New Year’s Eve

A freezing wind hits me and I pull my scarf a bit higher. The streets are only illuminated by a few street lamps and the air around me suddenly gets ripped by a loud bang. It doesn’t scare me though because I’m already used to the teenagers that can’t wait until it’s finally midnight. Today’s New Year's Eve, a day that you should usually celebrate with your family or friends. Normally I would be celebrating it now too; there are only a few hours of the old year left after all. But there is something else I need to do. After all those years I want to see you again. It isn’t enough for me anymore to only read about you in the news or the internet.

I stop in front of a big house that is fenced spaciously. A mansion that you would like for sure. I don’t know if you really live here; that’s only the address your manager gave to me years ago. I never dared to visit you until now. Maybe you don't even live here, you move very often after all. You only stay at a place until fans or paparazzi get to know where you are, then you leave. Sometimes to another street or city but other times to a complete different country. You're always on the run.

I approach the fence and look through the big gate. The lights inside the house are still so somebody seems to be home. I hope it's you.

"Can I help you, sir?"

For a moment I'm so confused that I don’t even know where the voice is coming from. Then I see a strict-looking guard sitting in the small cubicle behind the gate. I hesitate before I dare to go a few steps closer.

"I'm…," I take a nervous look at on my gloves, "You know, I don’t know if the person I'm looking for lives here anymore." Little clouds rise in front of my mouth as I speak. It's really cold out here.

The guard gives me an understanding nod. He starts searching for something on his desk until he finds what he's been looking for. "Why don’t you give me your name? If it's on this list, you can get in. If not then you don’t have the permission to enter."

A list? Of course, you don’t let everybody get close to you. I doubt that I'm part of the people you let enter your house. That would mean that you would think about me now and then. Or maybe… you're even wishing for me to visit you.       
I tell the guard my name and he starts searching for it. While he's searching all my hope leaves me, but as he looks up, he smiles.

"You're on it. Please come in."

He pushes a button and a small door at the fence opens. I hesitate for a moment before I step through it, I thank the guard with a quick bow and walk slowly up to the house. It almost looks like a little castle, just like what you've been dreaming of back then.

"You know, someday I'm going to live in a castle. A really big one and everything in it will belong to me. With a pool, hundreds of rooms and a bunch of beautiful girls."

"You'll have a butler too, right?"

"That's right. And I'm going to have a cook as well. And a chambermaid! I'll just enjoy my life and be the happiest person on this planet!"

I climb up a few stairs until I reach a big wooden door. I can't see a doorbell so I lift my hand to knock but before I can do so the door suddenly opens. A small man with gray hair and nice clothes appears in front of me.

"Good evening, sir. Please get in," he says and takes a step to the side so I can enter. I take off my jacket and my shoes and hand them over to him before I slip into a pair of house shoes he gives to me. He points to a corridor on the right as I'm finished. "He's waiting in the living room."

I nod and start moving. The bright walls are riddled with pictures and frames. I see halls full of people, happy fans and you on stage. You're smiling. I can see pictures of other prominent people you've met. I'm kind of astonished.

I stop at the end of the corridor. In front of me lays a big room that's very well appointed. In one corner stands a big and beautiful Christmas tree. Christmas – the festival of love. I wonder if you've been celebrating it alone. I glance around and find a fire crackling in a big open stove. Facing the stove there's a comfortable armchair and sitting on it… there's you.

All of my courage that has been leading me here disappears within a heartbeat. What was I thinking? You won't be happy to see me, of course you won't. I'm sure you forgot me, just like I should have. Our friendship – it vanished some long time ago.

"Once we're famous and you own your castle with hundreds of rooms – do you think we'll still be friends like we are now?"

"Of course we will! We'll be standing on stage together and travel around the world just like we always wanted. Why do you even think about such things?"

I take a closer look at you. You're more hanging than sitting on your chair. Your head leans against the back rest and you stare into the flames, your eyelids almost closed. You look exhausted and pale. But maybe I'm mistaken; it's really dark in here.

"You have a visitor, sir." The butler speaks up and tears me out of my thoughts. You take no notice of him and he leaves. My heart beats fast. How will you react?     
There's a moment of dead silence, just the crackling of the fire tells me that I'm not deaf. Then, very slowly, your head turns and you look at me. You look a bit older but just like I used to know you. The last time I looked into those eyes there had only been hate and anger – now they're empty. There's no emotion in them, simply nothing. Even the sparkling in them when you were raving about your dreams is gone. You're living your dream right know, how can it be gone?

You examine me and I would be lying if I said that I like it. But then your gaze suddenly changes. You look at me incredulously however you don’t say a word. I wouldn’t wonder if you'd finally ask me who I am.

"Is that really you?" you ask me suddenly, your voice hoarse. I nod slowly and don’t dare to say a word. You still look at me and if I hadn’t watched your change back then I would've thought there was a spark of wistfulness in your gaze. But you're not wistful. Not because of me.

You whisper my name, very low. I almost didn’t catch it for the crackling of the fire seems suddenly so loud. A sad smile appears on my lips. "So you still know me," I murmur and look at the ground, "I wish I could say the same about you."

You blink as I look back up. The person I used to know as a friend and someone very special to me wouldn’t have agreed to this comment. The person I used to know would have defended himself, that is what you had always done when there had been something you couldn’t agree with. Maybe you would have gotten angry and screamed at me. I'd even appreciate that instead of this silence. You look back to the fire.

"Why are you here?"

"Do I need a reason to visit my best friend?"

The corners of your mouth pucker but the grimace you're making is far away from a smile. "We aren’t friends anymore."

"What's wrong with you?! I don’t even recognize you anymore!"

"Recognize? Me?! You should've known me to do that!"

"I know you better than anybody in this world! But please, when you continue doing what you do then there won't be anyone left who knows you!"

"If that's the fact, why is my name still on your list?" I ask. You don’t look at me but I can see that you're looking for the right words. You stop your research.

"Maybe because I… don’t want to let my past go."

"So I am the past for you?"

You nod. "You're not part of my current life anymore."

"Without me there w