If you lose hope,

somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving,

you lose that courage to be,

you lose that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all.

And so today I still have a dream.

 

And all our dreams can come true,

if we have the courage to pursue them.

We must only act, but also dream.

Not only plan, but also believe.

 

 

Chapter 02

THE DREAM OF FUTURE

 

 

“I’m sorry, Yoseob.” A woman kissed Yoseob on his forehead and his hair. “I have to go.”

“It’s okay, mom.” Yoseob faked a smile. It was normal to be sad when your mother couldn’t accompany you when you were sick. But he also knew he couldn’t be selfish by keeping his mother by himself.

“Do you want me to call someone to accompany you?” Yoseob’s mother asked as she took her bag.

Yoseob shook his head. “My friends will come over soon. You don’t have to worry, mom.”

Yoseob’s mother walked to the door and smiled gently. “Okay then. Bye, honey.”

Yoseob replied with his most beautiful smile and then she left. Yoseob sighed as he sat up. Actually he didn’t know if his friends would come or not. He just didn’t want to trouble his mother and that was why he said that.

Yoseob looked outside the window. The window was facing the hospital garden, so it was kind of refreshing to look at the view. He was staring at the scenery as he was wondering why he couldn’t admire it. He used to admiring it, but today he didn’t feel like to. Strangely, it didn’t feel refreshing for him today. It didn’t light up his mood, not even a bit.

And then, he decided to close the window with its curtain. What was the point for looking at something that he didn’t interested to look at?

All this time, he always had the strength to feel grateful for every single thing that happened in his life. He gave his best to think every single thing in his life as a way to make him better in the future. But today the strength in him kept fading away. Especially when he remembered that one sentence.

I’m dying slowly.

That was the harsh meaning of whatever Kyuhyun, his doctor, said this morning. He knew since in the first place that soon or later he would hear that sentence filling his mind. He promised to himself that he would never be a pessimistic, yet, he still felt it deep inside his heart. He had prepared for the worst thing, yet, it felt different when it really happened.

He didn’t want to die soon. Not when his mother still worrying about him. Not when Gikwang almost quit swimming. Not when everyone around him was having a bad time to solve their problem. He would like to leave everything happily, when he felt enough for making their life better in the future. He would like to, if God wanted it.

 

******

 

Yoseob walked along the corridor with a happy face. Finally his parents let him back to school after their argument in a whole day. He missed his friends so much. They didn’t visit him for three days because of their busy school activity.

As usual, he found their beloved friends in their class, chatting and fooling around. When he stepped inside the room, the shout of shock, surprise and joy could be heard.

“Yoseob hyung!” Someone jumped to him and hugged him in almost five seconds. He even didn’t have enough time to realize who the male student was. Then seconds later, another male person started hugging him too. Both of the students jumped happily and sandwiched him in the middle intentionally. He almost could not breathe if the boys didn’t let him go.

“Yah, he couldn’t breathe if you hug him that tight!” A familiar voice that could be known as Junhyung was heard.

”I’m sorry, hyung.” The taller, Dongwoon, said, giggling.

The shorter one, Gikwaqng, grinned and showed him two fingers as a sign of peace. “Just for fun, Yoseob-ah.”

The three of them walked to their usual seat. After Yoseob put his bag on the table, he hugged the rest of them friendly.

“Yah, when did you get out of the hospital?” Junhyung asked.

“Three days ago. I’ve been staying in house during those three days… ALONE.” Yoseob emphasized the last word. The other just chuckled innocently.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Doojoon demanded.

“I don’t think that you would pick me up if I said so.” Yoseob stated bluntly, followed by the laughter from the others.

Yoseob looked around and realized that Hyunseung was not there. Then he asked the others. “Do you know where Hyunseung hyung is?”

 

******

 

Yoseob walked in to the bulletin room. He wished to see Hyunseung there, yet, he just found a male student who was not Hyunseung. The male student said that Hyunseung was going to the office rom and he should be back soon. And Yoseob agreed to the student’s idea to wait Hyunseung inside the bulletin room.

“Thank you, Nichkhun-sshi. I’ll just wait him here.”

After few minutes, the male student left and there was just Yoseob alone in that room. Yoseob got a little bored and helped Hyunseung by tidying his stuff, starting from the messy table until the papers that scattered everywhere. When he was almost done, he found a bunch of papers which was hidden mysteriously under the table and was covered by a black cloth.

“What is that?” He asked, much to himself since he was the only person in this room. Fighting with his ethic, he finally took the black cloth and took out the papers. He read it fully.

Suddenly the door was opened and revealed Hyunseung with his book. Yoseob just froze on his spot since he could not put it back when Hyunseung already came.

“Hi, Yoseob-ah! You’re back!” Hyunseung said excitedly as he approached the younger. But he stopped once he realized what that boy was holding. Within five seconds, Hyunseung already snatched the papers from the younger. He read it and everything was just perfect like he expected. It was his papers which were hidden by him from everyone for almost one month.

“Y-Yoseob-ah, you didn’t read this, did you?” Hyunseung asked in a worry tone.

Yoseob smiled bitterly. “Unfortunately, I already did.”

“It’s good though. Why don’t you send it to the last competition?” Yoseob added.

Hyunseung raised an eye brow. He did hear that, didn’t he? “What is good?”

Yoseob shook his head. “Are you dumb or pretend to be one, hyung?”

“What are you talking about?” Hyunseung ignored and sat down next to the boy.

“I’m talking about those amazing papers, hyung. I’m sure that it would win in the writing competition.” Yoseob said, desperately convincing his best friend. “Though it is too bad to be true that you are the writer.”

“Yah!” Hyunseung glared at the boy and punched his arm lightly as he heard the last sentence. They both laughed.

“I mean it, hyung. Trust me; you can be a good writer if you want to be one.” Yoseob said sincerely. “You can send one of yours to the competition. Just to prove how good your paper is, hyung.”

Hyunseung bite his lips. He was not sure about this. What if he didn’t win? He would be so embarrassed. And what if his parents knew this? He would be so damned. His parents wanted him to be a lawyer. They didn’t even know about his activity in the school bulletin.

“I don’t think so, Yoseob.”

“Come on, I’ll promise you I’ll be in the final.” Yoseob pursued.

“What kind of promise is that? I couldn’t see where the advantage of having you in the final.” Hyunseung scoffed, teasing.

Yoseob pouted cutely. “Of course I’ll be worth to be there, you mean hyung.”

 

******

 

“Hey, guys!” Junhyung greeted their friends as he joined them in the canteen.  A girl showed up from his back with a shy smile. Her cheeks were slightly red.

The others smirked. Who would not know what they did when the girl showed up blushing with her lips swollen? And just for you information, they were a couple.

“Hyung, you didn’t do anything to her, did you?” Yoseob asked innocently.

“Yah! This kiddo is really…,” Junhyung said as he ruffled Yoseob’s hair and sat down.

Yoseob pouted and fixed his hair immediately. “Hyung, don’t touch my hair! And I’m not a kid!”

“Well, you are a kid.” Junhyung retorted.

“Yoseob, you’ve back. I miss you.” The girl ignored what Junhyung said and hugged Yoseob friendly and sat beside Junhyung.

“Look, hyung. Watch out, Heechan might fall for me soon.” Yoseob giggled as he teased Junhyung. He was about smacked by Junhyung when Doojoon prevented Junhyung to doing so.

“Just cut it off already! Can’t we eat now? I’m starving.” Doojoon said.

And then the seven of them began eating their lunch happily. They chatted and fooled around as usual. It was one of the best moments Yoseob ever had. He missed this moment during those days when he could not come to school. He missed the warmth of their friendship.

“I heard that there will be a writing competition among the high school throughout the city in this country. Is that true?” Gikwang said. He rolled his eyes when he saw Dongwoon didn’t even take a glance at him as he ate his food hungrily.

“Yeah, I also heard it. They said our school will be the host school. Cool, right?” Junhyung said.

“It will be held next month, if nothing changes.” Heechan stated. “It will be in the next week school bulletin, anyway.”

This time was Hyunseung’s turn to be surprised. He was the leader of the school bulletin team, but how could he didn’t even know this? “Really? It’s gonna be in the next week school bulletin?”

“Hyunseung oppa, I’m the one who wrote it. Don’t you remember? I gave it to you, didn’t I?”

Hyunseung’s face was blank at first, but then he scratched his head shyly. “Actually, I didn’t have a chance to read it yet.”

“So, the news is true? We’re gonna have a nation writing competition in our school?” Doojoon asked, smirking. A nation event meant there would be too many girls from every city to pick on.

“I have a very good feeling that it will be fun.” Yoseob commented as he glanced toward Hyunseung mysteriously.

 

******

 

 “Where do you want to go after school?” Doojoon asked Yoseob. The school was over and now they were talking about what they would do after school.

“I want an ice cream. So, I think I’m gonna go to the ice cream store.” Yoseob grinned cutely. Just imagining it had made him happy.

“Alone?” Doojoon asked in discomfort. Yoseob nodded.

“You’re not going to be alone. It’s not fun at all, going alone.” Doojoon said as a final, following by a nod from Yoseob. It was a bit weird that Doojoon said something like that, but Yoseob decided to shrug it off.

“Who will accompany Yoseob?” Doojoon asked the others.

“I and Doojoon would have basketball practice.” Junhyung said.

Hyunseung’s turn. “I would have bulletin meeting. I really should be there.”

“I have a date with my girlfriend. I promised her since a week ago.” Dongwoon said, feeling a stare through his left spot where Doojoon sat.

“I’ll accompany him. I’ve nothing to do.” Gikwang finally said.

Doojoon clapped his hands once, feeling relieved. “Then it’s settled.”

Yoseob hugged Gikwang cheerfully. “Thank you, Gikwang.”

Doojoon chuckled looking at the cute boy beside him. He could not let the cute boy alone. He already promised to himself that he would do anything for the cute boy. Then he remembered his words to the boy’s parents that night.

 

Flashback

He was working on his homework when his cell phone rang. It was Yoseob’s mother. She told him that she had something to say about Yoseob.

“Sometimes everything could not happen like we expected, Doojoon-sshi.” Doojoon kept silence as he heard her talking. “While we wait for the transplantation, Yoseob’s condition is getting worse. His heart is unpredictable.”

Doojoon stunned. This was the only thing he most afraid of.

“I want you to promise me something, Doojoon-sshi. Could you do it for him?”

“I’ll help as much as I can, Mrs. Yang.”

“Promise me that you will make sure he won’t be alone outside the house. My husband and me couldn’t always look after him outside the house. He can have a relapse anywhere and anytime. It will be very bad if no one knows when it happens.”

“Yes, I will, Mrs. Yang.” With that sentence, a tear formed in his eyes. It flowed down to his cheek just like that.

End of flashback.

 

He remembered everything and he still had no intention to break his words. It was not because of Yoseob’s mother who asked it. Also not because of a thought that a man must keep his promise he promised that. It was just because he could not lose one of his best friends. Not when he could prevent it or at least keep the boy’s life as long as possible.

 

******

 

“I want a chocolate, one, ahjussi.” Gikwang said to the ice cream seller. Yoseob said he wanted to go to the ice cream store, yet, they went to the park somewhere in this city. It seemed like Yoseob often went there, because his driver drove them here straightly when Yoseob said ‘usual place’.

It was a quiet park with a leafy and cool atmosphere. It was a place where you would never be worried to do anything. Screaming and crying were included. Gikwang was wondering how Yoseob found this comfortable park.

After buying ice cream, both of them went to the spot of the park where the place was so grassy and spacious. Yoseob ate his ice cream in a speed of light and then lay down comfortably on his back. He spread his arms widely and closed his eyes. Gikwang was confused, but he did it too in the end.

“Yoseob-ah, what are you doing? We’ve look alike stupid.” Gikwang whined after two minutes.

Yoseob opened his eyes and chuckled at his impatient friend.

Yoseob ignored Gikwang’s whining. Instead he asked something. “Gikwang-ah, if you did something, then you lose. Would you regret that you had done it?”

Gikwang raised an eyebrow at the weird question. “Huh?”

Receiving no answer, Yoseob kept talking. “For me, I would never regret it, because at least I have the courage to try it.”

Gikwang kept silent. He remembered one, when he was in the swimming championship. Lately, he would feel regret that he had followed the championship just to be embarrassed when he didn’t win. And the most he remembered, he ever feel regretted swimming.

Gikwang frowned. “What’s wrong with you? Why do you ask something weird like that?”

“I know that you wanted to quit swimming.”

With that sentence came out from Yoseob’s mouth, Gikwang stunned. So, that was all about this.

Yoseob turned his head to see Gikwang staring at him. Yoseob smiled and somehow Gikwang felt calm looking at that smile. He felt comfortable and forgot everything that bothered him lately.

“You know, I won’t ask you to tell me the reason or the full story why you said that. Instead I will tell you mine. Maybe you could change your mind.” Yoseob looked back at the sky.

“Well, everyone has dreams and so do I. My dream was something that normal kid would have even when they didn’t ask for it. But people around me always think that my dream was impossible. Being a stubborn kid I am, I told them that I’m too stupid to know what’s impossible. I told them that I was too stupid to always want a happy life just like the other kids around me with this weak heart of mine.” Yoseob hold his left chest. “I have ridiculously large dreams in my state that everyone I talked to would gave me a look that saying ‘It would never happen’. But, you know, as time goes on, they are the witness of my happy life. They said a kid with my condition wouldn’t pass eight years old, but as you can see, I have survived until today.”

“I tell you; all our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. You might wonder whether I have lost my dream or not.” Yoseob used his hands as the support for his head. “Yes, of course, I had lost my dream once. And do you know what did happen to me? I didn’t even have the courage to be health because I was afraid to be sick again. I purposely didn’t drink my drug and hide somewhere in the hospital just so that they wouldn’t force me to drink it. In those times, I spent almost all my days in the hospital.”

“Really?” Gikwang widened his eyes in surprise. He just couldn’t believe that someone like Yang Yoseob who was known as a stubborn and tough person could be like that in the past.

“But then I met another heart patient in the hospital, but his was worse than mine. His name was Kim Junsu and he was several years older from me. He looked a bit fool, but when he sang and played the piano, he turned to be cool and awesome. We did many things together. And he was the one who made me realized that nothing to be afraid of.”

“You never told me about him before…” Gikwang mumbled. It was loud enough for Yoseob to hear.

Yoseob chuckled and hit the younger’s arm playfully. “Yah, it was far before I met you!”

He remembered his old friend, Kim Junsu. Junsu hyung that he always missed. Junsu hyung that every words of him would always touched his heart. They met just in a week, but it was the meaningful days that changed his life forever. He considered the older as his best hyung until he couldn’t bear to cry his heart out once he heard the news that the most talented man to be a singer had had his last breath. The great Kim Junsu he ever knew had left him.

“He made me realized that if I lose hope, somehow I lose the vitality that keeps life moving, I lose the courage to be, and I lose the quality that helps me go on. That’s why today, I still have a dream.”

“And what your dream is?” Gikwang asked curiously. Yoseob was always cheerful and so close to them. He never showed this side of him to anyone.

“My dream is to have a miracle in my life. I don’t know what it would be, but I’m surely want one.” Yoseob said as he sat up. He looked at Gikwang and smiled. “To accomplish great things, we must have not only plan, but also dream. Not only act, but also believe.”

“You have to believe that you can be the first if you want to be.” Yoseob patted the younger’s shoulder once. “If people see things as they are and say ‘why?’, you have to dream of things that never were and say ‘why not?’.”

 

******

 

 

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