A/N: If you're wondering why I use Kai and Jong in interchangeably in the chapter, it's actually because I wanted to show a contrast within Kai/Jong In himself. He was Kai to the school and the rest of the world, and he would only turn into Jong In whenever he was around with Kyung Soo. Like, there were two contrastingly different sides to him, but he only chooses to show the vulnerable side to Kyung Soo.

Hope that's not too confusing.

This is the first part of a threeshot.

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Kai was the school heartthrob who was great at everything but academics. He was devilishly good-looking, he played sports – any kind of sports – and he danced; ballet, jazz, modern, contemporary, hip-hop. You name the dance form, and he probably has tried his hand at it before. It was the recipe for popularity, and also the perfect plan for disaster. He was playful, wild, partied a little too hard, and treated life a little too carelessly.

Kyung Soo kept to himself most of the time. Despite his reticent nature he was pretty well-known in school himself, partially for who his best friend was and also for his hardworking nature, as though he needed to make up for the lack in the brains department that he didn’t suffer from. He was quiet and reserved, and bore a childish innocence in him that Kai was deathly afraid of taking away.

That’s right, Kai was afraid. For the first time in his life since he was born, Kai wasn’t the fearless alter ego that everyone had grown to worship and adore, but the shy Kim Jong In who had hid behind layers of pretentious masks to hide his insecurity towards his ual orientation. After all, he couldn’t possibly let anyone know that the golden boy of Seoul Music High was gay, could he?

The two were close friends. As odd as the pairing may sound, that’s what they were – friends. They did everything together. They went to school together, they sat next to each other in class, they spent their breaks by themselves, they waited for each other to end any afterschool club activities, and they trolled the area and hung out after classes ended. They even lived in the same neighbourhood, for crying out loud.

It started off with Do Kyung Soo’s first day in their final year in middle school, the summer before puberty kicked in that officially transformed Jong In into the walking god that he was now. He’d transferred in the middle of the school year, when everyone had already solidified the formation of their existing cliques and no one was interested in making friends with the new kid with scarily round eyes. All but Kim Jong In. He welcomed the other at once and they were inseparable ever since.

Every single minute of Kyung Soo’s waking moments seemed to revolve around Kai. Beyond school hours, Kyung Soo found himself picking him up from parties every fortnight after the younger drunk himself into oblivion, putting him up in his guest bedroom until he regained consciousness, knowing that Kai’s parents would have their son’s if Kai turned up home reeking of alcohol and nursing the dastardly hangover that usually ensued the next day.

The only time Kyung Soo seemed to be left by himself was when he was in his dreams, where he could escape into the clutches of fitful rest. But the same couldn’t be said for Kai.

Everything in Jong In’s world had revolved around Kyung Soo. The wallpaper of both the lock screen and home screen of his handphone was that of a candid shot of Kyung Soo taken when he’d fallen asleep during a movie at a sleepover at Jong In’s house. The elder was the first thing on his mind when he woke up in the morning. As he washed up and all through breakfast, all that ran through his brain was the fact that he was going to see Kyung Soo soon. Throughout a typical school day and afterwards, they would be glued to the hip practically at all times. In the dark confines of his bedroom, less than noble thoughts of Kyung Soo would plague Jong In all night, waking him up in the wee hours of the morning with a hand down his pants and stickiness between his legs.

The only time Jong In didn’t see Kyung Soo’s face was when they parted ways at the T-junction that separated their houses. Walking in the direction away from school, Kai would reach his street first, while Kyung Soo would walk up ahead. But watching the elder’s silhouette as he went off was rapidly growing to become one of Jong In’s favourite pastimes too.

And it hurt. It hurt so ing terribly to have the one you loved by your side, so ing close yet not close enough. Jong In may have Kyung Soo physically present beside him, but every other part of the elder was far out of reach to him, like grasping at grains of sand that were slipping through the gaps between his fingers. That was what loving Kyung Soo felt like; holding onto something that would always be unattainable to him.

~~~

Jong learned of Kyung Soo’s ual orientation in their first year in high school. He’d found out after stumbling across the collection the elder stowed under his bed that clearly showed he swung for the other team. Jong In confronted Kyung Soo then, and after a round of interrogation the latter broke down in tears. It was the first time Jong In saw Kyung Soo cry, but instead of jumping on the bandwagon and taking the opportunity to come out of the closet himself, Jong In merely wrapped his arms around the smaller one’s shoulders and told him that it was okay to be gay and that he still loved him all the same. Loved; a word that completely flew over Kyung Soo’s oblivious little head as he drained the remaining of his tears onto his best friend’s sturdy shoulder.

Despite having come clean to the younger regarding his ual orientation, Kyung Soo never displayed any interest in any of the boys at school. Not once had the elder ever shared with him an encounter with a guy that left his heart fluttering. Not that Kyung Soo really had much time for relationships and dating, anyway. He was the vice-president of the student council. His time was split between his school work, his presidential duties, and Kai. There wasn’t space to squeeze in more into his saturated schedule.

Jong In knew better than to give himself false hope, though. He knew exactly what it felt like to be in an unrequited love, to secretly yearn for someone deep in your heart but never dare to voice it out, to have the longing gazes casted at the one you love unreturned, to have your heart ramming against your chest and every nerve in your body set on fire with the other’s mere proximity. He was like that with Kyung Soo, but it wasn’t the case with Kyung Soo. Never once had he looked back at Jong In with more than a friendly twinkle in his eyes.

But Jong In was like the dog in Aesop’s fable. He might not be able to eat the hay in the manger, but he’ll be damned to let anyone else have it. So he guarded Kyung Soo like a watchdog baring his teeth and attempting to bite anyone who came too close to the elder. It worked, too. People at school knew better than to mess with Kai’s best friend. Everyone found his protective nature sweet and endearing, and even though the real motive behind his actions was far from nice, as long as it did the trick Kai wasn’t going to complain. It was reassuring to see Kyung Soo remain single.

~~~

While Kai was made to retain his second year because of his terrible grades, Kyung Soo had been promoted to senior year along with the rest of their cohort and subsequently graduated ahead of the other. Their routines were no more. Kai stopped walking to school with him, the seat next to his became void of an occupant, he no longer had a companion during lunch, and he didn’t have anyone to trail after when school ended. Kyung Soo was too busy with doing up his resume and submitting college applications to really hang out with Kai either. But at least they could still text and gave each other random calls at night.

Then came the breaking point in their relationship. Kyung Soo, the studious bookworm hadn’t done well enough to be admitted into a local university, and his mother was sending him overseas. Jong In felt, no, knew it was all his fault that this happened.

The night before the major exam, Kyung Soo had burnt precious time mingling with sweaty bodies at some footballer’s party as he attempted to chase down Kai and ferry him home, but the younger was nowhere to be found until he popped up out of nowhere four hours later. The combination of insufficient preparation, along with the lack of sleep, had been fatal. Even then, Kyung Soo never blamed Jong In for his dismal results, which only served to make the other feel guiltier than ever.

“It’s all my fault you performed so badly for the exam, wasn’t it? If you hadn’t gone out to look for me, you would’ve been able to study more.” Jong In whispered tearfully as they were parting outside the departure gates at the airport. No one but the families of the two boys had turned up, and at the request of the elder their parents had stepped to the side to grant them both the privacy to exchange their last words.

“No it’s not, Jong In.” Kyung Soo soothed as he threaded his fingers through Jong In’s hair, his other hand rubbing circles on the younger’s back. “You have to stop blaming yourself. I chose to leave my house because I cared for you. It wasn’t an obligation but because I wanted to. No matter where I was or what time it was, I could never leave you behind.”

The balled firsts only tightened their grip on the elder’s shirt and wrung it out further. “But in the end it still boils down to me! It was because of me.”

Kyung Soo didn’t say anything in reply and merely Jong In’s head tenderly like how a mother would.

Perhaps this was a blessing in disguise. Jong In was growing tired of hurting whenever he was around Kyung Soo. He was weary of shedding tears for a man he could not have. Jong In needed to wean himself off Kyung Soo. He’d been overly reliant on the elder for too long now, and it was about time he stood on his own and learned how to walk again.

With renewed vigour Jong In pushed himself away from Kyung Soo and took a step back, holding the elder by his shoulders at arm’s length. Through his blurry gaze he met the eyes of the love of his life and mustered up a watery smile. “You should get going, Kyung Soo hyung. They’ll be opening the gates soon and you don’t want to miss your flight.”

“Jong In…” Kyung Soo began uncertainly as he reached a hand up to the younger’s face, only for the aforementioned boy to avoid the gesture and push the hand away. “Are you really–”

Jong In cut him off before he could continue. “I’ll be okay, hyung, really. You forget who I am. I’m the almighty Kai. I’ll survive. Go now, before I change my mind and tie you up to a chair and prevent you from leaving.”

Just like how you’ve tied an invisible string to my heart and would bring it to wherever you went.

“A–alright then,” Kyung Soo picked up the small duffel he set by his feet and turned towards the awaiting adults, bowing courteously before heading towards the departure gate. His steps slowed as he neared the custom officer and he threw a final worried gaze over his shoulder at his best friend who was now fighting to keep the array of emotions splaying across his face in check.

‘Go,’ Jong In mouthed. Kyung Soo firmed his clutch on his passport and nodded.

And he was gone. The outline of Kyung Soo’s back drifted further as he took more steps away from Jong In until it completely disappeared into the crowd. Jong In couldn’t comprehend why he loved watching Kyung Soo walk away from him anymore.

He blinked, and the first tear that fell was from his left eye.

~~~

Jong In rarely spoke to Kyung Soo in the time that he was overseas.

Firstly, he knew that he needed to get his own academics back on track or he wouldn’t be able to graduate, and so he cut the time he spent mulling around and devoted hours into his academics, pulling his grade average up from an F to a measly C. It wasn’t what anyone would regard as the dream score, but it was good enough for him because it wasn’t like he planning on going to law school or anything like that. He only wanted to join a dance crew or maybe even set up his own dance school, and all that prevented him from doing so was graduating high school which he finally did.

Secondly, he knew that Kyung Soo would be busy too, having to adjust to a totally new country, a new language, a new studying environment, and a new lifestyle. They would exchange the occasional message when they were both online but nothing more. No calls, no emails, no pictures. It was a far cry to what they were before, and Jong In was glad. It gave him the perfect opportunity to break off his addiction to the drug that was Do Kyung Soo, and momentarily, Jong In really thought that the distance between them did work.

Not seeing the elder’s face was supposed to help Jong In forget the wide, owl-like eyes and button nose and plush, full lips and mousy ears and flawless alabaster skin. But it’d only ceased to compel his brain memorise every single minute aspect of Kyung Soo’s features, as though he would ever truly forget what Kyung Soo looked like. What Jong In liked the most was the slightly asymmetrical jaw line that was sharper on the left and more rugged on the right, and the almond shaped eyes that would curve upwards whenever he smiled. And sometimes Jong In would imagine Kyung Soo lying down in bed next to him with his head pillowed comfortably on his chest, looking up at him with the angelic smile that no one else but the elder had perfected.

Not hearing the elder’s voice was supposed to help Jong In get over the way his name sounded coming from those luscious lips. Jong In. The way the warm honey tone clearly enunciated every syllable, his tongue curling around each consonant and relaxing with each vowel, sent pleasant tingles down Jong In’s spine and blood rushing down south. Without the elder physically here with him he imagined the voice calling out to him, laughing with him, speaking to him the same way Kyung Soo would.

And Jong In realised that being apart from Kyung Soo was a thousand times more like Hell than being close to him. He could only see him virtually, hear him virtually, and it was sending his imagination into overdrive. He could hardly tell hallucinations from reality anymore.

Kai stopped playing sports nine months into Kyung Soo’s departure. He couldn’t anymore. Whenever he stepped up onto the playing field all he could see and hear was Kyung Soo cheering for him on the bleachers; second row, third seat from the right like he always was when he was still around. Whenever he attempted to score a goal all he pictured in his head was the elder rushing over to him and throwing his skinny arms around his swear-slicked torso, congratulating him on another win.

Kai stopped studying twelve months after Kyung Soo left. It was too painful. Studying only reminded him of the habit that Kyung Soo used to have, how the elder would lie belly down on his mattress flipping through his thick lecture notes, highlighter wielded in his hand, while Jong In lazily played his computer games at his study desk. Because unlike Kyung Soo, he never once had the intention of going to college.

Kai stopped dancing eighteen months since they were apart. He couldn’t anymore. Whenever the music flowed and the beat came, all Jong In could see ahead of wasn’t his reflection in the floor length mirrors but Kyung Soo standing in front of him. What he heard wasn’t the song floating to his ears but Kyung Soo singing, his Heaven-sent voice reverberating around both of them in the empty studio.

Kai stopped existing. Jong In could only listlessly await the day of Kyung Soo’s return.