Guanine

I don’t understand. I… I don’t even know what to write at this point. How is this even possible? Do you know what happened, or are you just as oblivious as the rest of the world? Maybe I’ll tell you later. Maybe I’ll finish where I started before you get to understand the bigger picture. There is something strange going on, Baekhyun. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. Yet, we know both of our greatest secrets. You’ll see what I mean after I finish my story. After my confession.

I told you I went to study biochemistry and Chen moved away, to his own college. There are things I cannot define and this is one of those things. I couldn’t progress what happened after that. Time went by rather fast and whatever took place without him, couldn’t be realized. Everything happened without him and I felt empty because whatever I told him, he just didn’t understand.

He didn’t understand my studies, the toughness and whatever that came with it. I made new friends, learned new things and exceeded boundaries I didn’t even know they existed. I became a part of a bigger picture, something I secretly always wanted. There was a major difference in mentality once you get to college and I was fairly liking it.

Days and weeks went by and we didn’t even meet up anymore. We used to try and make time, but after a while, it almost seemed as if we both didn’t care anymore. As if it hurt seeing each other again, even though it could happen. There was time. Both of us were just denying it ever existed. We called, texted, but it was not the same.

After three months, something peculiar happened. The imagine I had of Chen started changing and he got projected into something else. It was like everything I knew of him changed. I couldn’t even picture his face anymore and it hurt. I did love him, I swear I did. But it was never the same anymore. Nothing was the same and it irked me. I didn’t like change when it came to relationships.

The fact that he had made it pretty clear before, that our love was something ideological to him and that he needed time… It became pretty obvious that he was using that time right now. He was using it, clearly ignoring my existence and lived on, satisfied with the mere thought of me. It was not enough, just talking about class and our future and day. He just needed my love and nothing more.

How weird could a person get? How was I supposed to react? I couldn’t. He didn’t let me. I was left alone in my dorm room, trying to get a grasp at what was going on. After a while, it didn’t work anymore, how hard I tried and I let it go. Before I knew it, I had let it go. I acted the same way. I didn’t want to be obsessed and paranoid because he didn’t text me for more than two days. That wasn’t him, so he wasn’t him anymore. I acted as if Chen died and this was something else. Some version of Chen I didn’t want to know.

Baekhyun, I’m sure you understand what I mean. You wrote to me that even though all those things happened in your life, you feel satisfied. You did the right thing, even if it hurt other people and most of all, yourself. I don’t know how to justify myself, but things started to go wrong after that.

I met someone. Someone new. Someone exciting. Someone I had feared all my life, because of his weight that got placed on my shoulders. It was a friendship made in a second and tougher, harder than any kind of steel out there. The mere thought of this friendship, made me far more excited than my relationship with Chen.

It never got out of hand. I could maintain my sanity with Tao. I really could. Nevertheless, it was driving me insane. I loved Chen, but the reality Tao gave me was something I craved for. None of them actually had any idea what was going on inside my head, but it was real to me. My heart was waiting for Chen, but my mind couldn’t let go of Tao.

Tao, straight, was a friend I needed, but couldn’t handle. He liked skinship and drunk parties, to which he dragged me. We had fun, but even I had my limits. I couldn’t’ handle his simple touches, hugs and looks. It made me confused. He knew I had a boyfriend. He knew I was different. He knew. Nevertheless, he couldn’t stop enchanting me. He was made into my religion. He was the only person I came to believe in.

That was weird and uncalled for. Every time I tried to get myself over it, Tao would do something cute or kind and my brain would explode. It could get me on my knees, angry at the world. I wanted to scream at both of them, only one person would answer. Tao was there for me, when Chen wasn’t.

Chen ignored me until it drove me mad. It drove me to insanity.

Because af