A/N: holy s, I think I was high while writing this because there's so many grammar errors that I always can catch while writing. I've fixed it now haha. and the tag on my page i put down taeyeon/jessica. ok i was high gdi. I swear after writing those 8 page long essays with like 456456 drafts for english class have turned me into a fob grammar nazi

but anyways, enjoy xD

Part 1 // Free-falling freely 

I wonder what falling in love feels like. Is it sweet? Is it painful? Is it like falling off an exploding airplane? Yes, I think. Of course, I had my first kiss, but your first kiss isn't your first love, it's just a first kiss. I'm not sure if it's normal to say that my first kiss wasn't with the opposite . Oh my god.

"Am I gay?"

"Oh my god! Kim Taeyeon! You're gay?"

Oh snap.

"If you're gay it's fine" No it's not. "I mean your--"

"Yes, yes it is."

Nothing is worse that making your best friend think you're gay. This is not okay. Not okay at all. Wait, if I'm not gay why am I making such a big deal over this?.

"Being gay is fine Tae, I know you've dated a girl before, your first kiss was with a girl, and your first crush was a girl. I had a crush on a girl too, and kissed one, and I--"

" I know you kissed a girl before, cause that was me" I fold my arms, smirking " I know you had a crush on a girl, that was also me" I flipped my hair "And..."

"And I dated a girl and that wasn't you"

"Exactly, it wasn't me-- wait excuse me?" Did she just say it wasn't me? I pouted "And you say I don't tell you anything."

Tiffany and I, we're the best of friends. We can be less than loves, more than friends, and no, it's not friends with benefits. We tell each other everything, well almost everything. Wow I feel terrible. I didn't know she dated a girl. That was unexpected. I know she's like boy crazy about Dennis Oh and those American actors, but I didn't know she dated a girl before. I'm a terrible friend for not knowing this.

I looked at her with my eyes wide open, in shock. The girl, who was she? Who she to Miyoung? My "wife". Looking at her beautiful eyes, I sat down, feeling depressed and I don't know why. Patting the empty seat next to me, she sat down. "Yes?". I held her hand in between my hands and looked at her.

"I'm pregnant" She stated with her poker face.

"Bull, who was it?" Anger started to overflow. I was feeling frustrated. Why? Just why am I feeling like this? She's free to date whoever she wants, but why am I...

"Why are you being like this? All mad about it? You're not my dad, you're not my lover, why are you getting all worked up about this?!" Why am I getting worked up about this?

I sighed "Just tell me."

"I dated Nicole from Kara." Oh. "She was the sweetest person I've ever met" I thought I was. "It was only for half a year, but thanks to that we're really close now." Isn't she lucky. "Don't you ever wonder why I go to their dressing room so often?" No, not really. "We were dating."

"Awesome." Is this what they called jealousy? She dated my baby Steph. The Miyoung that I've been looking over for the past god knows how long.

"You look down, why?" Cause she dated you.

"I'm just tired, that's all. I'm gonna go to the balcony." I lied as I stood up, walking towards the door.

"You sure?" She frowned.

"Yeah."

Is falling in love sweet? Is it painful? Is it bitter? How would I know if I'm falling in love? How would I know if the one I fell for won't hurt me? How would I know if confessing is the right idea? How would I know exactly? How would it feel if you fell in love but you didn't know about it? How do can I express myself? Does falling in love helps? Does it change you completely?

As I inhaled what is left of the tobacco in my hand, I exhaled the cloud of smoke, threw it away and lighted up a new one. An idol like me shouldn't smoke, at least I shouldn't if I've been told to have one of the greatest voice in Korea. I can't help it. As much as I hate to be living off of this life piece of stick, it gives me great pleasure. No one really know I'm this type of person, someone who gets drunk or smokes whatever there is to smoke, well except for her and a couple people. As I inhaled, my phone started to ring. 'Kim Heechul'

"What do you want." instead of saying it in a question, I stated with frustration and annoyance.

"Someone sounds depressed"

"Aren't we all?" It's true. Almost all of us 'entertainers' are, of course, stressed. Depressed. Anything negative can fit the feelings of us idols.

"I'm guessing someone is high"

"No, I'm not. Just smoking--"

"Oh"

Our conversation lasted for at least an hour or two. It might be cold outside, but this life stick and laughters made from his jokes always calms me down. Other than Tiffany, he's only person I can tell my secrets too. Not all, maybe most. As the conversation goes on, 2 boxes were already empty, and I'm literary a third done with my third box, ironically. Noticing that this isn't going to end well, I said my greetings to him and hung up. Smoking for at least an two hour straight can give you the same high as getting drunk or even doing some stupid drunk. It keeps you intoxicated, and somewhat stupid.

Opening the door back to the dorm, I let the cold air in. Entering my room trying to ignore whatever noise the members are making at the living room, I went straight to my room. And there she was, sitting, with her arms crossed, staring at me.

"I thought you stopped." Sadness can be heard faintly in between her rough pronunciation. Her face looked like it was about ti blow up any second, but it seemed soft, caring in a way.

"I did"

"You smell like you just came out from an hour long smoke bath."

"I did" The unwanted headache starts to kick in. My head throbs like a quadruple kick from the kick drum. The cons of smoking for hours.

"I thought you quit." She stood up, her hands by her hip.

"You said drugs."

"Did you quit that?!" He voice got slightly louder and higher, but controlled.

I snapped. Enraged by her question, or rather statement. She's a hypocrite for telling me this. I know what she knows, I know what she keeps. She doesn't tell me, but I know. She doesn't tell me like that "girlfriend" she kept a secret for half a year. She doesn't tell me even though I told her everything. Even my feelings, my deepest secret.

"Who are you? My mom? My dad? My lover? I've seen you stab that needle into your system, getting higher our than company's income. I've seen you sniff that white powder and go out clubbing with god knows who. And yes, I saw you at the club too popping molly in the back. And also, I've seen you drink that easter pink when you thought that all the members were already out of the dressing room. You think I don't know any of these because you don't tell me? And then you go out and tell me to stop and you still kept on doing it. I know you keep them in the 2nd drawer in that pink box of yours!" I exploded. I wasn't in the right mind. I seriously didn't know smoking a freaking cigarette for 2 freaking hours turns you into a demon. I thought I'd be dead by now. The headache went worse, my mind was somewhat spinning, my eyesight was blurry, a bit teary.

All I see is slightly open, like she wanted to protest, like she wanted to clarify things. She ran out of my room. The only thing that I saw from her face when she passed my shoulder was a single tear. Just great, I made her cry.

I was now more frustrated than ever. Without any second thoughts, I grabbed the nearest item near me and threw it across the room and shattered into pieces. It was then I noticed that it was my favorite perfume, thank god it was empty. If it was full, I'm willing to throw myself out of the window. My knees became weak and I fell to the floor and hugged my knees all the way up to my chest.

"..What have I done." I broke down in tears, sobbing quietly as I hear the members in the living room shout at god knows what. I fell even worse now. I got in a fight with Miyoung and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I can fix it. Can I fix this?

The world around me starts to spin faster, my thoughts are getting no where, and the next thing I knew, everything went black. I was awoken by the sound of my roommate and her shaking me like there's no tomorrow. "Taeyeon, why are you sleeping on the floor?" She helped me up and I groaned. My headache didn't disappear, but it got better than what it was maybe a couple hours ago.

"Tiffany was crying in her room, do you know why?" I shook my head.

Of course I knew why, I made her cry.

"You should talk to her." I don't want to.

But maybe I should.

"Is she still in her room?" Jessica shook her head "She's in the living room with the girls. She thought she should do the five minute talk thing we always do you know, so she told me to come and get you." I sighed, Out of all the days to do a five minute talk, why now.

This is going to be, the worst five minute talk I've done in my entire life.

----

oh whoops i cant write sry not sry

ok bye see you tomorro

this is literary just a copy&paste from my lj haha if youre on my LJ (chykla) Im most likely to post my updates faster c: see ya