Hi everyone! I hope you enjoy this oneshot. I found out this morning about Dongho leaving, and this literally just came pouring out. I listened to U-KISS A Shared Dream while writing it, so if you want, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8eAVuQPt3Y if you want to listen to it while you read. It's a gorgeous song by them I just found recently, so if you haven't heard it, I recommend it.

______________________________

Kiseop counted for the rest of the members as they went through their new choreography for the tenth time that morning, and studied each member’s movements carefully while going through it himself. When the music finally faded and the room was silent, Dongho wiped the sweat dripping down his neck and left for a drink of water, leaving the rest of the members to exchange glances, but not say a word.

Five minutes later, Dongho returned and Kevin stood up from where he had been lying. “Let’s go through it again.” He said, heading to the boom box to restart the track. The other members nodded and stood up, but Dongho stayed where he was.

"Come on Dongho.” Eli said, nudging the maknae with his foot as he passed him to get into formation. Dongho didn’t move and simply stared into space.

"Hey, space cadet,” Soohyun knelt next to Dongho and pulled his arm to get him into a standing position. “We’re starting. Let’s go!”

Dongho didn’t stand. “I don’t want to.” He said without even glancing away from the spot on the wall at which he was staring. If he looked hard enough, he could see a pattern beginning to form and he almost wished he could jump right into that pattern and disappear forever.

"What do you mean, you don’t want to?” Hoon and Kiseop asked at the same time. One doesn’t “not want to” do anything in this business.

Now Dongho looked at them, and a trace of anger showed in his otherwise blank expression. “I meant I don’t want to. Is that too difficult to understand?”

No one reacted to this query aside from a few eyebrow raises. No one quite knew what to say. Dongho flushed at the combined scrutiny and glanced back at the swirling patterns on the wall, imagining a black hole opening up and swallowing him whole so he wouldn’t have to explain to the other members.

Unhappiness is a funny thing; it kind of sneaks up on you when you least expect it and even then you’re sure you’re being delusional. It’s not an emotion, it’s a state of mind, and how concrete is a state of mind? After all, why would anyone in his position have any reason to be unhappy? It’s hard to admit to yourself, but even harder to admit to others, especially when the others in question will probably disregard it.

“Dongho?” Dongho shook himself out of these thoughts as one of the others in his mind spoke up a bit uncertainly and he stood. The other members nodded and started getting in formation, thinking that their youngest was about to join them, but he didn’t. He simply strode past them and out the door without another word.

The U-KISS members looked at each other and sat on the floor again silently. There was no point in starting again without Dongho.

************************

He didn’t know when it had started sneaking up. A twinge of dissatisfaction here, and flash of annoyance there, a fit of anger alone in his room at night How much can one person stand? The constant scrutiny not only by outsiders, but the people he was closest to. Being compared to everyone under the sun from his own members to members of other groups. Having to constantly be on his toes no matter where he was, because you never know when a camera would be watching.

But had he ever really been happy? Had he ever been satisfied? Sure, performing was fun and he got an adrenalin rush from it, but was it really worth the costly price he had to pay each and every day?

Soon, dread was his constant companion. A person can’t function as a normal human being with the fear of messing up so prevalent all the time. And how does one get rid of it? Acting only makes it worse, makes you feel like you’re putting on a front for everyone, including yourself. You try to convince yourself that you’re happy, feeling like you’re presenting a mask for everyone else, and eventually, it’ll become true for you as well. With every smile you put on, with every laugh captured on camera, with every note sung soulfully into the mic in your hand, with every dance move before screaming fans, you add another layer to that mask until it becomes impossible to take off, even in private with none but yourself to see.

He dreaded waking up. He dreaded putting on makeup. He dreaded the dread itself in the pit of his stomach. The mere sight of a camera was liable to give him a panic attack. He hated the heavy feel of his fingers curled around a mic. He stopped eating; he couldn’t eat with such a weight in his stomach, and the layers he could almost feel over his face. He didn’t recognize himself. And who was he anyway? He had debuted so young, he never got a chance to really find out.

Dongho sat on his bed with his head in his hands. The iPod sitting next to him was silent, the tangled headphones dangling over the side and partially in his hands, evidence of his attempt to untangle them before giving up. The TV across the room was similarly silent, which was something the members were now worried about. His TV was always on. No matter what.

He knew they were home; he’d heard the door open and the sound of his name being called. He answered only to let them know he was here and they shouldn’t go searching for him. He had locked his door so they couldn’t disturb him during the phone call he was about to make. He slid his finger across the screen and tapped out the four-digit passcode to enter his phone. He activated his speed dial and put the phone to his ear, hands shaking, heart pounding, as the man on the other end answered with a curious, “Hello?”

"Hyung,” Dongho whispered. “I need to talk to you.”

**************************************

“Okay, guys,” U-KISS’s manager gathered the seven of them around a week later. “I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like first?”

The members glanced at each other. “Good news.” Hoon said quickly.

The manager sat back in his chair and acquiesced with their choice. “You’re going to be making a comeback in October. You’ve got a whole new concept I think you’re going to like.” He smiled as the members clapped and whooped in delight at the news. They’d been waiting for almost a year to make a comeback; maybe this one would be it. Maybe this one would be the one to win them the award they desperately wanted. Just one. Just one award, and they would be satisfied. They’d work harder than ever with this one.

Dongho stood from his chair after cringing away from AJ’s congratulatory slap on the back and walked out of the room. Only Soohyun noticed; the others were busy celebrating. The leader looked after the maknae with a concerned look on his face and glanced at the manager to see if he had noticed.

Not only had he noticed, but he had been the one to nod at Dongho to leave the room. AJ suddenly remembered that there was bad news yet to come. “So...hyung, what’s the bad news?”

Their manager kept his face carefully blank and leaned forward in his chair, the members unconsciously copying him and leaning closer to form a tight circle. He hesitated for second before saying, “You will be promoting the album as only six members.”

At first, they didn’t understand. “What do you mean? Does someone have a different schedule or something?” Kiseop asked, looking around at the other members, who were all shrugging. None of them had anything planned in the near future that would conflict with a comeback.

“Wait, where’s Dongho?” Eli asked suddenly, looking all around the practice room for their youngest member. The others realized he was no longer with them and felt a cold splash of trepidation dampen the fire of their excitement.

The manager looked serious. “He will not be joining you in your new album.”

“Why not?” Kevin asked, starting to get upset. “He’s part of the group, isn’t he? Why wouldn’t he be part of the album?”

This was the part he had been dreading. There was no book on breaking bad news. There was no website with the title “Telling people you care about that someone they care about is never coming back.” There was nothing in the world that would soften the blow he was about to deliver, nothing in the world that would make it any less than earth-shattering for the six young men sitting in front of him with curious, slightly wary expressions on their faces.

“Guys, I wish I didn’t have to tell you this. I wish there was an easier way for this to happen. But Dongho has decided to leave U-KISS.”

If the room was silent before, it was nothing to how deafening it was now. While normal silence has something almost comforting about it, a silence caused by stunned disbelief has nothing to do with comfort. It’s full of shock, denial, and a sense of wanting to turn back to a happier time.

“You’re lying.” Soohyun was the first person to speak. “This is a really sick hidden camera isn’t it?” He got up and started frantically searching the room for concealed cameras, looking behind the curtains over the window, crawling on the floor by the mirrors, craning his neck to look at the ceiling corners. He wiped his cheek every few seconds where a tear escaped his eyes. “I’m not giving you the reality you wanted.”

The rest of the members, meanwhile, just stared in disbelief at their manager, willing him to smile, say it was all a joke, and apologize for scaring the flying heck out of them. When he didn’t, Kevin’s chin began to tremble.

“Why?” He asked softly, his voice beginning to waver. “Was...” he swallowed and blinked hard. “Was it something we did? Did we hurt him? Can we talk to him? Can we apologize?”

“He wanted to be alone right now.” The manager said quietly, staring at the table by the door. “It had nothing to do with you. I’ve never seen a boy so conflicted about what his decision will do to others. He wants nothing but the best for you guys.”

“Why didn’t he tell us himself?” Eli asked, semi-angrily. “Is he scared?”

“If he was, he shouldn’t be!” Kiseop said hotly. “Why should he be scared?”

Soohyun rejoined them at the table, having failed to find the elusive hidden cameras. “I’d be scared.” He said bluntly. “I’d be scared about what you guys would say. I would be scared at having to explain myself to you, especially if those reasons were things I couldn’t explain even to myself. Why shouldn’t he be scared?” he stared around at all of them, daring them to say a word against Dongho.

Kevin’s shoulders were heaving with sobs by this point, and Eli slid an arm around them, pulling him closer and allowing the new maknae to cry onto the sleeve of his t-shirt, darkening the color with his tears.

"W-what’re we going to do?” Kiseop asked faintly, stubbornly not allowing the tears he could feel building in his throat to escape through his eyes. “He’s our most popular member.”

No one answered.

********************************    

Dongho sat miserably on the couch in the dorm. He knew that the other members were getting the news of their new album, but he wished it didn’t have to be tainted with his departure. His fingers twisted in his lap as he slumped into the soft fabric of the cushions. The TV was on in front of him, but he wasn’t looking at it. He didn’t even know what he had . He needed background noise, anything to give him an excuse not to listen to the way his mind was screaming at him.

He’d thought he would feel relieved when he finally made the decision after several long talks with his manager, his parents, and the CEO of the company. He’d thought the terrible weight in his stomach would dissolve and he could think clearly again. He felt some degree of relief, but for the most part, nothing had changed. He still felt the rock in his stomach and the mask on his face, and he knew it would take a long time to remove it. He was too used to putting on a front in public and in private that he didn’t even think he knew how to show true emotion anymore.

So deep was he in his thoughts that he didn’t immediately register the door opening and the six older members trooping in solemnly, as though condemned. When he did turn around, the other members watched his eyes widen and his fingers fumble for the remote to turn the TV off. All he managed to do was raise the volume to a roar that filled the dorm with sound before he finally located the power button, leaving a silent void in it’s place.

"H-hyungs—“ He stammered, stumbling to his feet and backing away from them. He noticed that more than one of the other members’ eyes were red and puffy. “I was...was just going to...to go—“

The anxiety and nervousness in his voice made the other members feel their hearts break all over again. They knew he didn’t have to be scared of them, but it appeared that he didn’t know that.

Soohyun went to their nervous maknae and he flinched, expecting a punch or something of the sort. Soohyun merely put an arm around Dongho’s shoulders and sat with him on the couch again. The other members joined them, taking the remaining space on the couch and the floor in front of it. No one said anything and everyone avoided each other’s eyes.

Finally, Dongho’s small voice broke through the silence. “I’m so sorry.” He whispered, staring down into his lap. “I-I just can’t anymore.”

“Can’t what?” Kiseop asked softly, keeping his voice level.

"I can’t. I just can’t.” Dongho didn’t seem to be able to say anything else to clarify his feelings. Everything had been repressed for so long that words could no longer describe anything. “Everything is too much. It’s not...it’s not good for me.” Dongho could feel his throat constricting and he rubbed his eyes, willing nothing to come out. He felt a need to keep talking, to make them listen, to make them understand that this life could no longer be his. “I’m not me. I’m not anyone. I’m a living mask that can’t find satisfaction anywhere. Hyung, I’m so unhappy. I love U-KISS, and I want everything to always go well for us, but I just can’t keep up the façade anymore.” Dongho felt Soohyun’s hand tighten over his shoulders, and this one gesture, whether unconscious or not, broke the dam. Dongho began heaving with sobs, tears pouring out of his eyes in floods and dripping from his chin onto his pants, each teardrop creating it’s own pattern before sinking into the fabric. “I just don’t know who I am anymore! Maybe you can keep acting, but I just can’t. I want to go to school. I want to just be a student.

“I’m so sorry for what this is doing to you. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, I wish I could have received an award as a member of U-KISS, I wish you didn’t have to deal with me leaving, I wish I was a stronger person, I wish my health wasn’t so precarious, I wish...I just wish...I just wish everything was different.”

Eli, Kiseop, AJ, Hoon, Kevin, and Soohyun listened to the maknae silently, understanding each muffled and swallowed word along with the tears. Kevin had started crying again, and Kiseop and Soohyun were not far behind.

"Dongho-ah, you know that we always support you. We don’t blame you, and we don’t resent you.” Eli said, putting a hand on Dongho’s arm.

"Why not?” Dongho wailed. “Why aren’t you angry at me? Why can’t you yell at me?”

"How could we yell at you?” Kiseop asked, wiping the back of his hand across his eyes. “How could we get angry with you? We see how difficult this decision was for you, and we know that you thought long and hard about it.”

"We also know that this is not something you would ever take lightly.” AJ said, swallowing his own tears. “We know that if you could, you would stay. But you can’t, you can’t. I admire you for that, Dongho. I really do.”

Dongho looked up at him, his eyes bloodshot and streaming with tears. He sniffled for a minute and accepted the tissue that Hoon had gotten for him. “You do?”

“I think you’re being very brave.” Kevin said, wiping his own eyes with the second tissue that Hoon had handed him. “It’s not an easy thing to do.”

“But...but what about you?”

The others looked at each other. “You might not be there, Dongho-ah,” Soohyun said, squeezing his shoulders again. “But you’ll always be our maknae. And we'll always be there for you.”

_____________________________________

I wish Dongho all the best in whatever he chooses to do, and I'm sure U-KISS will continue being amazing and work incredibly hard even without the maknae.

Thanks for reading!

~Ever_Lasting_Friend