March 2009

“Hey, don’t be so nervous. It’s okay.” I said to the jittery Park Bom.

We’re on set for the shooting of “Lollipop” and it’s a collaboration between Big Bang and the about-to-debut 2NE1. She was a nervous wreck, albeit much more calm than four years ago. She was leaning against the wall, eyes closed and breathing deeply. At the sound of my voice, she opened her eyes and looked at me. Her eyes were lined with eyeliner and coated with shimmery eyeshadow and I couldn’t look into those windows and see her anymore. The Park Bom I loved.

“Thanks TOP sunbaenim” replied Bom. She flashed me a huge smile, one that made her eyes smile along with .

It pained me to hear her call me TOP and it hurt me even more she called me “TOP sunbaenim”. I wished she could remember me, I wished everything that happened was a part of her memories. But then I saw her carefree smile. A smile free of the darkness from the past and eyes that showed happiness instead of vulnerability. Then I remembered why we all decided to leave her missing memories missing.

“No problem, Park Bom-sshi.”

It pains me to call her Park Bom-sshi and not noona, or baby alien…

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August 2007

There are so many things going on, and so many broadcasts to record and I’m nervous as heck. I needed more solo practice so I’m in the practice room practicing the dance for Lies. I looked up at the clock on the wall and it’s already 5am.

I might as well just sleep in the practice room since our group practice is at 7am. I turned the lights off and I laid down on the floor. It’s not too bad, at least I don’t have to hear the maknae talk in his sleep.

When my eyes were finally closed and I was just about to drift asleep, I heard sounds of heels walking outside. Heels? No one in YG wears heels. Not even when Taeyang, Jiyong and I dressed up as girls, but that’s a different story…

So curiosity got the best of me and I looked outside and all I saw was Bom with heels on walking in the hallway. Actually, walking wasn’t quite the right word. I would say it was more of a wobble than a walk. As she walked down the hall with her back facing me, all I could do was smile. How did I let a friendship with such an amazing girl just fade away? I walked towards her and just as I was about three feet away, I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle as I saw her struggle in her five-inch heels.

The chuckle must have startled her, because next thing you know, a big bunch of long black hair was in my face as Bom turned around.

“Taabi--” she tries to say before she stumbles from the momentum of the turn. She fell into my arms as I caught her before she hit the marble floor. But after practicing for what felt like forever and doing recordings without sleeping for days, I didn’t have the strength to keep both her and me up, so I fell over and she landed on top of me as I hit the cold, hard marble.

“, did I put that much weight on?” Bom asked me as she looks up at me. Her head is rested on my chest and when she looks at me with those big, warm coffee-brown eyes. And I saw it. I finally understood why she couldn’t look people in the eye. If she did, they would see exactly what I saw. Fear.

She looked away from my gaze but we stayed lying in the middle of the hallways, her on my chest, me on the floor.

“Noona, tell me. What’s wrong?” I asked, knowing there must be something wrong, because even for someone as crazy as Bom, they don't walk around the halls at work in heels at 5am.

“I’m worried I’ll never debut. And I’m worried, even if I do, I won’t be strong enough to handle it.” she whispered. “Chaerin and Minji…they’re so talented and confident and strong and … I just don’t think I will ever stand a chance to debut if they’re still here as trainees…”

I wrapped my arms around her and sat up, pushing Bom up with me. My heart sunk after hearing what she said. She used to be so full of hope, but now, her voice resonated with despair. She still had her head down and with my hand, I pull her chin up and look at her, but before I can say anything she started to talk.

“I know what you’re going to say Tabi. But who is going to want to watch a girl in long sleeves and long pants not be able to dance on stage? Huh? Don’t lie, I know you wouldn’t.”

“Pabo! Of course I wouldn’t. However, I would love to listen to a beautiful woman who doesn’t need to wear heels, or skimpy clothes to stand out sing on stage. A woman who is beautiful inside and out and works hard for her dreams. Pabo, you’re going to debut, and when you do, you will wow the industry. You will tell all those people that hurt you in the past that they missed out on a perfect chance to produce songs for a divine voice. Pabo. You can’t think like that okay? You will debut, I promise.”

I wipe her tears off with the back of my hand as I smile at her. “Pabo, don’t cry anymore. You will worry alien-Tabi okay?”

She takes one last breath, swallows it and nods. We return to the practice room and sat on the benches and caught up with each other for the remainder of the night ... aka the only sleeping time I will have this week.

When I woke up, Bom was already gone and the sun was already up. I found a post it on my thigh and it read:

Alien, thank you for last night. It’s like you were never gone for that many months, thanks bestie. Sorry I left without waking you up, I know how exhausted you must be. Hwaiting! - Bom^^

I smiled and stuffed the post-it into my pocket and pulled my phone out to send her a message.

I’m not an alien! - Tabi

Before I could put my phone back into my pocket though, she had already replied.

You said so yourself last night! Don’t lie Tabi-ah! It’s not very attractive! - Bom

I didn’t have time to reply, because my members walked in for group practice shortly after I read the message.

“OMO HYUNG! Is this a new way of promoting us? The Seunghyun pandas? Why are your circles so dark today? Did you think I was haaaandsome with the panda eyes and you want to copy me? ” asked the maknae with too much excitement for this time of the day.

I didn’t have the energy to explain so I just told him the short version of the story: I slept very little and a slap to the maknae’s head to shut him up.