*A/N~~ This chapter has some mild swearing in it. But, I don’t want to rate it, so, this is your caveat.

Also, this may appear to be more of a filler chapter than anything, but I promise that it has everything to do with the main story.

Chapter Three

            Sungyeol was a fool.

            He knew he was a fool, and for the most part, he played off of his foolishness; it helped him get by, and kept him from feeling too much. Sometimes, it caused problems, problems that he regretted, and typically, he shrugged off the repercussions.

            Was he really so awful that he pushed away those he loved, as well? He was jealous; he knew that. He was being unreasonable; he knew that, too. What he didn’t know was why he was so torn, so lost, just by Myungsoo leaving.

            Why?

            When he looked back on all of the things that he’d ever said or done, prior to even meeting Myungsoo, or even moving to his new school, he’d done plenty of things that merited having Myungsoo leave. But, that wasn’t the problem.

            Myungsoo was not the problem.

            No. He wasn’t the problem, and he couldn’t be the problem. The only problem was:

            Sungyeol’s impulsiveness, his attachment, and his narcissism, had caused a rift to grow, and build, and pushed him away. Nobody, and nothing had caused his emotion meltdown.

            He often prided himself on having an emotional wall built again the bull of the world, but this time, he’d allowed his wall to crumble entirely, and then, in rebuilding his wall against the sudden onslaught of emotions, he allowed every negative and positive anything that he’d ever felt to be unleashed, and the backlash was over a hundred times harder than he believed it had a right to be.

            From the very beginning of Myungsoo’s deviation, Sungyeol had felt an unyielding urge to be closerclosercloser, and when it was not achieved, he allowed his own foolishness to get in the way. He knew, just knew, that Myungsoo had done nothing wrong, but one thing stuck out, razor-sharp in his mind:

            He was not worthy of Kim Myungsoo, and he never was. Myungsoo had not said that, had not meant it, and had not even begun to imply that,  but Sungyeol’s foolishness, his base immaturity had, and it had Sungyeol feeling lower than dirt. He was not handsome, nor was he intelligent, not like he wanted.

            Sungyeol would often fantasize about his life, how it would be, how it would end, and in those fantasies, he would imagine himself as strikingly handsome, irresistible, and worshipped by thousands of fans screaming his name. But now, he knew, just knew, that those fantasies were just dreams, and that they would never be realized. Sure, he could dream, but only for so long until the cold grip of reality would sink in, and he would fall, exhausted by dreams, onto his bed, and stare at his painfully blank ceiling.

            Myungsoo  had done nothing wrong.

            No matter who Sungyeol asked, the answer was always the same: Myungsoo hadn’t done anything wrong, he was allowed to be with whoever he wanted to, and Sungyeol just had to realize that. However, even the truth was not enough to make Sungyeol feel even the slightest bit better.

            He knew, because he could feel it, that Myungsoo didn’t deserve any of the bitterness, and resentment that Sungyeol harbored, that if Sungyeol truly cared, and understood, that he would accept the fact that Myungsoo was no longer constantly by his side. The truth did not make the reality any easier to accept.

            Sungyeol had replaced the literal reality with one of his own, and made it as such: He was only a temporary placeholder, and due to his lack of qualifications, his time had come, and his number was called. Myungsoo was handsome, kind, loyal, and so, so smart, and Sungyeol was only dragging him down to his level, which was the most unattractive, imbecilic, and traitorous level that could possibly even exist.

            Without even realizing it, Sungyeol had replaced his actual being with a person that was worth nothing, owed too much, and deserved nothing but bitterness. He would speak of broken promises, but he knew, as nobody else knew, that his promises were the worst ones broken. By simply being friends with Myungsoo, he was betraying the one that he had called his friend, as he began to sink further and further into the belly of the beast that he had generated simply through his cowardice and insecurities.

            Often, Sungyeol would experience miniature epiphanies, in which he would know that he was being unreasonable, and he would apologize, apologize deeply, and swear to change. But he never could.

            Myungsoo was the world, Sungyeol’s world, and the image of Myungsoo in Sungyeol’s mind was being poisoned, poisoned by Sungyeol’s own fear of being replaced and abandoned, and poisoned by the ones that Sungyeol had once called his friends. Myungsoo was the world, and Sungyeol was slowly, tortuously, removing himself from that world. Perhaps there was no need to be as dramatic as he was, perhaps it could even be called pathetic, but it was all Sungyeol could handle.

            He was breaking, and only by his own mind, could he save himself, or end himself. And, thus far, he was only ending himself.

            Sungyeol had problems, problems that he didn’t even know how to cope with. No, not “didn’t know how,” but “didn’t want to” cope with. 

*A/N~~ So, this is kind of a nonsense, short chapter, and I'm really sorry!! 0.0 But, I'm sick, and my hands are shaky, and can't type all that wonderfully.. 

Pleaase, comment, subscribe, and upvote, if you will!! 

Comments are love! 

~~Mak~~