Everybody was happy.

The holidays do that to people.

Ara, however and not surprisingly, was not happy.

She wasn’t sad either.
The Sadness was giving her a break. It was the holidays after all.

Ara was just empty.

Untouched, her skinny latte was long cold. She was the only one sitting on the terrace of the coffee shop, wrapped in her brand new coat and brand knitted scarf. Her hair was perfectly straightened.

Today, she was beautiful, perfect Yoo Ara. Just as she was supposed to be.

It seemed that she did care enough for that…

People were going back and forth. Talking, laughing, walking, running, working, living.

While beautiful, pretty Yoo Ara was watching.

A group of friends passed by her, five boys and two girls about her age, if not older, stopping after a few feet away from her. They were probably considering a coffee break. They seemed very close.

Ara was always watching. She envied them. Envied what they had.

She wished she had friends. True friends. She would trade her whole entourage and acquaintances for one little genuine friend. She still liked to think that friendship existed. She still believed in it. And even though she had never known it, she didn’t want to let it go. Not yet.

The group finally decided against the coffee break and continued their way.

Ara breathed. She blinked. The sharp crispy wind brushed by her cheek, weightless, stirring her awake from her daze. Her eyes stung a little from lack of sleep.
She reached for her latte and took a little sip, and nearly spitted it. Her face quickly shrunk in distaste. It was very cold. Ara disliked coffee. She disliked cold coffee even more.

As she was considering ordering another drink, she felt a couple of shadows above her.

“Oh ! Sunbae-nim ?”

She raised her head to meet four pair of eyes staring at her.

A baby faced girl, with bleached short hair stylized as a bob, was the one that addressed her. The second one had a bright smile with very little eyes. Both were pretty and kind of familiar. They must be juniors.

So beautiful, gracious Yoo Ara sunbae-nim greeted her hoobaes with a beautiful, gracious smile.

“Sunbae-nim ! It’s such a good surprise running into you !” The cute girl with the eye smile beamed.

Ara couldn’t remember their names, except that they were freshmen. However the name of the junior with the bob was just at the tip of her tongue. The girl was famous for dating a huge medical graduate. Rumors of their break up were floating around lately. Ara could swear her name ended with ‘Rin’. Was it Chaerin ? Aaerin ? Or Hyorin maybe ? She’ll go with Hyomin.

“Yes, I stopped for a little coffee break before heading back home. You girls were shopping ?”

They nodded, having quite a hard time balancing all of the shopping bags in their hands.

Chaerin or Haerin responded.

“We were buying gifts. Sunbae-nim ! You look beautiful today, your skin is glowing ! Can you please tell us the cream you use, I want to look like Sunbae-nim as well, it would be the best gift I could get !”

She put little aegyo here and there. She was cute.

“Hyeri ! What are you saying ? Our sunbae-nim’s skin is naturally flawless !” the other girl said. Her eyes turned into crescent moons. She was smiling so brightly, Ara was jealous.

“You are right, I was joking.” Hyeri grinned, “I’m so envious of you sunbae-nim, please lend me some of your beauty.”

Beautiful, flawless skinned Yoo Ara just laughed and greeted her juniors goodbye.

This morning, she used extra concealer to hide her eye bags. Her skin was dry as it always was with the cold weather although she did apply moisturizer this time.

Yoo Ara smiled.

A strange noise escaped her lips, something between a snort and a laugh, it had nothing to do with the gracious melodious sound she left her juniors with.

She headed home.

Out of breath.

He was freezing and he could feel snow toppling on his hair. He didn’t do anything to shake it off, he’d regret it when it’ll wet his hair, but at the moment, he didn’t care. He didn’t care. He didn’t.

His hands were cold, slightly shaking. His heart was swelling so much, it filled up his whole chest. He could hear it beating in his ears, strong, irregular, loud, deafening him.

Why was is still beating ?

He felt like in no short time his heart will explode inside him, and he would be okay with it.

He wanted to scream, to yell, to shout until his throat bled; until he couldn’t hear his own voice and until his mouth ripped in half.

But he was soundless. His lips moved and he could see foggy breath escaping them. He wished it was his soul.

Damage

Demolition

Destruction

His whole body twitched.

He breathed in. The icy night air scorched his gorge. It burned his lungs. He breathed out.

He wanted to do something. No, he needed to do something. But he fell down, knees first and lied on his back. The ground was so soft.

Snowflakes were still falling. One after another. On his nose, his hand, his hair. On his eye.

Taekwoon blinked.

For the first time in his life, he admitted that snow wasn’t that bad. If it succeeded to bury him right here right now, he would surrender and apologize for all the times he cursed it.

However, unfortunately for him, it stopped. It was too light.

Taekwoon was cold. He had never felt so cold. And it had nothing to do with the weather or his light woolen sweater.

He closed his lids, and met the same pitch black sky he was staring at a few seconds ago. Why was it that everywhere he looked, he only saw darkness ?

He was a coward.

Coward

He hated himself.

Why did he always end up running away ?

He couldn’t think for himself

He couldn’t act for himself

He couldn’t make his own choices

He couldn’t protect the ones he loved

He couldn’t protect the ones he loved

He couldn’t protect the ones he loved

He couldn’t protect the ones he loved

He couldn’t fight

For God’s sake he couldn’t even scream.

He was useless.

He could just stay here, lying in this deserted suburban area. He didn’t know this region. He didn’t care. It was dark enough, he could stay here, and hopefully, he’ll freeze to death, hopefully snow would fall again and bury him.

But he was a coward, so he stood up and brushed the snow off his black pants. He straightened his white sweater. Now he felt dumb for ruining his jersey. It was a gift. He began to walk.

He ran his hand in his damp hair, almost pulling it out of frustration.

God he hated himself.

He felt bad for the world, having him wandering on its beautiful lands, exhaling its pure air.

He disgusted himself.

He felt tears fill up his eyes and run smoothly on his high cheeks. He didn’t remember the last time he cried. Maybe at his mother’s funeral, ten years ago. He wasn’t sure, the memory was blurry, his mind was hazy.

A sob fleeted his swollen lips. He would punch himself if he could.

He didn’t deserve to cry. Crying was a relief, it was luxury. He didn’t deserve that, not him. So he wiped his cheeks furiously.

Taekwoon gritted his teeth and balled his hands in fists. He kept walking; head low, the frosty merciless wind blowing on his spine, drying his cheeks. Unstable, trembling, he was a leaf in a hurricane.

His jaw was hurting, and his nails were cutting deep in his palms. Good. It wasn’t much, but the physical pain was somewhat distracting.

Her face kept dancing behind his eyes.

He found out he somehow made it into the city again, unconsciously, he smoothed down his hair and brushed his pants again. He didn’t know why his legs led him into town. He didn’t belong with these people.

Her face hidden by her silky black hair.

His feet led him into an entrance of his usual coffee shop. It was still open, few customers were in. He bit his lips once again and split it. He grimaced as he tasted the salty metallic taste of his own blood. And he thought of her, did she taste her own blood too ?

He felt sick and his heart ached. He shouldn’t be here, not now, not tonight. But he couldn’t forgive her. He couldn’t forgive himself.

She was selfish.

And he was selfish.

With a little sigh, he pushed the door of the café and entered the place.

“Welcome… Oh it’s you ! You’re here tonight as well, I didn’t think we’d get to see you ! How are you tonight ? The usual ?”

Taekwoon nodded and took a seat by the counter. He recognized the waiter, he was noisy; always trying to chat with him when taking his orders, always smiling, laughing. Tonight was no different. The bright waiter kept trying to make him talk, doing the conversation for two, while preparing his drink.

It annoyed Taekwoon, he wanted to tell him to just shut up. But deep down, he was jealous of him. He looked happy.

His drink was quickly made and in front of him.

“You’re sure you don’t want any cream or sugar ? Dry black coffee can be pretty hard to drink for a lot of people.”

Taekwoon just stared at him. His tag name read ‘Cha Hakyeon’.

“Okay, okay I didn’t say anything, geez ! Enjoy your drink !”

He turned and began wiping another corner of the counter.

Taekwoon stared at the cup in front of him. He wasn’t hungry nor he was thirsty, however he lifted the mug and brought it to his lips, burning his tongue. He didn’t complain. He felt the hot liquid travel all the way from his bruised throat to his stomach. He quickly finished the remains in a few gulps and put the empty cup back on the counter.

He sighed. He didn’t know what he was doing.

His eyes travelled from the few scrabbled customers, to the empty tiny stage at the back of the room.

“Go.”

The voice of the waiter startled him, he looked at him quizzically. The named Cha Hakyeon was smiling.

Taekwoon didn’t like his smile.

“Go.” He repeated. “There’s a piano too, you know how to play right ? The customers would like it.”

His smile didn’t leave his lips.

Without a word, Taekwoon stood up, put some cash on the counter and got out.

The frosty black night welcomed him.

He couldn’t sing. Not nox.

And yet, as he was walking back home, he couldn’t stop his lips from humming.