

We asked her why she chose to become a surrogate mother and her answer moved us. "My husband passed away a few years ago. He has a brother who is gay and never accepted by his parents. He was always supportive of his brother though, of gays in general. I guess me signing up for this is my way of doing what would make my husband proud. " Her words brought Kibum to tears, touching the deepest realms of his heart because he understood the feeling of being unaccepted. Kibum knew the feeling too well.

Details were discussed. We had talked about whose we'd use for the process- In Vitro Fertilization. I would have loved a child with his eyes and his smile, but he insisted on using my . It was a bit of a heated decision but in the end we both decided on the most logical solution: we would both give so we both can have paternal ties with our future child. Once the decision was made, the monitoring was done, the eggs and were collected and sent off to be combined in a laboratory. Once perfectly united, the embryos are transferred into the uterus of our surrogate mother.

"It's conception day!" Kibum exclaimed. I had never heard more satisfaction on his lips, felt more thankfulness in his touch. I had never seen his skin glow as stunningly - even after we made love. It was a celebration. Our baby was on its way!

"I love you," Kibum said when we came back from the first ultrasound. "If I could give you a commitment higher than marriage, I would.”

"But you already have," I said to him. "You've allowed me to be a father to our child. That's the highest position of all." His eyes were threatening to spill over, and even in this state with his eyes and nose turning red and his silently sniffling he was the most beautiful crying angel I had ever laid my eyes on.

"Thank you Minho," he said and his embrace was the final seal of our commitment- we were bound to each other with more finality than any contract that any lawyer could write up.

Our lovely surrogate was at fifteen weeks when we got the call. She hadn't been feeling quite well for a while, but she assured us that everything was fine. It was just a few pains around her lower back and her belly- nothing too unusual. But when the bleeding started, we knew what that meant. I had never seen Key so broken and I had never felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do to make it all better. My promises were broken and I had no backup plan.

That drive back home was the longest ride I’d ever had. He didn’t say a word, not that day and not for a couple more days. I could do nothing but hold him in my arms and rock him back and forth. Anything to soothe his pain, our pain.

Time has gone by so quickly yet it feels the months have stretched out for so long. The snow begins to delicately sprinkle over the streets, onto the lights covering the bare branches of trees and the decorations on the neighbors’ porches. "It’s freezing over," he says while looking out the window. Then he whispers, "Just like my heart."

I apologize for giving him such a scare but his words watered the seed of guilt that I had been trying to weed out for so long. I don’t cry often and neither does he, but here we lie in broken pieces on the living room floor.

There are all the thoughts screaming in my head, unrelenting. 'Maybe my wasn’t good enough'. 'Maybe this was life teaching me a lesson to not be so foolish when it comes to my promises'.

It’s a time of celebration, Christmas time, but there’s nothing for us to be happy about. We didn’t want to be with my family and we didn’t want to dive into the holiday spirit. My love's heart has been torn in two and I'm powerless. It’s my life greatest failure.

"It’s not your fault," he tried to assure me. "These things happen." He would hold my face directly in front of his and he'd just stare past my eyes, beyond my guilt filled thoughts and to the depths of my conscious were I'm screaming, 'What have I done to him'?

"How can you bear to look at me?" I ask him. "After everything I've done? I've hurt you."
 

"I'm also a man," he says. "And I promised to stick by you through thick and thin."

"It’s your dream!" I shout. I've kept quiet for too long. The lack of his bright smiles have made me burst. "All you've ever wanted was a child and I can’t give it to you!"
 

"It’s not just you who can’t bear children! Neither can I!" he counters, reflecting all of my own angst.

I’m pacing like a madman now. The guilt is eating me alive. "Maybe my wasn’t good enough."

"It was both of us!" Kibum shouted. His voice trembles with anger. "Maybe it was my that wasn’t strong enough. Maybe it’s my fault entirely that we can’t have a family!"

"Stop it!" I yell, cutting him off. I won’t let him speak such nonsense. Grabbing his shoulders, I vigorously attempt to shake some sense into him. He struggles in my embrace before turning away from me and the waterworks break free. At the sight of his tears, I am again defeated.

“Not even our future child wanted me in their family,” he says weakly. I pull him against my chest and use just enough strength to prevent him from getting away.

“I’m your family,” I say and I want nothing more than to engrave that fact into his mind and his soul. “I know I’m not much, but you have all of me and I’ll never let you go.”

He sniffles. “But…”

“Never,” I repeat. Kibum blinks up at me and I’m entranced all over again. He’s all the family I’ll ever need.

“Kiss me,” he whispers so desperately and I can’t do anything but grant him his wish. We kiss fervently and it doesn’t even matter that we aren’t standing under the mistletoe.

When we finally apart, he looks at me and for the first time in so long, his gorgeous lips stretch to a smile. “Is it okay if I nag you every once in a while? “

Seeing some light come back to his eyes makes me grin and I give him a gentle kiss to his forehead. “Hate to break it to you, but you already do plenty of that…. Mr. Choi,” I add mischievously.

Kibum laughs and the sound warms my heart. Maybe I haven’t failed at everything. “Just for that, you have to call me daddy from now on.” 

(A/N) Part 2 written by the lovely, super-talented atkluna.