Stay

Author's Note: This is going to be different from what you are used to reading from me as it was different from what I'm used to writing. I'm gonna have to dedicate this one to boxxsaltz because they enjoy this genre. I tried, my friend. :) Thank you kaorujin for their lovely help~ Most importantly, I need you to listen to this song before you start. Tegan and Sara - Now I'm All Messed Up

Stay

[Jessica-centric]

Rinse and repeat.

We pretend to be lovers when we sleep, but we’re nothing but strangers on the street. Now I’m all messed up, sick and tired of wondering where you’re leaving your make-up and whose life you’re making worthwhile.

You were the rock and I was the match. We started this wildfire, uncontrollable and dangerous. The flames only grew as we became lost in the fog of drunken breath, intoxicated by the blurred lines between love and lust.

The first time it happened, I thought it would be last.

You ghosted your fingers over my body as I struggled deciding between right and wrong. I knew then that you would be trouble and this could be a mistake.

But when you whispered, “I want your fingerprints on me. Imprint them onto my skin,” I was pushed beyond the point of no return.

Cold, empty bed sheets greeted me in the morning when I had hoped your body would still be there, keeping me warm.

I listened intently for the sound of any traces of you in the apartment.

Shattering silence was the reply I received.

It echoed as the days went by.

“Don’t get involved with Tiffany.” They said.

I didn’t believe.

“She’ll leave you with nothing, but an empty shell.” They said.

I didn’t listen.

“You’re making a mistake.” They said.

I stood up for you.

I did all those things only for you to have ripped the floor right from underneath me.

Rinse and repeat.

Table for two, one coffee cup and zero chance of you showing up.

The dark liquid is bitter as it burns my mouth, just like you do with your kisses.

I wait and I sit and I wish that this table for two wasn’t so void without you.

“You occupy my heart and thoughts, but not the space besides me.”

I cannot bring myself to say these words to you so I write them onto the napkin.

Ink bleeds through the paper, just like how my heart does for you.

The first time I caught you with someone else, I thought it’d be the last. You came to my apartment and I realized what the warning signs were for.

A slammed door and spiteful words is all you got from me that night.

You come again weeks later, and I realize that you’re an addiction that I’ve already started.

I push you away, but you pull too deep and I’m freefalling into this illusion again as you kiss me.

“I never really loved her anyway.”

It’s twisted and messed up how easily you say it.

But I’ve learned everything you touched and did became twisted and messed up.

You never apologized, never said sorry for what you’ve done or who you’ve done.

Commitment didn’t exist in your vocabulary. Neither did love.

You just come and go, taking what you want and leaving me hollow with my needs.

I need your love, but you don’t want me.

They had warned me, warned me of the force of your hurricane. But I ignored the blaring red signs and the distress signals.

Now I’m all messed up, sick and tired of wondering where you’re leaving your make-up and whose life you’re making worthwhile.

I am a shipwreck waiting to happen.

Rinse and repeat.

Empty sheets, empty hearts, empty lives.

“Stay.” I whisper quietly as you leave the bed.

But you cannot hear me because you were never listening in the first place.

Why do you take me down this road if you don't want to walk with me?

Why do I take this lonely road with nobody here to walk with me?

Why?

I scream it internally while you make me scream other things externally.

It needs to end. This is unhealthy.

It needs to end so I can pick up the pieces and build it, whatever this was, properly.

But you destroy that ideal in a mere few seconds when you gather your belongings and leave before the sun rises every time.

Our wildfire has spread enough that I can almost smell the acrid smoke in this burning room.

And when you touch me tonight, I know that whatever this is, is about to end.

You stay for the morning and I cannot greet you with a smile like I imagined how I could the first time you stay for the morning after.

“I’m leaving.” You say it so casually, so callously.

“Go if you want.” It comes out raw, teetering on the edge of despair. “I can’t stop you.”

Stay. I scream inside.

But you say nothing else as you gather your things.

Please stay.

You are almost at the door and I open my mouth but the words won’t come out.

Please stay.

I become a shipwreck of what we were, the force of your hurricane and our wildfire leaving me hollow and burning inside.

“Please stay.” I can only manage a choked sob as it fades into silence.

Rinse and repe–

---------

Author's Note: It's Tegan and Sara's fault that I've written my first angst. /)_(\ Please do tell me how I did as this is an area I am highly lacking in~