A/N :

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JUNG PILKYO aka STEVE JUNG aka SHIN HYESUNG!!!! May the next year brings you splendid and sumptuous blessings.. Keep healthy, our Shin Brief.. Keep wealthy and I'll send you many prayers for your happiness, Mommy Bird.. Just return the deeds with more smiles and your outstanding works.. I love you, Eric's bestfriend.. *blushing*

Send my regards to Eric too for the endless inspiration of Ricsyung, whenever I see he's staring lovingly at you.. :p

Let's party!! :D :D :D

This chapter was inspired by Colbie Caillat's song called "Break Through".. Oh Miss Colbie, you're my new heroine.. ^^

I looked straight to your eyes – scrutinizing it deeply – and tried so hard to find any sign that could answer my question. Your eyes’ color were slightly brown – I knew that fact since long ago – but other than that, I could only see how you stared back at me with the same hesitant expression like five minutes ago.

I slowly lifted my right hand and touched your cheek with the tip of my fingers. It made you shiver and blink the second our skin touched. Perhaps from the cold, I assured myself. It was almost midnight now and the air was very cold, but I daringly touched you with my bare fingers. You didn’t move or flinched from my touch. You only widened your eyes even more but still nothing to read your mind. Some seconds passed with you kept shutting your mouth and refused to answer me, despite my raising anxiety. Now, I caressed the skin near your lips, just because I love it so much to feel it trembles against my fingers. You kept silent but at the same time, never pushed my hand away.

May I take it as a good sign?

I took a breath before whispered my question once again.

“Pilkyo-ah, what your answer would be?”

***

Why was it so hard? Our love, why was it so hard?

It was so long ago since I realized that I love you. But I didn’t think it was love at the first sight. Even though since the first time I heard your voice when you sang on the audition, I knew I would follow you wherever you go, I believed it wasn’t love. I remember it – the first time we met, I remember it. Truthfully, I had so many other plans back then. I wanted to try to be an artist – that was why I tried out the audition – but I also wanted to be something else. But since the moment I had heard your voice, I finally knew, I only wanted to be a singer with you. Other choices were vanished. I would take my whole life if I needed it to, but surely I would never give up on you. My wish was very specific – I didn’t want to be just any singer, but I had to be a singer with you.

It was a weird feeling though, because I never knew that a feeling like this could exist. The feeling of longing and also a genuine yet unclouded happiness every time I see you.

But no, I thought it wasn’t love at the first sight.

Even though I didn’t know when or where it started, nor I couldn’t describe it, but the feeling was definitely there and going stronger.

After we were confirmed to be a trainee, we had to move to South Korea and even lived in the same dorm. All was fine for me. I was more than happy to have a chance to be near you. Living under the same roof as you means that I could meet you every day. Seemed like the sky was in my favor. But then in only few days, I learned that your personality wasn’t as innocent as your outward image. If I ever thought that you’re delicate, then I soon learned that you were far from that. Betraying your cute feature, you liked to curse and scold me.

But I liked you anyway. I liked you even though on numerous occasions you always said it very clearly that you disliked me.

Our first days on our dorm were depressing – at least for Andy. That poor boy had always stuck between us whenever we fight. I didn’t even understand why we fight back then, but everyone blames our opposite personality. What was so wrong with me tried to joke around with everyone by the way? It made them laugh and it wouldn’t harm anyone. But for you, it only ignited your anger and then you would predictably explode. Believe me, what made my mental state strong wasn’t our hellish practice or fierce competition in this industry. It was you – and your cursing and your constant rejection.

You taught me how to swallow down rejections and failures, and yet I woke up the next morning to try again.

I must have been crazy to admit it.

It looked like I’ve all alone needed you by my side. Even the members could see that. I liked you too much but you never cared, let alone returned my attention. At some rare moments, you would be so nice and treated me well, but on other occasions it seemed like your favorite hobby was finding my fault.

But I liked you anyway.

Blame it to the gut feeling that kept me going. Because on every glare and vicious stare you threw, I saw something else. Possibility. A possibility that you might also like me. People might say that I had a bad habit to live in my own world – that I was only imagining things and believe whatever I want to believe – but I would hold onto that preposterous possibility as long as I could. Because really, ending one love that hadn’t even started yet was too sorrowful, in my opinion.

That night, do you remember it? The night I finally confessed to you? You were looking out the window and I noticed how you took a deep breath every ten seconds. I didn’t know what made you so nervous. Silently observing you from the side, it seemed like I was on trance. Your hair, your smooth face, the small eyes that avoided me, the small skin of your neck that peeked from your jacket collar, and the small lips that exhaled in nervousness. Sitting beside you, some gratifying smells tickled my nostril – the smell that was belonged to you, the smell of your sweat after practice combined with your cologne. The smell that always got me loses my senses. And I couldn’t help myself, I sneaked my hand into your jacket pocket where you put your hand. I shamelessly gripped your hand without your consent like a maniac. You were startled and I only giggled. Whatever, I already lost my common sense since long ago.

And then I confessed to you, on the bus at the snowy night with our hands intertwined inside your jacket pocket.

I never ever had dreamed that you would accept me.

The happiest days of my life just began after that night. Everything seemed two times brighter since I could call you mine. We shared the secret behind our ‘bickering’ and did our best to put our guard up. Nobody needed to know about us. Jung Pilkyo, you were a hell of an actor. Because you could continue to treat me bitterly when in fact you were incredibly sweet if there’s just the two of us. Sometimes I thought that you tried too hard to conceal this, it turned into suspicious actions. Unfortunately after that night, you didn’t want to sleep at the same room with me anymore. You reasoned that you were not the kind of people who sleeps with their boyfriend casually.

I admitted that I wished this to last a little longer, but sadly, our ‘relationship’ only lasted for mere four months.

Someone knew, or to be more precise, some people finally knew about us. No matter how we tried to act in front of people or how we hid behind the closed door just to spend our time together, some people recognized our secret. Our members and few managers and maybe few staffs knew it too. And it freaked you out. You were so afraid that this would affect Shinhwa and our music career – we were just starting to taste the fruit of our hard work – so you took the easiest yet safest way.

“It’s not too late, Junghyuk. We have to let this go. Let’s break up.” You said firmly. I never said that this was the pain-free way.

If only you didn’t need to be drunk to say those words to me, then I would believe you when you said that this was only a phase that would pass. You said that we only fooled around, that this thing was never meant to be serious anyway. That sooner or later, this had to be ended eventually, so better do it as quickly as possible before it became too late and before we caused the irreparable damage. If only I didn’t listen for your cry behind the door later that night, then I would believe you.

Not much happened between us during those four months – only several kisses and hugs – because we’re kind of new in this. But it was more than enough to keep me drawn to you. Like a fool, I only looked at you. Loving you was like a curse. But too bad for me, I wasn’t a damsel in distress. So no prince charming or frog could save me.

“Maybe we just need some more time.” You always said that whenever I told you that this was getting unbearable. I could see you and all I needed was reaching my hand to touch you, and yet you were so far away. Because I couldn’t call you mine.

Pardon me if I ever said that I complied with your will for Shinhwa’s sake. The more I thought about this matter, perhaps I needed to take back those words entirely. I was never that brave to sacrifice myself and put other’s account first. The main reason why I agreed to end our relationship was because I was afraid – I let fear consumed me. I was afraid about ruining our chance to keep being singers, I was afraid about my family’s reaction, I was afraid that I would lose few friends I had, I was afraid that you would break apart if you reach your limit and I was afraid that you might hate me if I keep clinging onto you and being a heavy burden for you. That was why I only nodded when you suggested about letting this go.

So now you knew, my fear and concerns were as huge as yours.

We said that the time was meant to heal. We thought that by the times gone by, we would eventually forget. That one day we would be able to start again with someone else. But it still hurts inside – it hurts so badly. I wish that none of this was real because we're so far behind. It felt like we’re getting further – with you who constantly added more layers to cover your inner self and me who did the lamest way I could come up to forget you.

I dated girls. Many of them. Even though I didn’t fall in love with them, I dated those girls.

“Love can grow.” You ever said to me rather unsure. “If you give it a chance and time.” You assured me that it’s okay if we began dating someone else. You talked as if love was a habit, not an affection or natural fondness.

That was when I stopped trying to understand you. That was when I realized that your words were full of . It was either you lied or you really not cared. It was as if I was brought back to our dorm’s life when I foolishly liked you and in return, you easily said that you dislike me.

“That’s right. That’s good, Junghyuk.” You said approvingly on one night I told you that I had a (new) girlfriend. How could you smile when you said that? And as if you found a cue from me, you started to date girls too. I thought that was the beginning of our end. I thought that in a few more years, there would be no ‘we’ ever again.

“Do you love her?” You asked me on one night we were drinking together, few years later when I had this pretty stable relationship.

“Yes.” But not as much as I love you.

And you smiled as you gulped down your drink.

“Love does grow.” I muttered slowly but averted my gaze to any direction other than your eyes.

I felt so low by pretending that I didn’t notice your bitter tone. Your acting was getting lousy, Pilkyo. It seemed like the table was turned right now. And now, it seemed like you’ve been all along needed me by your side. Are you, by any chance, regretting letting me go? I swallowed back my curiosity and chose not to do anything about it. Because you never said anything about it too. But why I feel so guilty to the point that I couldn’t look at your eyes?

I heard a clang of glass when you poured more alcohol to your glass. You never responded that sentence, as you spent the next hour filled and refilled your glass with alcohol before dunked it raw to your throat. I took you home after you successfully poisoned your brain with alcohol until you passed out. 

As I drove you home, I really wanted to tell you this. Just like you said, love does grow, Pilkyo. Perhaps you were right when you said that love was a habit after all. I could not deny that spending my days and nights with her made me wanted her. I even had this intention to marry her someday. I admitted that I couldn’t love her as much as I love you, but I thought it was pretty close. But I also couldn’t deny that something was clearly off. It felt like there was a huge river inside my chest and for years it has been blocked mercilessly. And this damn river needs to flow. This damn river screams painfully from its cut off desire. Every time I see you or hear your name, then this damn river was throbbing inside as it were ready to burst – desperate to find some outlet.

“I broke up with her.” I murmured when you picked up the call.

“Are you okay? Should I come over?”

You never asked me why. You never demanded any explanation. You only hung up the phone and then came straight to my house, not caring that it was already dawn and I just disturbed your sleep. You barged in my house wearing only thin jacket and slippers, and breathlessly asked me “Are you okay?” the second we’re face to face. Would you believe this? That I felt like crap five minutes ago, but now I did feel okay because you were here. Would you believe me if I say this? That you could fix me just by being present and holding me closely.

So I nodded at your question and said to you, “Stay with me, Pilkyo.”

And thank God, you stayed. And would you believe me? When later that time I fell asleep beside you, I actually felt peace. Your soothing voice, your small taps on my shoulder and your smile that I saw before I closed my eyes were the premium lullaby.

“Pilkyo, can we try to let it go? Just be at ease at each other and not covering our feeling anymore?” I suggested one morning when we had breakfast together. Your body went stiff when you faced me with nervous expression.

“If that feeling comes to the surface again, then it probably supposed to be there. And it only means that we’re supposed to be together. That we’re meant to be.” I said as I grabbed your hand before you could react. How familiar the feeling was – now I had this small electricity trickles from my fingers along the way to my chest and my neck and the tip of my nose. I noticed how you bit your lip a bit and damn, how could you stay this beautiful even after so many years passed?

“But – “

“If we don't try than we'll never know, Pilkyo. Just this once, please. Just this once, can we try to let it go?”

I was enlisted to start my mandatory service next month, and I thought I couldn’t spend the next two years wondering if I still had a chance with you.

You smiled vaguely before said slowly, “Okay.” I knew I grinned so wide from ear to ear after I heard those words from you.

I thought that our time was endless – that we could take the process as slow as we want. Four years passed and we’re still in between – still in the small area between friend and lover with no exact terminology. We called ourselves ‘bestfriend’ because we’re lack of the precise noun. I thought our time was unending, until one day you fell on the stage. That was when I realize it’s time to be decisive.

-Don’t come. I can’t stand your stare.-

You sent that message from the hospital and even told your manager to not letting me visit you that night. You were right on one point, I wouldn’t be able to control myself if I saw you in pain. But you were wrong too, it pained me much not seeing you and not knowing your condition. You should’ve let me come with you too.

“Is it hurt?” The words choked awkwardly when I was standing on your room door.

“I try not to think about it.” You retorted in hazy. I couldn’t see your face inside this dark room so I stepped ahead.

“Painkiller?”

“A lot of painkillers.” And then you giggled with tears running down your cheeks.

I jumped the bed and hugged you. At first, you fought me and tried to get away. But I was a lot stronger than your intoxicated self, so you gave up. Instead, then you found a freedom to cry louder. “I’m sorry I messed up.” You said that endlessly in the middle of your crying no matter how much I tried to assure you that you didn’t owe any apology to anyone.

“Why are you always following me?” You pouted when that day, once again I followed you and took the elevator of your apartment building. “Taehak is enough.” While your manager only lowered his head and restrained his smile. Even your manager knew I won’t leave you alone, why couldn’t you? You pouted even more when I pretended not to hear anything you said.

“I’ll cook you midnight supper.” I threw my bag when we arrived on your unit and I headed straight to the kitchen.

“I’m not hungry.” You answered dryly when you dragged your feet to your bedroom followed by silent Taehak. Say whatever you want, but I know one fact – dragging your hurting feet all day wearing crutches is excruciatingly tiring. You will be hungry in no time, Pilkyo. Just watch me.

“Smells good.” You entered the kitchen twenty minutes later and sighed tiredly. “What is that?”

“Meatball soup.” I said proudly.

“Do I have the ingredients in my fridge?” You asked in surprised.

“Yeah, I brought it yesterday with the rest of the grocery.”

“Stop doing that. You should take a rest whenever you have a chance. Don’t waste your time by shopping my grocery or cooking me dinner.”

“I have enough sleep in my car. Ask Bogeun if you need some proof.” I said absentmindedly as I set the bowls and glasses on the tray. “Pilkyo, can we eat near the window?” You sent me resentful glare when once again I ignored your scolding.

“If you want second helping, just let me know. I cooked a lot of this.” I said to you when I helped you sit on the chair the window. You nodded and were still breathless – walking without crutches could be very tiring. 

“May I open the window?”

“Why? It’ll be freezing.”

“Just a little, please. I want to feel the breeze.” Because you were too stingy, Jung Pilkyo, you never turn on the air conditioner outside your bedroom. You snorted but then nodded approvingly.

During our midnight supper, we only exchanged little conversations. We were tired and a bit sleepy. You looked out the window and smiled lightly from time to time. Seeing the contentment on your face, I was the happiest man that ever lived in this world.

“Junghyuk?” You broke the silence and still gazed outside the window.

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.” You murmured as you turned your head to see me.

“What for? The soup? It was barely anything.”

“For staying.” You hesitated for a second. “But what can we do?”

I found myself stopped moving before suggested. “Can we try to let it go?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you love me?” Your answer would take me anywhere. Because if you say that you still love me, then I wouldn’t be afraid anymore.

I thought you would stay silent or hesitated, but no, you didn’t do any of that. Instead, you firmly said, “Yes.”

For a moment I was struck in awe, before I could gather myself again. “And I love you too, Pilkyo. We’ve come to different places and through many years, but I still love you and still want you. Can we try to let it go? All the fear and what if? Because if we don't try than we'll never know what may happen to us.” We ever tried to stop this feeling and failed miserably. For me, stop loving you was not the answer.

“Are you sure?”

“I promise I will try to break through but you know that it's up to you. If you say yes, then I’m ready for war. If you say no, just keep in your mind that I’ll follow you until you say yes.” If you don’t know, I am a fighter. I don’t quit easily. All you need to do is staying with me.

You hiccupped when you chuckled between your forming tears.

“It's time to make a stand. Maybe it won't last, Pilkyo-ah. But we should take this chance.” And then I would show you how to make this last.

“Junghyuk, I’m still afraid.”

“To fear is one thing. But to let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another. Just let me try with you, Pilkyo.”

You sniffed and your lips were trembled. I knew there was a huge battle inside your head.

“I will try to break through but you know that it's up to you.” I said my last effort to convince you.

Because you were the reason why love was worth to fight.

“Pilkyo-ah, what your answer would be?”