Redial

Jongin shrugged off his outer coat and hung it on the hanger. Slowly, he unwound the scarf around his neck. The room is dark, and somewhere inside him his heart dies a little more as he slowly switches on the room light, a deft flick, and for the umpteenth time again, home didn't feel like home at all. The place is empty, and void of the colourful bursts of life he was used to. The aromatic smell of food, the warm hugs, the cosy atmosphere. Walking, he headed pass to the bathroom, his finger trailing the edge of a photograph in a picture frame. It turns lightly, and the light falls just enough to show snowy white ground, and two hands holding tightly, wrapped around each other.

White. The whole place is white. That's all Kyungsoo knows, and the first thing he thinks is that he's in the hospital, and the second is that he needs Jongin.

Jongin.

He's fully healed, satin white sheets of the bed matching his pajamas as he scrambles of the bed, feet touching the carpet floor. It's only then that he realises that there is no door. Spinning around he stares wide eyed at the white walls, confused, and heart pounding wildly. Could it be..? His heart clenched tightly and he bit his bottom lip as tears welled up in his eyes as it finally hit him, the truth searing like a flame, hurting and burning. Jongin was gone. No, he was gone. A soft sob escaped him and he screwed up his eyes, hoping it'll stop the tears, but it's useless as they roll down his face. Suddenly, there's a soft ringing sound, and Kyungsoo looks up, confused as the telephone against the wall began to ring. Pale white, the numbers white too, it's old fashioned, and hesitatingly Kyungsoo reaches out to pick it up.

"여보세요?"

"여보세오, how are you? I'm at work right now, you won't believe how badly it's snowing in Seoul-"

The phone clatters to the floor, the wire chord hanging as Kyungsoo stares in disbelief. Because floating from it is Jongin's voice, his beautiful perfect voice, his voice, his voice. Kyungsoo lets out a sharp sob and he grabs the phone, scrambling as he places it against his ear, desperate for the connection. He needed time, to whisper, to talk, to let Jongin know he's here, that he's fine.

"Jongin! I'm here! How are you, oh my god I-"

"Please take care at the traffic light, be safe, I love you." The phone clicks, and Kyungsoo feels his heart drop a hundred feet. Trembling, he removes the phone from his ear and stares. Jongin never hung up on him. Never. His heart is running on a race track, and he sits on his bed, lifting the phone and putting it back to it's original position, beside his bed. Leaning against the head board, Kyungsoo thinks, and thinks. He loses time like a galaxy loses gravity. There's no clock, nothing to count, and he jumps when the phone rings again, and without hesitation, he picks it up again.

"여보세요-"

"Jongin! Can you hear me? Can you-"

"I miss your kimchi spaghetti hyung. I hope you don't mind me eating with the gang instead, I miss you. Take care at the traffic light, be safe, I love you!" This time, the phone call ends on it's own without interruption, and Kyungsoo is tearing apart in pieces. His heart bleeds, cracks and he wants to scream, and so he does. He loses control, because this can't be happening, this isn't supposed to happen. He screams until his voice is hoarse, until it cracks, until every part of him is exhausted. The pillows don't help, because the messages play on their own. They speak and he sobs into the pillow because it's pure torture, listening to that recite again and again, to hear but not see, to understand but not speak, to listen, but not have the other do so.

"Jongin." Jongin looks up and watches with wary eyes as his friends sit in front of him. Something feels off, something is brewing and he narrows his eyes as Suho Hyung sits down, smoothing his tie, not daring to look at him in the eye. None of the others do, and Jongin feels his blood run cold as Jongdae Hyung looks up at him with pity. He knew what was coming. He knew it from their look, the pity the fear, the anxiousness, he could almost taste it, springing alive.

"I'm not crazy." He snaps, fingers curling around his phone protectively as Sehun reaches for it. It's a heated battle as he stares down his eleven friends, heart racing, chest tight. They didn't understand, couldn't understand, that this was the only connection left to Kyungsoo, the only physical evidence. His clothes no longer smelt like him, the house no longer lingered with his presence, his office had already been cleared, nothing was left, nothing. They couldn't see could they? This was all he had left, all that was left, nothing, nothing at all. He pushes past Kris hyung, and he leaves the restaurant. Outside is a swirl of colours, of night time mixed with glaring bright lights, warm bodies, walking and spinning around, he's lost, and he knows why. He stumbles, and he falls into the snow, and for the second time since kyungsoo was gone he cries, because there's no one to pick him up, no one to wipe away the tears, and he understands the true meaning of loneliness.

Hugging himself, Kyungsoo says nothing, staring straight away into emptiness, fingers clutching tight to the pillow. His knuckles are white, and his lips are raw from biting. Big eyes flutter, and a tear trickles down as his body shakes, as he struggles to keep the pieces together. Because he's falling apart, bit by bit, he loses who he is, for Jongin was the glue, his glue. His throat constricts, and a second tear joins the next, crystals falling and staining cloth.

Round and round is how Jongin feels, the world is playing a cruel prank on him, and he's wishing that one day someone would just pop out and say that it is. But it isn't, so he keeps going, round and round the merry go round. Days blend into Weeks which blend into months, like the perfect shade of blue with just the right amount of white to give you clouds in a painting. Monday Tuesday Wednesday Friday Saturday Sunday, they're the same, nothing, empty, dead. No one understands, no one feels the same. He goes through life like an empty shell, empty, there but never truly there. He's alone now, and the loneliness is catching up to him, killing him from inside. Work means nothing, and his friends worry as he stares at the clock on the office wall, because it's like a time bomb, ticking away.

"여보세요-"

Kyungsoo stares at the phone, and suddenly, his heart constricts. Because it isn't fair, it isn't funny, it isn't enough, it wasn't right. His heart boils, his eyes tear, because everything is completely wrong, and he can't take it anymore. He grabs the pillow, and hits the phone, all the while screaming and sobbing. Even when the feathers erupt from the pillow, he keeps going, and the phone doesn't stop, and Jongin's voice just keeps playing.

"Why aren't you here? Why can't you be here? Why do I have to hear you? Why can't you stop talking? Why can't you be with me? Why why why, why? This isn't fair, this isn't right, this isn't supposed to be. We were supposed to grow old together, buy a cottage in the country side, grow white hair together, have a little boy of our own, we were forever. Why are you doing this to me? Why, why WHY?!" He falls to the floor, sobbing as he understands, exactly like Jongin, what loneliness is like. What falling and hitting rock bottom is like, without anyone to catch you. The fall is beautiful, but the impact hurts, and he knows, because his heart hurts.

"Jongin-"

"Yes hyung?" Jongin responds robotically, picking up the phone and slipping it into his pocket as he stacks the next set of paper work on to his desk. Suho clears his throat awkwardly, and Jongin feels bad, because Kyungsoo was his best friend too, and the pain was still there, etched in Suho's face whenever he walked past the desk Kyungsoo sat. But he didn't have to deal with walking past the chocolate shop, the DVD shop, the flower shop, the cemetery, and then home. He didn't have to deal with seeing the empty place where Kyungsoo was supposed to be. The office desk, the meeting room, the cafeteria, the kitchen, walking past, and hurting everytime because he sees the smile, the twinkle in his eyes, but when he looks the second time, it's empty, again. And at home, sleeping in an empty bed, covers cold, and reaching out from nightmares only to feel the empty spot where he slept, cold, and realise he was already gone.

"Do you want another week off?" The gesture catches Jongin off guard and he looks up at his hyung stunned. He had already used up all his leave for the funeral, and grieving, so what now..?

"We managed to pull our leave days together, and we can give you a week to, rejuvenate yourself. Go on a holiday, go somewhere, go anywhere, just be yourself." And to grieve somemore. The unspoken meaning leaves Jongin smiling, and he thanks his hyung, and runs to Tao before giving him a hug. The rest of his friends are stunned, because of the smile on his face, the grin that lit up Jongin's face. It's a smile full if promises, of love, of mischief, and all of them feel a twinge of sadness, because it reminds them so much of Kyungsoo's heart shaped smile. Jongin finishes his work early, and drags to the rest out for dinner, and for the first time he's back. But they wonder how long it'll last.

"Okay, that's it, I don't know who the heck is keeping me here, but you are gonna let me out of this place. I've had enough of your twisted sick nonsense, so you let me out right now, before I decide to kick your ." Kyungsoo snaps, seething at the wall. He feels stupid talking to a wall, but he's tired, frustrated, exhausted, pissed. With no reply, like he expected, he growls frustratedly and kicks the wall, hard. Turning around, he stomps back to the bed, but there's a tinkling sound, and he whirls around to see the door, handle there. He bursts into tears before slowly pushing it open. The minute he does, he wishes he could close it again, because the madness inside was nothing compared to outside. Moving images of Jongin everywhere, crying, sobbing, smiling, past present, but no future. But that's enough to break him, because it's Jongin. He pulls at his hair and shakes his head, screaming and yelling, but failing to see another script of words curling on the door.

Jongin makes his way through the crowd, hands in his pockets. His beanie slips down, covering his eyes and he pulls it up with his fingers, tugging at the cotton. It’s only then he realizes he has stopped right in front of a transparent glass window of a shop. He can roughly see his reflection in there, and as he looks at the Christmas tree in the store, reindeers pulling a carriage adorned with gifts, he realizes that it’s Christmas. Something cold and wet sticks to his face, sliding down his cheek. Reaching out, the snowflake falls into his open hand and he looks up into the sky, moon bright as he thinks back to just last Christmas.

“Oh WOW Jongin, look at that!” Kyungsoo drags Jongin by his arm, pulling and tugging incessantly at the younger. Jongin sighs, but allows his hyung to drag him away. With his forehead pressed against the glass, breath misting over the surface, Jongin stares at his hyung. He looked like a kid getting candy and a present from Santa. Kyungsoo gasps in shock at the train going round the tree in the store, his face pure happiness. Something wet graces Kyungsoo’s cheeks, and he looks up startled, only to giggle as Jongin pulls him into a hug before lips soft and warm press to his cheek as they enjoyed a Christmas kiss.

Kyungsoo gasps, eyes fluttering open, hands reaching forward, crawling at the empty spot beside him. Floundering, he panics as he feels nothing but air. Bolting upright, he turns to snuggle into a warm embrace, but halts as he realizes there’s nothing next to him. Nothing but covers, cold satin running over his fingertips. Not warm skin, a chuckle maybe, soft whispered words, no hand his hair. His eyelids flutter and his bottom lip trembles as tears well up, leaking from the corner. He’s alone, hugging the pillow he sobs into it, feeling as though his world was splitting apart, falling down pieces by pieces. Like gravity overturning, losing his feet, the world turning on its axis. Burying his face in the pillow, he tries to pretend, that everything is alright, that steady arms clutches at his waist and that the pillow still smells of Jongin’s shampoo.

Seperately, yet tied together on a raft they float. Bound by love, yearning for the other, through uselessness, through impossibility. Breathing for the other, living for the other, staying on for each other. Jongin is lost, confused, and he’s falling. Kyungsoo wonders if Jongin’s waiting for him, close enough to be but not. Tied together and yearning, souls entwined, a pity that what held them apart was wider than anything else, they dreamt. If only they knew how close they were to the end.

“Excuse me, are you Kim Jongin?” Jongin looks upwards from his desk, and finds his throat going dry. Dark chocolate hair against white creamy ivory skin, smouldering deep eyes and red vibrant lips greeted him, and he found himself incoherent, only able to nod his head. The boy before him smiles and tilts his head before reaching out to shake his hand, introducing himself as Do Kyungsoo. Jongin doesn’t register much, but all he knows is that if this was love, he must have found it, because no one was more beautiful than this angel. He must have truly fallen from heaven, and straight into his arms.

Jongin groans, waking up from his dream again. His eyelashes are thick and heavy with tears as he rakes a hand through his hair, chest heaving. He turns and stops short as he remembered that the space beside him was empty. Always. It barely seemed like yesterday when he could have crawled into warm arms, where lips could have chased away his insecurities, when his heart could have been soothed by soft hands. It barely seemed like yesterday when he blood spilled onto snow, and he said goodbye to the only person that meant anything to him. Just barely yesterday that he loved. He reaches for his phone, and dials for the number he knows so well.

 "여보세요-"

Kyungsoo jerks right out of bed, and his doe eyes widen. He crawls across the bed, his heart stinging slightly as he wonders what he has to say this time. Does it hurt, does it hurt, does it hurt? The question turns in his mind like clockwork, repeating again and again as he picks up the phone, pressing the cold cool plastic to his ear as he braces himself for what he would hear.

"여보세요, are you there? I don’t know, I feel like I’m a fool talking to you through here. Technically you can’t hear this so why am I even bothering right?” Kyungsoo in a breath as Jongin laughs, a sharp brittle sound, “I mean, you’re gone, you’re not here anymore, so why am I still acting like you are? I don’t know, that makes me kind of stupid doesn’t it? Calling someone who doesn’t reply? Kris hyung thinks I’m crazy, and they all think I should see a psychiatrist,” Kyungsoo chokes on his breath, praying not to break as he wonders if he’s strong enough to listen to this.

“But you know what, I don’t think I’m crazy. I don’t think I’m losing it at all.” Jongin lies back down on his bed, phone still clutched to his ear, “I think you can hear me, somewhere out there. And I just wanted you to know I love you, and we’re still going to grow old together, and buy a cottage in the country side, and get a little kid. Maybe not now, but I’ll wait for you until I can see you again.” Catching his breath, Jongin struggles, wondering what else to say. He the pillow beside his, and he smiles, remembering the heart shaped smile of his angel, bright and peaceful.

“Some day, I’m going to walk down the street and see you again. I’m going to walk down, just looking around, and I’m going to bump into you. And the moment I see you, whether in this life or not, I’ll know it’s you, and that we’re meant to be. And in this life, or the next or whatever we will be, I will find you again alright Soo? And when I do, I’m never letting you go, and we’ll get our happy ever after, over the rainbow. I’ll find you, and we’ll have our forever, just you wait. Wait for me alright? I love you, stay safe.” Sobbing loudly, Kyungsoo bursts into tears as inchoerent words pour from his mouth, because he’ll wait, forever and always.

“You’re so slow!!”

“Excuse me?!” Kyungsoo pouts, and Jongin chuckles before pressing his hands to his lover’s cheeks, squishing them. Kyungsoo’s eyebrow jerks dangerously, and that’s all the warning Jongin gets before a lump of cold snow is shoved down the back of his shirt. It’s cold and wet, making him shriek and laugh before he pushes Kyungsoo backwards. They fall into the snow, and Jongin stops as he realises how close he was to Kyungsoo, noses almost touching. Staring into those wide flustered eyes, Jongin bent down, forehead pressing to his hyung’s as Kyungsoo closes his eyes.

The first kiss never tasted better than this. Of snow, berries, and sweet sweet love. This was the first time they both felt what forever tasted like.

Jongin washes his hands, drying them on the paper towel. Today he’s wearing a nice baby blue sweater, something that belonged to Kyungsoo. Today, he wanted to go to the DVD store, to borrow something. Maybe Kyungsoo’s favourite show again, he mused to himself as he shrugged on his coat. Humming under his breath, he jostled through the crowd, tugging his beanie even more as he walks briskly. The door tinkles as he pushes it open and he greets the auntie behind the counter. Bowing, he flashes a smile before heading over to the Porroro section. His eye caught a particular Porroro disc, and just as he grabbed it, long slender fingers grabbed on to the other end. Cursing irritatedly in his heart, Jongin turned around sharply, but he halted.

He had forgotten how beautiful an angel from heaven could be.

His eyes raked over midnight black hair, wide expressive eyes, that small cute nose, those smooth cherry lips, and those high cut cheek bones along with chubby porcelain white cheeks, now dusted pink. He felt himself falling, because this wasn’t possible, this wasn’t right, and nothing could bring back the dead at all. Choking, Jongin just continued staring, his head still not quite processing the image he saw. The boy in front of him shuffled his feet before blurting out several incoherent words. Jongin blinked, before a soft ‘huh?’ escaped his lips.

“I-I said you looked familiar, maybe it’s just me, I d-didn’t mean, I mean,” the boy stammered in front of him, and Jongin wanted to laugh, but he kept his face straight and instead asked, voice gentle, what his name was.

“I was in a car crash, and all I know is that my name is Kyungsoo.”

He had enough with this, enough of the pain, enough of the hurt, enough of everything. Pushing open the door, he slammed it open, his eyes blazing with anger, tear tracks still obvious on his cheeks as he stalked to the centre, memorising Jonginm’s face, before he fell to his knees, hands held in prayer, heart shaking.

“Please, if you have a heart, let me come back, please, please. I can’ t stay here, I love him, he needs me. Please, heaven, if this is truly heaven, please let me back, please let me be with him. Please please stop this torture, I love him, please, please, please...” Sobbing, Kyungsoo continued to ramble, sobbing as the pictures of Jongin flashed before him, his smile, his eyes, every momemnt, every memory. There was a flash of white light, and Kyungsoo faded.

“Sir, Sir, are you coherent, Sir!” A commanding voice woke him, and all he could see were gauzes of white, plastic, and glaring lights, and one name resounding in his mind, along with a face.

Jongin.

“Hello, I’m Jongin.” Jongin replied, and Kyungsoo’s eyes widened in recognigtion, while somewhere in hi heart, Jongin sang with happiness. In heaven, a white telephone laid forgotten, and somewhere somehow, the world’s axis was righted, and everything was perfect again as the last phone call was made.

여보세요, Be safe, I love you, forever.