Pretty much in her whole life, Im Yoona had never been sure of anything. Honestly, she did not know what she wanted to be, at first. When she first auditioned at SM, she was just doing it for fun. She did not expect to be accepted. When she became a trainee, she was not sure if she was able to debut. She lacked in a lot of things, compared to the other trainees. She did not expect to debut as one of the member from Girls’ Generation. When she debuted, she was not sure if the group would be able to succeed. She did not expect Girls’ Generation to be a big hit.

If there was one thing Yoona was sure of, her life . After being abandoned by her mother at such a young age, she started to be depressed. She hid her feelings very well, though. She did not want her father to be worried about her. She did not want her sister to fuss over her. She wanted to try to be independent.

What she did not know was she would end up being very lonely.

She pushed people away when they were just trying to show concern to her. She faked a smile to others when they asked her if she was all right. She put up a front, acting like she was so goddamn happy when she was so miserable.

Soon enough, she realized that she was very lonely.

Her other members had tried talking to her but she waved them off, saying that she was just tired. They tried to get her join their girls’ activities but she declined their offer, saying that she wanted to rest. She knew that she was slipping away from everyone. She knew that she was drawing a line between her and others. What could she do? She could not help but push people away when they were just trying to display their concern.

Nobody would expect this but Yoona wanted to die.

In her opinion, death was so much better. There had been times when she felt like going to the kitchen, get a knife, cut her vein and let her blood flow out until there was no more blood left. There had been times when she felt like jumping off a building.

She did not do that, though.

Girls’ Generation would be over if the media found out that a member had killed herself.

She was just tired. She wanted to run away from everything. She wanted to end her suffering. She did not want to feel pain anymore.

She desperately wanted to escape.

The music inside Siwon’s house blared loudly. Some idols were dancing on the dance floor to the beat of the music. Others were holding a glass of alcohol while chatting. Some even made out on the seats. Cheers could be heard on the dance floor when Hyoyeon, Eunhyuk and Taemin were having a dance battle.

SMTOWN was celebrating Girls’ Generation win at YouTube Music Awards. The girls’ I Got A Boy had won the video of the year. Murmurs of congratulations had passed around throughout the night. Yoona had wanted to skip the party, knowing that it would be very noisy but it would give her a bad name. She was part of Girls’ Generation, after all, and the Super Junior members had organized this party just for them, inviting other SM Artists, too.

So she found herself faking a smile, while wearing some casual clothes as this was not a formal party, while people said congratulations to her and the other members. She found herself faking her enthusiasm when people asked her to dance. She found herself faking her laughter when people joked around.

Even though she felt happy for winning that award, a part of her wished that they did not win the award. Winning the award was an honor for them but she did not want to gain more anti-fans. She already had enough. They already had enough.

But that did not mean she was not thankful.

She really was touched and thankful. It was just her personal opinion.

The anti-fans’ comments truly had hurt her. She did not always read their comments but when a bunch of ‘congratulations’ letters were sent to them, she had to read all of them as a sign of gratitude. She did not expect that some of the so-called congratulations letters were actually written by anti-fans.

By the time it was midnight, Yoona decided that she needed a break from pretending. She left Siwon’s house for a short while and went to sit on the lawn of his house. She took in a deep breath and stared at the night scenery.

The full moon was beautiful from afar but she knew that if people were to land on the moon, they would realize that the moon was not as beautiful as they think it was. She could relate to the moon. The fans thought of her as gorgeous but if only they knew how scarred she was, would they still have the same opinion?

Lost in her own thoughts, Yoona did not realize that someone had sat next to her. She realized his presence only after he spoke. “What are you doing out here? Aren’t you supposed to be inside the house, enjoying yourself?”

She turned around and was faced with a guy who had similar eyes as her. She wanted to flash him a fake bright smile but suddenly, she was just tired of pretending. She let out a soft sigh. “I need a break. It’s too noisy inside,” she replied quietly.

The two of them stared at each other for a little while, trying to know what the other was thinking. They were quite close but not close enough to tell the other anything about their own personal lives. After a moment, Luhan broke the silence between them. “It’s obvious, you know? Your smile is not genuine. Your laughter sounds forced to my ears. Your enthusiasm is too much. You’re not happy,” he said gently. He placed his hand over hers. “Is there anything wrong?”

Maybe it was the alcohol that she had consumed earlier. Maybe it was just the romantic theme of that night. Or maybe she was just tired. She did not know. She let her guard down that night. “I’m just tired. I’m just tired of everything. I feel like running away. I feel like cutting myself, sometimes,” she whispered hoarsely.

As soon as Luhan heard what she had said, he immediately gripped her arms tightly. His eyes were filled with something like despair. He was trembling slightly. “Don’t, Yoona. Don’t you ever self-harm. It’s not worth it. Trust me,” he said sternly. His gaze was piercing her eyes.

Yoona let out a bitter laugh. How dare this guy say that to her? What did he know, anyway? He did not feel what she did. He did not understand the pain that she was going through. He did not know her desperation to escape from her suffocating life. “What do you know about cutting?” she challenged, her eyes staring back at him defiantly.

“I’ve done it before,” he stated simply. “It just makes your life in danger. I know how you feel. So please don’t ever do that. I don’t want anyone to face the same thing as me.”

To say that she was shocked was an understatement. She was appalled. She never expected Luhan - the quiet nice guy - out of all people, to self-harm. “I’m sorry,” she apologized. Guilt began to rise on the pit of her stomach. She should have known better than to judge others. Just because they put up a strong front did not mean they were not broken and scarred. She was one of those types of people, after all.

“It’s not your fault, Yoona,” he assured.

The guilt did not go away, though. “You know, sometimes I wonder if anybody will care if I die. Will anybody cry? Will anybody grieve over my death?” she told him. “Who am I to them?”

“I will care,” Luhan said simply.

The simple words actually touched her heart, though. Tears formed at the back of her eyes and she blinked them away. Suddenly, she wanted him to know what she had been going through. She wanted to let everything out to him. She wanted him to comfort her. She did not mind him displaying his concern for her. She knew that he was sincere.

“Just promise me one thing, Yoona,” he murmured. “Promise me you will never cut or commit suicide.” His eyes were filled with pain and desperation. He was pleading her not to do the same mistake as he did.

Suddenly, Yoona did not want to tell Luhan anything. She did not want to burden the guy with her problems. Luhan already had enough to deal with. She did not have to add on to his problems.

“I won’t do that,” she gave him her word. “I promise.”

She did not know if she would keep the promise, though. She was on the verge of breaking, after all.

Yoona soon learned her lesson, though.

She and the other members were working except for Seohyun, that day. Seohyun was sick so her schedules had been cancelled. Around eight at night, their schedules had finished and their manager sent them to the dorm.

Unlocking the door of the dorm, the members immediately rushed in. Sooyoung and Hyoyeon were raiding the kitchen for food as they were famished. Taeyeon and Sunny were changing into more comfortable clothes in their room. Tiffany was rushing to the toilet as she badly needed to use it. Yoona, Jessica and Yuri were lounging on the couch while watching the television.

It was a normal thing for them. Loud chatters could be heard until a scream interrupted their conversations.

Sobs could be heard after that.

Everybody rushed to where the scream was coming from – the toilet. “Tiffany, what happened?” one of the members – Yoona did not know who – asked.

As soon as they arrived in the toilet, chaos erupted. Tiffany was crying. Taeyeon was ordering them to get out of the toilet. Hyoyeon was rushing to the telephone to dial the hospital. Yoona just stood there, dazed. She could not believe the sight in front of her.

Seohyun was lying on the floor of the toilet with a bleeding left wrist, unconscious. The blood continued to flow out. Her right hand was holding a penknife.

She could not believe it. Everything felt so surreal.

Soon, the ambulance arrived and Seohyun was brought to the hospital. Taeyeon and Sunny went with the ambulance while the others quickly washed up.

By the time Yoona had finished washing up, the reality of Seohyun self-harming hit her hard. Tears rushed to her eyes and she began to sob uncontrollably. She did not know that Seohyun was depressed. She did not know how miserable the youngest was. She always thought that Seohyun was a strong person. She did not expect Seohyun was actually fragile.

Seohyun was a lovely girl with a bright future in front of her. She was cheerful even though there were times when she was being an annoying health freak. Yoona did not expect Seohyun to face the same thing as she did.

Yoona cried even more when she realized that she was too caught up in her own misery that she did not notice the signs. She was not a good friend. Nor was she a good sister. She was so selfish not to realize the reality from the beginning. She wanted to help Seohyun. But how could she – when she, herself, was actually depressed?

More tears began to stream down her cheeks.

Just like her, Seohyun was depressed.

Just like her, Seohyun wanted to run away.

Just like her, Seohyun wanted to escape from everything by cutting.

The only difference was Seohyun had already tried to escape while Yoona was still hesitating whether she should self-harm or not.

She already had her answer, though.

If this was how she felt when they found out that Seohyun cut, what would her family, friends and fans feel if Yoona cut or kill herself?

She swore to herself that she would never harm herself.

Since cutting and suicide was not an option, Yoona decided that she needed another way to escape her horrible life. The bad and nasty comments about her hurt her so much. She did not mean to read the comments but she was just tempted to know what people say about her.

They said that she was a plastic.

They said that she was talentless.

They said that she was overrated.

They said that she was hogging the spotlight.

They said that she could not sing.

They said that she was ugly.

They said that she was a .

They said that she was better off dead.

She was hurt by those words. But this time, she did not cry herself to sleep like she usually did. Instead, she was furious with those anti-fans. What the hell did those antis know about her life? What did they know about what she was going through? What did they know about her hardships? What did they know about how hard she was working to prove to everyone?

Bastards, she thought to herself. They are es who don’t know anything about my life.

She was shaking with fury by then. Her heart was burning with anger and she felt that she needed to kill someone. She dug her nails into her palm. Crescent moons began to appear on her palm.

Who were they to judge her when they did not even know her? Who were they to say bad things about her when she had never done anything wrong to them? What was her fault? What had she ever done to deserve their hatred? She was only trying her best in everything.

She looked at the clock. It was ten at night. Switching off her laptop, she immediately got dressed to leave the dorm. She put on a normal pair of jeans and long-sleeved white T-shirt that reached her thighs.

Leaving her room, she went to the kitchen to drink some water to quench her thirst. Yuri was sitting on a chair in the kitchen, doing something with her phone. The older girl looked up and raised her eyebrow questioningly at the younger’s outfit. “Where are you going, Yoona?” she asked.

Yoona just shrugged. “Somewhere,” she muttered coldly. She placed the glass in the sink after she finished drinking. She decided to wash the glass later.

“Where are you going, Im Yoona?” Yuri demanded this time. “It’s late and dangerous. You should stay at home.”

“What I do is not your business,” Yoona snapped. She was about to leave the kitchen when the older girl stood up to block her way. “Move,” she ordered, clenching her jaw. She glared at Yuri menacingly, showing that she really meant it.

“Not until you tell me where you’re going,” Yuri insisted stubbornly. Her gaze was just as strong and firm as Yoona’s.

The younger girl took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She leaned closer to Yuri and sneered, “Do you think I’d tell you? No, I’m not telling. Now, you can move and act like you haven’t seen me when the manager asks or I can push you and you can rat out on me to the manager. Pick one of them.”

Yuri looked at the younger girl with a hurt expression. I was just trying to be concerned, her eyes said.

I don’t need your concern, Yoona’s eyes said back. It was ironic how Yoona pushed people who were concerned about her away when she actually craved for concern. She did not want them to know what she was going through. She did not want to trouble others. She did not want to appear as weak and vulnerable to others.

After a few moments, Yuri moved away at last. Feeling satisfied, Yoona immediately left the kitchen and went out of the house after putting on a pair of sneakers, leaving a hurt Yuri behind.

A few minutes after Yoona had gone downstairs, guilt began to fill her heart. She should not have snapped at Yuri. Yuri was only trying to be nice to her and yet she had pushed the older girl away. Tears filled her eyes. How many times had she hurt someone just because she did not want them to know what she was going through?

Her heart began to ache again. Yoona stopped walking. She placed her right hand over where her heart was supposed to be and applied pressure in order to lessen the pain. Her left hand gripped on the railings of the staircase tightly.

Oh God, it hurts so much.

The hole inside her heart hurt so much. Tears began to fall.

She desperately wanted to escape. She wanted to run away from everything. The world would be better off without her. The world would become a better place if she did not exist anymore. When would she stop feeling this ache inside her heart? When would she be happy?

“Yoona?” a voice uttered her name weakly as if the person could not believe that the person in front of him was her.

The said girl looked up with tears still rolling down her cheeks, blurring her vision. She wiped the tears away and her vision immediately cleared. “Luhan,” she acknowledged in the same tone as him. “What are you doing here?” She sniffed and wiped her tears that had fallen again frantically.

The guy just stared at her. He took a step closer to her and Yoona stiffened. He reached for the girl’s hand but she pulled away quickly. Yoona saw a wave of hurt flashed in his eyes.

“I don’t need your concern,” she snapped, not bothering to wait for his answer to her previous question. “Now, if you would please excuse me, I have somewhere that I need to go to.” With that, she left Luhan alone and ventured into the cold night. She walked briskly, wanting to escape from Luhan. She felt so embarrassed when he had seen her crying.

She was supposed to be the bright girl. She was supposed to be the playful girl. It hurt her pride that someone had seen her vulnerability. Gritting her teeth with anger at herself, she walked even faster. She did not want Luhan to know what she was going through. He already had enough problems.

Suddenly, someone held her hand and pulled her so that she would turn around. Shocked by the sudden jerk of movement, Yoona almost lost her balance. Luckily, the guy held her arm to steady her.

“I’m sorry, Yoona,” the guy who had seen her vulnerability apologized. “I didn’t mean to… do whatever I did that you didn’t like me to do just now.”

Yoona looked at him, confused. Why was he apologizing? Logically, she was the one that was supposed to apologize for being rude to someone who was only trying to care for her. She just stood there, staring at him, speechless.

At last, her shoulders sagged. Tears began to form in her eyes again. The ache began to dig deeper in her heart. It hurt a lot. She was tired of pushing everyone away. She was tired of pretending to be happy. “I just want to escape from everything, Luhan,” she whispered tiredly. “I always end up hurting people that I love. I always end up screwing everything up. People hate me. They loathe me to the extent that they want me dead.”

“I have anti-fans, too, remember?” the guy responded gently. He shook her arm gently. “Look at me, Yoona.” The girl stared at her shoes with tears still in her eyes.

“I feel so ashamed. I see that everyone has their own ways to escape while me? I’m still considering suicide but I don’t want to hurt anyone. Besides, I don’t even have enough guts to do it. I want to die, Luhan. But I’m afraid of dying.” She looked up into his eyes. She let out a bitter laugh. “I’m pathetic, aren’t I?”

Luhan did not say anything to that. He just took out his iPod and earphones. He plugged one of the earphones into her ear while the other in his. The two of them stood in the middle of the pavement while listening to the song on his iPod. The song was in English and Yoona barely knew the words.

When the chorus came, though, her tears started to fall again.

I just wanna scream and lose control.
Throw my hands up and let it go.
Forget about everything and runaway, yeah.
I just wanna fall and lose myself.
Laughing so hard, it hurts like hell.
Forget about everything and runaway, yeah.

“This is how I escape, Yoona,” Luhan said softly.

Yoona decided that she would use the same method as Luhan to escape from everything.

Luhan’s method did not work on her, though. For the past one month since the incident with Luhan happened, she had been listening to Avril Lavigne’s Runaway whenever she felt stressed out. She put it on loud volume and the music rocked the whole dorm, receiving complaints from the other members.

The only one who appreciated the music was Seohyun as the girl was facing the same thing as Yoona. They would listen to it countless of times. A month ago, when the incident regarding Seohyun happened, all of them had decided to lie to the manager, saying that it was an accident. They said that Seohyun’s wrist had grazed something sharp enough to make her bleed.

Luckily, the manager had believed them. Ever since that day, the members had been especially careful around the youngest. They did everything to make her happy. They even ate unhealthy food secretly just to make the girl happy and pretended to eat healthy food in front of her.

Yoona noticed that the girl’s condition had improved greatly. Seohyun seemed to be much happier. The youngest seemed to smile more often and she had returned to normal. As much as Yoona was relieved that the girl was getting better, a part of her wished that Seohyun would not get better. She wanted the youngest to face the same thing as she did so that she would be able to have a friend – so that she would not be alone.

Whenever she felt that way, guilt would rise and she would feel disgusted at herself and hated herself even more for wishing that.

One day, Yoona finally snapped.

They were supposed to film a commercial that day in the afternoon. The filming set was noisy. The other members were letting the make-up artists put on make-up on them. Some were changing into the assigned clothes. The rest were waiting for the others to finish dolling up.

Yoona was sitting on a chair in the changing room. She, along with Sooyoung and Taeyeon, was done dolling up. She was waiting for the others to finish. While waiting, she decided to re-watch the past concerts that Girls’ Generation had performed to reminisce the memories. That was when she accidentally read an anti-fan’s comment about her.

She was supposed to be used to it. She was supposed to ignore it. She was supposed to act like it did not affect her. Hell, this was not supposed to affect her at all. A wave of hurt coursed through her. Why should she care about what people said about her? They did not matter to her, anyway.

Just as she was about to switch off her phone, a text message came in. It was amazing how one text message could totally change her mood. It was from her sister.

Yoona, I know you’re busy but I need you to come home ASAP. Mum has come back to live with us. We need to discuss this family matter.

Seeing the text message, Yoona instantly felt drained. Tears lurked at the back of her eyes but she refused to give in to the need to cry. Why did her mother come back after all these years? Why did her mother come back when she no longer craved for motherly love? Why now? Why didn’t she come back when she still needed her mother?

With shaky fingers, Yoona quickly switched off her phone and stood up to leave the room.

“Yoona, where are you going?” Taeyeon asked, alarmed, as soon as the younger girl stood up.

“I need to use the facility,” the younger girl lied smoothly. She exited the changing room and smiled at some of the staff so that they would not be suspicious.

She needed to get away from everything.

She needed to run away.

After casting fake smiles and stating that she needed to go to the toilet, she successfully managed to leave the filming set. She rushed into her car, her high heels slowing her down slightly. She took out her purse and fished out her car keys. After unlocking the door, she entered her car and locked it quickly. Without thinking twice, she put her key in the ignition and drove away.

She knew that she would most probably get scolded later. She knew that she was going to be punished later but she did not care. She badly wanted to run away from everything. At first, she wanted to go back home to deal with the problem but then, she decided that she would have fun by herself, not thinking about her problems. She could go anywhere she wanted – even Busan, right now.

She put on her shades and just drove away, not caring about the consequences. She would face the music later. Right now, she would let everything out.

She switched on the radio and put in on a very loud volume. She sang along to the lyrics. This was freedom. She could sing off tune if she wanted. She could make mistakes in singing and no one would reprimand her. She could make some errors in the lyrics and no one would care.

At first, she drove around without a destination in her mind. Soon, she decided to go to Hongdae to have fun by herself. She tossed her phone to the back seat and laughed freely. The glee she was feeling was getting into her head. She was drunk with happiness and freedom. It had been a long time since she last felt this way. She could not believe that she had managed to escape.

She switched off the radio and got out of her car with a smirk of victory on plastered on her face. She knew that her escape was temporary but she should make full use of it and forget everything else. She would be selfish just for once and focus on making herself happy. She had gotten rid of her guilt when she left the filming set, anyway. She could do whatever she wanted.

After locking her car, she headed to Da Vinci Café first. She bought a cup of coffee as a takeout. After she had finished drinking the coffee, she went straight to the karaoke room, wanting to let out all the emotions she had been feeling. She sang alone even though the staff was looking at her as though she was crazy.

Well, she had paid for the room. She could do whatever she wanted.

She sang until her voice became hoarse, not caring if it was off tune. She sang her heart out until she burst into tears due to the feelings that she felt. By the time she was done, her make-up was smudged and her eyes were swollen. But it was okay. Nobody could see her red swollen eyes, anyway.

It was three in the afternoon now. She looked around the Hongdae area, trying to look for something to do. At last, she decided to eat at a restaurant first before continuing her activities. She entered a fancy restaurant and ordered as much food as she wanted. Her manager was not there to nag her about diet, anyway. Besides, she was starving from the diet the company had made her go through.

After getting her stomach filled, she decided to play games in the arcade before watching a movie. For her grand finale, she decided to go shopping and buy as many things as she wanted.

By the time she was done letting out her stress, it was eight at night. She placed her shopping bags at the boot of the car. Then, she entered her car. She contemplated whether she should return home or return to the dorm. After a moment, she decided to return to the dorm. She was exhausted, after all. She would deal with her mother tomorrow. Before she could drive away, she noticed her phone that she had left behind on the backseat.

She reached out for it and switched it on.

A wave of guilt washed over her as soon as she saw that she had eighty-three missed calls and about a hundred texts. She hesitated for a moment. Should she call them back? Or should she just explain everything later?

She decided to choose the latter one. There was no use explaining to them why she ran away by phone.

She immediately switched off her phone once again.

As soon as she entered the dorm, everyone turned to look at her. She had taken off her shades and had decided not to bring her shopping bags in. Soon, she was bombarded with questions. She looked around and saw that almost every SM artist was there with worried expressions on their faces. She swallowed down her guilt.

“Explain about where you’ve gone to, young lady,” her manager at last said firmly, successfully getting everyone to keep quiet. Everyone peered at her curiously. But only one person caught her attention, though.

Luhan just looked amused at the situation. His eyes met hers and at that moment, Yoona knew that Luhan knew.

Seconds ticked by and she still had not said anything. She hesitated. Should she tell them the truth or should she just lie?

She closed her eyes tightly. “I’m sorry,” she muttered at last. She opened her eyes and looked directly into her manager’s eyes. “I ran away.”

Murmurs of shock filled the room and instead of worried gazes, people were staring at her angrily now.

“Im Yoona, do you know how much trouble you’ve gotten us in?” Taeyeon screeched. “We had to reschedule the commercial because you freaking ran away! We had to endure the criticisms from everyone for being such a trouble to them! We had to lie through our teeth, saying that you were suddenly sick and could not film today!”

Yoona turned to look at Taeyeon in shock. “I said I am sorry,” she snapped. “Just tell me what my punishment is already and skip the preaching!”

“Sorry isn’t enough, Yoona,” Hyoyeon said as she stood up. She crossed her arms over her chest. “You’ve caused a very big trouble for us. What if the media finds out that you had actually run away on the day of filming your commercial? What would people say?”

The younger girl just kept quiet.

“What if the company cancels the commercial with us and lets others film it for them? Would you take responsibility for the money we’ve lost, then?” Jessica voiced out her thoughts.

“You’ve made us worried sick, you know that? We called you numerous times and you didn’t even answer!” Sunny shouted at her. “The least you could do was call us back and make us stop worrying!”

“Fine, I’m sorry!” Yoona shouted back with tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry for being such a trouble to all of you! I’m sorry for running away just like that! I’m sorry for ignoring your calls! I’m sorry for making you worried sick! I’m sorry, okay?” She took in a deep breath. Her voice cracked slightly as she said, “But have you guys ever thought of why I ran away?”

With that, she turned around and left the dorm after her outburst.

Yoona ran up the stairs to the rooftop of the building where her dorm was. As soon as she arrived on the rooftop, tears had already started to fall. She wiped them quickly. She looked at the moon far above. Her heart began to ache again.

They will never understand, will they?

They did not know what she felt. They did not know what she had gone through. They did not know what was going through her mind. They did not even care enough to know. Did they even care in the first place?

The ache in her heart intensified.

All she wanted was someone to understand her. All she wanted was someone to love her. All she wanted was someone to care for her. Was it too much to ask for?

She was so damn lonely. She had no one. No one had ever been there for her. Well, they did try but she had pushed them away. They did not try hard enough, though. They believed her fake smiles. Weren’t they supposed to be able to distinguish her fake smiles and her real smiles?

Sure, she knew what she did was wrong.

But they did not bother asking why she had run away.

Why couldn’t anyone be on her side?

At least one person – that was all she asked for.

She let out muffled sobs. She sank to the ground slowly. She clutched the spot where her heart was supposed to be. The ache in her heart just never did go away. It had always been there ever since her mother had abandoned her. She wanted the ache to fill up. The ache hurt – a lot.

She could hear footsteps approach her from behind but she did not turn around. She did not want anyone to see her crying face. Besides, she already had an idea who the person was, anyway.

“Your method of escaping didn’t work on me, you know?” she said, her voice broke slightly.

The person just took in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. “I know,” Luhan said. “It didn’t work on me, too.”

That took her by surprise. She turned around and was faced with his sad doe eyes. Luhan was sitting behind her at such close proximity. “You understood why I ran away.” It was meant to be a question but it ended up being a statement.

Yoona hugged her knees to her chest as Luhan affirmed it, “I did understand why.”

“I just wanted to escape, Luhan,” she murmured while holding back her tears. “This life – this idol life – is so suffocating. I want everything to end. I want my suffering to end. I regret entering this idol world, Luhan. I truly regret it. It’s so damn hard. Other than that, it’s hard to deal with my family problems while dealing with this idol life.”

“We can never escape, Yoona,” he replied sadly. “The only way to escape is to die, Yoona. Do you realize that? If we die, we can never suffer again. We won’t have to face all of these. We will be free from everything that has been hurting us. We can finally be free.”

Yoona just stared at him with her eyes wide. “What are you trying to imply, Luhan?”

“You have a choice, Yoona,” the guy said quietly. “You can kill yourself and I will join you since you’re afraid to die. Besides, just like you, I want to die, too, but I don’t have the guts to do it. Or you can face your problems bravely and stop trying to escape with me by your side and I will face my problems bravely with you by my side.”

“The choice, Yoona, is in your hands.”

“Why are you doing this?” the girl asked, puzzled. “Why do you want to be there for me and why do you want me to be there for you? We’re not that close to share our troubles with each other.”

“We’re facing the same thing, Yoona. I understand you and what you feel. We’re both lonely but we won’t be if we have each other by our side. We can become closer in the future, anyway,” the guy explained. “So tell me your choice, Yoona.”

Yoona closed her eyes for a moment. Everything about her life passed through her mind. She remembered that she had hurt the people that she loved a lot. She made them worried. She made them cry. She remembered the tortured look on her father’s face after her mother had abandoned them. She knew how depressed her father had been but he still held on so that she and her sister would be able to live well.

Her father had always been there for her when her mother had abandoned her. Her father had helped her when she needed help. Her father had made sure that she was not alone to go through the hardship that she was facing. Her father was not only a father to her, but a mother to her, too. Now that her mother had come back, her father would surely have a hard time coping with it. And if she killed herself, she would add on to her father’s stress.

She did not want that.

She also remembered the happy memories with her other members. She remembered how depressed Seohyun used to be. If Yoona died, would Seohyun go back to being depressed? She did not want that.

Instead of thinking about the past, she decided to think about the future, now. She had vowed to be a good mother when she grew up. She should not break her vow. Just like the other girls, she also wanted to meet a good guy, fall in love and get married.

Don’t you want to escape, Im Yoona?

I do.

Then why are you still alive?

I don’t want to hurt anyone by killing myself.

You still hurt them when you’re living.

I can make it up to them.

What if Luhan leaves you, Yoona?

What if he stays by my side?

You’re weak, Yoona. You can’t face your problems.

Then, I’ll try my best to be strong. Luhan will be by my side no matter what, anyway.

Will he, really?

He’s trustworthy.

Is he, really?

I trust him.

Do you, really?

Yoona opened her eyes and looked into Luhan’s eyes. They looked into each other’s eyes for a moment. She could only see pure sincerity in his eyes. A small smile began to etch itself on her lips.

“I’m not ready to die, Luhan,” she said softly.

Yes, I do trust him. If he leaves me one day, I’ll just it up. It’s not like I am able to depend on him forever.

That night was the beginning of a new blooming friendship for them. Two souls who had always been lonely had found each other. Sometimes, people want to escape from everything by running away, by partying so hard, by self-harming. But don’t you realize if you escape, it will add on to your piles of problems?

Maybe, the only way to escape your problems is to face them or to die.

It’s your choice to pick one of them.

The choice is in your hands.

Author's Note:

Oh my God. I can't believe I wrote all of that. I'm sorry if it's crappy. I'm not used to writing this type of genre. Well, since this story means a lot to me, I will write a full analysis on the next chapter later. Be sure to read it as I want to clarify some things here. Do comment and tell me what you think.