It’s easier this way,

The distance should dampened my yearning for you

‘Cause I have to play it safe.

And make sure I wouldn’t say anything I might regret.

Or all would be lost.

Worst,

 It’s you, I will lose.

Sometimes it seems like there was nothing and it was just as it was; living and breathing as usual.

Nothing was evoked; everything was placid, as if no secret was ever buried.

Seeing him walking pass by, a small smile on his face as a mean of greetings, a mean of acknowledgement, and only with that, he is satisfied.

By just receiving that he is satisfied.

Standing a few feet away from him, stealing a few meaningful glances just to comfort his own heart, is enough for him. He can’t be greedy. What he has is more than enough. Yes, it is enough.

It’s not like he couldn’t see him.

It’s not like he couldn’t hear him.

It’s not like he couldn’t be with him.

He could even touch him, and be where his beautiful laughter would echo, and he would laugh along with his joke, even be lost in his rare embrace.

And at times, he swears he is in pure happiness. Having the opportunity to still be able to wrap his arms around him, walking with him, side by side, and see that breathtaking smile, imbalanced in a perfect way.

Yes, he is happy.

At least, that’s how he feels, most of the time.

Greed knows not its own capacity until love is thrown into the mixture.

Even if he is so near, even when he had told him he loves him, even when he is with him in every single step to this journey, they were not of true value, never true to the depth of genuineness.

Always, there is a slight emptiness that echoes within him, a space that can never be filled.

They used to inseparable. Two young men with great passion, both hardworking, both were sharing the same dream. They were; no, they are so different.  Yet within the silence they find immeasurable strength, with just the presence of the other, he is infinite.

But he couldn’t say it, he couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t even act the way he should be, the way he deserved to be treated. Because then it would all be real, the love that lies within, crystal clear.

Tiptoeing his way around him, being careful not to let his feelings explode. Alas sometimes he couldn’t help it, but to turn towards him and basks in the rainbow and sunshine he induces. He tried not to be too happy with him, because then his heart would always ask for more, unabashedly; little by little, becoming harder to please. 

So a step away he took, careful to remind himself not to lose astray within his own impossible wish and ridiculous desires.

Still, whenever he holds him, his heart stops beating. Others were free to do that, they are mates after all, but he hinders himself from doing so with him; around him, he hinders a lot.

So, he seeks others and tries to traverse the wide, wide world; a world where he is far from his gravity. Forcing his sight away from him, so he wouldn’t look at him the way he does, longing and in need.

Or even hold him, for fears he would never let go.

For Hoya is invaluable to him, so stunning beyond any heavens he knows, and his gaze conveys it easily, uncontrollable to him. The light within his eyes can never be dimmed; his yearning for him could never be banished. 

And here he stands, always a few feet away. Receiving and giving back the smile, hopelessly rooted to the ground as he watched him get away, and it hurts. It hurts so much; he is unable to express it.

The longing that he has to just reach out and touch him, having the tips of his fingers upon him, tracing and holding him for a moment longer than usual; for him to look the other in his eyes, unreserved, beaming with nothing but love.

Woohyun couldn’t say it, he couldn't do it.

He couldn’t risks spoiling everything that ever exists.

He couldn’t risk losing him.

Because Hoya is the one thing he is unwilling to let go; the one thing he is unable to let go.

All he’d ever wanted has been achieved; the wishes and prayers that were shared became reality. So really, he shouldn’t be greedy.

He shouldn’t ask for more.

A tree he became, embedded and inert, unable to paint his feelings clearly. Only a thin layer of the bark to his heart is exposed to him, and he should be satisfied, he should be happy really, because here he exists, in a world that includes even him.

And that is kind enough; kind enough indeed.

Because still he is there, giving him that smile that makes his heart beats in a funny melody, becoming a reason for him to breathe---even if he is clueless to it.

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A rock he is not.

Emotionless he could never be.

But he was always one to adapt well.

He starts by not talking to him. It’s not like he was one to talk much, but the other is very much a talker; he lives within his feelings. Sometimes they need not words though, the mysterious understanding achieved in silence.

Then he took one step away, two steps, and he slips through his fingers and was suddenly not there when he turns.

A hyung of one month difference, a man with an array of sides, sides he has all seen; his sides that have made him happy, the sides that have saddened him. He could never understand why he is so close, yet feels so far, unreachable.

He is there; he can see him, standing by the corner, lost within his own thoughts.

It was as if a bridge is created between them. The two that used to stand side by side is drifting.

He acts like nothing happened; he smiles and treats him as he should be. What the other sees not is the war within his heart, raging every time he takes another step away.

Because Lee Hoya is a tough man, he is not one to crumble.

And he adapts so well; he had always been.

No longer will he seek his companion. No longer does he choose to be beside him. It was always with someone else, his dazzling being will be with, and he would always swallow the lump in his throat, ignoring the niggling pain within.

But that’s okay.

Because he would turned the other way and see the world moves, ever changing fascination; a perfect distraction from the magnet close by.

Sometimes, just at certain sometimes, he couldn’t handle it.

The thirsts he has for him, makes him chase after him; a subtle and invincible pursuit only known to him. He would quietly be there for him, laugh along to his jokes when they’re recording, and the moment when his familiar bright eyes met his, with that stunning smile on his face; his own face would mirror him.

And happiness bursts within him.

Like fireworks on the night sky, strong and vivid.

And he lives for that moment; the moment where they were connected even if it lasts for only a second.

And it scares him, how his yearnings would grow and only grow.

Because whenever he sees him cry, he wants to wipe his tears away. When he sees him aching, he wants to make the pain disappears, and when he sees that smile so beautiful, he wants to be the reason for its appearance.

He wants to hold him in an embrace and never let go.

He wants to tell Woohyun, he loves him.

Not the way he loves the rest of the members, but the way by which every breath he takes ache, because the words that he kept couldn’t be said. Because it felt like being hit every time he sees him take a step away, killing him little by little.

He wants to kiss his full lips and inhale his scent, to shout at him, look at me and only me.

But he couldn’t, he just couldn’t.

He would stop himself and look away, quietly living in the pain.

A rock he is not, strong he couldn’t even be.

He covers well, that’s all.

But that’s okay, because whenever he smiles at him, he is content.

There are times he would wrap his arms over him, never hesitating.

There are times he would sit beside him and not a word was being spoken, but he feels safe, he feels immeasurable, and the moment is perfection.

There are times where they would share laughter from a joke only the two of them would know, and it felt amazing to know that something is shared between them, and only between them.

There are times when Woohyun and his dazzling sides would greet him, and he acts as if he was unimpressed, cringing even. But the world knows not his heart; the joy bursting is crackling loudly in his heart that is buried well, unheard and unseen.

His heart would do that, even with a simple meeting of the eyes.

Because when he looks at him in that way, smile at him and talk to him, he felt like a kid really; a kid so in need of his love, even the smallest of way is enough. 

Yes, it’s enough.

It should be just enough.

Sometimes I feel invincible, your distance suffocating

I want you, don’t you know that baby?

Tears might not be present, pain might not be obvious.

But love, you know me and how well I cover.

Because you were the one who sets me free, fearless

And here I will stand, pleased.

Because still I can see you and hear you,

 Still I can touch you and hold you.

And even if you are a few feet away, sometimes unreachable,

But as long as you are here, present in my life,

 I am nothing, my dear, but satisfied.

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I don't even know what this is. Me and my Wooya feels are taking a weird turn, and music has been influencing me, messing with my feelings and so, this...whatever this is... was created.

Ahh...but honestly, this is how I see the situation is between the two. Like seriously, why do I go crazy thinking about them, wondering about their feelings and all????

And I was listening to John Park's album Inner Child while writing this. This song was on repeat throughout the time, Where--such a beautiful song (such a beautiful album)-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1jtJXRiPyc

And my heart will explode like firecrackers in the night sky whenever I see these two share moments like these: 

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