It was horrible, being an idol with claustrophobia. For everyone who does not know what that is:

I’m scared of crowded places. I tend freak out if I don’t have enough space around me or if someone stands near me and I have no way where I could possibly flee.

I know that it sounds ridiculous if you hear that for the first time. An idol with claustrophobia, how is that even possible? Shouldn’t that be tested beforehand? How can a company let someone like that sign a contract for such a job?

Well to be honest: I hadn’t always known that I had that kind of phobia. I just found out in 2008, when we debuted. Before that I never came in contact with such situations. Okay, I had never liked big crowds, but I never thought of it as a phobia. Maybe it developed because I was confronted with situations someone normal would not experience. Maybe I’ve always been like that, I don’t know.

When I found out, it was already too late. SM had thought about it for a long time, but they couldn’t remove me from the group anymore. I was so scared at that time. The members had tried to reassure me, but I knew that they were nervous too. We had worked so hard for our debut and now I was ruining everything. Thankfully the directors decided to let it be and let me stay in the group. You can’t even imagine how relieved I had been. I didn’t know how hard it would be later on.

I hadn’t time for a therapy so I only visited a doctor once in a while who asked how I’ve been and stuff. He gave me some tips and methods how to stay calm in situations where I was scared. Nothing big, but it help at least a tiny bit.

 

A concert, a big event in a live of a group and everyone works hard to achieve that goal. We had given a bunch of concerts already and it was overwhelming every single time we stepped on a stage in a concert hall. We had all been nervous when we had given our first concert, but to me, it had been ultra-pressure. I remember that I almost ripped the hem of my shirt because I was so nervous. The coordi noona scolded me for that afterwards.

I knew that I wasn’t really in contact with the crowd, but only the thought of how many people were gathered here send shivers down my spine.

We got the signal to make ourselves ready. Gosh I forgot everything that moment. The others were nervous too, but I think I was the worst. We have had rehearsals and everything and I had seen how big the hall was. Now every single seat was taken and I could hear the screams from our fangirls up to here. I was already sweating and kneading my hands to distract me, but it didn’t work.

“Kibum, are you okay?” asked Onew worried over the screams, always the leader.

I nodded and gave him a smile. It seems like he noticed that I was not okay, but what should he do? He let it be and I concentrated on my breath. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

We were lead to our positions where we would appear on the stage. Of course we had done the “SHINee ultra transformation” before, but even that didn’t help me. I was without my member now, alone; waiting for the moment I would jump up and be on that stage for the next hours. I couldn’t make any mistakes. I heard how our first song started and took one deep breath. I was the second one to appear, Taemin the first, Onew after me, than Minho and lastly Jonghyun.

“We’re living in the SM Town!”

My heart was thumping in my chest and I felt a bit light headed. Concentrate Kibum!

“Welcome to the SHINee World!”

I noticed how my hands went sweaty and trembled. Thankfully I had a mic attached to my neck and ear.

“Get the beat down!”

This is it. I closed my eyes and heard how the first bang rang through my ears. Taemin was onstage. I was next. OMG!

The guy next to me gave me a signal I forgot what it meant and the next thing I knew is that I was in front of a black cheering crowd with pearlescent blue light sticks, our fanclub color. It was an awesome feeling, really, but I couldn’t move. You have to do something, Kibum! I managed to wave and smile a bit. Gosh, so embarrassing. Pull yourself together! The screams were so loud I thought that my ears were going to explode. The bass of the song sent vibrations through the floor in my body. My heart felt like it would jump out of my chest any second and my breath got caught in my throat. I flinched as the next bang echoed, but I think that the fans took it as a dance move or simply didn’t care because our dubu leader Onew had just appeared.

I let my auto pilot take over and started to dance to the song. I didn’t remember any steps and my mind had turned off, but thankfully my body was still working, doing all the work.

The rest flew by and before I knew it we were already backstage again, the concert was over. My legs were a bit wobbly and I stood there, staring into space and still panting.

“Well done, Kibummie,” said Jonghyun and came over to give me a crushing hug. He liked to call me that and I didn’t mind it. We were pretty close anyway. Some fans are saying we’re dating, but NO, we were not.

“Yeah, well done umma!” said Taemin and joined the hug.

Minho and Onew came too and there we stood, hugging for at least 5 minutes. They knew how I had felt about the concert and they had tried to help me, but no one can really help me with that. I was still thankful and calmed down after some time.

 

 

 

I learned how to handle my phobia over the years and now I can give concerts confidently. Sure, if we go to the airport I’m still always shaken up afterwards and so on and I have to wear sunglasses (orders from SM), but I have my special someone next to me, my lover, the love of my live and my boyfriend. To be honest, first we always argued and one time we had a huge fight which aftereffects stayed for almost two years. When I look back, I can’t believe how stupid I was back then. I never imagined that I would fall in love with someone like him.

You want to know who it is, right? Well I think you already know by now…

 

…it’s Minho.

The frog, flaming charisma, tallest and sport maniac of SHINee.

You’re surprised?

Believe me, I was too when I found out that I’m not sick, but in love with my annoying band mate. I remember that I was out of it for weeks. I felt so strange when I was around him. I wanted to jump in his arms or suddenly scream out of joy. It felt like my tummy was full of butterflies and my mind got blank when he whipped his sweat of his fore head. I almost drooled every time I saw him taking of his shirt. Not to mention that I sometimes even stared at him while he slept. Is that normal if you’re in love? I don’t know.

I always blushed if he came near me (and I still do) and was so easily affected by him. If he hugged Taemin I was always jealous, wanting to be the one in his arms. I really didn’t know what had been wrong with me so I asked Jonghyun, who only laughed in my face and told me that I was in love.

Perfect best friend, right? Always going straight to the point. Not that I’m not like this, but…yeah that was a bit too fast for me. You don’t even want to know how long it took me to say something to him…

But then I finally got the courage after Jonghyun had nagged at me for almost an hour. Yes, he can be like that. I think he got that from me…

Well I went to Minho later on. The others had kindly left the dorm which I was rather thankful for. I didn’t want to be rejected and humiliated in front of them. I highly doubted that the frog felt the same for me. Not that he was mean to me, no, but he didn’t act different towards me than towards the other members. Oh boy, such a drama.

 

 

Flashback

The others had left and now Minho and I were alone at the dorm. It was pretty late already and the frog was in the living room, reading a book about something I’m surely not interested in.

-You should do it now.

-But I don’t want to.

-You don’t want or you’re scared?

-…both…

-Kim Kibum, you are a grown man with pride! Talk to that man for god’s sake!

-But-

-No buts! Now go!

Hell, I’m some kind of talking to myself…and I got beaten by my thoughts…should I worry about that?

-Kim Kibum!

-Yeah, yeah I’m going. Geez…

I walked to the living room as slowly as possible. What if he rejects me? What if he laughs at me? Don’t think about it.

I shook my head and went around the corner. Minho was sitting on the couch, reading a book just like I had thought. He probably didn’t even notice me.

I fiddled with the hem of my shirt. Now or never.

“Minho?”

“Hm?”

He didn’t even look up. I gulped and got even more nervous.

“Can…can we talk?”

Now he looked up and I felt that my breath got caught in my throat for a moment. Why is he so handsome? So beautiful, big eyes, soft hair, so tall, so many muscles, so strong, so-

“Sure, what is it?”

I had to blink a few times. Or right, I had asked him something.

“Ahm…well…”

OMG, what should I say? Hey Minho, I love you. Gosh no! Oh yeah I think I’m in love with you…no big deal. No, no, no, no, no. Argh!

He signalized me to sit down and I did, but as far away as possible. I looked at him and wished I hadn’t. My heart speeded up more and my palms got sweaty, almost like I did when we were in crowded places. I quickly looked away again, gaze fixed on the opposite wall.

What should I say? What should I say? Why didn’t I think about this before? Oh wait, I think I did, but why is my brain not working? Why do I feel so strange? Why is it so hot in here? Where did the Kibum I know go? Someone, please save me!

“So?”

Oh no, he growing impatient, I have to say something…But WHAT?! , , , . What was I even thinking? I can’t tell him! It’s pointless, just put that thoughts away. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

“Are you okay? You’re a bit pale…Are you sick?”

No, no, no, no, no don’t talk to me you’re making me nervous. You’re making me beyond nervous. I have to calm down…

…

It doesn’t work! I can’t take this anymore!

“Maybe you caught a fever…Let me see.”

Minho bent forward and I backed away until the armrest was in the way. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do?!

He stretched out one hand and I squeaked quietly, eyes widening. My blood rushed in my ears and I’m sure that Minho could hear my crazy heartbeat.

Minho moved my fringe aside and laid his hand on my forehead. I stared at him shocked, but he seemed to concentrate and didn’t mind me. I thought I was going to die from a heart attack.

“Hm…no, nothing out of the ordinary.”

He took his hand back and I somehow missed his touch already. I was still in a daze, but he seemed to be just fine.

“So what is it that you wanted to talk about?” he asked and leaned back again.

I came back to reality. Right, I have to do this, even if I don’t know if I’m going to survive.

“J-just promise me t-that you’re not going to h-hate me,” I said and blamed myself for my stuttering. I’m never stuttering!

He looked at me kind of bewildered. “Did you break my cellphone?”

“N-no…”

“Did you post a picture of me under the shower or while changing?”

Why did he have to say that? Now I have a picture of him under the shower in my head! I blushed a bit, but shook my head.

“Did you take my money so that you could go shopping?”

I shook my head again and he sighed. “Well then I think I’m not going to hate you.” He looked at me, probably waiting for me to continue.

I gulped once and took a deep breath which got stuck in my throat. I fiddled with my fingers and looked around the room. How am I going to survive this?

“Come on, it can’t be that bad,” said Minho and grinned.

I wish I could grin too right now, but I think I’m dying here. Can’t I just run away? No, I have to do this!

“I-I…”

“Yeah?”

Why does he have to push me so much? I looked him in the eyes and he seemed to be absolutely calm. How the heck does he do that? I’m losing my self here!

“I-I…just…me…if…”

Use your brain Kibum!

Minho crooked one eyebrow. I was only talking none sense and he is probably going to grow tired of it very soon and leave me here. I shook my head. No, I don’t want that. I took another shaky breath.

“I…”

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. One more try.

“I-I…”

Just say it.

“I l-love y-you…” I whispered, but I was sure that he had heard it.

My heart stopped and the world stopped spinning.

1…

2…

3…

Silence…

I panicked, exactly what I had imagined. Everything shattered and my throat went dry, gaze fixed on the ground. He is going to hate me; he is going to laugh at me. I don’t want, I don’t want this. What was I even thinking? I need to get out of this.

“I-it’s just…I-I always feel s-so s-strange around you a-and it we-ent on like t-that for w-weeks and then I-I a-asked Jonghyun a-and h-he said that I was in l-love, b-but I w-was afraid that you w-will h-hate me s-so I didn’t s-said an-nything, b-but then I thought th-hat I-I should ma-aybe say som-meting…”

My eyes burned and the first tears rolled down my cheeks. Why was I so stupid?

“W-well an-nd then I d-decided t-to sa-ay s-something b-because I c-couldn’t ta-ake th-his anymore a-and J-Jonghyun ha-had nagged a-at m-me a-about i-it a-all d-day long. I d-don’t kn-now wh-hat’s w-wrong w-with me I-I m-mean y-you wo-ould n-never l-love me s-so wh-hat a-am I e-even d-doing h-here? I-I’m ju-ust s-stupid a-and I pro-obably s-should h-have nev-verhmpf-“

A pair of the softest lips you could only imagine crashed against mine and I was forced to lie down on the couch, Minho hovering over me. What going on? His lips moved against mine, but why? What’s happening here? My heart beat like crazy and the air was pulled out of my lungs. He was so near, so near, so near.

He pulled back and I wanted to scream NO! but I couldn’t.

“M-Minho…w-w-hat-“

I was silenced as he gently laid a finger on my lips.

“You’re talking too much.”

He caressed my cheeks and whipped my tears away and I’m sure as hell that my face was flushed like a tomato. I stared back at him with wide eyes and my heart thumped again with incredible speed. What? When did my brain decided to turn off? Why was I feeling so hot? Why was he doing this? Where am I?

“Silly,” he said and smiled. “I love you too.”

WHAT?!

His lips came back onto mine again and it took me a few seconds to register what he had said. He loves me too. He loves me too…He loves me too. He said he loved me too!

I gripped onto his shirt and pulled him closer to me, finally joining the kiss. It was amazing, beautiful and amazing. I’ve never felt like that before. I think my heart exploded back there but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything at all that moment, only about those magical, stunning lips on mine.

I couldn’t help it and new tears flowed out of my eyes. I was so happy, so, so, so incredible happy. This couldn’t be real. It was only one of my stupid dreams, but I didn’t mind that. I never wanted to wake up again then.

The man of my dreams loved me too. How is that possible? How do I deserve something like that? Why did he never tell me? Why did I never notice?

My lungs screamed for air, but I didn’t want to let go. He did instead, breaking our real first kiss, leaving us both panting, me more than him. I held him close like a desperate child. I don’t want this to slip away, to be a dream or an illusion, just a trick my mind was playing on me. I didn’t want this to end; it felt too good, too right.

Minho chuckled a bit and whipped my tears away once again.

My sense came back and I punched him weakly because that was all just way too much for me.

“Why?” I croaked out. “Why? Why? Why? Why?” With every word I hit his chest, but he didn’t mind it. He only smiled more and sat up, pulling me with him.

“Why?” I asked again and hit his chest once more.

He hugged me and held me tightly so that I couldn’t hit him anymore.

“Because I love you,” whispered Minho and kissed my temple. He my hair lovingly while I was leaning against him; head down on his shoulder and still holding onto his shirt, afraid of letting go.

Just now I noticed how tired I was. My eyelids felt heavy and soon I couldn’t force them open anymore. Sleep took over me and the last thing I remember is Minho my hair and kissing my head.

 

No one’s Pov

There they were, Kibum sleeping in Minho’s lap, the latter still his hair. The older had looked pretty exhausted and Minho didn’t want to wake him up. He wanted to enjoy that moment a bit longer. Kibum had just confessed to him. He had always thought that he only imagined things and that he didn’t love him, but now he couldn’t help it, but feel so damn lucky and happy.

His poor Kibummie had gone through a lot like it seemed. Why didn’t Jonghyun tell him? Probably because Kibum would have ripped his head off. He sighed and looked at the angel in his arms. There were still trails of tears on his cheeks and Minho felt guilty for making the other cry twice in just half an hour.

He heard key rattling outside and looked up as the front door was opened.

“What if we find them on the couch?” that was Jonghyun’s voice and Minho rolled his eyes.

Seriously, what did they think of them?

“Why should they be on the couch?” asked Onew back.

“You should have seen Kibum; he was totally out of it.”

Minho looked down at Kibum who was sleeping in his arms. “You’ve really gone through a lot, haven’t you,” he whispered and his hair.

“But that doesn’t mean that they have…you know…right away.” Onew, shy as ever.

“Yeah, but there is still a possibility…”

“Do you think they had ?”

…

Gosh Taemin was to blunt for his own good.

Minho heard how his hyungs coughed awkwardly and took of their shoes. He heard footsteps approaching and turned his head to see when they came around the corner. The footsteps stopped and he waited, smirking a bit. A brown mop of hair (which was Onew’s) appeared, then another (Jonghyun). They peeked around the corner and spotted the couple on the couch, thankfully clothed and one of them sleeping in the other’s lap.

Taemin’s head appeared too and Minho grinned. “Hey guys,” he said quietly, careful not to wake Kibum.

The three smiled relieved and came in the living room.

“Hey Minho,” said Onew.

“What did you do to my umma?” asked Taemin angrily and pointed at the boy’s cheeks were the tear streams were still visible.

“Nothing…” said Minho and the youngest glared at him.

“Watch out, I have my eyes on you,” he threatened and left after he had petted his umma’s head lovingly.

The other three gazed after him dumbfounded. That kid sure was possessive.

“Sooo,” said Jonghyun and grinned. “Looks like we missed something.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Minho couldn’t suppress a smile as he said that.

Jonghyun eyed him suspicious before sighing. “Just watch out for him or I’m going to rip your head off and chop your body into little pieces,” the shortest growled and Minho nodded hurriedly.

“Good. Well then I’m hungry. Bye bye~”

Why is everyone here so bipolar? Minho shook his head and sighed and looked at Onew who was still standing in the middle of the room, fiddling with his hands.

“Just try not to rush the things, okay? You know we still share one room and yeah it would be really nice if you…you know…wouldn’t do that if we’re there too and…yeah…”

Minho crooked one eyebrow. “Sure hyung.”

Onew groaned in embarrassment and ran off. Minho shook his head once again and chuckled. What a crazy family they were. He looked down to Kibum and smiled. He carefully got a hold of him and stood up, carrying his new boyfriend to their bedroom.

 

End Of Flashback

 

 

Yeah this is how I woke up the next day in the arms of my current boyfriend. Man that was almost one and a half years ago. Time sure flies by. Meanwhile we have more rooms and of course I’m sharing one with him. Although I sometimes want to throw him out of the window, but I guess that's part of a relationship...at least our relationship.

 

 

 

“Kibummie~”

I mumbled something and turned around. I wanna sleep, leave me alone.

“Come on gorgeous, time for beauty sleep is over.”

“Hmnghn…”

“You have to get up~”

I made some hand movements in hope to shoo that voice away.

“Come on.”

I rolled on my side and it was finally quiet. I sighed and cuddled in my pillow. Right when I wanted to go back to dreamland I felt something warm ghosting over my neck. I frowned and moved a bit. That something disappeared thankfully. Seconds later I felt something warm and wet over my ear and I almost jumped out of my skin. I squeaked and opened my eyes, ready to punch whoever did that. I was met with the grinning visage of my boyfriend who hovered over me and instantly my heart beat faster. He knows what he does to me when he is that close and he loves to tease me with it.

I glared at him and grumbled, hiding under the covers.

“Aw come on Bummie, you have to get up. Breakfast is ready.”

I grumbled once more, but didn’t move. I heard him sigh and inwardly hoped that he had given up and leave me alone, but who am I kidding. We’re talking about Choi Minho, the guy who never steps back from a challenge.

“As you wish.”

My heart sank down. Oh .

He yanked the covers away and I desperately searched for something else to hide, but it was too late. His large hands had already found my sensitive sides and started tickling me merciless.

“Hahaha…n-no M-Minho s-stop…hahahaha!”

“Are you getting up if I stop?”

“Nooo,” I squeaked and squirmed under him to get away.

“Well then I won’t stop.”

That went on for like five minutes until I couldn’t breathe anymore.

He removed his hands from my body and I lay there, sprawled out, exhausted and a panting mess.

“Sooo you’re getting up now?” he grinned down at me and I was too tired to glare back.

“No…wa-anna…sleep,” I panted and closed my eyes.

“Then we’ll have to do it the hard way.”

Man what now?

I have no idea how he did this but he got a hold of me and swung me over his should like sack of potatoes, holding only my legs to hold me in place. I squealed and gripped the back of his shirt, afraid of falling down.

“Yah, what do you think you’re doing?!” I yelled and struggled, fidgeting with my legs.

“I’m waking you up and you better stop struggling or you’ll fall down,” he said calmly and I immediately stopped. I don’t wanna fall down.

“That’s better,” he said and could tell that he smirked. “Now let’s go!”

I grumbled, but he didn’t mind it and simply went out of the door towards the kitchen where the others were.

“Oh you found Kibum,” said Jonghyun and I could hear that he grinned. “Morning Kibummie~”

I choose to ignore him and Minho sat me down on one of the chairs. I started to munch on a toast, still sulking because of my stupid boyfriend.

“Come on guys we have to get ready. Manager-hyung will be here soon and then we’re going to the airport,” said Onew after some time.

I froze for some seconds. Airport, crow, many people, jostle, lack of space. Okay calm down everything is fine. I shook my head and continued to eat my toast. Everyone stared at me, but I ignored it. It was always like that, everyone was worried about me (more or less). I didn’t want that, I didn’t want to worry others, I didn’t want to cause problems and I didn’t want to seem like a weakling.

I stood up and got ready. I stuffed the last things in my back and check myself one last time in the mirror. Manager-hyung was already here and stood in the hallway, waiting for us. We were going to Singapore and I was excited. Okay the airport part was not so great but that’s how it is. We’re always going by plane, but today I don’t have to wear sunglasses. Once I made it through that, it’ll sure be beautiful there. We’ve never been there before and I’ve only seen pictures so far.

“Okay, you got everything?” asked our manager?

“Neh,” we replied and he nodded.

“Let’s go then.”

Minho took my hand and smiled at me. “Everything okay?”

I nodded and smiled. “Yeah, until now.”

He squeezed me hand. “Don’t worry; I’m sure it won’t be that bad.”

 

Like Minho had said, it wasn’t that bad. We got through the crowd without any problems and were soon already sitting in the plane to Singapore. I fell asleep after some time and I think I slept on Minho’s shoulder…Well I don’t think he minded that.

We landed after some hours I was woken up by Minho.

“Hey Bummie, time to get up, we’re here.”

I blinked my eyes open sleepily and stretched my tired limps with a yawn. Finally there. We took our bags and left the airplane.

Okay now I was nervous. We have never been to Singapore before. Are there many fans waiting for us? What if they don’t like us? What if this trip will be a failure? Gosh so many thoughts at the same time. I nervously stepped from one foot on the other. Minho noticed this and laid his arms around my waist, holding me close.

“Hey,” he called softly and I looked at him. “Everything will be fine.” He kissed my head and I nodded. My throat was too dry for a proper answer. I can do this!

Some security guards came and we took off. We were not allowed to hold hands or something like that while we’re heading to the car so Minho let go of me. He gave one last reassuring smile and a hwaiting pose. I smiled softly although I was rather nervous.

Until now I had always managed my phobia somehow. Some people had given me tips like deep breaths, don’t look up in crowds, think of something else, listen to music, blablabla. I hoped that it wouldn’t be such a big problem this time too.

As we went on we came nearer and nearer to our destination. The worst part was still about to come: Going through the fans. Our arrival was official so there would be many fans, at least I thought so. I grip around by bag tightened and my heartbeat quickened a bit.

We went through some door and then I could hear them: The screams of our fans. I gulped. The noises were immensely and a lot louder than back in Korea. My palm got a bit sweaty, but that was normal.

Our group stopped and our Manager talked about something, probably some orders or directions. I never listened to those, I was too nervous. Because of that I walked behind the others most of the times. Onew answered something back and the others nodded. This is it; there is no backing out now.

Just as we wanted to take off again some guard came running to us and shouted something I couldn’t understand. He seemed really shaken up and nervous about something and rambled on and on, making weird hand movements. Our manager joined them and understood them magically. He seemed to be pretty angry about said matter and waved his hands around now too. I looked rather amusing if I hadn’t been so nervous. What was going on?

Onew asked our manager just that and the older man sighed. “They said that there are too many fans and they don’t have enough security.”

What? But they knew that we would come! How can they not have enough security?

“What do we do know?” asked Onew.

“We’re going nevertheless. We don’t have time to wait until more guards come.”

“But-“

“No buts! We’re going. Now!”

No one dared to say something. If manager-hyung is angry he gets really scary.

I took one shaky breath as we set off. The first men went around the corner and immediately the screams increased. As I went around the corner I thought my ears would burst. The screams were so loud you could hear nothing else. I looked up and saw the huge crowd and breath got caught in my throat. There were so many people and all were screaming their lungs out!

My heartbeat quickened and I couldn’t take my eyes off the crowd. Normally I would stare at the ground but I just couldn’t. The guards behind me shoved me forwards because my legs had suddenly decided to freeze. No I don’t want. I don’t want. I don’t want. I don’t want!

People were screaming my name. Key! Key! Key! Key! From all sides people bumped into me and the guards had problems to hold them away from us. My whole body tensed and I wanted to crawl away, away from all this.

I could see the van, but it was still so far away. The guards yelled at the fans and shoved them aside which wasn’t really useful because the stumbled into other fans and they stumbled too and the next one too and after that the next one too and and and and and…

Okay breath, breath, breath! Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. My heart pounded and my blood rushed in my ears. Some dark spots appeared in my vision and I tried to get them away by blinking. So much was going on I couldn’t even take in everything.

Suddenly more screams came from another side and I looked in that direction. Another crowd of fans came running to us and all I wanted to do was scream and run away. I couldn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t! There is not space, no space, no space. Everywhere people, people, people, people. I trembled and broke out in a cold sweat.

The group stopped abruptly and looked around desperately; searching for a direction I could flee in. There was none. I was like my surrounding pressed me down. Right, left, top, bottom, forwards, backwards, no escape. It was like wall came nearer and nearer, squeezing you in the middle.

My hands formed into fists and my knuckles turned white. Seat ran down the side of my face and my spine. My vision blurred and I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs.

“Kibum!” yelled an echoing voice and I tried to figure out where it came from.

I looked around and spotted a blurry figure in front of me. The person tried to get to me, but couldn’t because there was no space. No space. No space. No space. No space. No space. No space! No space! No space!! No space!!!

“Kibum!”

Again, what does the person want?

“You have to breathe!”

Breathe? I can’t! There is no air, no air, no air, no air, no air! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!

“Kibum!”

The world rotated around me and I didn’t know where I was anymore. I couldn’t think. Everything blurred and pressed me down. Everywhere were screams. For all sides came walls and squeezed me in the middle of them. I wanted to run but I was frozen on the spot. My lungs screamed for oxygen but there was none I could give them. The scene turned into a blur of colors speeding up and dancing around me faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and…

Suddenly everything turned black.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beeb beeb beeb

The annoying sound wouldn’t go away. I shifted a bit, but it was still there. I opened my eyes slowly and had to close them right away again. It was so bright around me I couldn’t see a thing. I tried one more time and had to blink for a while before me vision cleared. I could make out a celling and some lamps that shone down on me.

Where am I?

I turned my head a bit and saw four chairs next to me, but no one was there. I noticed that I lay in a bed.

Why was I laying in a bed?

I sat up slowly and looked down at me. I wore one of my oversized gray shirt and some sweats. I could swear that I had worn something else before. I felt something weird on my left arm and lifted it to my eyes. There was something sticking inside of my skin and I quickly pulled it out.

Who did all of that?

I frowned.

What happened?

I tried to remember and some scenes played in my head. Screaming, yelling, crowd, guards, scramble, shoving, crushing, bumping, airport… My eyes widened, my heartbeat quickened and my palm got sweaty. It was crushing me!

I jumped out of my bed to get rid of the feeling and stumbled a bit because everything rotated. The door was opened and four figures rushed in the room. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! I have to get out of here! I don’t want a crowd! Help me!!!

My breath fastened and I looked around to find a way to escape.

“Kibum calm down. It’s just us.”

I didn’t even listen to those words. One of the figures approached me and I backed away. No, leave me alone!

“Relax Bummie everything is fine, it’s me, Minho.”

The other figures moved in my direction now too and gasped for air. Leave me alone! Don’t come near me!

“Guys, stay away!”

I flinched at the sudden command.

The person from before came nearer again and I backed away until my back made contact with the wall. I freaked out and tried to run somewhere else, away from here. I just wanted to get out of this. Everything is pressing me down.

Something was wrapped around me and forced me to sit on the ground. I screamed and trashed around to get rid of it, but the hold wouldn’t loosen.

A hand was drapped over my eyes and I froze, not moving an inch, but trembling like a leaf. I grabbed onto something that I could identify as an arm and clutched on it like my life depended on it.

“Sh everything is fine. Now breathe, slowly and deep.”

I didn’t know why, but I listened to the soothing voice, taking deep breaths. It was hard at first because my body demanded for more and more, but I managed to calm down. My heartbeat went back to somewhat normal after some minutes and now I noticed who was in my room. I was in Minho’s embrace and he still and one hand draped over my eyes the other holding me in placed at my waist, rubbing soothing circles there. He whispered things in my ear with a calm voice and I relaxed, still taking deep breaths.

“W-what h-h-happened?” I croaked out because I really didn’t know.

“You had a panic attack and fainted,” Minho said careful and I tensed again.

Did I really collapse in the middle of the crowd? I shivered at the thought of the events.

“We brought you to the hospital as soon as we got out of there. The doctor said that you thankfully didn’t have any injuries, but that you might be a bit out of it for some time,” explained Minho and I nodded.

I really had a panic attack…

“How are you feeling?” asked my boyfriend.

My grip on his arm tightened a bit. How was I feeling? I didn’t really know…It was like I didn’t have a body and was made out of gas. My mind was clouded and I couldn’t think straight. I felt light headed and somehow tired although I was wide away.

I shook my head. “R-really s-strange…”

Minho nodded and kissed my cheek. He removed his hand from my eyes and I had to adjust them to the bright light once again. I saw Onew, Jonghyun and Taemin standing a few feet away from us. They all looked rather pale and shaken up.

“Hey guys…,” I whispered and managed to smile a bit.

First they didn’t move and only stared at me, but then they seemed to come back to life. Taemin was the first who rushed towards me, after him Jonghyun and Onew. They all embraced me in a tight hug, almost crushing me.

“Umma,” whined Taemin and cuddled into my chest.

“Don’t do that ever again,” said Jonghyun and looked at me, relieved that I was okay.

“You scared us to death,” scolded Onew.

“I’m sorry,” I said and smiled softly.

 

 

 

After that incident I was allowed to make a therapy which helped a lot more than everything else I had done until now. Some of the fans were more respectful and held their distance after it came out that I had claustrophobia. We still got more security at the airports and I got some tablets which helped me to stay calm.

All in all everything was back to normal again and the trip to Singapore had been a success. Back in Korea we went out for dinner and got a week off. Minho and I spend every minute of it together.

 

 

 

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Thank you for reading~

6,670 words