After locking ourselves in the studio for 18 hours, we finally finished our practice. My head was heavy. My eyes were burning because I practically haven’t slept since – you know. I knew I needed to rest but somehow, I could not close my eyes. Because every time I did, her images started to fly in, bringing back memories that I did not want to remember. So when we hit the road back from FNC to our dorm, I just sat there in silence.

I saw curious looks from my three brothers the entire day. But they were too afraid to ask and I was too in a bad mood to respond. But somehow, I just could not run away from Jung Shin - that kid and his endless curiosity.

“Hyung.. Are you really okay?” He asked me after he made sure that both Jong Hyun and Min Hyuk were fast asleep in the back seat.

“Hmm..” I murmured. Barely an answer but I seriously did not want to talk about it right now.

“Okay. I just want to make sure.” He added, “You’re our big brother after all. It’s annoying seeing you so quiet today.”

“Mian.” I looked at him for a second before turning my head to the window, trying to cut the conversation short.

“Gwenchana.” Jung Shin smiled half-heartedly. I know he wanted answers but not today, Jung Shin-i. Not today.

“Is it about hyungsoonim?” As I have expected, he continued. I didn’t know if he was so clueless that he did not understand my gesture or if he was just too shameless so that he keeps asking me questions.

“Jung Shin-ah,” I turned my body towards him, giving him a sharp glare, “Please.. not now..”

He was startled for a second. But he shortly understood, “Geurae.. Arasseo, Hyung. Mianhae.”

After he shut his mouth, he shut his eyes too, pretending to sleep. But I knew Jung Shin too well. My reaction just now was obvious to him. I snapped when he mentioned his hyungsoonim so he must concluded that it really was because of her.

Well, Jung Shin-ah, you were right. It was because of your beloved hyungsoonim. She was not your hyungsoonim anymore. She ditched all of us - me, her ex-husband/boyfriend, and the three of your, her brothers in laws.

No more delicious food from the fourth floor. No more cheerful greetings whenever we came back from overseas. No more parties at SM. No more hanging out with nine most beautiful girls in South Korea. No more free albums from SNSD. All of the benefits that you gained from my relationship with your hyungsoonim were gone, Jung Shin-ah. Because we were done. Because there were no more us.

I wanted to scream my lungs out. I wanted to shout out loud. I wanted to grab her by the shoulder and scolded her. I wanted to ask her, what the heck did I do wrong to deserve this? I was obviously mad and hurt.

I knew from the beginning that our relationship would be challenging. Keeping a relationship – a secretive one – in this entertainment business would not be easy. We were under people’s microscope 24/7. Our managements, fans, people in general were watching us closely. They were waiting for us to make the wrong move and they would not be afraid to attack us. Everybody always had something to say about us, whether it’s our work, or even our private lives. It required a lot of hard work and sacrifices. I understood that from the start and I told her, if she was not ready, then I would stop.

The night when I confessed to her, I already told her all the consequences that she might face if she was willing to accept me as her boyfriend. She knew them all. She understood them all since she was also coming from the same environment. But yesterday, she told me she was tired. What kind of nonsense was that?

She was a fool to let me go. And I was not going to let her be a fool.

So at 3 AM, when we arrived at our dorm, I ran directly to the fourth floor without saying anything to my dongsaengs. Jung Shin, being the last one who interrogated me, just smiled meaningfully after knowing that his guess was right after all.

And there it was, the door that separated her from me. The door which password I knew really well. I could just easily enter and asked her questions. But something was holding me back. I did not know what it was. So I just stood there. The bravery that I had before was gradually decreasing and replaced by doubt.

*

I supposed to be asleep.

But every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was him with his crooked smile, looking at me like he always did. And memories of him only made me feel worse.

The clock on my wall showed that it was already 3 in the morning. My schedule would start at 8AM so I desperately need some sleep. But I just could not.

My mind wandered to the times when Yong Oppa and I were together. I remembered the warmth that I felt in my heart on the night he confessed to me. Who would not fall for that guy? I was already holding in my feelings for him for a few months during our WGM days, doubting that he felt the same way. But then suddenly, right after our last filming, he told me that he loved me. He told me that he wanted to make it real.

As a person who had never been in a relationship before, I was taken aback by his action. I knew I like him. And the idea of turning our virtual relationship into a real one was very tempting. But that time, I knew that it would be really hard for us to maintain the relationship. We would be busy with our practice, promotions, concerts, filming, and other schedule that would consume most of our time. And as if understanding my doubt, he told me that he understood if I did not want to gamble my feelings. He told me that he was willing to take it slow. As long as I gave him the permission to date me, he told me that he would do everything in his power to protect me, to take care of me. He promised that he would not let me go.

So I said yes. Because I saw determination in his eyes, that night. Because I knew that he would never break his promise. Because I realized that I was the happiest whenever I was with him.

But it turned out, I was the one who break our promise.

I was so tired of living secretly like this. I missed him most of the time when he was away. I wanted to see him. I wanted to hug him before I went to bed and told him about how my day went. I wanted to be able to hold his hand and date in public, just like any other 22-year-old girls.

And he was away so many times lately. He was busy preparing for CNBLUE’s world tour, Japan arena tour, his drama filming, and composing songs for CNBLUE’s next album. He barely had time for me, not even replying my messages or returning my calls.

I was not so free either. I had the Girls & Peace Tour and other events to attend. Endless practices were packed in any other days when me and my unnies did not have to attend events. We had recording sessions for our next album. I still need to attend school too. Everything was just too much, I could not take it anymore.

I wanted him to be here with me, but he could not. I wanted to be there for him, but I could not. So tell me, why did we have to be in a relationship if it did not do any good for us?

Argh.. it frustrated me. I needed to clear my head. Or else I might go crazy.

*

The universe was in the mood for games that day because without them expecting anything, somehow, they ended up standing before each other. Surprised by the other’s presence.

“Oppa…” She whispered. Her eyes widened as if she just got struck by lightning. Her heart went crazy. She tried to pinch herself, making sure that it was real, not just her mere imagination. Maybe she was dreaming. Maybe he was just an illusion since she kept thinking about him the whole day.

“Ouch!” She screamed a little because apparently, she just hurt herself. It was not a dream. He was real. It was really him.

“Hyun…” He called her name carefully, not wanting to scare her away. He did not understand what happened or why Seohyun got out of her apartment just now, as if knowing that he had been standing in front of her door the whole time. If he wanted to follow his guts, he would grab her hand and hold it tight. Not even once he would ever let her go. But he resisted.

And suddenly, he saw tears started to flow on her white porcelain cheeks. All of the feelings that had been bottled up inside her heart burst out like water from broken pipe. She realized that she was being stupid and unreasonable. It had only been a day but the feeling of losing him was too much, “Oppa.. I’m sorry. I miss you.”

That was it.

Seeing her crying, he got nothing left to do but to follow what his heart had told him. Yong Hwa reached out his hands, pulling her into his arms, and held her tight. “Don’t ever do that again, Hyun. Don’t ever let me go.”

Under the full moon that was shining brightly in the darkest of Seoul sky, he kissed her forehead. He promised himself that whatever happened between them, he would never let her leave like this again. He would do everything to keep her safe beside him.

At the same time, she promised would love him with everything she had. She promised herself that whatever obstacles that they faced, she would be stronger. She would not let anything come between them, even if it was her own ego.

And there they were, reuniting their love. Promising each other, though not through said words, that as long as they love each other, it was enough.