“Jessica,” Taeyeon says hesitantly at dance practice the next day. She expects Jessica to ignore her, or glare at her, or maybe say something scathing, but Jessica meets her eyes evenly and replies, “Taeyeon”, cool and polite.

“How…are you doing?”

She shrugs. “I’m fine. And you?”

“I’m sorry.”

Jessica doesn’t even bat an eye. “For what?”

“For what I said earlier. For ignoring you for so long. For being petty and jealous and awful.” Taeyeon takes a deep breath, knowing that just verbally apologizing can’t come close to making up for what she said, but she has to tell Jessica at the very least. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Some people just aren’t compatible, just don’t get along. You don’t have to apologize for that.”

Jessica’s eyes are like mirrors; Taeyeon can see herself in them, exactly as she is, flaws not concealed or magnified, but she can’t see into Jessica at all.

“And as for being jealous—well, I’m flattered, but I don’t think you have anything to be jealous of. Anything I have, you have twofold.” Jessica isn’t bitter or derisive about it; in fact, she’s very calm and matter-of-fact, and it just makes Taeyeon feel worse than ever.

“Okay, come on,” Jaewon calls. “Let’s start for the day.”

“You heard oppa, Taeyeon,” Jessica says. “We’d better get ready.”

Taeyeon nods, feeling numb, and Jessica doesn’t spare her another glance as she gets into position, rolling her shoulders back and stretching her neck.

“Taeyeon?” Jaewon asks. “Is something wrong?”

Everyone looks at her. Tiffany’s forehead furrows, Sunkyu widens her eyes, Yuri looks grave. Jessica glances at her for a second and then looks away like there’s nothing interesting to hold her attention.

“N-no.” Taeyeon clears . “I mean, there’s nothing wrong, oppa. I just spaced out for a bit. Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he says affably. “Just don’t do it again. I know you girls have long days, but this is very important, okay?”

“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“I’ve never had a reason to doubt you, Taeyeon.”

He smiles, and she tries to smile back, but she thinks she fails pretty miserably. Here is another person who has a misconception of her, who puts faith into her that she doesn’t deserve.

She doesn’t understand why they think that she’ll never let them down when she’s already done it so many times.

“Okay, I’m going to divide you into groups of three to better perfect your technique. Hyoyeon, help Tiffany and Sunkyu; they missed a practice last time and need to catch up fast. Yoona, Sooyoung, Juhyun, you three have pretty much got it down. I’ll help you with some little things. Yuri, Taeyeon and Jessica keep struggling with the last part. Do your best to help them.”

Of course, Taeyeon thinks. Of course she would be paired with Jessica.

“Stop shaking your hips so exaggeratedly at the end,” Jessica whispers to Yuri. “You’re going to pop something like that.”

“Oh please, I’m not old like you.”

“We’re the same age.”

“Not at heart.” Yuri winks, and then she takes Jessica’s wrist and starts pulling her to the corner of the room. “You coming, Taengoo?”

“Yeah.” Taeyeon swallows, watching the easy interaction between Jessica and Yuri, who are bickering like children but with affection clear in their interaction. “I’ll be right there.”

“Now…” Yuri looks sternly between the two main vocalists. “You two are going to behave, right? Don’t make me give you a time-out.”

“Why wouldn’t we behave?” Jessica asks coolly. “There’s nothing going on between me and Taeyeon. Nothing at all.”

Taeyeon doesn’t need to be great at picking up cues to read the double entendre there. Indeed, there isn’t anything going on between them anymore. Nothing except a professional relationship as co-workers and colleagues. Not friends.

“Didn’t you apologize?” Yuri asks her.

“She apologized, but I’m not sure for what,” Jessica says. “She didn’t do anything except tell me her true feelings about me, and that’s not a crime.”

“Those weren’t her true feelings,” Yuri starts, but Jessica cuts her off with a look.

“I always have trouble with the spin for some reason. Can you help me with that?”

“Jessica,” Yuri tries again, with a note of desperation this time.

“What is it?”

“Can you hear Taeyeon out? Just hear her out?”

“I already did.” Jessica turns to Taeyeon, her eyes cool and dark and unreadable. “You already told me what you had to say, both times, and I listened to you, both times. What else do you want?”

For you to forgive me, Taeyeon thinks, but she knows that it’s more of a wish than a want, and wishes don’t come true so easily.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”

“Tell me something, Taeyeon, and be honest.”

Taeyeon nods. She has no intentions of lying to Jessica again.

“Tell me you didn’t mean to hurt me. Tell me that wasn’t your intention at all, and I’ll see if I can forgive you.”

She could tell Jessica that, she could lie – she’s good at that, after all. She could make Jessica believe her, and Jessica would forgive her, because Jessica doesn’t forget but she forgives.

And she’s tempted to do that, she really is. But she promised Jessica she wouldn’t lie, and she isn’t going to go back on her word now.

“I can’t tell you that,” Taeyeon says softly, and she sees something shutter in Jessica’s eyes, close off probably permanently.

Jessica nods. “Then that’s all there is to it.”

Taeyeon can press further, but she thinks that Jessica’s eyes are a little brighter than usual. It’s not due to the lighting, and it’s certainly not due to happiness, and that (wet) shimmer in her eyes makes Taeyeon keep closed.

She’s done enough damage.

“Come on, girls.” Jaewon clucks his tongue. “Are you practicing or doing a Gossip Girl rendition?”

“I’m sorry, oppa,” Jessica says quietly. “We got…sidetracked. It won’t happen again.”

There’s a note of finality in her voice that tells Taeyeon a conversation like this wouldn’t happen again. Maybe a conversation between them – any conversation that consists of more than perfunctory questions and clipped replies – wouldn’t happen again.

This is the end, Taeyeon realizes. This is the end, and they haven’t even had a real beginning.

Something in Jessica’s face seems to tell Jaewon not to ask any more questions, because he turns to Yuri and tells her specifically which parts in the dance need the most work. Yuri listens attentively, although her eyes flicker to Jessica and Taeyeon once in a while.

Taeyeon tries to lose herself in dancing, in the familiar burn of her muscles and the sweat drenching her clothes, but it doesn’t help much. She can’t immerse herself fully in it, and she can tell how Jaewon looks at her with disappointment.

She should just get used to that look, because it’s what people should be looking at her with anyway. She’s just a disappointment at the end of the day.

It’s about time everyone sees it, but it still hurts her, because she wants to be better for them. She wants to be who they think she is, even though that person is slipping further and further away from her by the second.