Adenine

If you are able to give me one definition of life and all its difficulties and explain why it matters, knowing its substance- please enlighten me for I am oblivious. I do not know. I know nothing. There isn’t any kind of feeling I can define without coming back to the definition of being alive. I always feel like this is some kind of joke. However, I’m smart enough to realize that childish thoughts won’t sustain.

I’m a scientist, you see. Science is, looking at its definition, the art of knowledge. However, science and art are not related. It’s a joke I like to make. The funny part is that it’s not even something to laugh about. Being funny and smart at the same time is life’s gift. An undefined life and gifts of the unknown. I don’t like thinking about these kinds of things, but deep inside I feel like I should finally come clean about myself.

You see, I don’t think I have committed a crime against humanity. When I think about the Bible and whatnot, I should feel safe. I can feel safe. I mean, I have not killed, cursed, hurt or stolen. My conscious should be clear. Nevertheless, maybe I am even worse than all of those pulled together into one word. I am a liar. I lie to myself, to everyone and even to you. Even though I promised myself to be completely honest with myself, writing this down.  

Let’s talk a bit about me before I continue and break down my wall, brick by brick. My name is Suho and more than that is quite irrelevant. I’m almost twenty years old, study science (biochemistry to be precise) and I love cats more than anything in the world. I bonded with a black cat outside my dorm a few weeks ago and it’s probably the best thing I’ve done since I got here. I’m in my third year of university and have three more years to go.

The fact about studying that I like so much is that I’m not responsible at all. I have control over what I do and don’t, but my parents still pay all my bills. Being a student is precious because this will be the only time I don’t have to worry about things I don’t even like. I don’t trust myself yet, heck I don’t even ride a car at this age. Maybe I’m still in denial, growing up. Maybe I am. I don’t know.

I consider myself being quite handsome, but not outstanding. People liked or disliked my looks, but I’ve never received hate for being myself. Well, not because of my appearance. I have a rather tough personality and I’m trying to put it out there, trying to make you see. Let’s say that I’m just an average guy who could be more than he is now. I don’t feel like overdoing it.

Back to the joke part. I can’t really stop thinking about this philosophy. I mean, you’re not you. Think about it. You’re just a random code, consisting of adenine, thymine, guanine and cytosine. One of DNA’s building blocks and forming the code to your being. One mistake, one mutation and you’re done or better than you will ever be. Isn’t that… cruel?

Still, we don’t know anything about that code yet. Don’t be fooled by what scientists try telling you. They know as much as you do. Nothing. That’s also something funny about life. We let other people do the difficult work for us, because we’re apparently not smart enough- while the people who took these jobs know no better. Funny or unpleasant. That’s up to you to decide.

More than anything I’m aware of the fact that I’m not even a sad person. I’m not. I can easily halt my life and mentally start all over again. That’s how I am. That’s what my user’s manual is like. However, this is not something I can be proud of. It’s bad. It’s evil. It’s the haunting thing that makes my life miserable. From the awkward first romances I’ve ever been in, to the last profound one.

You see, when you’re little, it doesn’t matter who you are. You can be anything. From a prince to someone who sells ice cream at the beach. I used to be a police officer and slapped people with a shovel on the playground when they did something nasty. I’ve always had a strong personality, even as a kid. Nevertheless, I was aware of what I was doing and changed myself every now and then. Back then, you are what you are. Whether you want it or not.

Until I realized what I started this letter with. When you are at the certain age and find out that no one actually knows what life is all about, you fall into a deep well. This particular moment happened to me when I was at a friend’s house. His name was Junhong. We were both thirteen, almost fourteen years old and I hope you realize that it was that age. The age parents despise…

Junhong, believe it or not, had even a stronger personality than I had and I actually liked being dominated and bossed around by him. I was comfortable disappearing in his shadow while he took care of most important things. Before I knew it, I completely let myself fade away in order for him to shine. Now that I look back at it, I know that he was the only thing I craved for in my thirteen years of life: stability. Even though he treated me like crap, I could always rely on him. That was the reason why we were inseparable.

I was at his house, a few days before my birthday and we were watching a scary movie together. This was something we had never done and both of us wer