Mum: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BLAME IT ON ME?! YOU SHOULD SUPERVISE HER SCHOOLWORK SINCE YOU KNOW HOW BUSY I AM!
Dad: YOU ARE BUSY?! COME ON, I'M MORE BUSY THAN YOU ARE. BESIDES, YOU ARE HER MUM! IT'S YOUR JOB

I shut my doors but their quarrels are so deafening. I'm so frustrated, I tried to turn on my headphones to full blast, but to no avail. I couldn't take it any longer, I went straight to them and shouted: 
SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU WERE NEVER AT HOME, AND WHEN YOU ARE ACTUALLY AT HOME, THE BOTH OF YOU ARE JUST QUARRELING. if you can't be bothered with me, then it's fine, really, because it doesn't make a difference. I barely see you guys. my results are my business, not yours, I don't need you guys to push the blame here and there. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! (I dashed out of my house and ran aimlessly.. My tears fall uncontrollably)

Ouch! (I accidentally knocked into a group of girls from my school)

Leader of the girls: Watch where you going!!! OH~ isn't she the stupidest girl in the whole of second year.

Fury ran through my veins, I was so mad at them that I unconsciously walked up to her and gave her a slap "SHUT UP !" Her group came at me and in the end, I sustained all the injuries, with bruises on my face.

I cried even harder than before. I am in pain, physically and mentally. I walked and walked until I reached a familiar house. I dialed on my phone one of the two numbers I can never forget.

Ryosuke: "hello. Miyuki, what's up?"
You: Ryochan, I~ (I wanted to see him, I yearn to see him, I need him..I wanted to tell him this, but...I saw right in front of my eyes a scene that really breaks my heart....Him with his female classmate, who is also a beaut in his class, Haruna...they were holding hands, he has her wrapped up in his arms as he spoke to me on the phone... I was speechless...How should I continue this phone conversation)
Ryosuke: Miyuki!~ are you there?
You: ah yes...
Ryosuke: Are you okay? are you crying?
You: (I don't want him to pity me, so I found my voice and spoke up) I'm fine. Just thinking if you wanna meet up since we haven't met for the past week.
Ryosuke: Sorry Miyuki, I'm err... quite busy... You can call Yuto and check if he's free to meet okay? 
You: (My heart is aching because I know what he's busy with.. his new girlfriend...i feel unwanted, by my parents, by my peers, and even my best friends...and most importantly, my best friend who I have relied on forever, who knows me even without me saying, who I secretly love but never found the courage to tell him cox we are so close with each other.) I'll call Yuto then. bye (I ended the call before he managed to say anything.

I saw them kiss as soon as he put down the phone. he was smiling so brightly. WHY ISN'T IT ME?!

You: Yuto, are you busy as well?
Yuto: Oh Miyuki, how did you know? Haha, I wanted to call you just now. You know what, Yumi from my class just said YES to me!!! I'm so happy, I wanted to tell you and Yamachan immediately.. hahaa, I'm going on a date with her now.
You: (Ouch~ another one) Ok. bye (I can't speak any further)

I knelt on the ground, crying so badly I thought I am going to die. I closed my eyes to calm myself down, but flashes of what I've been through all these years went through my head.

~My parents are workaholic. They barely had time for me. I only see them once a week. Since I'm the only child, there's no one I can play with at home. Fortunately, in my junior high days, I made a pair of awesome guy-friends, Yamada Ryosuke and Nakajima Yuto. They are really the best things that happened to me. They were my confidants, they played with me, accompanied me. We shared our hearts, and happiness, sadness, worries and almost every other thing. We sworn to be best friends forever. Very drama-like, I know, but this is really what happened. That is why I held on till now despite my parents forgetting about me and everything ty that happened, cox they are always here for me. I depended so much on them, that now I realised they have their own girlfriends to take care of, I feel like I am losing them. On top of that, the truth is, I have loved Ryosuke. But, I never dared confess because I feel that if he doesn't feel like that for me, I will have ruined our friendship. I rather keep things that way rather than having him leave me for good.

I cried and cried through the weekends, until there were no more tears. Occasionally I will stare at my handphone contacts "Ryochan" and hoping to press the call button to hear his voice, but I can't do it. And Yuto, on the otherhand, keep texting me how happy he is on the date with haruna. /arhx/ I went through the photos we took together, me-yuto-ryo, me-yuto, yuto-ryo,....me-ryo....

...monday...
My eyes still swollen from the burst of cries I had...i dragged myself to school, regardless how much I did not feel like going. I am already blacklisted by the school for my poor results, truancy, etc. One more time, even the school will abandoned me. My heart and mind are bursting...I wanna tell someone all my sorrows, but I realised there's no longer anyone I can rely on.

In front of me, I saw Ryo-Haruna and Yuto-Yumi....Damn, why must I see them. I wanted to hide from them because it is going to be so awkward, but...

Yuto: Hey sis!
You: (oh~ so now I am their younger sis?~ great, just great:( I forced a smile) Hi guys...
Ryo: It's time for you to get a boyfriend too! Me and Yuto will surely help. (He said with a warm smile)
You: I don't need it. Just let me die alone, alright (OH goodness, what have I just said in front of 4 people. omg did he sense my anger and jealousy...omg i have to get out of here. Without bidding farewell, I left)
Ryo/Yuto: heh? did something happen? (both their girlfriends noticed their boyfriends' worry for me)

...
my phone rang during the recess break
Ryo: Miyuki, are you okay?
Miyuki: yes.
Ryo: Yes? That's all? Just now, you just threw tantrums at our friends. Don't you need to explain?
You: (OMG his last line was like an arrow that shot right through my heart) RYOSUKE! Do you freaking know what I have been through since the last time we met?! Do you know when is the last time we actually sat down together? Do you know that i~ (love you)....You used to be only one who understood me. You used to be the one who stands by me no matter what! but now, I feel you are so distant.
Ryo: Miyuki (before he could continue, I shut my phone, not wanting to reciprocate further.)
...
2 girls stopped me as I was about to leave the school. 
Haruna: Miyuki-san. Yumi and I want to warn you to know your limits when you are around Ryosuke and Yuto. They are not yours now. So, we hope you don't stick with them like you used to. Don't be selfish. We know they worry about you alot, so can you please just stay away if you can so you won't affect them.
Yumi: yes, exactly. We don't like how you keep bothering them.

I stared at them, I don't wanna respond. Yeah, I am a and thats how everyone sees me. Fine. just one more problem on my load. are things gonna get any worst.
...
I hated alcoholic drinks, but i heard it numbs your emotions, so I think I need it...I forced down bottles of drinks as tears continued to roll down my cheeks. I feel people staring at me, but I didn't care. I am already classified a delinquent. It isn't going to change anything so I'll just do whatever I like.

I am surprised I even made it home. I feel so dizzy, like as though the world is rotating around me. I feel so warm and uncomfortable. I don't even feel like myself

"MUM, DAD. It hurts... it hurts here, here and everywhere. I feel horrible... all i ask is a tiny bit of concern...or at least look at me..." I cried. No respond, obviously, they are not home, as usual. I'm all alone, lonelier than ever. I took out my phone and my fingers unconsciously pressed a few numbers.

"Ryosuke...Do you know how horrible I feel? EVeryone thinks I am a delinquent who do stuff that irritates people. My parents feel irritated, the girls think I am stupid, the school thinks I am a troublemaker, you think I am a kid who throws tantrum, your girlfriend thinks I am a ...who cares about who I think I am?! I love you... I really do...I feel so tired..." I ended the call.. oh gosh, I don't even know who I called. My vision is blurry... I am so drowsy, I just collapsed on my carpet floor. Tears continue to fall from the sides of my eyes.

...
My head is spinning, but wait, I am on m bed... Wait, I thought I was on the floor? Hmm, did I recall wrongly. Whatever, my head hurts so bad... but I feel so cozy, with the blanket wrapped over me...A cold towel was placed on my forehead. That's weird, did I do that?

A guy with jeans and white top walked towards me and removed the towel from my forehead. He wiped the tears off my eyes and cheeks. I can't see clearly who he is, but his touch is all too familiar. but it can't be him? He doesn't even know... Oh, it strucked me that the call I made earlier...the stupid confession. oh , did the call really went to Ryosuke...

I rubbed my eyes, hoping I see clearly the guy who sat beside me on my bed. He was speaking on the phone...

guy: she seems unwell. i think she is really hurt.....i'll stay, so don't worry. help me explain to haruna-chan. 

that name again... that .. ahhhh... shut up...I turned myself to face away from the guy. The guy adjusted my blanket so it fully wraps me. it feels so warm..I feel him leaving my bed... unconsciously, I sat up and wrapped my arms around his neck, from the back. I UNCONSCIOUSLY called the name I yearned "Ryosuke~"

The warmth from his back radiates through my veins. His cologne smell is so sweet it melts me. His jawline is so well-defined. My neck rested perfectly on his shoulder. I could see his well-build chest. I hugged him tighter...my tears fell again, and it wet his shirt. I said "Don't leave, please. Not you too. Please."

The voice said "Miyuki~You know we won't leave you. You don't have to worry. You just need to stop us, because sometimes we just took it for granted you will tell us everything. If you're hurting, then just stop us and tell us. We're here always. Look at yourself, you are bleeding from the pain, and you don't even call out to us...Yuto and I, we are both worried about you."

He released my arms and turned around to face me, and now I can see him clearly. The one here with me now, is Ryosuke. I can sense he is saying these words as a good friend, a really good friend. but at this time, this is not oing to comfort me. I want to be spoilt or I will just fall back into the bottomless pit he pulled me out from.

I'm crying and he cupped my face with his palms, wiping off my tears at the same time. His palms are soft and cozy. "Ryosuke...I know we said we will be friends forever, but I ~ I can't help myself... I love you...What am I going to do?! I want you stay with me...Not with Haruna.. Can you do that for me?"

Ryosuke: Miyuki... I'm sorry but this as you know will change everything we shared the past years...I don't want the relationship between us to change, cox I like it that way...I wanna be able to share everything with you, but if we're going to be together, I won't be able to do so anymore. It's all different, you get what I mean. 

he let go off his hands from my face, and seemed like he's backing off. I lost myself finally. I once again wrapped my arms around his neck, to stop him from backing away any further. Before he could respond to my affection, I went straight to his lips. I pressed my lips against his. I can sense that he is shocked, but he didn't resist. I moved my arms that is wrapped around his neck down to his back. embracing him makes me feel so secured, so safe, so cozy. It makes me want him even more. The kiss turned more passionate as I felt his fingers tangled within my hair. For a whole 3 minutes, our lips did not part and very soon, I offered my tongue into his mouth. The feeling is weird cox I never thought we will be sharing a moment like this. We are like buddies. He treated me all the while like a guy, so he was frequently rough with me. But now, he's really delicate. He is irresistible. And the thought about Haruna-chan enjoying such a moment really pisses me. 
My free hands slowly moved into his shirt, and I found myself touching his bare chest. I felt really warm as everything progressed. He moved his lips away from mine, and looked straight into my eyes. It feels awkward looking into his eyes, I blushed. He seems very apologetic and felt like he has alot to say, but he just looked at me with a gentle look on his face. His eyes are dazzling.

He slowly moved towards my neck, and I felt his lips touching. He pulled me into his embrace and he bit my neck. "ah." He tugged me closer to him, my head rested on his chest. We stayed like this for sometime until we slowly laid down beside each other on the bed. Occasionally, we will move towards each other's lips sharing brief moments but they were all really sweet moments. I have forgotten my worries, sadness I suffered for the past week, and I am glad he is here. I held onto his waist and hands the whole time when he was beside me, hoping he wouldn't leave when I wake up...but...

when i woke up, he's not here beside me. All that was left was a plaster on my neck at the spot where he bitten me and a letter...

"Miyuki,

I'm sorry. I think I shouldn't have done all these to you yesterday night, and if you can't forgive me, I can totally understand. But I hope you understand me too. To me, love and friendship are 2 different things and since I have already promised my love to someone else, it is not fair if I have you as well. I'll end up hurting both. I don't wanna hurt you especially. You are special to me. Much more than Haruna-chan, I want to protect you from everything that is hurting you. But, I don't think I am in a position to do anything for you now. Our relationship is much more complex than I thought, and before we manage to forget everything and sort out our feelings, I don't think I can face you. I am sure you don't know how to face me now as well. Right, Miyuki? I do understand you, you see :) For now, don't think about anyone else, except yourself okay. You are stronger than you think. All me and yuto did was to listen to you, we didn't do much. There are people out there for care for you, so live well for them. Yuto is really worried, so you may want to call him too. If you need someone to listen to you, or pull you out from any danger, promise me you call Yuto.. Don't keep it to yourself... Do it for me, okay. Don't cry for those people who don't treasure you, including me.

Love,
Ryosuke (Please stay happy!)
...
I cried and cried. It's a bad decision because my eyes are so swollen. I safely secured the letter Ryosuke wrote in my personal diary and thought to myself what all this meant. As I left home, a tall dude rushed towards me and gave me a tight hug. 

Yuto: "MIYUKI, please tell me you are ok! you are supposed to call me, yamachan said you will, and I've been waiting. Are you avoiding me? Or do you not wanna see me? Did I do something wrong?"
You: (ryosuke is right, yuto is worried. I actually feel happy when he looks so nervous) Yuto~ Thanks for being here for me. I truly am. Don't worry, I am alright now. I promised him I will.
Yuto: Him? anyway, let's get you to school, and you must let me know what happened. I'm sorry I neglected you. And you know what, I know what Haruna and Yumi said to you. Kento-kun heard it. Don't let their words hurt you alright. You don't deserve it. You are much more precious to us than they are. You are like hmmmm our soulmates. so I won't allow any jealous girls to attack you this way okay. Haha, Ryosuke too. I'm sure he'll flip if he knows about it.
You: (I am touched by Yuto's words..tears rolled down again)
Yuto: Oh no, don't cry. Did I say something wrong. Ah, stupid me, I must have. (He rushed to clean my face off the tears)
You: no, I am just happy. Thanks Yuto. But please don't tell Ryosuke about Haruna and Yumi. 
Yuto: Why?
You: (i hugged him) Just don't. 
Yuto: (smiled) Promise. Whatever you say

Before we know it, we reached school. Just then, I saw in front of us, is Haruna-chan wrapping herself around Ryosuke's arm. I thought...she must be loving the moments...

Yuto: Hey! Ya~m (I shut him up. Ryosuke was right, as usual, I don't know how to face him. I think it's better this way. I watched his backview disappeared before me. I have to hold on to myself, in case I dashed and give him a backhug cause it is all so tempting as I recalled yesterday's intimacy)

but if i knew he is going to leave, I would have just held on to him...but now all is too late.

Ryosuke texted me and Yuto saying he will leave for Korea with his parents who are there for a business trip and won't be back until the end of summer break. He never liked going with his parents on business trip so his decision really left us confused. Actually only Yuto was confused. I knew perfectly why he left - to avoid me, to give us time to sort out our feelings. Regardless how much I understood him, I still sometimes hated him for leaving me with the memories of that day where we share a moment of connection. It left me regretting what I did.. If i didn't throw myself at him, he probably won't leave, and everything would be as it is before.
...
2 months of summer break, I thought it is easy for me to settle down my heart. I once in a while took out the letter and reread it to a point I can recite it without looking. These 2 months, other than yearning for him and trying hard to suppress it, it has been good... I wasn't alone because I spent my time with my classmates and Yuto. He broke up with Yumi though, not because of me, but he realised she was so irritating. I actually , but that's the kind of relationship we share...we find happiness it teasing each other and being rude to each other. that's the kind of relationship that Ryosuke talked about, the kind he don't wanna lose. I finally understood him. 
...
I haven't seen Haruna for long, but I actually saw her today with another guy. Yuto heard that she got dumped and cried for a week. but he couldn't verify with Ryosuke if he had really dumped her for someone else, since he was unreachable this 2 months. She saw me and was staring at me with anger in her eyes. WOnder why? but did she find out about us that day. I don't think so... but i cant help but think why Ryosuke dumped her, and who is he with now? A korean girl he met in Korea? LOL..highly possible since he looks so gorgeous.
...
I was walking home restlessly after a long day in school, and stupidly tripped over a rock. OUCH! Blood was flowing out. "AH CRAP.. why am I so clumsy. Damnit it hurts."

I hear footsteps moving closer towards me. Someone bend down. I looked and to my surprise, it was Ryosuke!

I fell on my buttocks the moment I saw him. 

"ah.. hey Ryosuke, you don't have to scare me like that."
Ryosuke: did I?...HAHA...I didn't know you will be scared that easily. Where's the fearless Miyuki I know...
You: I wouldn't be scared if it was others. (, what am i saying. I should try to return things to normal. why am i making things difficult. ah stupid me)
--silence--
He just looked at me with the same gentle face i recalled of him that night. I averted his gaze in case I do something stupid again.
But this time, he cupped my face and forcefully pressed his lips against mine. His arms wrapped over me and his embrace tightened. My hands ran down his hair to his neck, then to his back...That feeling is coming back again...it's so familiar..the feeling that I longed. I also tightened my grip, a embraced him so tight as though he is gonna leave again. he parted my lips and said:
Ryosuke: Miyuki, i sorted out my feelings. I don't want to just be your best friend. I think I love you too! If it's fine with you, I hope we can start over. But of course, if you have decided to stay as it is, I am fine too. I just don't wanna lose you. I am sorry I left like that. I just wanted to find out what are my feelings for you. That day, the time we had struck me. The feeling with you was so different from the usual. I was confused so I thought I should at least know myself before I hurt anyone. 
You: Ryochan. It is only losing you, that I realised how much I love you. 
(We returned to each other's embrace. His head rested on my shoulders, and mine on his... Our arms wrapped around each other and the heat within us radiate though our veins forming a circle of love around us. )
We took a slow walk back to my house. We held hands..His palms over mine feels so good, so warm. I feel so protected, I don't wanna let go. But then, I decided...
I jumped on Ryosuke's back for him to piggyback me home...This way I can feel his back and his warmth and I can have him all to myself.
Ryosuke: Hey...
You: haha. it's not like the first time you piggyback me
Ryosuke: Well, this time is different. 
You: DIfferent in a good way or bad?
Ryosuke: With me loved one, of course it's good.... haha. anytime for you
I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder.
Ryosuke: Miyuki~
You: hmm..
Ryosuke: From now on, if there's anything bothering you, tell me...call me and I will come straight to your house. If your parents neglect you, then I'll be there, I'll fill up the love they fail to give you. If our schoolmates, or people like Haruna or Yumi hurt you, I won't let them off. Don't keep to yourself okay. I will be there for you 24/7, much more than before. If I ever hurt you, let Yuto know. I'm sure he'll give me a good punch to wake me up.
You: Thanks Ryochan. (I gave him a kiss on his cheek as he piggybacked me home)