“I think we should stop seeing each other.”

She said that without even bother to look me in the eye. She was looking outside the window, where the rain drizzled down and wet the gray asphalt. A few drops of the rain blurred the window pane. A gloomy weather, somehow it felt perfect for the occasion as I still could not believe my ears.

“Why?” I could only manage to ask her that one question. It sounded simple and short. But it required a lot of explanation. I required a lot of explanation.

I know we rarely see each other these days. Both of us are extremely busy with our own schedule. I had my world tour. So did she. She just finished shooting her first drama. Currently I am filming my own drama too. And in the midst of all that, somehow, we grew apart. I knew that.

But was that why?

“I can’t do this anymore.” She replied with a short but definite answer. “It’s too tiring. And I can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry.”

“Look at me in the eye and tell me again. Is that really what you want?” I asked her with a stronger tone. For a slight second, I was afraid of her answer. I was afraid that she would tell me something that I did not want to hear.

She hesitated for a second. Her fingers are fidgeting on the table. She bit her lower lip, showing her nervousness. I swore I saw a glimpse of tears at the corner of her eyes. But I knew her too well. She would not let her tears fall down in a public place like this, even when both of us are the only people around at that time.

Do you know that feeling when you know something really bad is going to happen? You feel it from the pounding in your heart. You see it from the other person’s action and reaction. It was as if the universe was telling you about some kind of bad aftermath through little details around you.

All I felt was that the time did not tick away. It crawled so slowly, making me feel a lot more anxious. And I could see it from the way she blinked her eyes. I could see it from the way she took her breath in. She looked burdened, making me realize that it was hard for her too.

Then slowly, after that blink, after she took a deep breath, she turned her face and looked me in the eye, as I told her to do. And here she comes, “I can’t do this anymore, Oppa. Let’s end this. Before either of us hate each other because we could not fit our own expectation anymore. Before I hate you because you could not be with me at the times when I want you to be. Before you hate me because I could not take care of you like I’m supposed to.”

Right at that moment, all I want is to have her in my arms, hold her, and tell her that I love her. I’d tell her that I would understand if she could not always be with me. I understand her career. I understand the life path that she decided to take. I understand because that is my life too. I wanted to tell her that nothing else matters as long as we have each other.

But I did not.

Instead, I took her hand and touched her trembling fingers. Another sign that she was holding a huge emotion within her. So was I.

“I love you, Seo Joo Hyun. You know that, right?” I smiled painfully, “But what can I do if someone that I love does not want to be with me anymore? What do you think I should do, Joo Hyun-ah?”

She stayed still. Then a tear fell down her cheek. I guess she just could not hold it anymore.

“Hyunni-ah, don’t cry.” I reached out my hand and wiped the tears off her face, “You look ugly when you cry. Do you know that?” I chuckled a little bit, trying to ease up the tense between us. But I know it failed instantly.

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Yong.” That was all she could say.

Then as I stood up, I walked to her side of the table. She followed my movement with her teary eyes. Then she stood up too. And without any feelings left out, I pulled her into my arms, trying to grasp every bit of memory and feelings that were left from both of us. I never expected today to be the last day of everything. This would be the last I hold her. This would be the last time I could smell that lovely lavender from her hair. Or the smell of rose, citrus mandarin, and peony from her favorite perfume. This would be the last time I tell her that I love her.

“Take care.” I whispered to her, “Now, you don’t have to be bothered by me being a choding. As I recall correctly, you hated it every time I act like an 8-year-old.” I looked at her and I smiled. Of course, I was just joking by telling her that she hated it. Because even though she nagged a lot, I knew she did it because she cared.

“I’m sorry, Oppa.” Her tears started to fall again. I wiped it with my thumb. I did not want my seeing her crying as my last memory of her. Even though she was the one to let me go.