Dear Kibum,
(Not) Another High School Romance
13-07-29
Dear Kibum,
Your cartoons are so good! They’re really good! Is the tall one supposed to be me?! Oh when I flip through the pages really fast it looks like you’re running after me! And I’m holding something… Not sure what exactly… Are you chasing me for that?! I didn’t even know you could draw so well! Why didn’t you tell me? It often seems like I don’t know anything about you, you’re such a mystery.
I think it’s y~
13-07-29
Dear Kibum,
Professor Jinki took me to meet the Minister of Education today! He was praising me so much I might have looked like a tomato then… You know I always thought government offices would be really boring from the inside, but I saw so many interesting people there! And the Minister himself is so cool, he made a joke about Star Wars! Can you imagine?! Star Wars!
It was a great first day at work, and at times I kept wishing you were there.
13-08-12
Dear Kibum,
I sprained my leg during football practice today. When I got back home from the lab I was limping a little, it was really painful. But I tried to hide it. I think hyung still saw through it, because he was staring at me during dinner… like he understood exactly how I’d gotten the injury. Like he’d seen many similar injuries himself when he was on the team. What will I do if he finds out?
I’m scared. What will Pa do to me if hyung tells him?
13-08-23
Dear Kibum,
Professor Jinki took me to dinner tonight. I could see the whole of Banghwa Bridge from where we were sitting! It was so beautiful! It’s like those sketches you draw in the back of your English textbook. You don’t know but I saw your doodles once when you were in the bathroom. We should go to that restaurant together someday, when we’re both grown up. I wish you’ll take me there on a date in the future.
It’ll be my treat~
“Choi Minho…”
He raised his hand to answer the attendance call. The laminate of his desk was cold, its steel frame colder. He scrunched into himself, hugged his elbows tight, the sweater under his uniform doing nothing to keep the cold off his skin. And while the rest of the class gossiped about the last episode of some drama on TV, Minho blinked at grains of wood; carved into by someone’s sharp compass here and scribbled over by someone’s pencil there.
He'd risked a look when he thought he wouldn't get caught. Kibum sat all the way in the corner of the class, leaning his head against the wall. On especially cold mornings like this one, Minho could be sure to find a scarf or an extra sweater carefully folded on his table before class began. Something he’d be bound to recognize from his time organizing through Kibum’s closet. But nothing of the sort greeted his eyes now and so he sat shivering in his chair as the teacher called out name after name. He wasn’t surprised, he’d predicted the expulsion.
“Kim Kibum…”
When there was no response, their class teacher thumped her hand on the table. “Be quiet everyone! Kim Kibum, where are you?” her sight swept the room, landing on him with a pointed glare. “Are you deaf?! Or are you too dumb to open your mouth?! You’re already the last of your class, can you not even answer a simple roll call anymore? Kim Kibum, I’m talking to you!”
“S-seonsaengnim,” Minho interrupted, and all eyes in the room turned to him. He stuttered before continuing to lie for the other, but he had to do this. It felt like he had a moral responsibility to protect Kibum now, because wasn't everything his fault? “He… he had an accident on his way to school today, he’s just hurt and a little shocked. I’m very sorry on his behalf.”
“Why?” the teacher raised an eyebrow as some of the students tittered and whispered. “Are you his caretaker?! Why can’t he say it himself?! Are you his retainer now?” She turned back to the boy, but with a slightly softer expression. “If you’re hurt you can go to the nurse. Come back in time for the next period, I will check.”
Kibum dragged himself out of his seat, tiredly tugging himself out with his hands in his pockets.
Logic dictated he cry. But Minho was nowhere near bubbling up and weeping like he had when he’d been asked to leave the internship. Either his mind hadn’t yet accepted that Kibum physically threw him out of his life last night, or he just didn’t care. Or maybe it was so much misery that Minho’s body was probably biding its time until it could break down in the middle of something completely tame and unrelated. The very thought of something like that happening was alarming, especially when he was around his family.
Despite what he’d said yesterday it wasn’t that Minho was completely against the idea of being with Kibum.
In the pages of his special notebook he'd spelled out dreams for a future he could divide into two with someone. Little visions of smiling faces and tiny scraps of distant laughter that would flash before his eyes in the wee hours of the morning, as he stretched and got ready for another day at school—another day of dragging his chair next to Kibum’s so they could share a textbook, another day of running out of class and onto the football field as soon as the recess bell rang. Another day of sitting with their thighs pressed together and their chopsticks clacking in a fight for the last slice of radish. Another day of reprimanding Kibum for playing drums on his desk or jumping onto his chair for an outrageous impromptu dance.
Another day on the backseat of a junky scooter while Kibum hummed an obnoxious old song on the way to the research lab. Another day of locking his arms around the other while affection teemed over their heads. Another day of waving goodbye before Professor Jinki saw his embarrassingly bold boyfriend blow him a flying kiss. Another day spent wishing Kibum was with him all the time, watching him from behind, smiling that they were alone in the same room without anyone raising questioning eyebrows.
With every memory Minho felt a new wave of cold slap over him and he felt like he could collapse from the cramp in his muscles..
Nothing he tried negotiating with now could heal the other, because no matter how many times Minho went over the words in his head, he knew he was right. Kibum was sweet to him, treated him with generosity and respect, ran to his help at every beck and call, sat through hours of pathetic driveling about someone else without a hint of jealousy. He was more than a best friend or a boyfriend to Minho. On a happier day Minho would've gone to the extent of saying that... that Kibum was his everything. But today was far from happy. Neither of them were in the best shape to consider sharing a life with each other right now... neither of them were good enough for the other right now.
So he only stayed quiet and distracted as they went over a new lesson in their Korean class, eyes watering from the drop in temperature, fingers breaching into full sleeves to lightly rove against rough strips of Band-Aid.
13-09-19
Dear Kibum,
We hardly get to eat together for lunch anymore. Are you busy somewhere? Woohyun said he doesn’t know either. I have to sit alone on our usual bench in the courtyard, and when I see other people laughing and talking with their friends it feels… lonely. I miss you even when you’re in the same city, maybe the same building. Do you ever miss me? You probably dont…
Are you avoiding me?
13-09-22
Dear Kibum,
I met a lawyer today. I thought lawyers are supposed to be really serious people but this one was really funny. He said he helped Professor Jinki protect his work from others, isn’t that kind of like a bodyguard? I think so. I want a lawyer too. And hey, if you decide to become an architect you’ll need someone to protect your designs too, right? Let’s both get a lawyer when we grow up.
We’ll share him!
13-09-23
Dear Kibum,
Jonghyun ssi texted me today morning. He said he was leaving and was sorry he couldn’t meet me in person once before. He said he had something important to discuss with me… with both of us. Did he talk to you? I wonder what it was. It mustn’t be anything important because I called him and his phone was switched off by then. Should I ask you about it…? I’ll ask you in school~
I hope he has a great time in college!
13-10-05
Dear Kibum,
I got to look inside the reactor again today! Have I ever told you about it before? It’s so cool. It’s actually called a segmented reaction chamber because there’s a lot of different segments, and one reaction takes place in each individual segment. There’ll be an aqueous medium for the fission. It’s like us when we used to make lots of new friends in the pool back in elementary school. Where did you go to school back then?
Hey, there are a lot of things about your past I want to ask you…
“Get lost…” Minho muttered from between his sheets. The door creaked shut and he relaxed thinking he was alone once more. But when footsteps ruffled over carpeting, he tightened his blanket around himself, hugging it to his chest like armor. It felt like he’d been in this position for days… maybe he had. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d stepped out of his room, skipping meals and skipping school. After Kibum threw him open like that, after he tumbled and collapsed and became vulnerable to every approaching attack, he needed all the protection and all the hiding places he could get.
“I only want to talk,” Minseok replied, stepping in without pause, dipping the mattress where he sat down. Usually they gave each other necessary space when things went downhill too fast or hit rock-bottom too hard. But his hyung was being far too persistent this time around. It irritated Minho, because wasn’t this exactly what the elder had wanted? Wasn’t this what he’d been hoping would become of Minho and Kibum’s relationship? Wasn’t he here to just gloat and say I told you so?
Which is why the sincere “I’m sorry” made him twist around in surprise.
The other sighed, apparently reading his mind like always. He awkwardly put his hand on Minho’s shoulder, patting it in what was supposed to be a comforting motion. “I know I said some really ugly things about you guys but… I’m sorry you’re hurting. I wish I could do something to help with that,” he consoled. “I’ve uhh... I've told Ma and Pa you aren’t feeling well enough to go to school today either so..." he paused with his mouth pursed, then tutted. "Look, I know you were together for… a long time.”
“Nine months,” Minho interjected, burrowing his head back into his favorite pillow, which didn't really feel very comforting right now.
“Yeah. And I know that facing each other or going back to being alone after that is difficult but—”
“No,” Minho insisted. “No, you don’t know. You don’t know what I’m feeling right now. You don’t know why I’m not going to school or to work or to practice. You don't know what it's like to want to bury yourself deep somewhere and never come out in front of the world because you're ashamed of yourself... Y-you don’t know anything. Stop trying to act like you do and just leave me alone, hyung. OK?” He raised his head when the other said nothing in reply. “I mean it. I want you to get lost and never come back.”
“Well, it’s not going to happen, so keep wanting,” Minseok countered stubbornly, crossing his arms to his chest.
Minho tiredly sat up. “What’re you doing?” he shook his head. “If this is your idea of sympathy I don’t want it. Keep it to yourself,” he held his palm up between them as if physically pushing the consideration away from himself. “If this is your way of telling me you’re sorry for what you said, what’s done is done. You can’t reverse it or take it back and I'll always hate you for it.” He rubbed his eyes free of exhaustion. “If you’re here to give me advice, it’s not going to help, because you don’t underst—”
“How many times will you keep saying that?” Minseok demanded angrily. “How many times will you tell me I don’t understand?! All your life?” He turned so they were facing each other. “OK, I don’t understand. Fine. I accept it. Now what? Are you going to help me understand? Or are you going to sit here and wallow in your misery for the rest of your life? Is that the plan?!” He sighed deeply when Minho couldn't answer back, then reached under the blanket and joined their hands.
“Min, I am your brother. I need to understand because I need to protect you. No matter how much you run, I’ll have to keep up and stay behind you. Whether you're straight or gay or an intellegent super-human or even a complete moron, it doesn't matter. I’ll have to wait unconditionally to catch you every time you look like you're about to fall because that’s what hyungs do.” He bent his neck low to look at Minho, lifting his gaze up by the chin. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Minho tried to shove it back down but he felt like he was suffocating on air itself. “Hyung… hyung, he said he loved me and I made him feel bad for it…” he sobbed. “What kind of person does that?!” he pulled at his own hair till his wrists were gently swatted away by the other. “He said the one thing no one has ever said to me—not even Ma, not even Pa. And I made him feel like because he had the courage to…” Minho grabbed onto the elder’s shirt and hauled himself into Minseok’s readily accepting arms, the thick blacket scrunched between them.
“Kibum is such a nice guy, he’s such a good person, he has such a big heart. He doesn’t deserve to be with someone like me.”
“Hey, shh, don’t say that…” the elder hushed.
“Y-you knew it too, didn’t you…?” Minho demanded, looking up from a soaked tee shirt, wiping his nose on the back of his palm. “You kept telling me to stay away from him because he’s not decent company but… but you actually didn’t want to tell me—” he choked. “—you didn’t want to tell me that I’m the one not good enough for him. Isn’t that it?!” he shook Minseok by his collar. “That’s what you meant, isn’t it?”
“No, no, Min, come on, don’t think like that…” the elder cooed him back to himself, and Minho didn’t even think to resist because he was falling apart. He needed someone to gather up the pieces for him when they were strewn all over the floor. “Shh, don’t think about it anymore.”
“Even Jinki ssi knows I’m good for nothing. Even he kicked me out because he found out I’m worthless.”
“Min,” Minseok lifted him up and wiped his face dry. “You’re not worthless. Anyone who says that is lying, alright? Don’t even pay them any attention. You know, Ma and Pa are so proud of you. The first son in the family working to cure cancer, the first son to be accepted into Konkuk before even graduating high school. I hear them talk about you at night. You know how proud they are?”
Minho blubbered into his hands till they were moved off his face. “Look, things might be bad right now, but you can fix them. You already know how to. Just stop lying. To Pa, to your boss, to your boyfriend. Stop lying to yourself, Min. You running so fast you didn’t even predict you could get derailed like this. So just… start accepting the truth, that’s the only way your life will get back on the tracks.”
And then Minho knew what he had to do.
13-10-07
Dear Kibum,
I saw your picture on the notice boards after assembly today. Everyone saw it. And they’ll be making an announcement tomorrow, I heard. Why didn’t you tell me you were doing charity work for refugees? I read that you were lending a hand in building more houses for displaced families. You’re so noble… I never knew you had so many faces. Sometimes it feels like I’m dating different people, it’s weird!
You have a really strange heart, Bum. It’s so deep and complicated…
13-10-12
Dear Kibum,
I got hurt at work again today, so Pa is going to call Professor Jinki. He looked really angry… I hope he doesn’t find out about me going behind his back to continue on the team. At least the coach has stopped calling home about me. If... if something goes wrong at home what will I do? Where would I go if they kick me out for disobeying like this? And if Jinki ssi gets annoyed with me, too…
Bum, if I lose everything can I stay with you for a few days?
13-10-14
Dear Kibum,
You’ve stopped texting me. Are you angry with me? We hardly speak anymore since that… night. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you by doing that. It was a silly, impulsive thing to suggest. But… I thought. You’re so good to me and I have nothing to give you back. Sometimes I wonder if I really deserve to be called your boyfriend because I keep taking and never give anything back. I’m so selfish…
Do you hate me now? Please don’t hate me…
13-12-18
Dear Kibum,
Jinki ssi offered me a permanent position at the lab today. He said once I graduate I could come work for him! Part-time, of course, cause I’ll still have college. But do you know what this means? Now I could study at Konkuk with a guaranteed scholarship! Ma and Pa will be so happy. I can’t wait to tell them, but Taemin ssi said to wait because nothing was official yet. He sounded just like you.
One day I want to introduce you to all of them.
“Choi Minho, eighty-nine.” The class gasped at the high score.
“Ah, but Minho, you’ve used the wrong word here,” his English teacher called out while distributing their pre-board answer sheets back to them. He walked over and looked at where she was pointing. “It’s supposed to be their paddy fields not they’re paddy fields. It’s a silly mistake but a common one so I didn’t knock off any marks for it. Just don’t repeat it in the board exams…”
“Yae, sonsaengnim,” he nodded, then smiled back at her when she said good work.
Things were slowly starting to look up. His report card was much better than the last mock exam, and all the teachers seemed happier with him. He’d worked hard despite the internship eating up all his time, and some of the faculty was surprised he’s still managed to come out at the top of the class. Minho smiled at the tiny red smiling face next to the 89/100 adorning the top of his paper.
He’d told his parents about not quitting the football team and they’d been very angry with him for a while. Choi eomoni had yelled at him for making them worry, even told him he wouldn’t get any dessert for the rest of the week. But then Choi aboji had come to his room that night and finally relented saying, “If that’s what you want to do, I can’t stop you…”
For the first time in three months, he played a short match with Minseok in the backyard.
He’d taken a long bus ride to the research facility yesterday, walking into Professor Jinki’s office without so much as hesitating or knocking beforehand. He’d bowed deeply to apologize for causing inconvenience, but he hadn’t groveled to get his old position again thinking back to what his hyung had said to him about having some spine. “So you’re back from your hunger strike, eh?” he’d been asked. And as he’d stood there looking at Taemin snigger behind a hand, Jinki had nodded with a hint of approbation.
“Don’t worry, sir. I won’t ask for a raise,” he’d replied confidently.
“Yah! You’re not getting one!” the professor had joked back.
Kibum was still distant, though. Any attempts to be mildly friendly with him were thwacked away by a glare or a scowl. Even his friends started avoiding Minho like he was some terrible disease. He didn’t have to share his textbooks anymore because Kibum never forgot to bring his along. No opportunities arose to scold someone for starting a chalk fight or air-guitaring between two classes. Walking to and from school became a part of his daily routine because there was no scooter revving at him to run out with his mouth still full of breakfast.
Kibum spent every recess by himself, hunched over his desk in class, reading something. Minho tried to gather the courage and face him once, but chickened out at the last second. When they were incidentally paired together for a discussion during Civic Sciences, Kibum made sure their chairs were at least two feet apart. When their eyes accidentally met at a joke during Biology, Kibum would steal his glance away immediately. When the Math teacher asked Kibum to explain something to the class he did it without any uncertainty, without turning to Minho for prompting some sort of help.
While it made him happy that the other was doing well all by himself, it also hurt Minho a little that he was rendered unnecessary by Kibum’s newfound self-reliance. He’d liked when they they’d leaned against each other for support, physically and metaphorically. Despite the loud music, the heavy helmet, the immature squabbling, the strange theorizing… Minho had liked being with Kibum. He’d liked not feeling cold or lonely or friendless, and he’d liked being wanted. Being cut away from all that reminded him of the acerbic times before they met.
“Seonsaengnim,” a prefect knocked on the door to their classroom, shaking him out of his reverie. “The principal has asked for Choi Minho and Kim Kibum to report to his office immediately. Their parents have been called for an urgent meeting.” The girl turned to look at them sternly. “Bring your bags with you.”
Minho blinked in confusion but slowly moved to obey while everyone else quietly looked on. He furtively snuck a quick look at Kibum but saw the same confusion shrugging back at him in response. Bowing to their teacher, they followed the prefect out together, neither caring when their shoulders bumped a few times. Minho would’ve opened his mouth to ask the obvious question but something in his gut told him he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
So he opted to let his sight wander instead. He looked out at the football field where all his fondest memories of school lay, from Minseok’s winning goals to Kibum’s mashed cigarette butts. He saw the classroom markers he liked to jump and touch with his fingers sometimes, just to tease Kibum about height difference. He looked at the speakers hanging from the ceiling where announcements about a holiday on snow day came from, making him grin at Kibum because now they’d probably go on a date. He eyed the courtyard where Kibum had loudly sung an obscene English song one afternoon before being dragged away by his ear, just to make Minho laugh.
He turned to the other and opened his mouth to apologize for being an , for speaking too soon, for everything really. But when they reached the hallway leading to the principal’s office, they came to a halt at the same time. The Kims looked at them with unbridled rage.
“B-bum… what’s going on…?”
Kibum swore under his breath then slipped their fingers together, squeezing his palm tightly. “Don’t do anything stupid,” he muttered.
13-10-19
Dear Kibum,
I heard about those two student council members who were caught and suspended for dating. Is this why you’re not talking to me in school anymore? Are you trying to protect us? I want to ask you in person but I’m afraid. What if I’m wrong? What if you really think I embarrass you in front of your friends? I don’t want to make you feel bad like that. I make you feel bad a lot, don’t I?
I spoke to Jonghyun ssi today. He called me.
Here's my not-a-cliffhanger cliffhanger. Myeheh.
I put dates above each of Hoho's diary entries so I hope there's no confusion about why he sounds so cheerful when they're not together anymore. Yus.
~IQ
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