CHAPTER 3
Dissonance

“Music takes us out of the actual and whispers to us dim secrets that startle our wonder as to who we are, and for what, whence, and whereto.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

She hummed as she took the plates out of the dish rack. There was a spring in her steps as she approached the wooden table and set the plates above it. They matched the coasters, placemats and napkins and it greatly pleased her. They were a splash of color - green, red, yellow - on the pristine white table cloth. She stared longingly at the bowl of seaweed soup, daeji bossam, pa jeon and kimchi on the table, wanting to sample the all of them as their smell wafted in the air. It was dinner time and she hasn't eaten yet. She checked her watch. 

When will they arrive? She thought.

As her gaze wandered over the little feast, she realized that something was missing. 

Of course! How could she forget? The spoons and knives! 

Already feeling foolish, she hurried towards the varnished drawers to the ones that had them. She pulled at it and slid her hands in to get three sets. 

"Ow." She exclaimed out loud as she withdrew her hand from the drawer. She stared at the faint cut in her finger. Damn, she was so clumsy. She shook her head, got the utensils and went back to the table. It was then that she noticed that she had put only two plates. 

That was strange. She could have sworn she got three.

Shrugging, she went back to the dish rack only to find out the plates weren’t there. She searched the kitchen cabinets. There should be some in those, she thought. She opened one cabinet after the other but all she could find were rows and rows of glasses. The damn plates have disappeared!

She walked back to the table. She was certain she got three plates. 

Three plates for three people.

That's right. One for her, one for her dad, and one for... 

Her heart began to race until it felt like it would go out of her chest. Her knees buckled, weakened by the next thought. She leaned on the table for support. Her hands clutched the table cloth as she tried to regain her composure. She sat down and glanced at the steaming food before her. Its smell whetted her appetite earlier, but now their cloying smell made her sick. She let go of the cloth and noticed red stains in the area she touched. 

She looked at her finger. The cut gaped open and blood was gushing out. She felt numb. She couldn't move. She could only watch and remember.

Blood. There was so much blood. 

Blood flowing to the tiles. Blood in pajamas. Blood from her.

Suddenly, she heard a low sound. Someone was humming. The humming grew louder and louder until it became a voice of a person singing. 

Her head throbbed and the room began to spin. She felt the ground shaking. But the singing didn't stop.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. 
Happy birthday, happy birthday...

“Miss, are you ok?”

Chaerin’s eyes snapped open. She blinked back to clear her vision, eyes getting accustomed to the lights. The sound of the subway train’s engine mixed with the low murmurs around her. As she straightened from her seat, she took in the sight of people sitting across her. On one side of the long gray bench, there was a middle aged man who was busy watching something from his phone with its antenna sticking out and a teenage girl sat near him bobbing her head with earphones covering both her ears. A couple of ahjummas were chatting discreetly on the other side with their shopping bags sitting daintily on their feet. There weren’t much people inside her part of the train and most of them were just staring blankly ahead. She looked at her watch. It was an hour before midnight. She breathed deeply, relieved that it was all just a dream. She was glad she didn’t do anything that embarrassing in public. 

“Hey, miss.” A guy at her side was looking concernedly at her. It was only then that she remembered what, no, whose touch woke her up. She glanced at him curiously. The guy was wearing thick frames that seemed disproportionate with his small face and wearing a dress shirt with jeans. He looked around her age, if only a little older.

“I, I’m alright,” she answered back sheepishly. 

“Oh, that’s good then. You were groaning in your sleep.” He informed her. 

“I’m sorry for disturbing you. “ She looked down and arranged her bangs, embarrassed.

“Nah, it’s alright. So, bad dream huh?”

Uncomfortable with having a conversation with a stranger, she didn’t answer, waiting for him to take the hint. 

“So, uh, you seem familiar. Have we met?” Chaerin would have seen that as a piss poor attempt for a pickup line but something about him and his voice were familiar. She couldn’t place where she’d seen him. At school maybe? She was mulling on whether to take the bait but then, her stop was suddenly announced. 

“No, I don’t think so.” She sounded like an ungrateful even to her own ears but she stood up and hurried towards the exit, not bothering to look back at him. She wanted to be home before midnight.

 
Later, she’ll regret saying those words. In hindsight, she would think that maybe she should have been a bit nicer. It would have made things easier for the next few days. Too bad she didn’t hear the words he uttered just as the door closed behind her. A few seconds after she stepped out of the train, the guy took off his glasses, smirked and said “Lee Chaerin, we meet again.”

----

Chaerin was exhausted. She was so tired that she dragged her feet from the elevator door. She just wanted to crawl to her bed and sleep. Her feet ached from standing all night and her arms hurt from waiting on the tables in the restaurant. Though it was always busy there during the weekends but today it seemed that everyone wanted to eat in it. The place was packed not only with their patrons but also with a lot of new faces. Ever since the ownership changed a month ago, the restaurant’s clientele seemed to have expanded. Now, there were a lot of celebrities that went in and out of the doors of Nalgae, something her co-workers were happy about. The high profile clients drew more people in. Some wanted to go celebrity sighting; the others just curious to see why the restaurant was so popular. But for Chaerin who barely had time to watch television, she could really care less about who they were. All she cared about was that her paycheck doubled; apparently to secure discretion about what she might hear when she was waiting tables. The new owner was definitely loaded and generous with his money. That was what mattered. 

She felt like she was sleep walking through the hall going to her apartment door. Her feet were already killing her and she can’t wait to prop them up in her bed. For once, she was glad it was a weekday tomorrow instead of a Sunday. At least in class, she can just sit and zone out and not get yelled at by a nasty tempered manager. Her part time job on weekdays was also more tolerable. It was easier to tutor a kid than deal with those snobbish customers and their primadonna ways. When she was finally at her doorstep, she noticed a bunch of discarded boxes of appliances at the room across hers. It looked like they’ll finally have a new neighbor. She hoped they took those things downstairs and disposes of them soon. She hated any kind of mess but she didn’t want to cause trouble to the new people who’ll live across them.  Not this soon anyway. She yawned as she took out her key and soon, she was inside her apartment. Ah, home sweet home.

She opened the lights and took off her heels. Not wanting to wake her roommates up, she tiptoed into their living room. Suddenly feeling parched, she headed over the kitchen to get some iced water. She was greeted by a huge bowl in the middle of their kitchen table together with a cake, balloons, three gifts and a package inside a box. She glanced over the fridge and saw a note sticking out with her roommate’s quirky handwriting. It read:

Chaerin! If you’re reading this, it means we fell asleep. So sorry! We were supposed to give you a surprise party but we remembered you saying you hated surprises and parties! So, we just made and bought these for you. We hope you can get back before the cake’s all melted. Just heat the seaweed soup! Happy 20th! ~ Love, Dara, Bom and Minji. 

She smiled at their efforts. She was lucky to have met her three roommates at the time that she did, Dara most especially. They were friendly and they didn’t ask too many questions when she first moved in with them. Not everyone would have been as trusting. In the five years that they’ve stayed together, they haven’t once asked for information she wasn’t willing to share.

She looked at the gifts. Based on the colors, she could already guess which one gave each. She’ll unwrap those tomorrow. Then, she looked at the plain box. She wondered where it came from. All three of her roommates’ gifts were accounted for. She examined it but there was no indication where it came from so she unsealed it. 

She gasped as she saw its contents. Inside are things she'd been longing for but knew she couldn't ever have. Not with how her life has gone, not after everything that's happened. The box contained a music player, several music cds and dvds of concerts of artists she liked since childhood. A simple greeting in Japanese was written in a note that accompanied it: Happy Birthday, Sky. 

It couldn’t be. Not after all these years. She’d given up hoping. But now all the hope she’d try to bury came back full force. If she was sleepy and tired earlier, that feeling was gone now as she raced outside her apartment to the elevator. Both of the elevators were going down. She couldn’t waste her time here. She was only on the 5th floor so she found the stairs and took two steps down at a time. 

She was sweaty and out of breath when she finally arrived downstairs and hurried outside the apartment complex. The darkness engulfed her as she stood outside trying to fathom which way to go search for the person who sent her the box. She stood there for quite some time until she finally felt the chill and realized how stupid she was for going out like that. That box could have been left hours ago. She should have asked her roommates. She was calling herself a thousand kinds of fool as she walked back to the apartment. Head hung down and a little depressed at the realization, she didn’t notice the group of guys entering the apartment right after her. They bumped at her in their hurry to go inside. 

“Hey! Watch where you’re going!” She cried out as she almost lost her balance.

Only one of them looked back. The man who did was handsome with his brown hair trimmed just above his ears. He was wearing a gray hoodie with a white wife beater underneath and a pair of dark blue shorts. He said, “Oh, I’m-“ He stopped mid-sentence and shook his head as if he couldn’t quite believe what he saw. He took her aback with his next words.

“Little Chaerin. You certainly grew up.” He said as he approached her.

What was he talking about? Did she know him? This day was getting stranger. Random people were suddenly talking to her, Chaerin thought.

“You know me. And yes kid, it may have been years since I last saw you but that face of yours is still as transparent as ever.”

He was smiling now, amused by her panicked look. She stared at the man in front of her. Just like that guy in the subway earlier, something about him was familiar. She’s definitely heard that voice before.

“Ah, you’ve really forgotten me. And I thought my charming self quite an impression back in the days. I guess that was presumptive of me. Name Taebin ring any bells?”

“The blonde guy!” Chaerin blurted out before she could stop herself. If Taebin was here ... Her heart skipped a beat as she realized what that meant. She looked beyond him to the two other guys who were walking towards the elevator. 

Taebin laughed out loud and said, “Well not so blonde or anymore.” His laughter got the attention of the two other guys who looked back at them at same time. One had an expression of surprise which quickly shifted to dread as he glanced nervously at the other. It was as if he was afraid of what the latter might do. She didn’t blame him because the other’s face was etched with hostility. His eyes almost burnt a whole in her with its intensity. His stare scared her and he knew it. She swallowed and tried not to squirm under his scrutiny. She couldn’t look at him without thinking of how he was when he they last saw each other, how angry and vulnerable he was. She knew she was the last person he wanted to see. She squared her shoulders. Well, she didn’t want to see him either. He was also a painful reminder of things she wanted to forget.
 

Taebin looked at the direction she was looking and said, “You remember Jinhwan and Teddy .Come on, let’s greet them.”  He took her wrist and half-dragged her to the two. If this was any other guy, she would have snatched her wrist away so fast and gave him her usual hands off policy. No one touches her. Perhaps it was a combination of history and surprise, but she allowed him to lead her over to Jinhwan and Teddy’s side and said “Uh, yeah,I remember.”

“Hi. Uh, good to… see you again” That was Jinhwan who she almost didn’t recognize without his cornrows and piercing. His hair was cropped short like he had been in the military. His face got thinner but it was him with that unmistakable mole on his right cheek. She just stared at him, uncertain on what to say to him.

“Well, our beer’s getting warm. Let’s not stand here and waste time. Let’s get reacquainted while we go up.” Taebin suggested, only then picking up on the awkwardness of the situation.

They all walked towards the elevator.The three of them stood there, waiting for the elevator to open. As soon as it did, she jumped inside and situated herself at the left corner near the elevator buttons. This way, she need not look at anyone. Her hands were clammy and shaky as she pressed the 5th button.

“So, you live here?” asked Taebin who was trying to diffuse tension among the three other occupants of the elevator. Jinhwan kept tapping his foot against the elevator floor and Chaerin was combing her fringe with her fingers. Teddy ‘s face was inscrutable but she saw that his jaw was clenched tightly when she glanced at his reflection in the elevator doors.

“Yes.”

“You’re what now, twenty, twenty one? An adult. I feel old.”

“Twenty. You were already old when I met you.” 

“I see your sense of humor still haven’t changed.” Taebin’s low laughter reverberated in the enclosed space. She breathed a sigh of relief as the elevator opened putting an end to the stilted conversation.

“Look uh, it’s been nice chatting with you. But I’ll go ahead?”

It was only Taebin who answered. “Sure. Go on right ahead.”

She walked down the hallway and saw that they stepped out of it as well. And they were currently going in her direction! Are they following her?

Oh no don’t tell me –

When she arrived at her doorstep, she heard Taebin call out and say, “See you around.” Taebin’s cheerful teasing grated at her as she realized that they were her new neighbors. Taebin opened the door of their apartment and stepped inside, leaving Jinhwan and Teddy in the hallway with her. 

“Well..this is awkward. But, it’s really nice seeing you again. You’ve grown up a lot. The last time I saw you, you were still in middle school and your sister -” Jinhwan spoke after a while.

“Please, Jinhwan, don’t bring her up.” 

“Yes, of course.” He cleared his throat, running out of things to say. “Uh, I guess I should leave the two of you alone to..talk. T, I won’t lock the door.”

Chaerin almost called Jinhwan when he left them. 

“So, um, how have you been?” She finally had the courage to look at Teddy. His face hasn’t changed much over the years. The only noticeable change in him was a little scar above his mouth. Was this a souvenir from last time?

“Hn,”he grunted, staring blankly above her head.

“I see. Still a man of few words. Nice suit. Finally retired those hoodies of yours, huh?“ Chaerin was surprised that her voice didn’t crack or that she could even sound so casual. She sighed after a moment of silence. She didn’t really expect him to say anything, so she turned her back and opened her apartment door.

“For the day.”

He didn’t sound angry. She wondered if she just imagined that contemptuous look earlier. She gathered her courage, faced him and asked the question she’d been dying to ask since she saw him earlier.  “Is unni-“

“Don’t.” He looked at her now, eyes suddenly feral. That made Chaerin step back.

“I meant what I said back then. Don’t tell Taebin or anyone about it. I forbid you to so much breathe a word of it.” Teddy’s words sent a chill down her spine.

“Look, I didn’t mean to see what I did. I was a child. It was six years ago. Only Jinhwan knows what happened and that was coz he was with me, no one else knows what she did,”she rambled on, knowing she didn’t make sense.

“Stop.”

She shut .

“Stay away from them.”

Chaerin just nodded, unable to do anything else.

“Good.” He seemed satisfied about her answer and relaxed.

She turned back to her door, and was about to go inside. But she heard him call out, “Chaerin.”

She looked back at him and tried to explain once again, “Look, um, I won’t be talking much with your friends anyway since I’m too busy and-”

“Happy Birthday. And don’t make a habit of going out barefoot.”

She glanced at her feet. In her haste to go after the person who gave her the gift, she forgot to put on even a pair of slippers. She was about to thank him for the concern but Teddy had already gone inside his apartment and slammed his door shut.

She stepped inside her apartment for the second time that night. Dara was soundly sleeping with one of those face masks she loved and her night light still on. Her legs were rubbery. Whether from exhaustion or from the  stress earlier, she didn't know. She climbed on top of her bed, not even bothering to wash her face and take off what little makeup on that she had. She stared at the ceiling as she went over the day’s happenings.

The guy in the subway, the package delivery, Taebin, Jinhwan and finally, Teddy. With all of these happening all at once, only one conclusion came to mind:

You can’t escape the past. It will always haunt you.

Chaerin closed her eyes giving in to the exhaustion. 

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.