I kicked at the leaves, mud droplets clinging on to the heels of my boots.

It was cold, cold enough to bring tears to my eyes, the chill biting its way through my layers as I kept walking, shoving my hands deep into my pockets as I sighed, the exhale taking form into misty wisps.

It was Friday, Christmas eve, roughly midnight. The stars shone bright against the dark sky, accompanied by the brilliant moon. Aside from the occasional antique lamppost, it was the only light allowing the pathway to be visible. The pathway which, now covered in dirt and dancing, decaying leaves, I’d walked on so many times.

I kept walking, ignoring everybody and everything. A garden worker looked up from gathering leaves, only to give me a grim smile as he tipped his hat, going back to his work.

Distantly, I heard an owl howl, the noise echoing through the hollow yard.

And somewhere, engraved in the bark of the trees and silenced by the layers of leaves, I could hear laughter.

“Catch me if you can!” Taemin laughed, kicking off his shoes as he ran outside, the brilliant sunlight giving him a halo; never more fitting for his angelic face.

I grinned, running after him, tossing away the book on my lap as I ran across the grass, the vividly green grass tickling the soles of my feet.

“Careful!” His mum had shouted from the balcony, her smile evident through her words.

“I always am!” Taemin had shouted back, returning the smile, his eyes widening when he realised how close I was to catching up.

I took a deep, shaky breath. I always am. Oh, how I had believed it then. How I’d been blinded by his beautiful smile. How I’d always be too mesmerized by the beauty of his eyes, than to see the pain they’d been covering.

I only had myself to blame.

I could only hate myself for not being there, for not saying the right thing when I should’ve.

But strangely, the pain of having to face the reality of it like it was also a relief.

A relief, because, at least by feeling it, by my heart suffering, I knew it was real. It was cliché, but... Feeling pain was better than feeling nothing at all, right? Because, at least then, I could remember.

And I would never forget. The memories were my treasure; my everything. My world.

“The world!” He shouted, enthusiastically. I couldn’t help but laugh at his innocence.

“Well, I’m afraid I can’t give you that...” I said, a smile playing on my lips as I took my gloved hand in his, walking down the road as the lamppost illuminated the snowflakes falling all around us, everything being covered in a thin blanket of snow.

“Well you asked what I wanted for Christmas...” He protested. I laughed, my breath visible. He gave my hand a squeeze and kicked up some snow. We passed a house, the door wide open as a group of children dressed in red and white stood outside singing, a soft harmony. I could see a brilliant Christmas tree decorated with red and gold inside, colourful boxes stocked around.

I could feel that rare feeling of true happiness stir within me. Christmas, winter, it really was the most beautiful time of the year. I laughed at myself; It wasn’t even Christmas yet;  4 days to go.

“But what do you want?” He asked, skipping over a small iced puddle, the ball of fluff on his hat bouncing in the action.

I laughed at him, wrapping him in a sudden hug, pressing him against one of the lampposts, his eyes widening in surprise, his arms already wrapping around me in reflex. I stared into his eyes; beautiful chocolate of the most tempting sort.

“I have everything I want” I answered truthfully, a smile on my face as I used my hand to wipe away some snowflakes on his hair.

“Well I know what I want, then” He said, with a smirk, hugging me tighter, bringing me closer.

“And what’s that?” I asked, returning the smile.

“A kiss.” He said, his eyes glinting with the slightest mischief.

“Oh really...” I said as I leaned down, letting our fingers entwine as my lips brushed his, so briefly they barely even touched. I could feel him pout, and kissed him properly, the smile never leaving my face. Our eyes closed in the pleasure, my hand finding its way through his jacket, slipping through to his back as I brought him closer.

We parted, slowly, looking into our eyes dreamily.

“I love you”

“W-what?” I asked, confused.

“I said, I love your hat” The woman, in her early 50’s with badly-dyed red hair and too much makeup said.  “Where did-“

“T-thanks” I said, walking quickly away, my brain still adapting to reality.

I looked ahead, my vision blurry with the cold. I passed by the familiar oak tree, now and vulnerable-looking in its lack of leaves; the twigs undressed, the bark bare.

He took the blanket over his bare body, his uncertainty evident on his troubled face.

“Are you okay?” I asked, concern growing within me.

“Yeah!” He said, much too quickly. I gave him a look of disbelief.

He sighed, his eyes turning away from mine as he held the blanket against him closer.

“I... I don’t like people seeing me .” He said, his voice barely audible. A single tear ran down his cheek.

I smiled, crawling up to him, my own blanket sliding off me in the act. He blushed, quickly averting his eyes. I tilted his head towards me, my face merely a few centimetres from his.

“And why’s that?” I asked, my eyes searching his eyes.

He continued to look away. A few seconds of silence passed, his body heat radiating through the blanket. He was... In a word, delicious. “Because... I’m ugly.” He said, finally.

“Taemin... You’re as far from ugly as possible.” I said, truthfully. He finally met my eyes, if for a second, quickly looking away, clearly unconvinced.

I laid down next to him on the bed as he sat up. His blanket didn’t cover his back; beautiful, flawless milky skin being revealed. I slid my hands around his thin belly, forcing him to roll on top of me with little restraint from his behalf.

“You’re more beautiful than an angel” I whispered, my tongue speaking my mind as I brushed his tear away with my thumb, his red bangs falling in front of his teary eyes.

He looked at me, properly. I could only hope my face showed how much I believed my own words.

“To me, you’re perfect” I whispered softly, my hands exploring their way under the blankets, resting softly on his lower back.

“Okay.” He said, with a sniff.

“Okay?” I asked.

He smiled at me, a small but genuine one. “Okay, let’s do this.” He said.

My grip on him tightened, pulling him in for a kiss, excitement rippling through me in waves. That, and nervousness.

I could only remember flashes of that night; hot skin met by satisfying touches, stifled moans by kisses and hungry reaches for another as pleasure controlled us.

The night had been perfect, in its own way.

I remember as we looked into each others eyes that night, words not being spoken, yet thoughts shared.

“Never let me go...” He whispered.

“Let me GO!” A child screamed, tearing away from her mother.

The mother grunted in frustration as she ran after the child, an awkward stumble excuse of a jog in her high heeled shoes. “Kelly! Get back here!”

The child whizzed past me, an impressive speed for her size, the woman coming after her, giving me a glare as she passed by, as if I should’ve stopped her.

As if I should’ve prevented her running away.

I looked away, looking ahead of me instead. The lampposts were becoming less regular, leaving me walking into the darkness.

Almost there. I took a deep breath.

You can do this. It’s just for today, remember. You only have to do this today.

Tomorrow, I could wake up on Christmas day and fake a smile to the neighbours. Tomorrow, I could give presents who doesn’t know me, eat food I don’t like, and be nice to those who doesn’t deserve it.

Tomorrow, I can be angry at the repeated Christmas songs on the radio. Tomorrow, I could complain about snow as I would shovel it from my driveway. Tomorrow, I could wake up to children singing outside my door.

And tomorrow, I could pretend everything would be fine again.

“What?” Taemin asked, his eyes in utter confusion.

“I’m sorry... I... I can’t.” I said. It broke me. It broke me to see him like this, to do this to him. It hurt, so, so bad. I tried to keep my voice even, my eyes hard and mind unwavering. I’d made a promise. I wouldn’t fall for the temptation.

Taemin... Wasn’t mine to keep. He had made me swear; swear not to touch him, to kiss him or otherwise, for he had loved him first.

“But why?” He asked, his voice whimpering as he looked at me in desperation, in question for answers. I could see his tears glinting in the light.

I looked away. I loved him. I really did. And hurting him now... I could kill myself.

“I... We shouldn’t. It’s... weird.” I lied, the lie leaving a taste of bile in my throat, my mind and heart screaming in protest.

I could only restrain myself from giving him a hug, kissing him and telling him I’m sorry over and over again. I’d say it until the day I’d die.

“But... We kissed” He protested, his voice weak, small like a child as he took a step towards me, the gap between us seeming too big for its actual size.

“And we shouldn’t have” I said, forcing myself to take a step backwards. “I can’t be with you, because I don’t want to”

“Anybody want some candy canes?!” A woman, surrounded by children wearing red hats with cotton fluff, holding bells in their hands as they all cheered their approval.

I closed my eyes as they ran past me, all laughing and cheering as they sang their seasonal songs with a rehearsed, yet childish, pace.

One, a girl, bumped into me. Her small body backtracking a few steps as she stared up at me with huge, frightened blue eyes. “I-I’m so sorry, sir!” She apologised, stuttering her words in fear.

On any other day, I would’ve bent down to help her, would’ve at least been able to give her a reassuring smile.

But it wasn’t any other day.

It was Christmas Eve.

And today, I couldn’t be that person.

I couldn’t be the one to give fake smiles away. I couldn’t be the one live in the illusion that everything was fine. I couldn’t be the one to lie and say that, actually, I was fine, that I didn’t care, that I’d forgotten all about it.

Not today.

Not on Christmas Eve.

Because it was the one day of the year, when I would allow myself to feel the pain I was trying so hard to bottle up, to shield with a mask of pretended happiness.

After all, ignorance is bliss.

“So you’re just gonna ignore me now?!” He shouted, throwing his phone into my bedroom wall, the device shattering into a thousand pieces, spilling all over the carpet.

“I-“ I was at loss of words, my eyes fixed on one of the screws as it rolled away, rolling around in a little circle, finally coming to an end as it fell to the floor.

“Dammit, I ing loved you!” He screamed. Angry tears stained his cheeks, falling mercilessly to the floor.

“I’m sorry...” I whispered. Guilt ate me up inside at seeing him like this. God, I hated my friend for this. To make me promise something like this, to keep Taemin in the dark like this.

No, I could never forgive him.

I could never forgive him for stealing what I treasured the most.

“That’s all you have to say?” He sobbed, violently shaking as he fell to the floor.

“I never meant to hurt you” I whispered, the truth like a bee sting on my tongue.

“Liar!” He spat, the word dripping with poison. “I should’ve known it would come to this. Happiness never comes without a price”

“You don’t know anything!” I screamed at him, unable to help myself. I could feel my own hot tears falling.

“I know one thing... You never loved me” He hissed, his once tempting brown eyes now glaring with hatred so strong I could feel the blood in my veins run cold.

The cold from beneath suddenly faded, replaced by sudden heat.

I woke up out of my trance, looking down. A candle was lit by ankle, and beside it, many more, all stretching out in a line before me.

I blinked.

I was here.

Emotions of sadness like waves flooded me as my feet led me towards my destination, knowing this place better than my brain could ever learn it.

I closed my eyes, walking the rest of the way there, hands checking for matches in my pocket.

“I’ll always love you. You know that, right?” He said, voice nervous.

“Of course” I said, confused.

“Do you trust me?” He asked, his eyes searching mine.

“With my life”

I opened my eyes, knowing the sight before me before my eyes could settle on it.

How I wished I’d known it wasn’t my life at stake.

The stone before me was like always, but a little older, the gold-plated names a little more faded, the moss around it a little more grown.

I brushed my fingers against his engraved name.

Lee Taemin

July 18^th, 1993 – December 24^th, 2012.

Beloved son, brother and father.

In God’s name, he will find peace.

“Daddy, who’s that?” Asked the voice next to me, his small, Christmas gloved hand gripping mine.

I swallowed the tears, his voice evoking the memories I spent 364 days of the year repressing, all to this one day, to this moment.

“That’s your... Other daddy.” I replied. I couldn’t look at him, not at the confusion in his eyes or the sad smile on his lips.

“You can only have one daddy” Yoogeun said, his voice betraying his confusion.

I faked a smile, facing him. “But we’re special, remember?” He looked at me, shamelessly observing every detail of my face as he pulled out his hand out of his glove, touching the very peak of my nose.

I laughed. It felt dry, hurting my chest. His innocence was so admirable.

“You ready?” I asked, brushing away my tears before he had a chance to see them. Out of my pocket, I dug out a candle and a box of matches.

I gave one to him, his small hand taking the small candle and placing it firmly on the ground in front of the stone before us.

“Want to say hello?” I asked, forcing my voice to stay even.

“Hello daddy... I m-“ He began, but hesitate and frowned, baby eyebrows knitting together. “mi... mis-“

“miss?” I helped. He looked at me in delight.

“-miss you” He said, his tiny fingers the gold-plated name. I smiled at him, flicking the matchstick alight.

“Hello, Taemin.” I said. “I... I’m sorry.” I said, my voice cracking. I swallowed past the lump in my throat, closed my eyes tightly to keep the tears in.

“Daddy, don’t cry.” Yoogeun said, his voice obviously distressed.

“Daddy won’t cry” I promised him, wiping away the tears. “We miss you very much” I said to the stone, rushing out the words before they had the chance to torture me again.

The candle burnt before us, small in its size, enormous in its significance.

“Where is daddy?” Yoogeun asked after a few minutes of silence, his innocent mind trying to work it out.

I rose, picking him up. “He’s in a better place” I said, as emotionless as I could muster.

“Oh” He said, his face revealing his surprise. “will he come back?” He asked.

“I don’t know, maybe.” I said, putting the glove back on his small hand. The cold had already gotten to his fingers.

“When will he be back?” He asked.

I could feel that pain rise within me. “Nev-... We’ll see him one day” I said. I couldn’t lie to him yet... I couldn’t tell the truth either.

“When?” Asked him.

“Later” I promised, I began to walk away, Yoogeun clinging onto me as he looked over my shoulder, his eyes reflecting the small flame which now stood in its own proud stance.

“Presents?” I asked, faking a smile as best as I could, desperate to change the topic. He squealed in his answer, wiggling out of my embrace as he ran ahead of me, small feet making their marked footsteps in the snow.

I looked up, and noticed for the first time the falling snow, falling around me like magical flakes of glowing energy.

I smiled up at the sky, the flakes landing softly on my skin.

Taemin, I...

... I don’t know if you can hear me now but,

If you do then know that, no matter how things ended,

I love you,

I always have and always will.

And I hope that, perhaps now, you can believe me.

There never was anything, or anyone, but you.

And perhaps one day, I’ll be leave this world too,

But even if I do, and even if my body decays into the soil and I become nothing more than soil for the plants of this world, please know that

My love for you will never die. 

A/N: I'm depressed as and I hate everything -.- 

My day and this is how I let my feelings out... God I hope it wasn't bad? :/ - spelling mistakes? They can my d*** ;) The ending? No, I don't say how taemin died, its open for interpretation ^^

Leave a comment of what you think and I'll love you forever also you'll make my life a little better?

Thanks for reading<3