TWO YEARS AGO

          It’s been three years since graduation, and I am so lucky to have been the first fresh graduate to be recruited into my uncle’s firm. He’s promised that to me long before my last semester. Now, my life is on the right track, and it’s never been better than this. I am no longer an intern at my uncle’s firm, meaning I’m a partner and I have colleagues. I’ve won almost ten cases in the last fifteen months and I paid my price. Or rather they did, decently. Yeah, three years ago being a lawyer was my dream job and now? I’m totally living it. And not to mention my awesome and lovely girlfriend, Sungmin, who has always been by my side. I’ve known her since high school, but was a fool to only realize my true feelings for her at senior year in college. We and Shindong were inseparable back then. And when we started dating, Shindong became sulkier because he was afraid that we might forget him. Of course we wouldn’t. Shindong is practically Sungmin’s brother and my closest friend at high school. Fortunately he met Nari a few months after Sungmin and I got together.

          She’s always been supportive of me and is the most amazing person in the whole universe. She was there for me the entire week forgetting her internship when I was dealing with my parents’ death two years ago. There’s no one like her. Sungmin’s career might not be as smooth as mine. For one, I have my uncle in this line and he promised to take care of me—my career—after my parents passed away. But I totally earned it. While Sungmin did the same, fate has its own way for her.

***

          Sungmin’s home late tonight. I know she’s called earlier saying that she’d be late, but she’s never missed dinner. We always have dinner together. It’s always been like that ever since we dated four years ago. The door to the apartment clicks and I dash towards the front to see my beautiful girl draped in thin snow walks inside, slightly shivering. I’ve brought a heating package and immediately hand her so that she could be warm.

          There is something off in her face, but I can’t really fathom what—or why. She smiles at me and I give her a quick peck on the lips. Somehow I miss her tonight. I was about to prolong the kiss when she suddenly pulls back and hugs me instead. “Hey, is everything okay?” I ask, a little concern.

          Sungmin doesn’t answer. Then after a few moments, she finally speaks, “Can you just hold me tonight?” she says tiredly.

          “Sure. But let’s get inside first.” I lead us both to the living room and plop ourselves onto the fluff couch I had bought for her. She had fallen in love with this loveseat at first sight when we went furniture shopping a few years ago. I wrap one arm around her shoulder and the other on her middle, nuzzling her hair as she rests her head on my chest. There’s something wrong, I can feel it. Sungmin has always been a tough girl, being the stern lawyer she is—I’ve seen what she can do in the debate class on high school. She’s always had this side of her that tells me she is the potential successful lawyer. It’s just a matter of time.

          And now she’s lying here limply, almost hopelessly as if the life has been taken from her. “How was your day?” I ask.

          Her arms around my middle tighten. She doesn’t have to tell me—I understand; another rejection from another firm. Sungmin has been applying for internships for almost two and a half years now, from the small firm, a not so big firm, to a huge firm that was recruiting fresh graduates. Except, Sungmin’s not a fresh graduate anymore now. Not after three years. I’ve offered her a job at my uncle’s firm but she said she didn’t want me to give her anything on this matter, said she wanted to be independent and wanted to earn it. I kiss the top of her head, giving the comfort she needs. “It’s okay. Someday smarter people will find out about your talent and you’ll get the job.”

          “You’ve been saying that for two years now, Kyu.” She said weakly.

          “It’s true though. You’re talented and you’re good at this, Min. Those ignorant bastards are just too stupid to realize that.”

          She falls silent. I don’t get it. Normally it works and she always laughs at that, if not smile. But not this time, and I’m starting to get worried. I look down to assess her face. What I see definitely worries me. She looks scared, afraid, like something more has happened—something bigger. I can’t help but lift her face so that she faces me. “Hey, tell me.”

          She stares at me for the longest time, searching something in my eyes. That makes me anxious. Then a after a long nervy moment, she pulls away from me and takes a few inches back to make a distance between us. I’m starting to get really nervous. Sungmin takes a deep silent breath before releasing it, then she looks at me in the eye. “That night a few weeks ago when we…” she trailed.

          “Yeah…?” I scrunch my brows, not sure where this is going. I remember that night. I was so stressed from a case and Sungmin was there to cheer me up. Dinner turned into some sort of stripping show—from her for me.

          Sungmin closes her eyes for a brief moment then opened it again, this time looking at anywhere but mine. “That particular day I forgot to take my pills…” She leaves the sentence hanging there.

          “What, what are you telling me?” She lifts her gaze and tries to gauge my reaction. She looks hopeful and scared at the same time. Then it strike me like a lightning. I can feel my jaw slowly hanging open as I watch her carefully. “You’re pregnant?!” I may have sounded a bit loud but I can’t help it. I’m really beyond surprised.

          “I’m five weeks old,” she replied in a very small volume that I can barely hear her.

          “How can you be so sure? Have you gone to the doctor yet?”

          “I went there earlier before home.”

          I scoff. I stand up from where I sit, ignoring the look on her eyes. Unbelieveable. I can’t have a baby now. Not in at least three more years. I’m not even sure when I’m going to get married. My career has just begun and everything’s at prime. A pregnant girlfriend is the last thing on my list right now. I turn abruptly and look at Sungmin. She’s sitting there beautifully, yet painfully looking back at me with God knows whatever she has in her mind. What was she thinking?! How could she forget something so crucial like that? Of all days she forgets to take her pills, she chose that day that she decided to do a in front of me. Un—ing—believeable.

          “Kyu?” Sungmin calls me with that tone she uses whenever she’s trying to get to me.

          “What.” I snap. She flinches when she sees my expression. Damn right I’m mad. “What the hell, Min?” I raise my voice. “I thought we agreed no mistake until marriage?!” I flail my arms.

          “I’m sorry,” her voice shakes and her lips quiver.

          “How can you forget?! It’s part of your routine and you know how active we are!” I start shouting.

          “I know, I said I’m sorry, okay? I just… forgot…” A lone tear escapes but she wipes it quickly when it reaches her cheek.

          I’m so angry right now. She knows damn well that I’m focusing on my career right now. We both are, dammit. How can she be so careless about this?!

          “I… I want… to keep the child, Kyu.”

         I scowl. “Oh what, now you want me to marry you? Because I sure as hell am not going to tell you to kill the baby.” She flinches, but I continue. “We’re not ready for this, Min, we’re not! I’m not stable enough to start a family and you’re still jobless.”

        At the mention of her state, abruptly she stands up, one hand on her stomach. I’m guessing it’s instinctively a protective gesture. “I am not asking you anything, Kyuhyun,” she starts with a stern voice, as loud as mine. “And don’t talk to me about stability, we both know you have more than enough to start something. I may be jobless but I care about this baby.”

          “Yeah? Well I don’t. Because soon as you start bloating, you’re gonna want my attention and I can’t afford you that. Not in the next four… or five months…” I speak louder this time as I take a step closer to her.

          Sungmin closes the distance even more, looking fiercer than ever. “You have stopped giving me your attention ever since you were placed permanently on the firm. I have only been patient enough and praying every day that you might change back—but you never did. I know you’re an but this. Is. Your. Child that you’re talking about.” She barks through greeted teeth as she jabs her finger to my chest.

        “You’re one to talk, you’re just as driven as I am. Everytime I come home you’re always sleeping so don’t blame me if we can’t communicate.”

          “That’s because I’m tired of waiting for you to come home! Sometimes I wonder if you would even come home. Sometimes I wonder if you would stop calling me for dinner. Why won’t you have dinner at home anymore, Kyu, huh?!” Sungmin is angry now.

          “I told you, Min, a hundred times! I can’t leave the office before ten whenever we have a case. What part of it that you don’t understand?! And don’t turn this on me, we’re talking about your pregnancy here.”

          “Our pregnancy, Kyu. It’s our baby.”

          “Oh, now you’re putting me into this mess? Did you think of my say on this when you decided to forget taking your goddamn pills? Huh?!”

          Sungmin doesn’t retort. She has never lost an argument before, not even with me. Though she doesn’t look defeated now, she looks—resolved. Her chest rises up and down as she takes fast breaths from the heated shoutings. Once she calmed herself a bit, she speaks again, although there’s still fierce in her voice. Just like the Sungmin I know. “This is not a mess, Kyuhyun. This is our child. And it sure as hell is not a mistake.”

          My mind is still racing inside and I still can’t register the idea of Sungmin having my baby. This is just insane to me. “Well what do you want me to do, Min? Because I can’t raise a child in the near time.” Another tear swims down Sungmin’s chubby cheek. Followed by another, then another, then they never stop flowing. She sobs but she never let her gaze falter from my eyes. Despite the tears, she still looks strong and stern, always manage to awe me.

         Something makes my heart ache. It was probably the tear, or probably the hurt in her eyes. I know I’ve hurt her, I know that. But I stand to my decision. I’m just not ing ready for a family. I need to be more stable to be able to provide her with a decent life. What I have right now is still not enough. Then Sungmin squares her shoulders and resolved. She turned to grab her purse and faces me once more. “You just answered your own question, Kyu.” And then she leaves. And never turns back.

***

          A few days later Shindong knocks on my door. I open the door and he swings his fist to my nose and I bleed. I know I deserve it, so I don’t complain or whine, or even flinch. I just take it. And he knows it. He steps in without a word and goes straight to my bed room. I follow him short after wiping my nose. I think it’s broken.

          I watch as he pulls all of Sungmin’s clothes out of the wardrobe. Her underwears, her jewelries, her perfumes, her cosmetics, everything. And I can’t do anything but to watch him. It’s hurt in my chest. It hurts like hell, but still, I know I deserve that pain. I’ve hurt Sungmin and she will never forgive me, no matter what I say. I’ve known her for more than five years and she’s tough to break. Our previous fights never extended to shouting like last time. So this must be the worst. And there’s no way back.

          Shindong continues to pack Sungmin’s things. He’s now shoving Sungmin’s shoes to the huge luggage. I already miss seeing her in those heels. I can feel my eyes starting to dampen, but I refuse to let it wet any further and choke back the lump on my throat. “Where’s she staying?” I sound so weak, so hopeless. I always am when it comes to Sungmin.

          “She doesn’t want to see and speak to you,” Shindong answered ignorantly without looking at me.

          When he finishes, the gigantic pink luggage I’m sure is now full and is really heavy. But Shindong drags it without effort, as if it weighs nothing. He stops a few steps before me. “You ed up, Kyu, really ed up. I’ve never seen her so hurt like that. But I know you love her and that she loves you, so I’ll give you one…last…chance…” he lifts a finger to my face. “She’s two floors above me, room 10.” And then he’s gone from my sight.

          The door slams and I walk to my bed and sit on it. I prop my elbows against my knees and burry my face between my palms. The room still smells like her. I can still feel her hugging me from behind whenever I’m in this position. I look back, and somehow the bed looks bigger. The fact the she won’t be sleeping her anymore makes it look cold. I can perfectly picture her coming out of that bathroom door wearing shorts and my big tee, ready for bed. I can remember her waking me up for work every goddamn morning with her sweet kisses.

          Suddenly the room feels tight and suffocating, and I need some air. I bolted out of the room and grab my coat from the hanger. A drink would ease it all.

PRESENT TIME

          Uncle has handed me the file of the new case I’m going to be in charge with. This time I’m going to have a little help from the new intern. I can’t help but remember my own rookie times. I open the file and search through the papers. It’s a quite big case. I’ll be handling a Chinese artist who’s filing a lawsuit against his agency; something about racism. After reading the file, somehow I feel a little bit emotional. I begin to loath this agency for their discrimination of this artist and his nationality. They weren’t being fair with him. I have a family in China myself so I will be more than happy to have this case pro bono.

          I will win this case. I will face whoever counselor that’s going to represent this agency. Speaking of which, I need to know who it is. I punch some number and start making a call. Ryeowook has a large connection so she must’ve known. “Yes, Kyu?”

          “Hey, are you busy?”

          “Not at the moment. The court’s in recess. What’s up?” she sounded cheerful as usual.

          “You know I’m handling the Hang Geng case, right?”

          “Yeah, your uncle mentioned it earlier. Why?”

          “Do you have any idea who’s my opponent in this? I need to know about them and I need to learn about them.”

        “Well, it must be your lucky day, because I happen to know the person myself.” She paused for a brief second. “It’s Lee Sungmin, just search through our database and you’ll find her files.”

          I can’t breathe. The rest of Ryeowook’s words I can’t hear. I didn’t realize that I’ve been ignoring her for seconds until she speaks a little louder calling my name, bringing me back to the ground. “Y—yeah, thanks. Thanks wook.” Then I hang up. I can’t believe this finally happens. I’ll be against her. I’ll see her again after all these years.

          This past two years Sungmin has made her name. She’s working in one of the most renowned law firm in Seoul and is one of the highest paid lawyers in Korea. I heard that she’s also happily moving on with The Governor’s son, Choi Siwon, engaged. I’ve seen their picture together on the newspaper; they looked happy. I’m happy for her. Funny. I shouldn’t feel hurt or sad. I’m the one that hurt her and push her away, so she deserves better. I should push this tingling of ache in my chest away and ignore it forever. Of course I should be moving on too. But the thing is, I simply can’t.

          Sungmin has been haunting my every night ever since that day. That day where I left her alone in the hospital when she was under heavy sedation from the massive internal bleeding. I can’t stop from blaming myself for her miscarriage. For the death of our unborn child. Shindong had told me that she overworked herself. I made her overwork herself. I know it. It’s typical Sungmin. She had always tried to prove herself when somebody’s judging her wrong.

          She was seven months old and was already bulging. Only two months left, but that little person never made it. I can’t even start to fathom how hurt it must be for her. Physically and mentally. And I wasn’t there for her. A tear slips down my cheek and I let them. This isn’t the first tear that rolls whenever I’m thinking back to that day. I am an , just like she said to me. In fact, I am more than that. I couldn’t even stay at the hospital because I couldn’t face her when she woke. I wouldn’t. I was afraid of her reaction upon seeing me. I was afraid she might reject me. So instead of holding her right there on the bed, I left. The second biggest mistake I’ve made in my twenty-seven years of life.

          A knock on my door wakes me from my reverie and I sweep my cheek roughly and sniff. My secretary pops her head through the wooden door.

          “Kyuhyun-ssi, Hangeng-ssi is here.”

          I clear my throat to prevent from sounding too hoarse. It’s too dry that it almost hurts. “Ah, yes send him in.”

***

          It’s colder than usual tonight. Maybe it’s the weather. Or maybe it’s because of the fact that I’m alone in my office while the entire world is celebrating the change of the year. Or maybe it’s because of the fact that tomorrow is Sungmin’s birthday and memories of how we used to celebrate both her birthday and the first day of the year simultaneously are swimming in my head. The whiskey on my hand is the only thing that keeps me warm tonight. Although only a bit, but still. My lavish coat does nothing on it. I don’t care. I can’t. All I can think about is how I’d pretty much give everything to just celebrate Sungmin’s birthday one more time. But would she? Of course not. I’m the douchebag in her life, why would she want to see me?

          A silhouette of a person caught my eyes from outside the office. I look at my watch; it’s ten already. Whoever that is they are definitely going to be late to their party. I finish my fourth glass. Fortunately I’m good at holding my liquor so I am the furthest from tipsy. I decide it’s time to go home. I’ll just call it a heck of a night and hit the bed before everybody in Seoul starts counting down the night.

          After locking my office, I turn to walk and am surprised to see Ryeowook walking out of her office. “Wookie?”

          She looks up from her door and is as surprised as I am. “Kyu! I was just picking up some stuff that I forgot. You look…” she takes the step closer to me. “Have you been drinking?” I furrowed my brows. Acting a bit offended to hide the truth. But it’s Ryeowook here, she’s known me since we were interns together so she’s pretty much my closest friend here at work. And she knows me like my own sister. “Your shirt’s wrinkled, you wear your coat inside, and the smell is unmistakable. Whiskey?”

         See? There’s no need in lying. I merely shrug my shoulders and decide that I don’t want to talk about my drinking habit whenever I’m distressed to her. Oh, she knows it alright. I just don’t want to discuss with her what is it that makes me stressed out. She doesn’t know about my past with Sungmin and I suppose it’s better that way. There’s no need to connect the dots, I won’t be meeting her anyway. I’ve decided to give the case to Changmin. It’s becoming a bit personal to me.

          Our shoulders brush as I walk pass her towards the elevator. Then I hear the click of her heels behind me, assuming that she’s heading towards the lift too. We stand together as we wait for the car to arrive. “Where are you heading?” she breaks the silence hanging between us.

          “Home.” I answer almost without a beat.

          I’m surprised to hear her laugh softly, but I refuse to ponder on it. “Figures. Look, Kyu, it’s New Year’s Eve. And as much as you want to be alone by yourself, I can’t handle the thought of you alone in your home.”

          “Don’t worry about it, Wook. I need this—some time alone. I rarely have it with all the cases coming like a freight train.”

          The car arrives and there's a chime. We slide inside and stand next to each other. She presses the basement button and look at me to ask where I’m going. I whisper lobby and she presses the button. When the door slides close, she turns to me. “You know you can always talk to me, Kyu,” she said gently, like a mother to a son.

          I’ve always been an open book for her; so easy to read. Just like I was to Sungmin. “I know that, thanks,” I return her smile when she does.

          There are ten floors left before the lobby; courtesy of working on the 29^th floor. Ryeowook turns to me again with a bright smile and I can’t help but to face her. “Hey. I’m going to this party at a friend’s house and I’m supposed to bring a plus one. But Yesung has an emergency at the hospital so he had to bail.” She grins after that. I know what she’s trying to say. Her eyes almost sparkle with her unspoken request. She’s a dear friend and I’d love to accompany her, but it’s just that I’m not in the mood. I’m simply drowning in this melancholy of mine and I find it quite—inebriating. I suppose I need this.

          I give her a look that says I’d love to but I can’t. She frowns instantly. And when we reach the lobby and I try to step outside, she pushes me inside and quickly presses the close button, and instantly the door closes as if no one was going to go outside. “Yah! What are you doing? My car’s outside the building.”

         She turns around and faces me, her face stern and unyielding. She’s like this when she’s determined to do something. And that something this time would be coaxing me to be her plus one. “You’re coming with me. And I’m not asking anymore. I hate to see you like this. You’ve been distracted since two weeks ago when Hang Geng steps into your office. I don’t know about you but I think you can nail that case easily, so I don’t understand what made you gave up this case. It’s so not you. So I’m dragging you out of your misery tonight.”

          Ryeowook babbling words is her in her lawyer mode. And it’s better not to defy her. But the only sentence that penetrates my messed up mind is how easily I can nail that case. It’s exactly that. I don’t want to win against Sungmin. She’ll hate me more than she already does. I don’t need that. Retreat is what I think is best for me right now. A few moments later the lift stops and the door opens again. Ryeowook immediately grabs my arm and drags me towards her Beemer.

***

          The house is nice; it’s big but minimalistic, the kind of house I would like to have one day. And somehow I know this kind of taste. But I don’t want to lead that thought to anything. Tonight I’ve let myself be dragged by this girl to the party that I don’t even know the host of. Perhaps there’ll be more drinks inside and I can just lose myself completely.

          Ryeowook gave the keys to the valet and she leads me inside. Behind the doors to the foyer I can hear slow and faint music playing, so calming to my ears and agitated heart. It certainly isn’t the party that I imagine it would be. No beers and red punches, only wines and champagnes. No blasting music and swaying hips, only slow waltzing and simple orchestra playing at the great room. People are chattering. It surprises me that some of the attendees are known to me. Most of them lawyers. Something in my chest twinges and my mind flies somewhere restricted. No way. I don’t want to set my hope, although my mind is aching to be impulsive and search the entire house. I don’t care if the house is this huge.

         Only one minute after Ryeowook and I arrive at the common room, my hunch is proved. Probably. “Kyuhyun-ah!” Shindong’s voice sounds surprised but his face is mostly far from appalled. But knowing the big guy, I know he’s as shocked as he sound. But I see some uncertainty and—uneasiness? As if he wasn’t expecting me and it’s not good for me to be here. My heart leaps when he pulls me into a big hug. It’s a brotherly hug and I can’t help but to reciprocate.

          “Hey, Dong,” I say tentatively, not sure if I should look pleased to see him or not. Believe me, I am, but the last time we see each other, the guy broke my nose. After that day I never dared to contact him again. Not without him wanting to break my nose again over being a wimp and not talk to Sungmin. Sungmin. If Shindong is here, and this is Ryeowook’s friend’s party, then—it can’t be. I look to my side and find that Ryeowook’s not there. Probably she’s gone to mingle with her own colleagues. I’m left alone with Shindong.

           “How are you doing?” he asks, sounding a bit unsure but a smile creeps up his still chubby face.

          I nodded repeatedly, “Good, good. You?”

          He frowns a little. “It’s been a long time but I can still know if you’re slightly drunk.”

          I can’t help but laugh at that as he does too. “Well, I wasn’t going to go to this party, I kinda planned to spend the countdown with my pillows and bolsters. But my friend dragged me here so… here I am…” I spread my arms.

          “Oh?” Shindong looks apprehended. “You weren’t invited?”

          I chuckle, “How could I be? I don’t even know the host.”

          Shindong’s brows lifted to his forehead, so high that I think he’ll get a headache. And then he laughs; like a drunken laugh, or an ‘I-give-up’ laugh, leaving me bemused and dumbfounded. When he pulls his self together, he rubs his forehead with his hand and drinks the champagne he’s been holding. It’s pink. There’s only one person I know in this whole world that loves pink champagne. And it’s not Shindong.

          “Christ,” he mutters under his breath after swallowing. “I swear, fate is very tricky.” He then stares at me intently. And at that moment I know. I know whose house this is. I know who Ryeowook’s friend is. I know who the host is—or rather hostess. And if I’m right—which I am, judging by the look on Shindong’s face and the pink champagne—this is also a birthday party right after midnight.

         Good God. I can’t even begin to ponder on what I’m supposed to do. Should I leave? But I don’t have my car. I’ll get to meet her eventually. It’s not like the house is as big as the city of Seoul.

          “Well,” I try to give a retort. “I believe in coincidence, so this must be one of them.”

          Soon as I finish saying that, a familiar beautiful girl dressed in a very lavish golden satin came into my viewpoint. God. She’s never changed, not one tad bit. She’s as beautiful as I remember she used to be. Her smile is still blinding and heart-quivering. What I would do to make that smile caused by me—or at least pointed towards me. Sungmin greets her guests one by one, smiling brightly. And I’m completely dazed at the sight that I become starstruck. I can’t look away.

          I hear Shindong clears his throat and it brings me back to my reality. That’s right. Sungmin is not my reality anymore. “She’s stunning isn’t she?” Shindong says lowly, joining me in scrutinizing her. She’s quite far that I doubt she’ll notice the two of us ogling her.

          “She’s always been.” She has, and everybody knows that. I know that.

          And then the sight isn’t so pleasant anymore. I have to press down the unhealthy bit of jealousy as I see her being taken by Choi Siwon to the dance area. The orchestra’s playing a jazz song and they begin to sway. Too close. Too intimate. Of course, they’re lovers. I snicker to myself. To my misery, to be apt. Siwon whispers something to her ear that makes her laugh gracefully. I really need that pink champagne now. Lots of it. But no. I can’t be impulsive right now. Not when I’m at her house, at her party, only a couple hours before her birthday.

          “Kyu,” Shindong calls. Thankful for the distraction, I turn to him. “I don’t regret hitting you last time.”

          His words were hanging, still unfinished. But I interrupt him. “I deserve it.”

          He exhales. “Let me just ask you one thing. Why weren’t you there at the hospital when she needed you the most?”

          That stings like a bee, deep, deep down inside my chest. I force my throat to speak. “I went, a few hours after your message.” I stop for a sec and look down to my feet. Suddenly the memory is too vivid for me. “But she was asleep. She looked so tired and I knew she’d been crying. I was such a coward, Dong. I was afraid to wake her up only to find her loathing me. I know she lost our baby because of me, because I judged her and she tried to prove me wrong.” Our baby. It sounds so wonderful right now; me and Sungmin having a baby. If only I had realized this back then.

          “I really want to punch you again right now, you know that? If only this isn’t Sungmin’s party, I’d do it, Kyu.” Shindong grits his teeth and I can see him gripping his flute tighter. “How can you be so stupid?” he says, despite himself. I can only shake my head and avert my gaze to Sungmin. Siwon comes back to her with a bouquet of roses and hands it to her. She smiles sweetly and gives him a tight hug. Then that bastard kisses her cheek for good. “The only thing she mumbles in her sleep was your name. Your…ing…name…”

          I whip my head to him again. I don’t remember Sungmin talking in her sleep. I was there with her for quite a long time, about two hours or so, but she was fast asleep while I stole some kisses and continuously her everywhere. “I don’t understand…”

        “She was aching for you, Kyuhyun. She wouldn’t admit it to me but I knew. She would always burst to tears when someone mentioned your name, or if she suddenly remembered the baby, because that reminded her of you. She had talked in her sleeps and it was always your name she whispered. She needed you and yet you weren’t there.”

          I feel like my legs are suddenly wobbling. I’m such an idiot. I should’ve been there longer, at least until she woke. God, even I want to punch myself in the gut now. But my body was freezing and I can only stare at Shindong like a moron. Now I really can’t face her anymore. Not without admitting of how stupid I was, and still am. Idiot! The urge to grab Wookie away from the crowd and lunge to her car was overwhelming. But she’s enjoying her time so much with her friends and colleagues that I don’t dare. I’d really love the ground to just swallow me so that I don’t have to be present for at least a couple more hours.

          I wipe the lone tear on my cheek after realizing Shindong’s concerned gaze towards me. I’d love that punch from him right now. He sighs loudly before rounding his arm around my shoulder and turns me away. And before I was turned completely, Sungmin’s gaze met mine for the briefest second.

          She knows I’m here.

***

        The night air is crisp cold, leaving burning traces in my lungs as I exhale white smoke. The pink champagne is on my right hand and I stare at it for the longest time now. I don’t know what I expect out of it. Perhaps I wish it wasn’t pink; I wish it was golden so that I know I’m not at Sungmin’s party right now. I down the rest of the fluid in one strike and long to throw the flute away. And now I crave for a beer. Or maybe another whiskey. Or a brandy. Anything stronger that could make me forget the here and now. I’m not driving anyway. I can’t bear being inside anymore. Soon as I saw Sungmin laughing and chatting animatedly with Siwon, my heart drops to my stomach and I knew I had to get out of the house. So now I’m standing in the patio on the back of the house, propping my elbows on the railings like some limp loser. Perhaps I am a loser.

          “It’s freezing cold outside, Kyuhyun-ah.”

          I startle at the very familiar and sweet voice. I turn around too hastily, and there Sungmin stands, a mere few feet away from me, hugging herself in her fur coat. Her cheeks flushed from the cold air and her nose red. She’s always like this whenever she’s cold. How long has she been outside? Has she been watching me? I scoff internally; why would she? “I need something to cool my mind,” was all I could manage. I am lost for words with this woman. The woman that used to be my life. Still is, I think.

          Sungmin walks past the tables and chairs and joins me at the railings. She never meets my gaze, instead she looks far away to the dark sky. I couldn’t stop myself from watching her. There’s a stubborn tendril that escapes her hair do, and I itch to tuck it behind her ear. But I refrain myself from doing so. Finally I tear my gaze off her and stare at my entwined hands around the flute. My heart is beating erratically and I can’t control it.

          “I see you’ve given your case to someone else?” Her voice is soft and it runs through my ear like a sweet lullaby. Oh, how I miss hearing her voice.

           I swallow, “Yeah, I’m not really in a good shape to deal a case right now.”

          “Or are you just scared to go against me in court?”

          “No, I’m not scared… I’m just…” afraid that I’ll let you win because I know how much winning means to you. Surely I can’t tell her that.

          I run my hand through my hair, feeling uneasy at her presence. I’m becoming more agitated and I don’t know if it’s the haze    of the alcohol or is it because of her perfume that I used to love. She never changes it even after all these years. When I turn to her, she is gazing at me expectantly, waiting for me to say something. And so I give her something I’ve been wanting to say, “I’m happy for you…” I trail. Somehow I’m fooling myself by giving a fake smile.

          Sungmin frowns. “You look good together with Choi Siwon,” I try to broaden my smile, but it hurts. So I turn away, gazing at the dark backyard of the house.

       fter what feels like an eternity, I shift and straighten my back, planning to go back inside. Somehow standing here with Sungmin is really overwhelming that I can’t take it anymore. But before I can even say my goodbye, she speaks, “How have you been?”

          I stop, and turn to her. She’s gazing up at me, her eyes soft and sweet. “I’m good, you?”

          She shrugs, “Okay.”

         To my surprise, she reaches up and brushes my forehead with her fingers. They’re cold like ice. “You should stop frowning. You’ve got wrinkles here…” she whispers. Then her gaze falls to mine. Just then I realize how close we’re standing.

       “You’re so beautiful,” I say breathlessly, and she looks astounded. And just like that, the dam breaks. “I missed you. I’ve always missed you, Min. I’ve tried to get you out of my head but I’ve always failed. Last week when I got the news that I was going to be facing you at the court, I couldn’t do it. I just can’t. I don’t want to be against you and beat you. I want you to win, I want you to be successful. But I can’t be unprofessional. That’s why I retreated.”

           Sungmin let out a shaky breath but doesn’t say a thing. So I continue.

          “I’m being truthful when I say I’m happy for you and Choi Siwon. He’s good for you and I know he’s a family man,” I pause. Tentatively I reach across and put my hand on her hip, my thumb brushing her stomach. She gasps mildly, her eyes shimmering. “I’m not good for you, for us. I’m sorry. I can only say I’m sorry when I know I’ve done a very terrible thing to you. I killed your baby. Our baby. If I hadn’t been so rough on you, you wouldn’t have left and now we would be holding our two year old son—or daughter. I’m sorry I left you at the hospital. I was scared that you didn’t want to see me, that’s why I didn’t stay. And I regret every single thing I did during that phase. I never stop berating myself for that.

          “And now here you are, looking so lovely and breathtaking as ever, and engaged to a wonderful man. I can’t wish for something better for you. I’m happy that you’re happy,” I finish with a bitter smile, never letting my hand off her hip. Sungmin blinks back the water in her eyes as she swallows. I can’t bear to see he cry, so I decide to go. I lean down to kiss her cheek and bid my goodbye. I don’t care if Wookie’s still partying, I’ll just call a cab to take me home.

          Before I could make it inside the house, I am stopped by her throaty voice. “How do you know if I’m happy?” I blink twice and turn to her. Her face is now drenched in tears and she’s shaking mildly. Oh my sweet, sweet Sungmin. I hate to see her cry. “How do you know if I’m happy or not? Maybe I am not happy at all.”

          I don’t know what to say to that. Is she saying that she’s not happy? But I’ve seen her pictures with Choi Siwon, I saw her dance with him, laughing and giggling. As if she’s forgotten all our pasts, unlike me.

          I can’t take it anymore. I step towards her and reach for her cheeks. I wipe her tears and caress her face. Oh, I miss touching her face. “Don’t cry…” I whisper.

          Sungmin sniffs, “I’ve only cried my tears for you, Kyuhyun.”

          Oh, . Because I can’t take it anymore, impulsively, I pull her to my chest and engulf her with my arms. She doesn’t refuse, but circles her arms around my middle instead. So I tighten my arms and kiss her head, “I’m sorry… I’m so, so sorry that I yelled at you. I’m sorry that I killed our baby…” My tears threaten to fall too.

          “You should’ve stayed…” Sungmin whispers through my jacket. “You should’ve stayed because all I needed was you to soothe me. You didn’t kill our baby, Kyu, I did. And I’m sorry—“

          “Sshh… no, it’s never your fault, Min. Nothing is at your fault…” finally my tears broke and I bury my face in Sungmin’s carefully up-do-ed hair. I cry in silence while she sobs into my chest. I don’t know what this means, but it’s a relief to finally get all my hearts out to the table. She now knows how I feel and I no longer bear any baggage. But she’s taken, and she can’t be mine anymore.

          After a few moments of silence sob, Sungmin pulls away. Her face is beautiful—wet, but beautiful. I smile sadly, knowing that Choi Siwon’s probably waiting for her inside. “Have we settled our past now? Because I think I should let you back to Choi Siwon,” I smile sweetly at her, trying to hide my bitterness and hurt.

Sungmin gazes at me the longest time. Her eyes wide and wary; I can tell she’s anxious—hopeful? Finally, she clasps my arms with her little hands and steps closer again, almost touching her nose with mine. I am really trying my best not to make a pass at her. Does she know what she’s doing to me?

            “I’m not with Siwon, Kyu…” she said slowly.

          What? My brain stops thinking and focuses all its gears on what Sungmin has just said. “But… I saw your engagement picture, it was all over the newspaper… He gave you a huge bouquet of roses…” I trail.

          “I broke up with him last year. And now he’s engaged again,” Sungmin nods her head behind me and I glance back. “The roses were his birthday present for me…” Sure enough, Choi Siwon’s started kissing with whom I know as Hwang Tiffany, the president’s niece. I whip my head back to Sungmin, my mouth hangs open. She was gazing at me apprehensively, for the first time tonight, she seems to be losing her ground.

          “You were wrong, Kyu. He’s not family material. He said he never wanted kids. That’s the start of our huge arguments a few weeks after our engagement. We broke up four months after that—discreetly. And soon after, he met Fany and claimed he fell in love at first sight with her. We’re good friends now, almost as if we never had a past together.”

          “But…” I am speechless again. Sungmin takes a tentative step back. Because of my silence, she seems even more uncertain. Not wanting to let her go again, I grasp her hand and pull her to me again. I don’t need the space between us right now. I need to be close to her, as close as I can be.

           “I guess I miss the news of his second engagement…” I mumble nonchalantly. The stubborn tendril of her hair that escapes is still there. Feeling brave and sure, I tuck it behind her ear. I splay my hand on her cheek and she leans into my hand, relishing my touch. “So where does this lead us?” She blinks her doe eyes at me. God, she’s so beautiful looking like this. I just hope she still feels the way I do about her. Sungmin grasp my hand that is on her face and kisses my palm. “I never stop loving you, Kyu,” she whispers against my palm.

           And it’s like a thousand fireworks explode inside my chest. I can’t believe my ear. I can’t believe my brain. And as if hearing my doubtful thoughts, Sungmin continues.

          “Yes, I was mad at you when I left. But throughout the pregnancy, I longed for you. I remember imagining you carrying our child and going to bed crying because you weren’t there with me,” her lips tremble and the tears start to form again. “When I got the miscarriage, I was hurt real bad physically, and all I needed was you. But I was too stubborn to call you—I was afraid you didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore, more so because I lost the baby.” The tears fall, “I dreamt you were there holding my hand, kissing my face, whispering to my ears. But every time I woke up, I was always alone in the room. You know how much I hate hospital…”

          “I know…” I whisper, wiping her tears again. I lean my forehead with her and she closes her eyes. I grab her face in my hands and she held them. “You weren’t dreaming. I was there, holding you, kissing you. I just left earlier… and I’m sorry for that,” I add quickly.

           She sobs and starts crying ruthlessly, so I pull her to me again, kissing her hair repeatedly. “I love you, Kyuhyun. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t go on without you. I have been living a big chunk of charade all this time, hiding my true self… my true agony of not being with you…” she sobs again.

           “Oh, Sungmin. Please don’t cry. I love you too. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I don’t want to ever let you go again. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done…”

            We embrace each other for eternity. God knows how long we stand outside in the chilling atmosphere until Sungmin shivers. I pulled away and gaze down at her. “You’re freezing, we should go inside.” She nods, but makes no move to let herself go from my embrace. And neither do I. I just want to hold her longer.

             I lean down and stop a couple inches away from . Gazing up to her eyes, I silently ask for permission. Oh, I have gone years without her kiss and I’m crazy for it. I miss it. I miss her. She tips her head up as if saying yes and touches her lips to mine. We kiss tenderly with all the emotion we have left. When we pull away, all I can feel is love. Love towards this woman, this woman whom once bore my child. Whom I’ve wasted stupidly when I was a driven young bastard. Realizing this thing, I take a brave step. I stare deeply into her eyes, and take her hands in mine. I pull them to my lips and softly kiss her knuckles, never leaving her eyes. I am one determined guy.

            Carpe diem.

           “I love you, Sungmin. You are the light of my life, and now I’ve found my light again. I know I might sound silly and it might be too fast… but I want to marry you…” at her widened eyes and surprised face, I hastily continue, “You don’t have to answer now. I’m just telling you that I want you to be my wife. I am more than a hundred percent sure about this, there’s no telling otherwise. I can’t live without you by my side. I’ve tried that for two years and I hated every second of it. I just… I love you so much and I don’t want to let you go… ever…”

            Sungmin jumps to me as she wraps her arms around my neck, making me tumble back but gain my balance swiftly after. “Oh, Kyuhyun! I love you too so much. I am not going anywhere… I’m here for you…” she stops and hugs me for a while. I savor this moment. Her warm little body against mine, despite the cold weather. Her familiar scent that I’ve missed for the past years. God, I love her so that I don’t ever want to let her go from my arms.

          “Yes, I’d love to be your wife… someday…”

           People inside start chanting. Ten! Nine! Eight!

           My year starts with the person I love the most, the one person I would love to grow old with. The one person I want to have children with.

            Four! Three! Two!

           I tighten my arms around Sungmin as she snuggles to my neck. I bury my face to her hair, sniffing her sweet scent and kiss her head endlessly. Her hands start caressing my back and shoulder, and instantly, I am filled with desire and love. I can hear the modest cheers and applause from the great room and I think people are pouring champagne right now.

          “Happy birthday,” I whisper to Sungmin’s head, a wide grin cannot be wiped from my face.

          “Best birthday present ever… I love you,” she whispers back.

          Right here in her arms is home.

          Someday is good enough. Someday is perfect for now. I’ll take her in whatever condition I can.