Unrequited Love
That Should Be Me.
Dear Kim Jongin,
So it was the day of the MelOn Music Awards. I was busy searching for a thesis topic but then again, I've seen my facebook with so many updates and a link to the livestream. I was tempted to view the link and so I did, even if my instincts are telling me not to do it.
I carefully watched the VCR, seeing you with a beautiful girl. At first, it was fine with me. Because I'm already making myself used to those kind of scenes of yours since you're the one often exposed to those anyway.
I saw you, acting as Edward Cullen. It was a bit funny because you were known in the Beatles Code to which you guested before as someone who is similar to Jacob Black with your tanned skin, toned abs and perfect built. It was amazing knowing you're Edward Cullen when all along, it was Kris who I was expecting the whole time. That girl looks beautiful, oppa. White skin, long hair.. And a Korean just like you. I don't want to compare myself, but she sure is lucky, isn't she?
You would hold her hands during that time, share earphones, and even look at her when she's not. My heart was breaking into tiny little pieces, but I can't express it because some people might think I'm shallow.
I'm not a fan of Justin Bieber, but his song, "That Should Be Me", is appropriate for me right now. Jongin oppa, that should be me, holding your hand. That should be me.
Aww, what the hell am I thinking? Even if I become pretty, I doubt you would even notice me. You never did, you did not, and you won't. Why? Because there are so many people, wanting you. And I'm just an ordinary girl, waiting to be noticed by you. But then again, who am I kidding? You would end up with a pretty girl, someone, with the same nationality as you.. And someone, who is way better than me to which I can't compare. Oppa, do you think I'm shallow because I'm crying due to that performance? Can you blame me for having these feelings, which is almost similar to love?
A one-sided love, a parasocial interaction.. An unrequited love. These are my exact feelings right now. I can't blame you, oppa. That is business, and you are a great actor. I can't hate that girl either. But me being jealous, and having a pessimistic point of view, is something inevitable.
I'll be in a dark corner, where you can barely notice. I will continue loving you, despite of that. I just hope that next time, I would be more matured to accept the fact that you and I are never meant to be.
Maybe me, imagining you as my boyfriend, is something delusional, impossible and a wishful thinking. I'm sorry, Jongin oppa. You may hurt me, but in the end, I'll be here, still loving you. That's how a fan should be, right? Call me a masochist, but I'm willing to get hurt, for the sake of your happiness.
Jongin oppa, I've met you twice already, yet you never knew. But that doesn't hinder me from loving you. Distance is never an excuse. Let me see you, for the last time. Because this might be the last day that I would dream about the two of us.
Even if I did see you, you wouldn't even know. I'm invisible in your eyes, yet everyone knows your name. I will just continue dreaming, imagining and having fantasies..
Until the heartaches that lingered within me are gone, not around.. Any longer.
Sincerely,
A Loyal Fan.
Comments