At first it was just like a game, choosing different personalities, different personas. Being someone different every time I walked through that door.  It was the ultimate acting lesson, sometimes not even having a character planned, just going by the queues of the older man.

I won't lie and say that my heart didn't shatter when the accident happened, nor will I say that I was strong and didn't break down when the doctor told me his condition. But I will tell you that I haven't given up hope. It's practically pointless, everyone says, but I just can't accept the fact that he will never be the same.

So I go to the hospital every chance I get, hoping, praying that this time will be the time that he says my name. That could be what started the different roles, me wanting to hear him ask what was wrong with me. But mainly, those roles helped hide how much I wanted to break down and just give up with every visit. They gave me strength. After all the strength he had while being our leader, taking almost eight years before he cried on stage, in my heart I couldn't let him down by crying.

Sure, Jae-hyung had said that this would definitely count as one of the three times a man is allowed to cry, I just can't let my hyung down like that, not after everything he's done for me. But that is nothing compared to having to tell him what happened. Over and over again. Every single day, he has to be told that he will never leave the hospital, that he isn't 15, that he has achieved his dream even when he has no memory of it.

The only saving grace is that sometimes he doesn’t act like he's supposed to, he doesn't deliver the lines he was given and he takes it with a grace and maturity that only the Gods' leader could have possessed. Then the next day, its back to disbelief and anger.

But it's been years, I'm not sure that I can keep this up any longer. When my roles first began to play out, I would keep a journal, writing down everything that had happened. A few days ago, I realized that I was coming to the end of the journal and looking back at all the different entries, my slowly repairing heart was destroyed with no hope of recovering. All the entries followed the same scenario, the only thing that ever really different was me. And even then I was predictable. 

Then the unthinkable happened. He changed the script.

He asked me to sing, never in all the times have I been there has he ever expressed interest in my voice or my life outside the hospital. He let me cry and told me that it was okay to, that he wouldn’t tell anyone. He was so much like my Hyung and I thought finally, finally he’s waking up.

I had been so caught up with my relief that he’s actually acting like my hyung that the time passed by and before I knew it I had to leave. Promising to be back the next day, I left to find the doctor I had been avoiding previously. The idiotic doctor told me not to get my hopes up too soon, that it would only end in misery.

Stupid doctor. Doesn’t he know that as long as Yunho is alive I will hope for the day that he finally wakes up and tells me that I was an idiot for waiting.

As I was walking out of the hospital, I realized that I never told Hyung the truth. But there’s always another day.

Of course the next day followed a similar pattern. Though he hadn’t remembered our conversation the day before, he didn’t follow his normal script and again I didn’t tell him about reality. Wanting this to last for as long as possible.

It feels strange. Is this how we would have acted if we hadn’t have met through SM and had to deal will all the promotions of being the ‘Gods’ of the Hallyu Wave? It felt oddly freeing, thinking that we were giving another chance. One to be ourselves, not the personas that the fans see.

Would he still have been my best friend, the only one I can truly count on? Would he still have fallen in love with me?

When Yunho settled down for a nap, I took out my journal and wrote down my thoughts. Though it was an evil thing that only reminded me of the pain the accident had caused, it had become a habit. I would write in it the things I used to tell Yunho, before everything happened.

My phone went off signaling that I had to meet my manager downstairs half an hour ago. I was going to a meeting for a new drama that was coming out and I refused to be late. Yunho and I had worked hard to ensure that TVXQ’s reputation was pristine, and I wasn’t going to be the one to destroy that.

Pausing at the door, I glanced once more at my sleeping leader. “I’ll keep TVXQ alive for you Hyung, you can count on me. I promise I won’t let it rot.”

Every day since the accident I had visited. Every ing day. Even if it meant taking the red eye from Japan and getting here around midnight after waking up at 3AM to go to a talk show in Tokyo. This would be the first time that I was missing a day.

Due to the drama, I would be filming on Jeju. The scene calls for some late night romancing or some crap like that, then an early morning scene that means absolutely no way of flying back to Seoul.

It chaffed me, but since I had to keep the company happy. After all since I refused to sing for them until Yunho wakes up, the only thing I can do is model, act and compose. That in turn means in order to keep going at my request, I have to do well in dramas which means not asking for things like a later shooting date or requesting that the scene be dropped.

I’ve been good in the years that Hyung’s been sleeping. I haven’t abused the power I have. All the pity I have since the accident combined with the fact that TVXQ is still one of the best acts and a spreader of the Hallyu Wave even with being inactive for almost eight years with all the army services gives me almost unlimited power. Trust me, I could probably commit murder and all I would hear is ‘Poor Changmin, he didn’t mean it’ or ‘He was provoked, Min-ah won’t do such a vile thing’.

That day I was away from Hyung, was horrible. But I didn’t let it show. I tapped into my acting skills, which are way better than anyone knows, and showed a bright face. No one asked me about Yunho. To the world Yunho is dead, and as much as it pains me, I don’t contradict it. The accident made him dead to the entertainment world, it’s as if they know that he will never return to the stage so why waste time talking about him.

It gives him the privacy he needs, so I rarely mention him to anyone who isn’t a friend.

Walking into my Hyung's room, I was in a good mood. The shooting went well and manager-hyung hadn’t argued when I asked to take an early flight so I could come to the hospital. I had come pretty early, since I had a later schedule, so I expected Hyung to still be asleep. But entering the room, I looked over to the bed and he wasn't there, and I will admit I had a small panic attack until I saw him sitting by the window again.

I don't even think he heard me enter. He was staring out of the window with an expressionless face. There were rings beneath his eyes, similar to those that he would have had back in our idol days, but there was no reason why he would have them here. Hell, those nurses enforced all the rules around here, and that included bedtime.

Deciding that this was more of a blessing than anything else, I cleared my throat to get his attention ready to start today’s scene in the journal. I wasn't expecting Hyung's reaction though. Hearing me, he slowly turned his attention away from the darkness that was outside. He stared at me with soulless eyes, before turning his gaze back out the window.

"Hyung?" My voice sounded small, like a little kid waiting for someone to tell him no. My hyung was scaring me. Never in all the times I visited did I see that expression on my hyung's face. Sure I had seen it once before, but that was years upon years ago, back when Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu had sued the company.

"Why did you come back Changmin-ah?" His attention never left the dark sky. My eyes widen at the sound of my name. Opening my mouth, no doubt to comment on him remembering, Yunho cut me off, "Why do you always come back?"

Yunho looked at me then, his dark eyes full of unshed tears. "Why do you keep hurting yourself like this? Do you like being constantly forgotten?"

"Hyung, I-" my sentence cut off in my throat. This wasn't how I imagined Yunho getting his memories back. I felt like that young trainee who was in waters far too deep for me to swim. My head began to bow in shame for disappointing Yunho once again, after all that seems to be the only thing I'm good at, when something caught my eye. Lying in Yunho's lap, his hands gripping it tight, was my journal.

I must have left it in the rush to get to the drama meeting before going to Jeju. And of course I didn’t miss it, as I only consult it when I’m with, about to be with, or just left Yunho. But everything that I had ever felt walking into Yunho's room, everything that we had talked about, everything the doctors had told me about his condition, were all in that book. All of my thoughts about us, though I had been very carefully not to mention certain things, my hopes, dreams, and my pain was all in there. And currently it was in Yunho's hands.

He hadn't remembered anything. Unbidden by me, tears began falling from my eyes. Upon seeing them, Yunho immediately stood up and walked over to me. He held his arms out to me, but I slapped them away, ignoring his hurt expression.

"I just want to you wake up Hyung," I looked at him through my tears. "That's all I want. Just to have you back. Is that so wrong? Is it?"

Fighting my attempts to get away, Yunho dragged me into his familiar embrace. "It's not wrong Min-ah, it’s not. But this isn't the way to do it. This will bring you more pain than relief."

Sagging in his embrace, I let myself be comforted by my hyung. "Than what do I do? Hyung what do I do to make the pain go away?"

For a long time he said nothing, just stood there with me in his arms, running his hand through my hair in a calming motion. After what felt like hours he whispered into my hair, "Stop coming to the hospital."

"NO!" I jerked out of his embrace so fast, I swear I got some friction burns. I knew that my gaze had accusation in it as I looked up at him. "Seeing you, even if you can't remember is the only thing that keeps me sane Hyung. Don't send me away! Please, don't make me leave!"

Tears were flowing from my eyes, not even a sign that they were stopping soon. My breathing came in gasps, the room was spinning and his words were ringing in my ears. My hyung doesn't want me, he doesn't want me here. I can't breathe, can't breathe.

"Changmin! Look at me!" Yunho's hands grabbed the sides of my face when I didn't respond to his order, and forced my head up to look him in the eyes. Calmly he spoke, contradicting the panic that shown in his eyes, "You need to calm down, you're having a panic attack. Calm down. I don't mean to send you away forever."

But he still means to send me away. Sure it might not be forever but it will still feel like it. I really can't leave Hyung, I've tried. Kyuhyun and others have made me not go to the hospital for days trying to get me to live my own life. It hadn't worked out. I would see things that would make me laugh, and I would turn to Hyung to tell him only to realize that he wasn't there. I'm too used to having him beside me, that it feels wrong having that space empty. Even years after the accident, I still feel like that.

"Damn it Min," I heard Yunho curse when I wasn't listening to him, and I wasn't anywhere near calming down. Somewhere deep in my conscious I was wondering if he was planning on slapping me, that always knocked me out of a panic attack. Instead of feeling a sting on my cheek, I felt something soft on my lips.

Yunho had kissed me. Yunho was kissing me. That's one way of shocking me out of panic mode.

All too soon, it was over and Yunho was pulling back, his face bright red but his grin was stunning. "I've wanted to do that since I first saw you."

My face probably turned brighter than his at the moment. Pathetic really, almost thirty-four and blushing like a school girl merely because of a kiss. Honestly I had no words to describe the situation, and I had no clue what to say to Yunho after that, besides something stupid and sarcastic. But I wasn't in the mood to ruin what we had right than, who knew when I was going to get it again. So I threw caution to the wind, and just kissed him again.

Not entirely sure when we started sitting on the floor, but I guessing that happened sometime during my mini panic attack. But we were currently sitting, more like kneeling for me, on the floor, kissing. Yunho gently pulled me to sit in his lap, and I wasn't complaining or fighting so I ended up straddling him.

Yunho broke the kiss and ran one hand along the edge of my face, "This feels so familiar."

Leaning into the light touch, I glared without any real heat, "It better."

Yunho looked confused and flustered for a few seconds as he looked away from me, "But the journal didn't mention anything about…"

I cut him off by placing my finger over his lips, it had always worked in the past and it was no different now. "It happened before the journal's time. And I didn't want to bring it up in case the wrong person got their hands on it."

His eyes narrowed at that, not sure if it was for the fictional wrong person that dared getting on the wrong side of Yunho, or the mention that I didn't want anyone to know about us. But he didn't mention any of it. "Tell me about us. I want to know, then I can write it in the journal so I can remind myself about it."

That idea didn't seem half bad, so I settled back into his arms and started telling him about us.

"It started… man almost thirteen years ago. God I feel old now. But anyway, it was around the time when three of our members, our friends and family, had decided that they no longer wanted to work with our company. They filed a lawsuit against them, they asked us to join but you are loyal to a fault so you refused. I refused to leave unless we were all leaving, so that just left the two of us. I won't go into the details of that time, cause that's another story.

"One night we were both flat out drunk in our apartment. It had become a common occurrence after the lawsuit started. Honestly it had started out as a joke, a dare, but it had turned into us making out for a little over two hours on the couch.

"The next morning you pretended like it never happened, and I played along."

Yunho cut in then, "I won't have forgotten that. I shouldn't have forgotten that."

I gave him a small smile, "You didn't. You're not the type to have black outs when your drunk. You remembered everything, just chose to write it off as typical drunk behavior." At his grimace I added, "I don't blame you, hell I tried to forget it as well. Before that night, both of us were so sure that we were straight, I think we were having an identity crisis."

When Yunho nodded in understanding, I continued with my story.

"Nothing really happened for a few years, there were little kisses here and there when we won Music Bank, or awards. But we still pretended that it was nothing. That is until you were going off to the army. The night before you enlisted, we had in your apartment. The morning after we blamed it on the alcohol when neither of us had drunk any the night before.

"You said it was because I was familiar, I said it was because you just happened to be there. We just kept throwing out excuses, until you had apparently had enough and proceeded to me on the kitchen table." I laughed at that memory, but the joy quickly turned to sorrow.

"Tell me," Yunho urged gently, wiping that lone tear off my cheek.

"I didn't want you to go into active duty. I begged you to just go into community service like every other celebrity, but you just had to go against me. But honestly, I just didn't want you to go. Somehow you got that out of me that morning, and promised me that you would always come back to me. That you wouldn't leave me like everyone else did."

I could tell that Yunho wanted to ask about that, but I wasn't in the mood to share it right then.

"Those two years were literally hell for me, even with seeing you during your time off. I was so used to having you beside me, even when I demanded my independence I would always depend on you and return to where ever you were cause it felt like home.

"When you had finished your service, I signed up for mine. Active duty, just to piss you off. And it did, marvelously. Every time you called me during my service, it was to tell me to transfer over to community or at very least the communications department. It made for some killer when I got time off."

Yunho looked at me with a question in his eyes. "Oh yes, we were still having , though we had long since passed the phase of blaming the alcohol. We went at it like rabbits every chance we had, though that wasn't often. With me doing my service and you back in the entertainment industry as an actor and producer, we never really had the time."

Taking a deep breathe I moved on to the hardest part. "The first time I told you I loved you, was also the last time. It had been a few weeks after I had completed my time, and I had demanded that you take me out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary. We had known each other for fifteen years. I should have never forced you to take me, or I should have driven. Maybe then our positions would have been switched.

"Neither of us saw the car. But we felt it when it rammed into the driver's side door, it pushed us into oncoming traffic. I don't really remember much of the crash, just that when it was over I saw you lying on the pavement with a pool of blood surrounding you. I don't even remember how I got over to you, just that one moment I was sitting in the wreck and the next I was kneeling beside you. It would have been a miracle that you were still conscious, but you were. You told me that you were sorry that you couldn't keep your promise, and I yelled at you, told you that you couldn't die because you hadn't told me you loved me yet…"

I couldn't continue my entire body was shaking with the force of my sobs. Yunho just held on, holding me tight, being my anchor. "It's alright, you don't need to continue."

I shook my head frantically, "No you have to know." Pulling myself away from my perch on his shoulder, I held his face in my hands and looked at his tear filled eyes. "While I was yelling at you, you just laid there and took it. Then you reached up with you hand and wiped away my tears...and you told me that you loved me, that if you had a chance to you would shout it out to the world and that even if I didn't feel the same you would stay until you had broken me down enough to admit. Then I told you-"

"That you were already broken down, that no one could make you feel as strongly as you felt towards me," Yunho said with a small smile and a far off gaze. I just looked at him, my mouth open, not believing what I was hearing. All of a sudden he seemed to jerk out of whatever trance he was in and looked at me in shock. "How did I know that?"

Shaking my head in mute shock, I bit back my tears before they consumed me. Before I could stop myself, I launched myself into Yunho’s arms letting our lips met once more. He leaned into the kiss, letting his body remember what his mind could not.

After a little while, I pulled back still keeping within close distance. “I love you.” I spoke to his eyes, allowed the emotion that I’ve kept back for so long to shine, letting him see how much I loved him.

Yunho’s brown eyes grew warm with love and happiness, but there was still coldness in them. Fear and sadness. “Min-ah…”

I was shaking my head before he could finish. “No, I didn’t get the chance to tell you then and I nearly lost any chance I ever had. Even if you think I’m weird, or that I’m mistaking you for someone else, I will always tell you that I love you. Until you remember, I will keep telling you. Every ing day if I have to.”

This time it was Yunho shaking his head. He looked at me with sad eyes as his hand cupped my face. “Stop coming to the hospital Changmin-ah.”

I opened my mouth to complain, but he silenced me once more with a single glance. “Just for a month, then you can come visit.”

“A month?!” I shout not caring who can hear us. Hell I stopped caring a long time ago. “I can barely last a day without seeing you. How the do you expect me to last a month?!”

Giving me a small smile, “It’s easy. Go participate in your dramas, hang out with friends, read a book, go back to school and get another degree. Live your life Changmin, stop waiting for the past to catch up to you. Stop following me and create your own path, and one day I will find you again.”

“Hyung…” Knowing that I wasn’t going to win, I buried my face in his warm embrace. He was right, he normally was. But I’ve followed his path, or those set by my parents, for so long how do I make my own? “I don’t know how.”

“Go on a trip. Find something that makes your blood sing and pursue it even if it makes no money. Learn something new, make mistakes. Do something insane.” He pulled me away from my refuge and looked me in the eye. “That’s what life is Changmin-ah, finding your own path. You may find it in a few days, it could take years, or you could never find it. The point is to look for it, not waiting for it to come to you.”

“I’m scared,” and just like that I’m the maknae of the entire industry at just fifteen years of age, hiding behind my hyungs letting them fight battles for me.

“If it ever gets too hard, I’ll be right here. Promise.” Opening my mouth, he physically closed it by pinching my lips together with his fingers. Any other day I would have been pissed, but I was acting like a child and he was treating me in kind.

“After one month, you can visit or call me anytime. I’ll work on my memory and I’ll read the journal and add new things in it every day. I won’t forget you again.” He vowed and I believed him.

The first few days were the hardest. All I wanted was to run back to the hospital to see if he still remembered, but I had promised a month of absolutely no contact unless he initiated it. Dear God how was I so stupid to agree to that.

The amount of times I nearly caved was embarrassing. But Hyung was right about one thing, hanging out with my friends really did help. Super Junior was on a break right now, so Kyuhyun and the others were more than happy to keep me company. When asked why the sudden desire to hang out, I merely said it was time to find my own path, to which all I received were raised eyebrows and confusion.

Strangely out of all of them Heechul was the one who tricked me out of the information about Yunho. When I told him about our conversation, he looked ready to cry tears of happiness.

“So he’s coming back? Our Yundol is coming back?” The pure joy and hope that shown through every pore on his skin made me smile back at him. It didn’t even diminish when I said that we shouldn’t get our hopes up cause it could easily backfire on us. He merely replied, “All things are like that. But a little hope wouldn’t hurt.”

Having Heechul know about Yunho, made me almost okay. And since the diva has the ability to read hearts, he found out about my and Hyung’s relationship fairly quickly.

“How the hell did I miss it? You’re telling me that you two were ing for four years and nobody knew? That I didn’t know? How the did you pull it off?” Then his face changed almost immediately, going from shocked to horror. “That’s why…that’s why…” He never finished his sentence, I never let him. I was out of the door before he ever had the chance to.

Almost two weeks into the month exile from the hospital, ten days to be exact, I got a call from an unknown number. Against my better judgment, I answered. That saesangs had better things to do these days, like stalking EXO.

>Hello?<

>Changmin-ah?< The voice was not one I was expecting, one I did not want to deal with at the moment. I hadn’t heard from him in years, even after the accident, he hadn’t tried to contact me or Yunho. I wanted to hang up but I was frozen.

>Minnie-ah? You there?... Look I know you really don't want to talk to me right now, but...I... Heechul told me some things and...I just wanted to make sure you're alright. <

>You should have checked four years ago.< My voice cold in my mind, but it came out as a whiny child.

>I'm sorry, nothing I do can change the fact that I should have gone, but I... I thought that you and Yunho hated me. I still think that. We all think that. <

Forgetting that it was a phone call, I shook my head. >Back then I wouldn't have cared...I needed you...I really really needed you guys Jaejoong. I needed someone to tell me that it was going to be okay...I needed someone to tell me it was ok to cry. But most of all, I just needed someone. I may have been surrounded by SM family, but I was alone. <

Jaejoong didn’t talk for so long that I thought he had hung up. When he finally did speak up, his voice was horse like he had been crying. > dongsang, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. We should have talked years ago, before this -up happened. We should have been with you when it happened. I'm so ing sorry. <

>It's in the past. We should have talked before you even filed that damn lawsuit. We should have talked afterwards, no matter what either of our companies said. We should have talked when you guys had your comeback, when we had our comeback. You and I can sit here talking about should have's and would have's and what if's, but none of that changed the past Jaejoong. As much as I would want to say otherwise, it's too late to go back to where we were. <

>But...<

>However it is not too late to start over again. Hell I've been doing it with Yunho for years, at least this time you'll actually remember me. < I attempted a laugh, and I am very proud that it actually sounded real.

>Changminnie..., I really should have talked to you sooner. <

>And that's another should have. Good bye Jaejoong, next time don't wait a decade before you call me again. <

After that conversation, I sat staring at my phone wanting nothing more than to call up Yunho and tell him. Our lives were looking up. No, not our lives I could hear him say, yours.

I wouldn’t say that I lived during the next few days. But it was a definite improvement to how I was acting before, even the mere thought of Yunho wanting me to succeed helped me in ways I could have never imagined.

Twenty days in and I got a call that I been hoping for.

I answered praying that it was Yunho calling me from the hospital phone and not the doctors calling to tell me something I didn’t want to hear.

>Min-ah. < My heart nearly broke, not from pain but happiness. I haven’t heard that tone in far too long. It’s the tone that says ‘I love you’ the one that means I missed you.

>Hyung!< I didn’t even bother hiding my happiness and joy at being called.

> I remembered Min-ah. I rememberd our debut as a duo and the time I went to the army. I remember. I can even recall some of our early debut days, at least I think they're early. You look so young and cute. <

>Those were evil days. How dare they make me kiss a kitten!? <

>Hmm, I don't really remember that. But then again I... I know that there were three others with us but... but I just can't remember what they look like. <

>It's okay Hyung, for all we know you'll forget in the morning so don't worry about it too much. < I tried to hide the pain in my voice, it’s a happy day. He remembered me!

>That's just it Changdol-ah< he sounded so excited, like I could practically see him bouncing up and down in his chair like over grown five year old. >I remembered this two days ago. I waited to tell you in case I forgot again, but I didn't! Minnie, I remembered you!<

I felt like crying in relief, my hyung was coming back to me. >Does that mean I can come over then? And the exile is over?<

His laugh echoed over the phone. >Now Minnie-ah, there was a reason for the exile. Now stick to it. I'll see you in ten days. Remember that I love you, and I always will.<

That was the last I heard from him.

One day. One ing day from when I could see Yunho, the hospital called and I knew immediately that something was wrong. They didn’t say anything over the phone, just telling me to get there soon. Part of me hoped that it was just Hyung playing a prank, but I knew. I just knew that wasn’t it.

Canceling everything I had that day, I went to the hospital dragging my feet the whole way. Upon entering, a nurse that I was familiar with and knew brought me up to the doctor’s office immediately. I tried asking her what was wrong, but she just kept shaking her said, say ‘Sorry’ over and over again. I decided then, that I didn’t want to know.

“Changmin-ssi,” The doctor greeted me standing up from his chair. The cups of coffee that surround the desk showed me that he had been up for a long time and planned on staying up. He didn’t motion me to sit so I remained standing, head held high ready for whatever he had to throw at me.

His eyes normally reminded me of those who had seen death, and a lot of it, enough that would turn any man bitter. But he looked at me with gentleness. It hit me then that I shouldn’t be here.

“The patient, Jung Yunho, slipped into a coma last night around 9:00 PM. An hour ago he was declared brain dead. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Shaking from head to toe, I wrapped my arms around myself trying to process the information. I was alone. He had left me. “You’re wrong,” I shouted at the doctor. “I mean, how can he be brain dead? He was just fine ten days ago, he was talking to me. He was remembering! How the did he become brain dead?”

The doctor sighed, “Remember what I told you years ago about his condition? The reason why he can’t remember a time past his fifteenth birthday…”

Numbly I nodded. “There’s a piece of metal lodged in the temporal lobe, the place that handles memory. Because of the placing he not only lost his memory, but is unable of making new ones. Isn’t that right?”

Sadly the doctor smiled as I recounted almost perfectly what he told me years ago outside the surgery room where Yunho had been fighting for his life. “Something happened that caused the metal shard to move, allowing him limited usage of the temporal lobe. Letting him remember certain things from the past. But the movement was not a good one, it moved closer to the cerebellum and the spinal cord, cutting off circulation to the brain. Leading the brain to die a very slow death.”

“So you’re telling me that the moment he began to remember there was no hope of living…” All the strength in my body left and I collapsed in a heap on the chair. If I had known I never would have agreed to that stupid live your life thing.

The doctor looked at me with sad eyes, “I’m sorry. Even if we had known there…there was nothing we could have done. With the placement of the shard and the trauma already sustained, surgery was impossible with turning him into a vegetable.”

“So…what now?” I looked at him begging him to tell me what to do. I was so lost and my hyung wasn’t here to comfort me anymore. Sure his heart may still be beating, but now he will never wake up.

“We have already contacted his family. But his friends should be informed, then you have a decision to make.” I looked at him with confused eyes. “It is now in your hands to decide what happens to Yunho-ssi now. Whether to keep him on live support for the rest of his natural life or… or pull the plug.”

My head shot up, “And let him die!”

“Yes, it would most likely kill him. Right now he can’t breathe on his own, we also have a machine hooked up to him that is keeping his heart beating.”

“Why? Why do I have make this decision, shouldn’t it be his family? His parents?” I can’t make this choice, I can’t.

“His parents, after being informed, have requested that you make the final call.” The doctor said gently. “It was also Yunho-ssi’s wish that you were one we consulted.”

“You mean he talked to you about? Did he know that he was going to die? Was the whole stay away for a month so that I wouldn’t have to watch him die?”

“No, no.” The doctor said quickly, trying to get me to calm down. Though I have never mention, nor he to me, I have always had a feeling that he knew about me and Yunho, which is one of the reasons I got away with so much at the hospital. “The file says it’s been there for nearly eight years.”

That froze me. Eight years. That was around the time Yunho-hyung went into the army. Damn you Yunho, you couldn’t have told me that for eight years I had the power to choose whether you lived or died?

I barely remember leaving the room, or walking through the corridors, or even standing outside Yunho’s door. Dimly I heard a voice say that his family will be here in an hour, but I couldn’t tell where it was coming from. I don’t remember pulling out my phone and I certainly don’t remember dialing Jaejoong’s number.

>Hello?< He answered on the first ring.

>Jaejoong...< My voice was small, weak almost unrecognizable but he still knew who it was.

>Changmin-ah? What is it? What's wrong?< The questions came in rapid fire, worry pouring over the line reaching out to me. But I was numb to it.

>Hyung...hyung he< I couldn’t say it. My mind refused to even think it.

>…Where are you?< I muttered out something that sounded like the name of the hospital, I could do that. It had nothing to do with … I heard a quick ‘I coming’ and something that sounded like car engine. Then the phone shut off.

I sat there staring at the door, knowing that I should go in but I can’t find the will to move. The phone was held tightly in my hand, I felt it go off many times yet I never bothered to answer it knowing it was the agency wondering why I canceled everything. As far as I was concerned, TVXQ was dead I had been keeping it alive solely for Yunho, but he was gone.

 “Changmin-yah!” I heard calling through the halls, I opened my mouth to answer but no sound came out. Hearing the shouting getting closer, I turned my head to see Heechul walking down the hall with Jaejoong hot on his heels. I could see more people behind them, but I didn’t care enough to tell who they were.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen to Yunho?” Heechul asked the moment he got to me, looking at the door as he said his name. I couldn’t help but flinch, the name I had been avoiding coming out of Heechul like it was nothing.

Jaejoong was the one who noticed the flinch. With one glance he shooed every one behind him away, for which I was grateful. Then he scouted closer to me and placed his hand on my shoulder in a show of comfort. “Minnie-ah, what happened?”

Not looking at him I whispered, “It was pointless to hope.”

“What do you mean?!” Heechul practically screeched, though in his defense he really doesn’t have another volume. “Pointless? There is always hope, I mean just a few days ago you were-“

“It was pointless! Everything was pointless, I should have just left him alone in this hospital then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much.” Yelling as I jumped up and faced Heechul face one. Then I turned, facing the door again and in a much softer voice, “Do you know how much it hurts knowing that he will never wake up? Never say my name again? Never laugh at me? Never…”

The sound of my tears broke off my rant. Without saying a word, Jaejoong moved over and engulfed me in his arms, petting my hair the way Yunho used to. “Tell us Minnie, what happened?” His voice was soft, reassuring. But nothing can fix this, nothing.

“The doctors declared him brain dead almost two hours ago.” Just like that Heechul’s strong face broke into a thousand pieces and a heartbroken friend took its place. He slowly shook his head from side to side, while glancing at the door, tears falling from his feminine face. “He really is never going to wake up now.”

“Yundol…” Without another word Heechul turned and headed back down the corridor. Staying where I was I drew strength from Jaejoong, pretending that the past few years never happened and he was still the hyung that cook for  and baby me.

Hearing a cry rise up from where Heechul was no doubt breaking the news, Jaejoong tighten his hold on me. I knew that I should go to where everyone was, but… None of them knew, none of them knew what Yunho meant to me. None of them understood.

Time passed like that, with me held in Jaejoong’s arms. Before I knew it Yunho’s family arrived and Jaejoong relinquished his hold on me to pass me to Yunho’s mother. She engulfed me, her tears silent yet still very much present.

Though I had never told Yunho, both our parents knew. My mom and his had practically beaten it out of me after the accident when I wouldn’t eat or sleep without seeing him. Much to my surprise they didn’t bat an eyelid at the news, saying that it was expected and had just been waiting for us to tell them.

When I finally escaped her hug, I excused myself for some air. Though really, how could I face them knowing that their son’s life was literally in my hands. Standing on the roof, where someone had designed in a garden, I looked out to the city thinking.

I thought about everything Yunho told me to do. Everything he wanted for me.

And I finally realized something. I had already found my path, I had found it a long time ago. I had just been too blind to really see it. And as clear as day I knew what I was going to do.

Feeling much lighter then I had in years, I moved to return to our grieving friends and family my head held high and proud. Just as Yunho would have wanted.