If Only...
Stay With Me
Victoria is an independent girl. Leaving her family to pursue her dreams taught her to be strong and to endure. To not complain and only be thankful for the things coming her way. As an idol in a foreign land, it is a hard life indeed. But she never gives up.
She rarely cries or complains. Even her group and friends seldom sees her not smiling. She's the one who usually encourages her members and is always bright and cheerful. She's always the positive type and would think that they are other much bigger problems in the world, that hard times are just tests and life will always go on.
But there are times, that she allows herself to endure. And this is one of those days.
Victoria watched herself from the training room mirror. "Why can't he like me too?", she asked herself. "Am I not nice and pretty?"
The silence around her engulfs her heart with sadness.
Only a few of her friends knows of her feelings towards Changmin. To be exact, she can count it on her fingers: Kyuhyun, Zhoumi and Amber. She's always careful because she doesn't want it to be complicated.
Yes, she is close with Changmin. And it's sad because he only thinks of her as a friend, a close friend. And that's where her place will always be. To be on his side, to support and encourage him. She will never be the girl who can touch his eyes and kiss his face.
She looked at her reflection and saw so much sadness and yearnng on her eyes. She closed her eyes and thought, "It's okay Qian. It's not so bad. At least you get to still be with him. That's enough."
She leaned her head on the glass and stayed there for awhile, allowing herself to endure the hurt. To feel her chest let out a heavy sigh. Just this time, she wants to be comforted, and be hugged. To cry because, yes it is okay to cry. One can only hold so much.
She tried to ignore her feelings everytime Changmin walks in a room, or whenever she sees him practicing, or even on the backstage. But it takes a lot of effort to ignore him. Her heart would always beat so fast that leaves her breathless. She would even walk away just so that others wouldn't notice.
She sometimes asks, "Why him?! Why does it have be him? Why can't it be Nichkhun or others who are not in SM? This would have been so easy."
But again, there's no answer.
Her eyes remained closed. Her shoulders sagging. As much as she wants to cry, she doesn't let her tears fall. She still doesn't wanna give up. This is a test for her. And she won't allow herself to fail.
She straightened up and took a deep breath. She fixed herself and forced a smile to her face. "Don't give up Qian. Be strong. Just like always."
She turned and found herself looking into the eyes of Changmin. He was standing by the door and was looking at her curiously. She didn't hear him. Darn! She was too preoccupied with her self pity.
She cleared her voice.
"Changmin-ah, what's up? Sorry I didn't hear you enter."
His head inclined. "Are you okay Qian? You look pale", he asked worriedly while walking towards her.
He stopped in front of her and put his hand on her chin to check her face. He touched her forehead and her neck. "Are you sick?"
Victoria moved away from his touch and gave a small laugh. "Max, I'm fine. Just a bit tired. That's all. Anyway, what are you doing here?", she asked, changing the topic.
Her chin and neck still burn from his touch.
"I just wanted to ask if you wanna go home. I'll give you a ride."
No, I don't wanna sit on a car with you beside me, Victoria thought. I wouldn't be able to concentrate.
Changmin continued to look at her, waiting for her answer.
"Sure! Let me just grab my things".
After all, she is still a girl. A girl who would take all her chances to be with the guy that she loves.
Changmin beat her to it and walked on the bench to grab her bag. "Is this all? I'll carry it, don't worry."
Max, please, don't do this, Victoria pleaded silently. Don't make this hard for me.
"Hey, it's okay. I can carry the bag," Victoria insisted. She tried to grab her bag but when she looked at Changmin's eyes. It was glaring down at her.
"Fine. You carry the bag. Whatever." Victoria gave up.
***
Victoria didn't notice that they have already arrived at the cabin. Halfway on the drive towards her apartment, Yunho called Changmin and invited him to come to the vacation cabin for a dinner celebration for Boa's homecoming from Japan. Changmin said Victoria is with him and Yunho became even more excited and ordered him to come.
Victoria was silent the whole trip and pretended to sleep. She doesn't trust herself to speak up especially that there's only the two of them in the car. It's not as if this is the first time driving with him, it's just that this is one of those days that Victoria can feel the weight of her feelings.
***
The cabin belonged to Boa-unnie. It's settled on the beach in a secluded property and everytime that she's in Korea, she always stays there and sometimes invites them for a dinner or stay over. Boa-unnie just came back from Japan for a 3 month promotion. Kangta-oppa wasn't able to make it because he was suddenly not feeling well. And Ara-unnie got a surprised schedule. So it was just 4 of them.
Great, just great, Victoria thought. Her night will be filled with self pity while watching the lovebirds play. Yunho-oppa and Boa-unnie have been together for a few years now. Everyone wants a relationship like them. Even Victoria.
She sat back and took a sip with her wine while stealing a glance to Changmin. He's happy. She can see it in his doe eyes. And his laughter is crackling on the entire cabin. She can't help but wish that this is a real double date. If only...
She remembered that she needs to call her Mother. She excused herself and walked outside on the porch. It was a lovely night. The sky is filled with twinkling stars and the wind feels so good on her face. The sound of the waves gives a calming effect on her, or was it the wine?
She took her phone and proceeded with calling her Mom. As much as possible she calls her every day but sometimes due to busy schedule she wasn't able to.
Her nightly call with her mom is like a therapy. With all the fame around her, hectic schedule and lovelife blues, her mom would always make her feel better. Just hearing her voice soothes her. She just knows the right words to say. She can never hide her true feelings from her. Somehow even if she tried to, her mother would always know. And Victoria misses her so much.
"Mommmm...," Victoria greeted sadly.
"Oh Honey, how are you? Are you sick?", her Mom asked worriedly.
"No, Mom. I'm just a bit down today. But I'll be fine. How are you? How's Dad?"
"Dad is fine. He's now resting because he's also tired from work. Well honey, don't overwork yourself okay?"
Victoria nodded. "Yes Mom. I miss you..."
"Oh baby, I miss you more. Hang in there okay? I know you have a busy and tiring schedule but don't ever forget to get enough sleep and to take your vitamins."
Victoria can't help but smile. She never gets tired of her Mom's advise. She knows her Mom is sad that she can't go home more often but she makes sure that their phone calls are always worth it.
"Mom?" Victoria asked after a while.
"Yes hon?"
"I just wonder... will a person ever know that that guy is the one for her? That he is worth waiting for?"
"Qian, there are times when we can't explain why some things happen to us. Why love is easy for others but very hard on some. Sometimes, you would think that you're unlucky and jinxed. But honey, only you would know if he is worth fighting for. If he is worth your love and effort."
Victoria felt the tears building. "Mom, I think he already is."
"Then face it honey. Embrace it rather than dodging or denying it. It's gonna be hard but you will be fine. You know why? Because I know how much you value the friendship that you have with Changmin. And I know you will always protect it."
"Mom what if... what if I'll just let him know, let go and move on. Woudn't it be an easy path?"
"It isn't always about the escape route Qian. Not just in love but in living one's life. It's about learning and accepting. After that, you will learn to endure and move on. It's about facing everything and not running away from it."
"Oh Mom, I wish it's that easy."
"It's not always easy honey. Just don't ever forget that your Dad and I are always here for you okay? And we miss you so so much."
Victoria smiled. As always, her Mom gives the best advice. "I miss you both. And thank you so so much Mom. I feel better now."
"Anytime Qian. I love you."
"As I love you Mom. Goodnight. Take care."
They ended the call and Victoria feels much better now. Dear God, she prayed, please take care of Mom and Dad. Thank you.
She went to the stairs and sat down on the top step while watching the waves. She remembered what her Mom said. It's about facing everything and not running away from it.
I guess, I'm stuck with my feelings for him, Victoria thought. Ajah! Whatever happens, happens.
Little did she know, that Changmin is standing in the doorway, observing her. She's been a bit preoccupied today. She was silent in the car and her eyes doesn't seem to glow like usual. He wanted to ask if she has a problem but decided against it. Victoria's the type who would open up when she's ready. She's independent and a strong-willed person. And Changmin admired her for that. He wishes that she would run to him whenever she feels down or tired. That she would tell him of her worries. Instead, she would usually run to Kyuhyun or Zhoumi. And Changmin would only know about it from them. Yunho and Boa knows of his feelings towards Qian. And they would encourage him to speak up and open it up with her. But he is wary. He's scared that he might loose the relationsip that they have now. Scared that she might distance herself from him.
How he wish he's the guy who can touch her eyes and kiss her face. The guy who would hold her and whisper things to her to make her feel better. Instead he's the good friend, who stays by her side and supports her through and through.
He looked at the sky, it was bright filled with stars. He silently prayed that they give him the courage and strength now.
And as he walked towards Victoria, he braced himself to the greatest confession that he will ever make.
***
Here you go guys! I'll try to write the next and last chapter this weekend. :)
Please, comments are always welcome.
Thank you! :)
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