Finally I let my last defensive wall falling down for Yifan and moved in with him. For many times I had excused him with reasons like I loved the dating phase of the relationship, I loved the feeling of missing him and vice versa. He didn't like it, I knew, I owed him big time for this. But honestly talking, I was scared. Then again, where dreams exist, there are nightmares. What left of me if one day he went away? It was too frightening to imagine, so I kept my last distance from him to embrace myself for the worst.

I saw Yifan in the hospital garden, sitting alone on a couch with his vision on the playground where some kids was making a fuss over an unknown thing. I looked at him from behind for a while before coming to take the seat beside his. In the vertical sunshine of the afternoon, wind kept blowing, birds kept singing, the Earth kept revolving and the only thing wrong was his shadow falling beside the crutches'.

It was extremely wrong. Yifan is too much of a strong - minded person to be like this. Devastated. Lost. Weary. The unfolding scene was unfamiliar, unacceptable and terribly heartbreaking to see.

"Why is the grass so green on the playground, Amber? Because I may never be able to run on it again. "

He said without looking at me, eyes red-rimmed and tears slowly fell. This was the first time I saw his tears. Something inside of me crumbled alongside with his broken wings. All I could do was just crying with Yifan and bringing him into my arms, trembling for the sobs he swallowed and for the games he never could take part in again.

This is so unfair. God knows he has been living with basketball since the age of four. It is his blood and sweats, his hope and dream, his past and present. Eventually the injury takes his future away. Why did it have to be him? I would more than willing to exchange with God for whatever he wanted to take it back for Yifan. But God didn't hear me praying.

Yifan is more content than the ordinary, playful and carefree guy he appears to be, who plans his life accordingly and tries non-stoppingly to achieve it. His life so far made me ashamed for being extreme with my family issue in the past. Because there's someone with prolonged psychological wound like him can keep cool attitude, what did I have to ruin my life for?

He told me matter-of- factly that he was adopted after his parents died in an accident. The Chinese - Canadian couple who took him under their wings seemed to be too nice and kind-hearted to happen in an orphan's life. He felt lucky at first before realizing, bit by bit, that he was no more than just the shadow of their own son who died young for a disease.

His mom had been really ill before he was adopted considering she couldn't absorb the fact that the real Kris had died. She kept lying to herself that Kris was going out for a summer camp no matter how hard her husband had tried to wake her from delusion. He noticed Yifan when making an charity event in Guangzhou Orphanage and decided to take him. For much to his disbelief, this kid was a copy of his son.

He had to learn English before moving to Vancouver and they named him after their son. Yifan lived like Kris Wu used to. He wore his clothes, ate his favorite food, went to his class and played the toys with Kris' name written on. Yifan was just a kid and at that time he didn't think much. It was just weird that his mom kept reminding of some memories he didn't belong to, talking about the places that he had never been to, showing him the pictures that he wasn't appeared in and complaining that he was such a gold fish to forget so many facts.

When he got a little older and more knowledgeable, dad called him out, bought him ice creams. He told the reason he adopted Yifan, and then he cried and apologized. Dad felt deeply guilty for making him live a fake life but at the same time, thanked him for keeping his wife stable. The old man begged Yifan to keep pretend to be Kris in front of his wife and he would owe this life to Yifan. The son was beaten with a mixture of surprise and disappointment. Though, they were the persons replaced his parents to raised him up. There was no other choice for him excepted for paying the favor, even by continuing the life Kris couldn't live.

"I was thirteen back then, I should have known that they loved me not because the Yifan I was, but because I was too perfect to be Kris. And Amber, at that time, I disgusted of myself for being too happy to live another one's life. I barely realized my old self falling into oblivion. For five years I hadn't spoken out a Mandarin word, almost forgot the details in my old house in homeland and even my blooded parents' faces were then just the foggy image in the corner of my mind."

Only one thing wasn't left behind, basketball and the games he had played with his father, a former player. That distributed the reasons he decided to pick up his dream to follow the father's career.

"Somewhat kept me the son of my father and the real nature I am. Undeniably I live to the fullest on the court."

Undeniably Yifan is at his coolest on the court, blazing in the games and triumphant growl of our team's supporters. Much beautiful and glorious of a vision to which I died to see again.

Yifan grew up to be an independent young man. Multiple of part-time jobs helped him to keep minimum financial catering from family before leaving high school with a fifty percent scholarship and a spot in the basketball team of our University. From Vancouver and with a little saving, he took a gap year and traveled around Canada, to LA and Seoul "to see the world" before settling in his hometown volunteering to teach basketball for his former orphanage for four months. Also he hoped to recollecting his childhood memories. That's why no matter how childish and dorky of a boyfriend he is occasionally, I always has to look up at and respect him to be the wiser one with cooler attitude and life style.

“So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”
―Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

For the past two years and a half, I havw always the one leaning on Yifan. In the first time we met, he shifted his eyes on me, unwavering and constantly. Even when I stared back at him, under the firm forehead line and bold dark eyebrows, his longing gaze wasn't wary a bit. There was so many things in his eyes told me he had something for me.

Nobody likes me in the first counter; either I look too rebellious or too boyish. Even I can not like myself. The fact that there was a man liked me so much that he couldn't take his eyes off me, no matter where we were, Yuu's or campus, somehow touched me to the tiniest fibers inside. Unlike his appearance of a womanizer, the way he showing his affection contained a little recklessness yet simplicity and honesty to which I couldn't help letting him come closer.

In the first night together, looking into his eyes, into the my reflection on his obs, for a second, I saw me so beautiful. Whether I was always beautiful or only through his eyes, I hardly knew but then and there I realized I fell in love with these eyes and their owner. I felt safe and connected with him, unlike with Myungsoo, my first boyfriend, where was virtually driven by teenage hormone.

Yifan sent me off to heaven and the moment my feet touched the ground, I was afraid. He was some kind of charm and going to dissolve into nothing the next second, wasn't he? My mask crumbled into millions pieces and I let him saw through me to the fragile part beneath where the tears I shed. Apparently it scared him a bit. Though, he didn't ask far. Knowing he didn't hurt me, he just held me tight against his chest, let his heart beats bring me to the sound sleep.

The next morning, he asked me to be an official part of him and from that day going on, I counted on Yifan. I counted on him, even when he drove me nut for being annoying and jealous over tiny things, even when I cried in the fear of losing him, even when he revealed his vulnerable side to me. Magically how just in several months, the once stranger was now close to you more than everybody in this world. He influenced me in the way nobody did and would able to. We fought, we shouted, we laughed and kissed. Everything happened just to deepen the bond between us. My inner used to be very troubled. But somehow, he gave me the solid belief that he is always there watching me and going to catch me when I fall. With it, I lived it up again in the strange land, without fear.

This time, Yifan fell and I didn't think much aside the mere urge to catch him. Tucking him in for a sleep, I drove to the dormitory where he shared with Zitao, a younger teammate. With a little help from Zitao, I moved all his stuffs to my apartment. Forgetting all about my selfish obsession and everything related, the only thing repeating in my mind was his shadow lonely falling on the ground. I had to keep him inside my embrace until he, literally and figuratively, stood back on his feet again.

It took him two week under medical care after the surgery, hopefully another two months to walk normally and three months with physical therapy to be able  to run and jump again. High tension activities like playing basketball were unbearable for his knee. Mr Shou generously gave Yifan a sick leave until he totally healed but he decided to quit the job at Yuu's. This was the second semester to the last at college and he didn't have much time left. Now that he couldn't finish plan A, the back up one needed to be figured. Yifan said it was not necessary but I canceled some papers, rearranged my classes' schedule to meet his and cut down my time with ZED, so that we could maximize the time being together and I could stay by his side throughout this long journey.

Sadness didn’t leave Yifan alone the first week off from hospital. It took a lot more to regain his spiritual strength. Although I prepared myself but considering how the energetic and athletic man my boyfriend used to be, it still hurt very bad seeing him struggled to take small steps, sleepless throughout the nights for the emotional and physical pain, and the sweats dropped for his tolerance instead of passion. It hurt him a thousand times more and he lost a significant weight. Yifan was exhausted in every definition of this word.

Many times I was afraid that I lost him there, that this pain consumed the positive man he used to be. He instantly got very sensitive, short-tempered and impatient with his condition and even with me. I just could hug him until his calmness came back, like the way he used to comfort me. This is not his personality, it is mine indeed. But shouting out his anger is way better for him than refraining. Then I realized how much patiently Yifan treated me earlier.

It made me tired sometimes which I tried not to show but Yifan knew it. Like usual, we were connected and I never needed to use verbal communication to let him know me. He kissed me longer, hugged me tighter, said he loved me more often and that wasn't all. My heart poured up with something fuzzy everytimes seeing my giant boyfriend cooking dinners in the kitchen because "Cooking is dangerous for Amber." and even washed the dishes because "Amber has to clean the whole flat." Of course he couldn't clean the flat but when the wound healed I was pretty sure he wouldn't let me. I never knew happiness happened this simply although sadly, temporary. For a while, all of my fears and sorrow were set aside in the hope of having him, having us, just like this, forever.

 I kept his company four days per week to University Hospital's Physical Center, and drove him here and there in the city for fresh air after that. Zitao and his teammates came to our house some weekends, filling up the place with silly jokes and laughter like Yifan never left the team. Our friends at Yuu's gathered more often for camping which was grateful and lovely to see it was for my boyfriend’s sake. To my expectation, as the determined individual he was, before Christmas, Yifan wrapped up the therapy and I could again see the gummy smile reaching his eyes. He made it. We made it, not only through his injury but also through many unexplainable barriers between us.

"I'm not so amused, Yifan. I told you my boyfriend could get over it from the start, didn't I?"

On the way out of the hospital, I planted a kiss on his cheek and grinned, slipped my hand  into his, intertwined, to let him know he did an incredible job. He gazed at me for a second, smirked interiorly before squeezing my hand and taking it into his coat pocket. I gasped in amaze to find a small box. It couldn't be what I was thinking of, could it?

Upon taking it out, he showed me the item inside. A tiny and sparkling thing.

“Happy our third anniversary, Amber!”

I cursed inwardly. How could I forget this? I even marked it in my journal, the 1096 ^th day we spent together. Yet, a ring was unbelievable and unexpected. 

“Y..Yifan, it’s … so beautiful!” I struggled to raise my voice despite of the complicated emotion tiding up in my chest.

“It's just silver and sapphire, your birthday stone. But take it the promise I make to you, that one day I'll buy you diamond and the stars if you want. As long as you're staying me, just like this, forever.”

He whispered, put the ring on my finger and kissed me, long. I found my tears dropped on the miracle he made on me. Yes, just like this, having him by my side is enough. That day, I silently made a promise to him that no matter how hard and suffering, I would fight for him.

Living together brought our love to the extent that it was very troubled to be separating no matter one minute or one hour, let alone the whole winter break. That year, we decided to spend the holiday together, at Vancouver for Christmas and at LA for my family's New Year party

At first I didn’t think I would like his mom, but she seemed to be a very nice woman. It was a little awkward for me to call him Kris and try to make random conversations with his mom. But looking at how she taking care of Yifan, I felt pity for Kris. He would be blessed to have a mother like her but God called him up to heaven so early. His dad, in another hand, was highly excited to see his son taking home a girl and a drummer by chance, saying he would take my side for whatever battles between me and Yifan later, to which earned a pity face from his mom.

“Poor Yifan, you lost your Dad to Amber.”

At that moment I thought I misheard or something but the woman did call her son Yifan. I asked him later on the flight leaving Vancouver. He kept quiet for a while before telling me his mom finally had woken up from her daydream. Since when he hardly knew but she did loved Yifan the way he was, her adopted son, and still continued to love him that way. The father and son were now relieved to which I was glad to see. Now I could see how time healed everything with a little help of love.

And so did the case of my family. For what happened with me and Yifan the last year, I saw Pa and Ma in a different angle and I understood them a little more. Marriage doesn't simply just love. It comes with a lot of troubles. I felt pity for them instead of hatred like seven years ago when Zoe died or three years ago when I made my way running away from them. It was very selfish and immature of me to have thought they didn’t love me and Zoe. In fact, responsibility is also a kind of love.

What kept them from divorce until then was solely for the sake of me, their last child. They should have broken up years ago if Zoe hadn’t died. But the circumstance would have been much worse for the fifteen years old me back then to have lost my sister and then a proper family. It was just I didn’t understand the way they loved me and I knew it tortured them inside. It softened my heart seeing Pa and Ma got wearier when aging marked its trace on them.

I made a heart to heart talk with Ma, for the first time since forever. The way her face lit up when talking about how glad she was to know I finally settling down with Yifan told me that she was not insincerely saying, that no matter what happened we were mother and daughter.

“Baobei, you know, it’s a little unqualified for me to talk about love and responsibility but as a mom, I have to. I see you’re serious about being with Yifan and I trusted your choice.  But Amber, young love doesn’t last very long, even when it comes to the point that you commit yourself in marriage. Either your love will ripe, or get rotten like mine and your Pa’s. I’m sorry I couldn’t stimulate a good example for you but Ma only wants to see you happy. It will be a tough journey. I hope you prepare enough and make it to the end. Even if you can’t, it's ok. Flaws make human human. Just come home and Ma is always here for you.”

She kissed me and I would love to have Ma like this, wise and open-hearted. I decided to let her know that I never wanted to be a lawyer and I would pursue the song-writing career. Yet I would still make it to the graduation so that they could set their mind at rest and release each other from this unhappy marriage. I told Ma to think about it.

Before the party, Yifan sneaked into my room and made a panicked face.

“Amber, did that Myungsoo made you cry very bad then?”

I was a little surprised, why did he come up with that topic again while the last time he complained how he hated all of my ex-boyfriends was about a years ago?

“Because your Pa threats to cut my balls if I won't behave. He tells me to ask Myungsoo for more details. Did it really happen?"

I couldn't stop laughing. Even if Pa disliked Myungsoo since we broke up but how could he make up this story? I stood up from the bed I was sitting on to cup his face. My boyfriend is just a cute piece of pie sometimes.

"Idiot, he pranked you. Myungsoo still keeps his balls, you can ask Jia tonight if you don't buy it. And just so you know, if you treat me bad I'll cut your balls before Pa does."

"No, you won't, Amber." He shook his best in disbelief and quick pecked me.

"Beware! You'll never know."

I kissed him back before he realized I was holding the ped dress with one of my hand. It was the long black strapless dress Jia sent me earlier for Christmas gift which she wanted to see me wearing in the party. Jia clearly made a good choice. The velvet dress was thigh splashed, simply beautiful and fit my curves perfectly excepted for the part. It was a little loose and I had better borrow Ma the secret weapon to make it stay properly. I didn't intend to let him see it before fully dressing up which was obviously failed because he was smirking, watched me in curiosity.

"What's this, Amber? Where did you get this from? I never saw you buy it and you said to never wear dresses."

"Jia gave me. Now get out, I have to prepare for the party. "

"Let me help you then.”

I blushed hard and tried to push him out but Yifan held my shoulders and stepped closer. I guessed he was going to hug me but I was wrong. Through my the reflection of my back on the vanity mirror, he tugged the golden zipper up before planting butterfly kisses along my left shoulder up to the side of my neck, the type of kisses that made my knees gone weak. Turning me across to face the mirror, he looked alluringly to our reflection and talked under his breath.

"Hey gorgeous, should I buy you more of these dresses? Because your collarbone was so flawless on it and I'm afraid this dress won't come out one piece after this night."

I knew my erted boyfriend long enough to know what would come up after this. Although he pulled the courage for me to wear this dress to the party, I had to chase him out before he did really transfer this joke to real action and I might not have a dress to wear.

"Shut up! Get out and call Ma for me. "

Ma proudly praised my dress matched very well with my Mr Charming' suit and we made a beutiful couple. Obviously Ma liked Yifan a lot and she dragged us around the hall to introduce to her guests. He is an eloquent young man and it was very funny to see him frustratingly surrounded with a bunch of middle-aged ladies. Yifan also got along well with my childhood friends. Before I dated Myungsoo, we were the three musketeers in the way exact like Jia once said "Friends aren't there to judge whether you do it right or wrong. They're there for a shoulder to cry on." 

The two of them settled in New York for Jia's editor education and Muyngsoo's career of a freelancer photographer where they made a “best friends to lovers” couple for almost a year. Much to my and Jia's amazement, despite of Yifan previous declaration, our boyfriends came up with a bromancehood when he found out Myungsoo was actually very interesting to talk to. The couple let me know about the wedding plan when Jia graduated next year. It was quite early to inform but they were very sure about it. Looking at the way they exchanging faith and hope in their eyes, I knew they would make a beautiful marriage. Myungsoo earned money with his job enough to buy a small apartment in New York and before dating, they had already experienced a decade of friendship to get to know each other. This made the party perfect. 

We came back from the vacation and continued our life the way it was. In a late afternoon Sunday, settling myself on the windowsill, I watched the winter waving it goodbye to the city. The reason I decided to rent this apartment was its stunning view to the harbor which varied by seasons but never failed to make me wonder, especially when watching in the sunset with a cigarette. It reminded me that I quit smoking when Yifan moving in since it was not good for his treatment. I changed a lot because of him and I knew I kept changing. The city also didn't stay the same throughout the years. The skyscraper building and the red painted bridge were not there when I moved in this place. The park in the left wing was replaced with a school and the downhill blocks were used to be yellow instead of pale blue. Then again I looked at my place. It seemed like nothing changed but it changed a lot indeed. Since the day he stepped inside this door.

Here was the kitchen table where he used to study with a pile of documents and text books, glasses on, messy hair, frown eyebrow and eyes glued to the laptop screen. There was the sofa where we watched TV,  my legs across his lap and eating ice creams together. And the lamb he fixed, his fluffed son Ace, the shelf with his books occupying a half, the silver ring he gave me. I moved my vision to his side of the bed where he was sleeping in the fading light of the day. Yifan would graduate in several months and these would be what he left of me. His sight in every corner, his smell on the sheet we shared, his eyes, his lips, his arms, his toes, his shirts...

I turned away, feeling a slight soreness in the eyes. I would miss him a lot but soon I would leave this town after my graduation and our town, our tiny flat, our campus and Yuu’s would be all just pieces of memories.

How about us? It was not too soon to seriously consider our future. It was quite frightening and many times I hid from confronting the problems. I thought of our parents, mine and his. Just like them, we can't be twenty something, young, poor and fearless forever. Eventually, our life comes in the form of career, daily pressure, or more critical, bankruptcy, disease and death. Will we gather enough love and courage to commit ourselves until the end like Yifan's parents? Will we be tired and neglected like Pa and Ma? Or will we not even there to begin the commitment where Jia and Myungsoo are?

"Were you so sad then, Amber, on the day of the forty-four sunsets?" (1)

I turned my head to the source of the voice. Yifan woke up, half lying with head on his arms. He seemed to look at me from behind for a while before asked me the question from the chapter 6th of my favorite book.  I used to though my boyfriend was very good at memorizing because he quoted perfectly many parts of the books I read to him, mostly my favorite.  Until I discovered he searched the books later to read them again. He said I had a sense of reading to cover the fact he read to know me better. Always so insightful and never failed to make me touched. 

"Not really, just thinking will it be so sad then without you." I left the window to crawl back to bed, cuddling in his embrace, searching for safety and warmth. 

"Why? Do you wanna leave me?" He stopped my hair, looking into my eyes with a ray of doubt and panic. We never really talked about these things.

"Yifan, how will our relationship after you graduate?" 

And he kept a long pause.  

(1) The Littel Prince (Le Petit Prince) - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

A/N: this chapter was finished very fast because I carried it around on my smart phone and wrote with Evernote. I miss Krisber badly T^T