are you happy for me?

I was strolling alongside the river in Sao Paulo, few streets from the Credicard hall, where the stuff were already cleaning the place after the ss5, getting ready to leave. another show has ended.

The ss5 in Argentina will be held in two days from now, so I had the time to tour around Brazil. Well, just around Sao Paulo… but it still counts, right?

It has been a month or so-- since the first Super Show 5 in Seoul. And that two shows were great. Like- GREAT! Plus, it was in my hometown, so it had another perk, I didn`t have to take an airplane in order to get there!!! Yay! I just took a bus :-)

When I first enter the SS5, at the entrance, I called the number on the golden card Jung Hoon gave me.

“oh, it`s you? Ok… here is the number then. Say it to the secure guard and he will let you enter.” Said the voice on the phone. “THANKS!” I replied hurriedly. I was so happy to hear it. Well, it is kind of funny that I HEAR my ticket… right? But I never cared.

I saw the huge crowd lining up to get in, most of them screaming and even crying madly. Some of them held banners, light sticks and big pictures to support the members. Haha! There is a EunHae one! And KyuMin one too~

wait--- no siwon pictures?? Oh! There is one right over there!

“A-are you still there?” someone said to my ear.

Crap! I didn`t hung up on him??

“Yes.. Sorry..” is that that manager of super junior? “Wait! Ahhm… can I ask for a favor?” he cut me off.

“Yes.. of course… what is it?”

“You`ll be going to every super show? For real?” he sounded surprised.

“well… I got the tickets for free.. So why not?”

He chuckled. “That explains it. Its not that I want to snoop or pry on you…just wanted to make sure.”

I looked at the line, four girls ahead and I`m in!!! I can see the inside already, and I can hear the screams inside.

“I want you to write a review on every show—this way, we will know what needs improving and what to pay attention to in the next show. You know, including the fans reactions.. of course, all this only if you don`t mind.”

“i`ll do it. It`s no problem.”

“really? You can? Wow… really thank you. Enjoy then!” he hung up, and I muttered the numbers to the guard. he spread a wide smile on his face, and then winked at me as he let me in.

what is he`s problem?

Then it has started… THE Show…

I saw everyone around me scream and shout.. cry and yell.. And whenever the members approached us, they would cry to the top of their lungs.

And i…

I just stood there. I didn`t scream or even smile.. I just couldn`t.

It brought me back… just like I wanted..

He stood there, next to me… and he sang along with the members.

“why don`t you sing? Come on! You know the words! I taught you! Remember?” I heard him whisper.

“I just can`t..” I answered.

“why?” he smiled at me and put his arm around my shoulder.

“because.. I miss you… so much… so much that it hearts…”

I started crying, with no sound. Even though I could, no one would hear me even if I`ll scream.

I sobbed into my palms. I could feel him looking at me.

I am not crazy. He IS here. “Why did you leave? Why?” I asked nobody.

“I am right next to you, honey.”

“No you are not!" i cried louder. "You are dead.” He didn`t answer, instead he just patted my back.

The song ended.

The woman that stood behind me giggled. “Look how moved she is! She even cries…” she told her friend, who just nodded and looked at me, amused.

I tried to keep myself together for the rest of the performance, as well as to notice the things that could have been better, so I can write on then in the review.

The next day, at the second show, I met the manager afterwards and handed him the paper.

“So.. How was it?” he asked me. Smiling.

He probably thins that i`m a crazy fan, if i`m going to EVERY SS5. Whatever.

“it was okay, I guess.”

Haha! He looks disappointed! But what can I do? Nothing is flawless. And I happen to notice the flaws first, on whatever I see.. So yes, I wrote a LOONG review.

“where are you staying in brazil? It`s one month away, so you have the time to arrange your flight and stuff, right?”

“oh yes. Actualy, there is a group of girls that goes to the shows too, and they even tour the countries they get to.. so… i`ll be joining them. Don`t worry. And I know English as well…”

“Ok ok! Way too many detailes!!! But i`m glad to hear you are dealing fine with that.” He smiled and then left.

I, then, was left with arranging the long stay abroad, and the flying tickets.

I got at the appointed day to the airport. There were a group of six girls.

They were so pretty! They wore fancy cloths, and they were all so fashionable! So not like me! I greeted them and they greeted me back.

“whats your name there?” one of the ladies scoffed at me.

“Alex. Lee.”

“how did you get the money to go to this tour? You don`t seem as a rich person to me at all!” HOW very RUDE of her! Thats not nice!

“I got this as a present.”

“whatever.. Have a good tour.” she shrugged and continued talking with the other girls.

I didn`t talk to neither of them until the rest of the journey. Up until now. Well, unless I needed something they HAD to give me, and even then, I was responded with a cold response.

All I knew about them, is that they worked for SMtown. as stylists. Well, one of them was a choreographer, to be exact.

Even if so, I didn`t understand why they are so cold toward me. Is that because of my not-so-fashionable cloths? Or was that a problem in my personality? Maybe I was just too ugly, cause I never really wore make up? No wait- that can`t be it. I look in the mirror everyday, and I look fine! And my cloths are clean and new, and I love them! I mean, isn`t hoodies and long tights just comfortable?

I hate them.

They make me feel useless, lonely, loser- well, you know that kind of feeling, right.

I felt that, apart from my parents, and him- no one likes me at all. In the whole world.

No one cares about me.

Even if I die- I don`t think anyone would bother to go to my funeral. Maybe my parents would, but they are my freaking PARENTS- and every parent loves his child!!!

The only one that truly loved me- has died- and now, I`m all alone.

Stop crying. It has been two years. YOU SHOULD BE OVER IT BY NOW!

I was there, standing at the riverbank, looking at the soft waves.

I picked up a small stone and threw it as hard as I could into the water. It went down with a loud splash, the water circuits slowly fading, revealing the sky reflection again.

I sat down and face palmed myself. I can`t stop sobbing.

The clouds covered the sun, and it looked like evening already. I suddenly heard heavy footsteps from behind. When I turned around, I saw a strange looking old woman. She wore heavy jewelry; an old gown studded with glitter dots, and leopard shoes. On her head there was an old hat with colorful feathers.

What the hell with this looks- she would even scare my father away! And my father is the most eccentric man I have ever met!

Ok, I might be exaggerating- but hell she looks odd.

I stare at her, and she stared back at me.

Wow deeeppp down! She is like, hearing my thoughts!?

“May- may I help you, miss?” I said in English.

“How can you help me, if you can`t even help yourself?” she asked, stil glaring at me. She got closer- down the hill, to the riverbank where I stood, frozen.

“I- I just wanted to help if I can… if I can`t help my self- then I will at least help others. That’s the way I go.”

I just looked at her, sincerely. The thoughts of everything i`ve been through suddenly popped into my mind. Tears began to form in my eyes, threatening to fall. I then began to cry softly, my tears role down in an endless trail.

“You miss him that much?”

“Yes- yes ma`am. I do.” I wasn`t even bothering to ask how did she know about it.

I felt tear drop from above me, on my nose, on my hair. Funny- the sky is crying with me now.

I heard the woman laugh quietly. I quickly wiped my tears with the hem of my sleeve and looked at her.

“You will be fine, young lady. Don’t cry. You will find someone very soon- too soon I`m afraid. But you might not know that he is just the one for you.” She added.

What? Me? But how.. When, where?

“Don`t ask too many questions- fate will get you to where ever you need to be at.”

Really? I`ll be able to heal soon? I didn`t say it out loud, I just looked at her, my eyes strung with tears.

“Yes, you will. Everyone will.”

But now, I am alone here. No one cares about me anymore… I said to her by just looking into her big, dark eyes.

“You will also have friends. Like everybody else has.” She whispered softly.

The rain stopped.

“I think I should get back… to my hotel I mean…”

“you have a pure heart… so kind hearted.” She cut me. “remember to always see the bright side- right? And be happy. Daniel would like you to be happy, right?” she continued with a wide smile.

How did she know?? HOW? It just doesn`t make sense!

“I know things, young lady... My dear. You will be okay- even if i don`t know the future for sure, I can promise you that at least. Because every person is good, by the end. And now, if you`ll excuse me, I need to go.”

“No! Don`t go just yet! I need to know how you—“

She ignored me and kept walking.

Maybe she is a future teller? but she said she does`nt know the future for sure.. so how come...

Never mind. I need to change my cloths, or else i`ll catch a cold. I ran back to my hotel room, and saw from afar the back of the old woman, slowly fading in the sunset horizon of Brazil.

I smiled to myself, and got up to change those soaking wet clothing of mine.

“Hey you!” A girl stopped my rush running, she grabbed me by my arm- “Yes?” I replied shortly. I`m so cold! Let me just go and change…

“Wow! you are soaking wet! Don`t tell me- you went out in the rain?”

It`s that girl who insulted my fashion sense!? Why would she bother talking to me??

“You`ve got quite a nerve there… anyways, change this fast and come!”

“What? And why would I do that?” I snorted.

“Don`t tell me you are still upset about that time! I told you I am sorry...”

“You didn`t say so- and even if you did, I didn`t hear you.”

“I am so, so sorry! I didn`t mean to.”

Don`t tell me- now she is nice to me?! Cause that just can`t be!!!

“Ok! You obviously want something! Right?”

she looked at me with a hurt expression.

“NO!” she said, shocked. “Did I really hurt you that much?”

“Why you need me? Say it quickly, I`m freezing.”

“It’s.. I just wanted to go to the movie theater with you.. since I never got to know you…” she let go of my arm.

Good god… that future teller? Friends? THIS GIRL? Why…

“I`d love to go there with you. Just wait here.”

Future teller or nor, I was feeling quite lonely this past few weeks, and spending time in getting to know some new friends wouldn`t hurt me.

I guess?

Daniel? You hear me?

It’s the first reall friend I am going to have in a long time.. Like- reall reall... since Maara left to the USA…