---> Listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Idl5-ibQRrY

 

'How did it come to this?'

I don't know. That's just it. I just don't know what went wrong. I knew this would happen. I just knew. Why did it have to be like this? What did I do to deserve all of this? So many questions were ringing in my mind, making my head hurt even more. None of the questions had the answer that I wanted. My already confused mind couldn't think clearly enough. Heck, I'm not sure it was even capable of thinking in a situation like this.

 

Out of all people, why us? Why them? Why him? Why me?! Anger was starting to get the best of me.

 

The apartment room felt cold in the dark night as the three of us, me, Doojoon and Gikwang were currently wrapped in an uncomfortable silence. Exchanging glances, two shocked and slightly guilty glances met my own hurt and betrayed ones. Seeing the sight in front of me, no words of explanation were needed anymore. Everything was as clear as glass. They had been caught red handed.

 

For just a few minutes ago, in front of me, my two very best friends were making out in this very room. If it was just a usual case, I would have been happy that my best friends were going out. But apparently, in a situation like this, my fiancé and best friend were making out with each other. Right at that moment I knew that our friendship was finally over. Nothing could possibly mend it. The only thing left was for me to end it. And with my messed up mind, I knew just how.

 

*Flashback*

 

Laughter rang in the air. Apparently it was a beautiful morning and the three of us decided that it would be a perfect to have a picnic at the beach. The sky was a bright light blue, the view of the wide sea in front of me was truly captivating. Spreading my arms wide with both eyes closed and a wide smile on my face, I just let myself get comforted by the light breeze and the soothing sound of waves clashing against the shore. A few seconds passed by just like that, until a shout broke me from my dazed state.

 

"Seob-ah! Enough daydreaming or whatever that you're doing and come here! The foods have been set up already!"

 

Smiling even wider to my best friend's call, I turned around and immediately started running towards him and my other best friend. When I got there, the first thing I said was; "Yeah, yeah. I'm already here, Kiki eomma." "Eomma my . Stop being cheeky or else me and Doojoon are gonna finish all this food before you even get the chance to fill your plate." "Then you guys will be eating so much!", I remarked. A smile broke on Gikwang's face. "Anything just to annoy you. Plus, it'll be more for us. Right, Joonie?", he said to the approaching Doojoon.

 

"Right!" "See, he agrees with me." Gikwang childishly stuck his tongue out at me while I did the same to him. "Psh... You guys are so childish. What were you talking about anyway? I just agreed to whatever Kiki said." Me and Gikwang stopped our childish act and started giggling. "But you love us being childish!", we said in unison to Doojoon and burst out laughing. Smiling, he replied " Yeah, yeah. Now tell me." After having about enough of laughing, we started telling him the whole story.

 

You see, me, Doojoon and Gikwang have been friends for a long time now. The three of us met on the first day of high school as we sat close to each other. We immediately took a liking for each other and have been inseparable since then. Currently we just graduated high school and it was our summer break.

 

After eating, we decided to play by the sea after a half hour break. None of us went in the water though. No one brought spare clothes. We splashed each other, joked some more and chased around until we got tired. We were having the time of our lives. It had been a while since we've had so much fun. For the past few months, we had been studying our asses off for the final exams. After that we got busy with end of the year activities and stuff. So the much needed break was nice.

 

Before the Sun rose high in the afternoon, we took a picture of us with my camera right before packing our stuffs to get ready to leave.

 

**********

 

"So how's life?", asked Doojoon who was perched on top of the chair opposite from us.

 

"Fine. Kinda boring actually. You know, without you guys around anymore." Then Gikwang and Doojoon both looked at me, waiting for my answer. However, I was too busy in my thoughts to pay attention to whatever they were talking about. "Seob!" A rough nudge on my shoulder brought me back to reality.

 

"Huh? What?", I asked surprised. They both just sighed and Doojoon r​epeated his question once more. I answered with a simple 'fine' and that was it. We rarely met up with each other these days. We're all too busy with university. Apparently it was our 1st year and we chose to study at the same university. Though the three of us took different courses, so our schedules always clash.

 

The three of us then started to chit chat. I really didn't talk much. Half of the time my mind wasn't even there. I was busy thinking about me and Gikwang's conversation during our walk to the usual cafe to meet up with Doojoon.

 

"Gikwang, do you remember when I told you about the person that I liked? The one who I started liking just a few months ago?", I looked straight into Gikwang's eyes. A serious expression was evident on my face. But only I know that on the inside, I was nervous as hell. Anyone who touched my chest could tell that my heart was beating faster than an F1 racing car.

 

'Gikwang blinked several times before finally getting to my point. Then he showed an encouraging smile. "Yeah. You're ready?" I hesitated for bit. I nodded my head. "Who is it?" For a moment I was having a debate with myself in my mind and just stared blankly at my best friend. 'Tell or not?' Still, the debate went on for a couple of seconds.

 

Eventually the 'tell' part won. "It's... It's..." I couldn't bring myself to tell him . I kept stuttering on my words and was I slightly shaking? I don't know. Gikwang waited patiently for my answer. "Huh... Maybe I'm not ready after all. I'll tell you some other time. When I'm ready." I hated myself for disappointing him like this.

 

He nodded understandingly and started walking away. I was left staring at the ground while scolding myself mentally. The debate started again and the 'tell' part won again. I was left with no choice. 'If I'm not gonna tell him now, when will I ever get the courage like this again to finally tell him?' My decision was made . I started running after Gikwang and yanked his wrist. His body spun around, facing me.

 

"Wait, I'll tell you now. It's someone you know. He's the same age as us. He's been friends with us for as long as I can remember. He was in the same class as us in high school and he's always making lame jokes that people don't laugh at." Nervousness took over me again when Gikwang's smile disappeared and was replaced by a shocked look. His eyes were widened and we both know that he knew the answer. I don't know why but when I looked closely at his eyes, I saw disappointment. His shocked expression was different too. It was as if he was shocked in a bad way. But the expression in his eyes disappeared as quickly as it came. 

 

Gikwang froze for a moment. Until he finally said, "Is it Doojoon?" My nervousness immediately vanished as he said that. I knew that it was over at last. "Yes." 

 

Silence. The atmosphere between us after that was silence. Uncomfortable silence. I was beginning to doubt Gikwang. I couldn't help but remember the disappointment in his eyes earlier. Was that just my imagination? 

 

I heard Gikwang clear his throat and said, "So are you going to confess?" "I don't know." He gave me another one of his encouraging smiles. This time, it was slightly warmer. "You should tell him later. After our meeting's over." "Really? Should I?" "Yeah. You can tell him after I leave. I can leave a little earlier if you want." A wide grin spread onto my face. "Are you really sure?" He replied with a nod. "Thanks. But what if I get rejected?" "Well at least you tried. Better that than nothing. If he truly does reject you, you won't have any regrets after that. Try first. And don't worry about ruining your friendship. You know that Joonie's not the type of guy who takes friendship lightly."

 

He's got a point there. All my fears and doubts were gone by his words. Just to make sure, I asked Gikwang an important question before closing the topic. My face becoming serious. "Hey, are you okay with this?" "Yep. Why wouldn't I be?" I received a puzzled look. "Just asking. Are you really okay?" "Yeah." "Really?" He sighed. "Yes. Now stop it." "Okay. But are you really really okay?" He nodded. "Seriously?" Another nod. "Are you really really really really really sure?" "Want a punch?" A fist in my face shut me up.

 

"Hehe... No thanks." I grabbed his fist and lowered it down. We both broke into a fit of giggles. ''So the disappointment I saw earlier was indeed my imagination.' Relief washed over me. I couldn't stand disappointing people. Especially my best friend. The both of us continued our walk to the cafe where we would be meeting our best friend. A.k.a. my crush.

 

"I'm going first, okay? I've got something to do. Bye Joonie, Seob." Gikwang's goodbye brought me back to reality. "Bye. Meet you later", Doojoon said and waved at him. He waved back. I mumbled a soft 'bye' before he started walking. He gave me a supportive smile and left. I replied back with a nervous smile.

 

I focused on Doojoon who was sipping at his drink. Words were jumbled up in my mind, trying to produce coherent sentences. I tried calming myself down and gathered my confidence and courage. 'I can do this! It's now or never!' These were my words of motivation. "Hey, Joonie. I have something important to tell you." He stopped drinking and looked at me. "What is it?" "You see, I hope that after this our friendship won't shatter." I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. He looked puzzled by my words. "I like- no. That's not it. I'm certain that I love you." His eyes widened at my words. I didn't stop there though.

 

"It all started a couple of months ago. Two months I think. I started feeling different towards you. Every time I'm near you, I would feel extremely nervous to the point of suffocating. My heart beats faster than usual and I also notice that I often think of you more than I should. Whatever I do, you're always in my mind, 24/7. No matter how I tried to forget, you would always come back. Ignoring my feelings hurt me more. A-A... At first I thought that this simple crush had become obsession. You can't imagine how scared I was if people were to find out. But eventually, I realised that I wasn't obsessed after all. It was love."

 

Doojoon looked so shocked. His eyes just went two times bigger than before. 'How was that even possible?' It remains a mystery for me. Before Doojoon could say anything after recovering from his shock, I cut him first. "Now that you know, I just want to say this. Please don't hate me. I don't want to risk our friendship. I can't help it. It's not like I can control my feelings. You don't have to accept my feelings. I'm perfectly fine as friends. I just wanted you to know, that's all." I lowered my head a bit but still maintaining eye contact with him.

 

"I'm truly sorry. You must be disgusted with me. I hope we can still remain as friends." Silence followed after that. I couldn't maintain eye contact with him. I kept fidgeting uncomfortably in my seat, waiting for the uncomfortable silence to be broken.

 

"You don't need to be sorry." The small voice of Doojoon caught my attention. I looked up and saw a small but warm smile on his face. I was surprised by his words and sincerity. His next words caught me off guard. "Thanks for loving me. I'm glad." My eyes widened. "Actually I feel the same way for you. It's been going on longer than you. 5 months ago to be exact." I felt happy and shy at the same time. My face suddenly felt hot.

 

"I didn't know. Sorry." "That's okay. It's not your fault. I was planning on keeping my feelings to myself. Until your confession happened. I'm too much of a coward. I didn't have the confidence. Thank you for confessing. Now I can love you all I want." A faint tint of pink appeared on my cheeks at the last sentence. "So... Since we both like each other, are we official now?" Doojoon had a shy smile on. My smile filled with warmth from the feelings in my heart, I said, "Yeah." Our smiles reflected each other's that evening.

 

'Thank you, Kiki. Thank you so much.'

 

**********

 

It's been 5 years since me and Doojoon became official. Just over a year ago was our; me, Doojoon and Gikwang's graduation day. Finally we were free from the restraints of studies. It was a very happy night that day. The graduation ceremony was in the morning, in the evening we celebrated with our close families and friends at the cafe that we've been going to since high school. At night the three of us had our own celebration. 

 

The three of us aren't really that close anymore. But we're still friends. Sure, me and Doojoon went out on dates a lot. We spent more time together than with Gikwang. He was perfectly fine with it. He understood, he said. And without realising, he was drifting further and further away from us. He mostly hangs out with his university friends for these past few years. At least I knew that he wasn't lonely.

 

"Hey, Seob." "Hmm?" I looked up from my comfortable position in the bed, snuggled up against Doojoon with his right arm acting as a pillow while his left arm played with my hair. "When I have enough we're gonna get married like I promise, kay?" I smiled hearing his words. He did promise me that. "Yeah. That sounds nice."

 

We both remained silent for the night, unable to sleep because we were too absorbed in our own thoughts. Our future to be exact. A few weeks after graduation day, Doojoon proposed to me one night at the usual cafe. It wasn't anything grand or extremely romantic and all that cheesy stuff. In fact it was simple yet perfect at the same time.

 

"Seob, you see, I've been meaning to ask you something for a while now." I stopped drinking and looked at him. "Hmm? What is it? And why the are you fidgeting so much? What are you so nervous of?" I raised an eyebrow upon seeing Doojoon's weird attitude. He started digging inside his pocket for something. Patiently I waited until a small velvet box was presented in front of me. In it was a simple yet beautiful silver ring that shone in the dim lighting. I looked up at Doojoon , mouth agape and shocked to the core.

 

"Seob-ah, okay, we've been dating for a while now and I'm very much certain that my feelings for you are real. I don't care if this is wrong because what we have isn't exactly normal. How can this this be wrong anyway? Cause hey, it's love. Since when is love ever wrong? Huh, I don't know why, irony cause happiness seems to be contained in this small box. My point is... are you willing enough to spend the rest of your life with me?"

 

My heart warmed up seeing his nervous smile, showing his line of adorable crooked teeth. I opened my mouth and said, "You know I'm more than willing enough to accept this proposal. Yeah, of course I'll spend the rest of my life with you." The wide smile forming on his face was enough to assure me that we would have a very happy future ahead.

 

We told Gikwang the day after that and he congratulated us. Then he left because he seemed to be in a hurry. He said that he had things to do at home. A few weeks after that, we got our own apartment and decided to stay engaged while saving some money for a proper wedding in a couple of years.

 

**********

 

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I'M SICK OF ALL THIS! YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING SO MUCH SINCE LAST MONTH UNTIL I FORGET THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU SOBER! AT FIRST I COULD ACCEPT ALL THIS CRAP. CAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRESSED WITH WORK. BUT NOW I'M NOT CONVINCED ANYMORE. EVERY TIME YOU COME HOME FROM WORK, YOU GO STRAIGHT TO THE BAR! EVERYDAY, I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR DRUNKEN SELF! WHAT THE IS HAPPENING TO YOU?! WHAT HAPPENED TO US?! DO YOU EVEN STILL LOVE ME?!"

 

Doojoon just stood silent in front of me, a guilty expression on his face as he just listened to me ing at him. He just got home from work. After changing his clothes, he rushed out of our room to leave. I assumed that he was doing his daily routine. Drinking to the point he has drunk his brains out.

 

Silence filled the atmosphere. A sad look was on my face as I calmed down a little. I patiently waited for an answer from the man in front of me. After what seemed like forever, he opened his mouth and mumbled something. The words that came out hit me hard. "I'm sorry." Then he left.

 

I was left there dumbfounded. I knew this would happen eventually. I just wasn't ready for it. I wasn't prepared. I didn't expect this day to come this fast. So what my friends have been saying all this time were true.

 

Because most of our friends don't know that me and Doojoon have a relationship, they spread rumours that they heard to me. I've heard that Doojoon's spending more time with our best friend, Gikwang. I've heard all sorts of things. Some even say that Doojoon likes him. I just stayed shut hearing these things, not wanting to get involved while ignoring the pain in my heart at every single sentence I hear.

 

Then I've also noticed that Doojoon became more distant from me. No more loving hugs and kisses. No more sweet words that would always warm my heart every time. No more time for me. Instead, he became colder. He keeps avoiding me. I could see constant guilt in his eyes. When I asked him about this, he only said he was tired. And promised that he would do better with an 'I love you' in the end. I believed him. No... more like I was too scared to admit the truth. I didn't want to believe those rumours.

 

Now I know that everything is coming to an end. This love is coming to an end. Unknowingly, tears start to fall from my eyes down to my cheeks.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

In a bar not far away from Dooseob's apartment, a man was seating alone, drinking his brains out. 'I'm sorry, Seob-ah. I don't know what happened. I don't know since when these feelings started to appear in me. I never thought this would happen. I guess the love I thought I had for you was just a play after all. I realised that I've loved him from the beginning. I'm sorry, Seob-ah. I'm really sorry. I hope you can forgive me.' The man was no other than Doojoon.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

At the same time, someone else was left grieving alone in his apartment. A glass of alcohol was present in front of him. 'Am I a fool? Even though I'm already tired, I still believe in your lies, Doojoon-ah. I remember your words clearly. You said you were gonna end it with him. We are supposed to love each other. But again, you lied. I know this is wrong. But I can't control myself anymore, knowing that you feel the same way towards me. I'm sorry, Seob-ah.' With that, he took long sip of his tempting drink. 'Huh... I feel like killing myself.' 

 

**********

 

"Kiki, do you know where Doojoon is? He's late for our date. He was supposed to pick me up tonight. I've been waiting at home for an hour and I'm getting worried." I've decided to call my best friend. Judging from the sound of glass and bottles clinking against the table, I bet he's busy drinking in his apartment right now.

 

Doojoon asked me out on a date yesterday, and now he's not showing up. This really worries me. He's rarely late for dates. He's only late when he has something to do. 'What could he possibly be doing on a weekend like this?' My question was left unanswered as Gikwang's voice rang in my ears. "I'm sorry, Seob. I don't know where he is."

 

I mumbled a disappointed 'okay' and before I hung up, Gikwang was shouting my name in the phone, telling me not to hang up just yet. I hesitated before asking him why he didn't want me to hang up. I really didn't like talking to him for long periods of time. Sure, he's my best friend. But let's just say our relationship isn't at it's best lately. Gikwang began to speak.

 

"Seob-ah. I'm sorry. I really am. We've been friends for so long. Being like this hurts me. Please, I beg of you, please don't do this. Please forgive me. Are we no longer able to restore everything back to the way it used to be?'

 

His words caught me off guard. Immediately I felt anger flowing in my blood. I could tell from his guilty voice that he was truly sincere. But this just cannot be taken lightly. It's not something that can be forgiven so easily. Because of his actions, our friendship broke. And this cost me my trust towards him and Doojoon.

 

Firmly, I replied back, "Kiki, listen to me. You know we can't go back. Too much has been done. Turning back now is impossible. Plus, it was all YOUR wrong doing, wasn't it? The one who broke our promise was also YOU. Whatever happens, I just can't bring myself to forgive you or Doojoon. The both of you... your wrong doings have cost too much of my trust. SO NO, I CANNOT ALLOW THIS KIND OF THING TO HAPPEN."

 

I could tell that Gikwang was shocked by my words. He was silent for some time. "Okay, if this is what you want, we can stop being friends. I admit that I'm the one who did wrong. I'm really really really sorry. It was not my attention at all to fall for Doojoon during our last year of high school. I couldn't control my feelings even when I tried to hide them. I'm sure you understand how that felt like. But please Seob-ah, do me a last favour. I hope you can for--- AH!" 

 

The sound of his phone dropping hurt my ears. Then the line was dead. I stared incredulously at my phone that was clasped tightly in my left hand. I was gripping it so tightly that my knuckles turned white. 'What the  happened?' My whole body was trembling uncontrollably. Because before the line went dead so suddenly, before Gikwang dropped his phone, I heard a man's voice whispering in Gikwang's other ear. An all too familiar voice.

 

Doojoon's voice.

 

Frustrated, the phone in my hand was thrown across the room. Shattering into pieces as it hit the floor. Even screaming at the top of my lungs couldn't relief my frustrated heart. I didn't cry. There was no room in my heart for tears. I just sat there, on the cold floor while thinking of what just happened; thinking of our relationship. I got myself composed after a few minutes. Opening a drawer nearby, I scrambled everything inside it until I finally found what I was looking for. A picture.

 

It was the picture I took during our trip at the beach years ago. We were so happy back then. Nothing could separate us. I used to cherish this picture. But now it stayed crumpled by my tight grip and a part of it was torn. I remember ripping Gikwang from the picture a few months back. At first I just scribbled on him with a black marker, but that wasn't satisfying enough. I was so frustrated at that time. The betrayal was just too much to bear.

 

For a few minutes I just stared at the picture in my hands. Flashes of our happy memories ran through my mind. I couldn't think clearly. My heart hurt too much. Day by day, my depression only got worse.  Doojoon took away my pills after I overdosed on them twice. Luckily nothing serious happened. I only got high and my head got all dizzy. And the next day I couldn't remember anything that happened. That was it. The cuts on my arms and thighs... Doojoon noticed them after forcing me to tell him how I got them. He hid all the razor blades in the house. Including the scissors and kitchen knives.

 

My mentality and emotions weren't in a stable state. I was frustrated and I came to a conclusion. I needed to end this once and for all. And I know just how. I ripped the picture to pieces and went into my room. There, I took a hidden key in my secret box and unlocked my drawer. I took out a pocket knife I bought a few weeks back. It was originally for my cutting session in case I was too frustrated. A smirk formed on my face. Doojoon may be smart, but I'm smarter.

 

I took my car keys and drove off to Gikwang's apartment. When I arrived there, I didn't bother to knock and immediately barged into the room. As I expected, Doojoon was too much in a rush to lock the door. He forgot. Seeing no one in the living room or the bedroom, I went into the kitchen. It wasn't the bottles and glasses of alcohol on the table nor was the phone lying helplessly on the floor that caught my attention. It was the two people in front of me. Across the dining table.

 

The scene in front of me shocked me. My whole body was trembling. Even my eyes were trembling from the shock. It was more than I expected. Gikwang was pinned against the wall by Doojoon, who was too busy kissing the left side of Gikwang's neck. Gikwang had a slight blush from his cheeks to the bridge of his nose.  

 

*Flashback ends*

 

Gikwang was the one who noticed me first and immediately told Doojoon to stop. So that's how we got here. Enveloped in a painful situation. Doojoon was the first one to trying to break the silence. "Seobie, I'm---"

 

He was cut off by me as I ran over to them and suddenly hugged him, burying my face against his chest. Him and Gikwang were both shocked by the sudden act. Unbeknownst to them, I had something else planned in my unstable state. I mumbled something to Doojoon. "I will never let you go." And with that, I decided to end everything. Doojoon's eyes went two times bigger but no sounds came out of his mouth. None of them noticed the pocket knife that I had been holding in my right hand the whole time. They were too absorbed in the situation to notice.

 

They didn't notice at all. That is, until Gikwang saw me swinging the pocket knife at Doojoon's stomach while I was hugging him. The knife was buried to the hilt of the handle inside Doojoon's stomach. Blood was flowing freely out of his wound, pooling on the floor. Some of them dripped from the handle and onto my hand. I heard a small 'I'm sorry' from Doojoon before pulling the knife out from his wounded stomach. I let him go and he fell limp onto the floor. Soaked in his own blood.

 

I then realised what I had done. Hearing Gikwang's shocked gasps, I fell on my knees next to Doojoon's body. I stared at my loved one's body in front of me. My expression cold; unreadable. Gikwang was horrified when he saw a small smirk forming on my lips. 'This isn't the end yet', I thought.

 

I looked up at Gikwang who was now in tears. With one last glance at my best friend, I raised my right hand which was still holding the pocket knife. 'This ends now', was my last thought before I swung the knife right at my neck. I could hear Gikwang's screams of 'Nooo!!!' accompanied by more loud choked sobs. Then everything turned black. I stopped thinking. Finally my mind and emotions can rest.

 

'I WILL SNATCH EVERYTHING AWAY FROM YOU. HIM, YOUR MEMORIES AND WHATEVER ELSE...'

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So that's the end of this story. It took me hella long to write. Sorry if it's bad. And maybe Seobie's confession part is kinda exaggerating, but it was written based on a personal experience. So yeah. That's just how love's symptoms are.  I suggest listening to Vocaloid's 'ACUTE' while reading this. Just to spice up the feel of the story. I've posted the link above. Don't forget to comment! Bye~! & thanks for reading~!

-KH