Along with the biting cold of February comes a packed schedule - the band’s vocal and dance training hours have been increased in preparation for the new album and various after their brief break around Chinese New Year. Joonmyeon didn’t think it was humanly possible to be productive for 20 hours a day, but their management always comes up with ways to cut back on sleep, and the latest medication they’ve put the boys on even make ever-sleepy Jongin bounce off the walls.

Joonmyeon is worn out, but at least the long hours are a distraction from the tension between him and Jongdae after their awkward encounter in the shower.

He wasn’t able to look Jongdae in the eye for the next two days. By the time Joonmyeon musters the courage to try and talk to Jongdae, in private, the other man doesn’t give him the chance, avoiding K’s dorm and Joonmyeon as much as possible.

Their own activities are keeping them even further apart: Joonmyeon has his own hosting gig for Inkigayo with Baekhyun, and Jongdae’s solo promotions for S.M. The Ballad are making his schedule even fuller than the others’. At first it’s a relief to be away from the other singer, but after a few days he realizes leaving things left unsaid can be form of emotional torture too.

Joonmyeon can count the hours of sleep he’s getting on one hand but they’re a curse rather than a blessing - the image of Jongdae’s disgusted look haunts him and his own secret sits heavily on his chest, making it hard to breathe at night.

This shouldn’t have been an issue. Joonmyeon had made peace with the fact that he would be, for all intents and purposes, without romantic love for the duration of his career. He had broken his resolve only once, at the age of 18, when another trainee had come out to him. They’d been involved for a while, although Joonmyeon is convinced the main thing that held them together was a shared need for understanding and discretion rather than love. More importantly, it had given Joonmyeon the chance to test the waters and confirm something he’d known about himself for a while now - that he was gay. Admitting that to himself had taken a long time, if only because it simply didn’t correspond with the way others viewed him: always proper, always obedient, play-by-the-rules Joonmyeon. It was odd to imagine another man by his side in future family pictures. From the start, he’d tried to dissociate that man from the young trainee he saw in the mirror, even if the man in the picture always seemed happier than the boy.

In a very twisted way, it made things easier for Joonmyeon in the long run: by the time their debut rolled around, he’d been so used to suppressing that part of himself that slipping into the dual personality of Suho and Joonmyeon almost felt natural. He’d never paused to think if it was right or fair: the other gay trainee had suddenly dropped out of the program about 3 months into their fling, following persistent rumors on his uality - and Joonmyeon realized hiding that part of him was necessary if he wanted a fair chance to debut.

Near the end of the month, Joonmyeon finally gets his chance, when he and Jongdae are sent home together after a particularly gruelling recording session. In a rare gesture of concern, Minwook doesn’t make them wait for the other members but gives them a ride to the dorms, ordering them to catch up on sleep “because you’ve both been looking a bit pale, lately”. Joonmyeon can’t help but scoff at the show of concern - Minwook is always the first whip out the bottle of amphetamines and distribute it like candy ‘to boost morale’, so it’s pretty ironic for him to be concerned about the amount of sleep they get. Jongdae’s already knocked out in the backseat and the drive to the dorm goes by in silence. When they arrive, Jongdae mumbles a sleepy goodnight to Minwook before setting off to M’s dorm. Joonmyeon follows, knowing he’ll go crazy if he spends another night going over the conversation he’d been avoiding instead of catching up on much-needed sleep.

“Wait! I need to talk to you.” Joonmyeon’s voice sounds hollow bouncing off the cold white marble walls.

Jongdae doesn’t look at him, quickly punching in the pincode on the electronic lock. “I need to sleep, hyung. You should too.”

“Five minutes. One chance to explain myself, that’s all I ask.” Joonmyeon’s voice cracks a little, and it makes Jongdae pause in the dorm doorway.

“Keep it short.” Jongdae’s voice sounds tired and he still doesn’t meet Joonmyeon’s gaze, but he shuffles inside and opens the door wide enough to make the invitation clear. Jongdae doesn’t take off his shoes so neither does Joonmyeon, the both of them standing awkwardly together in the small entry hall of the dorm.

Now that Joonmyeon finally finds himself alone with Jongdae, far away from prying eyes or curious ears, the words he’d so carefully planned to say seem to escape him, and he barely manages to stutter an apology before Jongdae cuts him off.

“Look, I really don’t want to hear your apologies. I just need you to tell me you’ve got a ing plan for this. If this gets out, we’re over. All of us. Did you even think about that before you decided to get all gay on my ? Did you ever consider we’d all be called dirty fags because of you?”

“I - Jongdae, I never...” Joonmyeon finds it hard to swallow around the invisible wounds Jongdae’s words are leaving behind in his chest. “I never wanted it to get out, you know the band is my first priority, I’ve always been careful and -”

“How can you tell me the band is your priority if you’re one of those people, Joonmyeon? It’s not just about you, this is going to make all of us look bad.”

The familiar hot prickle of tears behind his eyelids is blurring Joonmyeon’s vision, and he can hardly recognize Jongdae’s face without his trademark smile.

He had promised himself not to cry or get angry at his band mate, but under Jongdae’s judging glare it’s hard to resist the urge to fight back.

“It’s not a bloody choice, you . Do you think I wanted to be like this? It certainly didn’t make things easier for me.”

“I really don’t care. We’re all making sacrifices here. But you’ve lied to us. If word gets out you’re gay, it’s going to screw all of us over. You had no right keeping this from us. I still can’t believe you blatantly lied about it, for years. , you really strung us along, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t have another choice. None of us do. You know I’m not the only one.” They all knew some of their older label mates were gay, although no one ever dared to confirm it out loud - the PR department of the company kept a close look on them, making sure to stir up dating rumours at regular intervals and casting them in variety shows like We Got Married to keep the gay rumour mill at bay. Joonmyeon sometimes wonders if S.M would have bothered with the risk if those members hadn’t been part of established acts.

Jongdae squawks. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? It’s still a risk, Joonmyeon.”

“I’ve kept this a secret for the past 4 years, and never have I given you or anyone else a reason to think I’m gay,” Joonmyeon says through gritted teeth.

“Really? I’d say you popping a while you were trying to feel me up in the shower was a pretty strong hint.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. It won’t happen again.” Joonmyeon realizes his talk with Jongdae will not bring him the peace of mind he so desperately craved. He wonders why he let himself think he could just talk things over with Jongdae and they’d somehow go back to normal. Of course it wouldn’t be as easy as that. Jongdae is kind and compassionate and patient, but he’s still a product of the society he grew up in - a society that rejects people like Joonmyeon.

Jongdae’s expression is unreadable as he rubs his hands over his face, his shoulders stiff from exhaustion. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m going to ignore this and I expect you’ll do the same. Good night.” He turns on the heels of his feet, picks up the bag he’d dropped by his feet earlier and starts walking towards his own bedroom at the other end of the apartment. He halts, his hand resting on the door handle, before turning back to Joonmyeon who’s still rooted on the dark welcome mat by the front door.  

“I don’t hate you, Joonmyeon. I just don’t think it’s right.”

“I can’t change who I am.”

“I know, I’m very sorry for you.”

Jongdae knows, and Joonmyeon has never felt more exposed in his entire life. For once, retreating inside his mental walls doesn’t bring the feeling of safety he craves, because Jongdae’s pity cuts deeper than he would’ve thought possible, and the gaps it leaves behind are filled with shame.

It doesn’t take long for Chanyeol to decide who to contact first. It’s been nearly 8 years since he has talked to Kris directly, and it has taken a few phone calls to get Kris’ contact details, but now Chanyeol is clutching a small piece of paper where he has jotted down Kris’ cellphone number earlier, courtesy of Amber (although it did take a little bribing with the promise of taking her and Liz out for dinner