It was six years ago that I met her, she was in my class, an exchange student to be particular. She had a short hair and a boyish charm, she was different from everyone in my class or the people I know. She walks up in front of the class and introduces herself, that was the first time I met her, Amber Liu, the girl I love. We became close to each other, I had the advantage of fluency in English and helped her with her Korean, oddly enough, it was how we both fell for each other.

Slowly within a year of her exchange, we became official but not to others. It was our own secret relationship. After a year she had to fly back to America, visa reasons, despite the distance we kept our relationship and contact. She visited once again and said it was for family reasons and misses her cousins, she said as a reason to her parents. We spent five months together in each others arm and I’ve met her cousins. In the holidays my family decided to fly to america and I met her again for two weeks.

Our relationship went on like this until the third year of knowing her, thats when she was diagnosed with a brain tumour. She needed a surgery but she only had a ten percent chance of surviving. I begged my parents to let me go and be with her but as usual they didn’t agree about it, fortunately Jessica had my back. I skipped school for a year to spend it with her and told SM to give a reason to the public why I couldn’t join my group mates, that was when they released the news about my accident. I knew it was selfish but I wanted to be with her every step of the way.

Donghae called me to come quickly as her memory loss begun, but kept a notebook near her. Her memory was slowly deteriorating. Her short term memory was not that well anymore as before, she was found by Yixing in a cafe or in the streets wandering around, the three would take turns in watching her. She was stubborn, god she was, cause she was scared. I keep telling myself that as I bring her to the hospital for check ups and she would find ways to change our route as she could skip it. The doctor had told her that even with the surgery she would lose thirty percent of her memory, she would have to relearn and that includes our memories together.

I cried when she woke up one day without recognizing me and later on she would remember some events that we did together.

“Do I know you?”

“Are you my cousin’s girlfriend?”

She asked me I tried to hold back my tears and told her I was hers. She would reply back with

“How could I be so lucky? ahaha if my cousin hear this he would get mad” she warns before walking away

I became frustrated as it continued, her cousins would comfort me. As they see me chasing for that memory she had lost. She would come back to her normal self sometimes I think it was twice, she would suddenly hug me and whisper to my ear

“I love you. I love you so much and I’m sorry if one day I couldn’t remember”

I was in her arms and her love once again but it was a rollercoaster ride and I had to let go for her to finally let go. It was for her own good.

That’s when I decided to go on a trip to europe with her a final memory that she could remember. I left note to her to remember about the trip because I had to go back to Seoul and arrange everything. It was then I finally decided, to let her go.

I was watching her from afar, I watched her relearn things from afar. Jonghyun would tell me to go inside her room and maybe she could recognize me as she did with the others but no. It wasn’t in my case cause I was included in that thirty percent of her memory.  

I watched her rise, I would hear her sing in her concerts. The first one, she dedicated songs, to the stranger she met in Europe

I need your love. I need your time. When everything's wrong, you make it right. I feel so high. I come alive. I need to be free with you tonight, I need your love. I need your love.

I take a deep breath every time I pass your door. I know you're there but I can't see you anymore. And that's the reason, you're in the dark. I've been a stranger ever since we fell apart. And I feel so helpless here. Watch my eyes are filled with fear. Tell me, do you feel the same? Hold me in your arms again.

Am I dreaming, will I ever find you now? I walk in circles but I'll never figure out. What I mean to you, do I belong? I try to fight this, but I know I'm not that strong. And I feel so helpless here. Watch my eyes are filled with fear. Tell me, do you feel the same? Hold me in your arms again.

All the years, all the times, you have never been to blame and now my eyes are open.

And now heart is closing. And all the tears, all the lies, all the ways, I've been trying to make a change. And now my eyes are open.

I knew she was looking for me, I would receive calls from her manager or cousins. But I can’t, I don’t know where to fit in her life anymore.

I miss her, I would stop eating food and wear her jacket, that black jacket she used to wear so much, it was my addiction, it smelled like her. Everyone around me would get frustrated and I’m sorry for being weak. But I myself know that I had to move on if I had no plans in going back to her and I’ve heard some news that she had moved on and seeing other people, good for her.

Months after I saw her once again.