OH! My Boss

Author: lederpqueen (I love your name <3)
 

Reviewer: dooyoomilk :D
 

DYM : I might be a weeeee bit harsh (8.5-9) but don't hate me XD ^_^

Title: 2.5/5

Well first, I had to subtract some points because the title was cliche, and I already had an idea of what the story was going to be as soon as I saw it. If the title is too revealing, then it becomes painfully obvious how the story is going to turn out. I assumed it to be the boss and worker, love-hate relationship kind of thing, which is pretty common among AFF. It didn't exactly draw me in, and if I saw it on the list of updated stories, I'm pretty sure I would scroll right past it along with all the other cliche titles.

BUT.

The "OH" part of the title matches Sehun's last name. OMFG I don't know if it was on purpose, but it was so clever and interesting I had to add some love and points <3. (If it wasn't, then that's alright, luck is a skill after all :D). Though I said it was cliche, it still gave me a cute and positive vibe and it had me smiling for a moment  :). You could perk up your imagination and take it up a notch to catch more readers and show how your story is different !^u^  

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Appearance: 3.5/5
 

Your poster was adorable X) And seeing the poster, I already sensed a love triangle coming on, eh? Haha.

The background/ layout (?) was really blue and bright. Not that I hate blue or bright colors (I LOVE THEM XD), but I think the rainbow on your poster already emphasizes the "cuteness" and fluff of the story, so it might be a little bit too much to have the poster in every chapter with the background. Also, in the description, the quote, "I, Sehun Oh..." might look better with black because your previous two statements have colors on them as well, and you don't want to hurt your readers eyes by making the very first page they see look like skittles.  Other than that, the font was nice ! When I see some cute fluff stories, they make their font really huge, I don't know why, but I love you for not doing that(:. The font choice was nice as well, it was simple and doesn't turn me off. The spacing was a little wide, but I actually liked it because it made it easy to read ! If it's easy to read, it's easy to continue to read. :D  

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Foreword+Description: 6/10
 

Your foreword and description was decent.  I was a little confused at first because it changed the mood a little and didn't say much about the story, but I'm glad it didn't because your title was pretty revealing itself. Also, I wasn't sure who was saying the quotes, which made it more confusing. If the reader is confused on the first page they see, it probably won't catch their interest. And if you were going to add quotes, I think it would have been nice to add a short quote from Luhan and Mika as well, just to show the readers what to expect.  Again, the font doesn't have to be so colorful, but that didn't affect the content or the points I added. The trailer was good! If your description didn't say much, your foreword said a lot :D ! I had an internal conflict with this because the grammar was off, but I thought that was the charm of the description. Though, to some readers, it might not be very attractive, so I'll talk more about that in the grammar section.

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Grammar: 4/10 - ): Sorry I had an issue with this.

Wa-Lah! It's the grammar section !

Description:

You are the lucifer from in my living heavenly life.

And you are the living angel that is a totally pufferfish in my entire life.

>Don't forget your periods!<

>And the 'is a totally pufferfish' actually doesn't make sense, but it was so cute I just wanted to leave it ! But if you wanted to change it, it would look like this: "And you are the living angel in my life."<

I am your boss

And I don't even care

"I, Oh Sehun, will lawfully continue being the certified jerk and handsome devil you would never knew."

>I didn't quite understand what this was saying, so I couldn't correct it. The blue parts of the quote are what you should correct because it doesn't make sense. When you say 'you would never knew', I was trying to assume that you meant to say 'you will never know', but that didn't quite fit into the sentence either. But I forgive this because I do admit that Sehun is a handsome devil :D. <
 

Chapter 1
 

I looked at my father, who was peacefully lying on the bed with a lot of multiple plastic tubes connected(ing) to his body to a foreign machine. Appa! Please be well! I promise I would not won't be that a bad guy, just please wake up. I hold held onto his hand and closed my eyes hoping that he would be fine the moment he would open his eyes. wakes up.

>Your tense keeps changing. Ex. "I hold his hand and closed my eyes." hold= present, closed= past. If you keep changing it, it gets confusing for the readers.< 

"Sehun-ah!" I was been shook by someone as I opened my eyes and there is to see my brother shaking me with all his might, trying to wake me up from my not-so-sweet slumber.

>I "was been shook" -> You can only use one or the other in a sentence. "been" is used as a pair with words like "has, have, or had." I have been, she has been, he had been. <

"Waeyoo hyuung!..Let me sleep!" I cuddled my the stitch stufftoy  who was given by him he gave me and covered my face with my  the thick blanket.

> "Who was given by.." When you're referring to a non-living thing, you should use 'which'. But in this case, the phrase didn't fit in well with the sentence. Also, if you keep using 'my' it sounds repetitive, so I suggested 'the'. >u< <

"No more sleeping beautiful guy, wake up! Appa is waiting downstairs." I felt his weight as on my bed as it lowered on one side. and I just ignored him then  when I suddenly remembered my dream. Appa! Appa? He is Is he well?

> Your sentence isn't flowing well, it keeps breaking and everything sounds sudden, not natural.<

I slowly opened my eyes slowly and looked at him while and plopped(ing) up my arms up. "Appa is alive?"

I received a hard whack on my head. as I uttered those words "Hyuuuung! What's What was that for?" I shouted at him  as I received my morning gift from my great hyuung. for the painful morning gift.

"Appa is alive! You moron! What are you thinking?" He raised his eyebrows at me and pushed me to the bed again.

>AHHH HUNHAN MOMENT ;DD<

>I'm going to stop here, because I think you get the idea ! (: and I'm secretly too lazy to do the whole page /runsaway/<
 

>Your tense keeps switching around, so make sure that if you use past or present tense, you are constant throughout the whole story. It's hard to keep the tense right OTL. I get mixed up too. Also, you add a lot of unnecessary words, making the paragraph "choppy," and it's hard to read without feeling dragged. Some of your sentences are really long too, and I think it's because of all the extra words. I get that you're trying to be descriptive, but the words you add don't go well with the sentence itself.  They don't flow very well together, and I think you should work on smoothing them out. Your thoughts also seem very scattered and all over the place, making it hectic. You should gather your ideas, think about what you're trying to say, and then effectively write them down. Lastly, you keep on forgetting your periods >u<. I'm a huge fan of periods and it bothers me when people don't use them. In this case, I added them for you, so you should go back and check the places you missed them. If the plot is good, but the grammar isn't the best, I can still read and enjoy it. Take '7th Demon' for example. The grammar is not perfect, but the story is so good I anticipate it everyday. Overall, if you polish it, I think it can be a fun story to read. (:<

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Pace: 4/10
 

The pace is important because it sets up the entire story and affects the reader's understanding of the characters. I understand that you're trying to get on with the romantic part of the story, but I think it goes by too fast. Everything was really sudden and choppy. The fast pace made the story seem crumbly and dry. I didn't have time to care about any of the characters, and then BAM! Sehun's father goes falling. There's a moment when Sehun thinks. "I didn't know father was ill, or did I just not care?" I thought that was brilliant, but that statement would be way more effective if you showed me a time when Sehun ignored his father's symptoms. (Also, I thought it was the opposite because in the beginning, Sehun seemed devastated when he dreamt about his father dying. So it confused me as to why he wouldn't care.) Even though Sehun's father was literally dying, I didn't feel bad for him because I didn't know him. The way your story was going, I should be mad at Sehun, but I wasn't; I didn't really feel anything. If this story was compared to cake, I felt like there was too much frosting and no bread. Yeah, the frosting is good, but you need a foundation - the bread - to compliment it. It felt like someone threw the story in my face when I should be introduced to it naturally. I think if you provided a chapter or two for the readers to understand what the family is like and what their daily life looks like, the emotional part you are going for will be better.

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Characters: 11/20
 

So, there was no description of the characters provided in the foreword, so that means that the readers are left to figure out what the characters are like themselves. That also means, that the author has to build on the characters and express them throughout the story. If your characters have depth and history, it's easier for the readers to sympathize and understand them better.  The readers are going to be going through everything that the characters go through, so the more you can make the readers care about them, the better the story will seem.  In your story, the characters were distinct in some sort of way, but if you zoom out for a moment, none of them were refreshing or new. The typical arrogant guy, the nice, gentle guy, and the sassy, stubborn girl. I wish that each character had something that made them different - history? background? scars? habits?
 

Mika:

I can't judge the character development yet, but I can see it happening in Sehun and Luhan because of Mika. But why Mika? You never gave the readers anything to like about her or anything special to see in her, besides the fact that she's pretty stubborn and can stand up for herself. (And those traits are also common among stories like this).  As I read the story, Mika is obviously stubborn and sassy, yet she was convinced to go to Korea, by herself where she doesn't know anybody, in a couple hours by her mother? Was she really willing to pack her bags and just leave without saying goodbye? I thought it was too sudden and quick for that. I got a little annoyed with this character (just a tiny bit) because she wasn't constant in the story. (The love at first sight thing was cute). I forgave the fact that she fell in love incredibly fast because I know Lulu is hot. @_@ HAHAHA XD No, I'm just kidding, I thought it was okay because you showed me why she would fall for Luhan rather than Sehun. Also, I think it would better if you showed some character background like why her mother was willing to send her daughter away just to work for her friend's son.
 

Luhan:

I didn't really see much about Luhan; there was no distinct personality to him. He was (sorry to say) a boring character. :( I get that you only have six chapters up, but Luhan's character wasn't being built or being shown. According to Sehun, Mika must be someone special to make Luhan smile. But the character I saw in Luhan in the chapters I read was a playful guy who jokes with his brother, not a distant guy who doesn't know how to smile. Again, you need to show what they're like so that I can understand the characters better. Also, why did Luhan smile for Mika? Didn't he meet her like two days ago? I didn't SEE the development in Luhan, all Sehun did was say it. Before Sehun said it, I wouldn't be able to notice that Luhan was starting to take notice of her at all.
 

Sehun:

HAHA. I love Sehun in your story. He's an egoistic playboy >u<. And maybe it's because it's in his point of view, I understood Sehun a lot better than any of the other characters, and saw his own personality in him. Basically, what makes Sehun, Sehun? I also understood why he started to notice Mika. His personality was constant throughout the chapters, so it was really nice, and it was fun to see him play around and talk to himself. His character can definitely develop, and this was only the sixth chapter so I was really happy how you were building on him. But then again, there's nothing really new about him in the story, he's the same arrogant, playboy I read about in other stories as well. To make the character different, I wish there was some quirks and kinks that only applied to Sehun in this story.

I also suggest that you give some chapters for the readers to start caring and bonding with the characters.

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Plot: 9/20

 

I thought that the plot was a little bland because I feel like I read everything before. It's the feeling of when you go into a cake shop far from the other ones you went to, but all the flavors, colors, and spices were the same. Though your plot and setting was cliche, I can still see it having it's own twist XD. I'm really waiting for the plot to take a turn that matches the foreword and description, because that seems really different from all the other love triangle stories with the nice guy, arrogant guy, and the stubborn girl. A cliche story that can also be different is what separates a good story from a reeeeally good one. I read many stories like this, so it will be hard to remember. If I can't remember it, then it's not something I would continue to read. I'm reviewing it based on what I read, but I have hopes for this story, so I hope the future chapters aren't the same as all the other stories I read! Be creative! Don't be afraid to add some spice to your cake! (Your fanfic XD IDK I really like cake).

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Overall Enjoyment: 9/20
 

To be completely fair, your story was not finished yet, so I couldn't even see the rising conflict. That's like eating a cake that's half baked, it's obviously not going to be the best. But, if you give some personality to your characters, add some foundation, and make your story different, it would definitely be better. You were the first person I reveiwed XD, so I can understand if you disagree with what I say OTL. X) Good Luck on your story!

Total: 49/100