I Want You

by TAOpandy

Title and Description - 11/15

I felt so-so about the title. On the one hand, it described the tone of the story very well, but on the other hand, I felt that it was a little unoriginal and didn’t say anything unique about the story. The description was great, it told just enough to get the readers interest without giving too much away. Loved the forward on “what to expect.”

Plot - 16/20

I really like your plot. It has some great twists that keep me guessing at how things are going to unfold. Of course the love triangle trope isn’t really original, but there’s a very good reason why we’re happy to read it over and over again. It provides some seriously enjoyable drama.

I also have to say that I loved the opening. You really had me interested in what was going on and it was a great introduction into the relationship that the two leads share.

Characters - 18/20

The best part about the twisting drama is that you made me care about what happens to the characters. It’s no good to write a drama if I don’t like the characters and don’t give two craps about what happens to them, but you have managed to make me care about each character and with each chapter I felt real concern about whose feelings were going to end up getting hurt (except JiYong, seriously, screw him.)

I love the way you show character growth and a slow development of emotions throughout the story. I feel that this is really a strong area of yours.

Pace and Flow - 12/15

The story was paced very well. Each event leads logically to the next and the events provide strong motivators for the characters emotions.

You played out the 'spin the bottle' scene very well, using long sentences to play up the emotional tension. You had me biting my nails waiting to see what was going to happen. I think this was really the best written scene of the whole story.

Grammar, Spelling and Structure - 10/15

I know you said you wrote a lot of this on an ipod without spell check so I won’t give you too hard of a time about this. I didn’t notice much in the way of spelling mistakes, but there were definitely some typos with a few words missing letter or the having the wrong letter. (i.e. somewhere in there it says ‘ehat’ when I assume it should say ‘what’ and a few other things) A good beta could probably polish up those issues and probably wouldn’t be too difficult to find. The grammar was good. I didn’t observe any errors and the overall structure was perfect for reading. The chapter length was enough to move the story nicely, but not so long that it went on for miles.

One thing that you could look at for improving your writing is how often you use -ly words. (e.i. sweetly, knowingly, quietly, seriously) There's nothing wrong with using them, but you should think twice and ask yourself if there's a more powerful way to say something.

You could write: "What are you doing?" He asked angrily.

or you could write: "What are you doing?" His voice was as hard as his frown. A vein bulged in his forehead, betraying his temper and short patience.

So there's nothing wrong with using -ly words, but it's worth checking yourself when you do use them.

Overall enjoyability - 11/15

I really did enjoy reading this and following the turmoil of the characters. The tone was good. You gave us heartbreak without making it angsty by creating characters that were strong and assertive enough to take action and deal with their problems. I think you really started playing emotions more strongly towards the more recent chapters which made for a more intense read.

Total Score - 78/100