jongdae’s five weeks into the new school year and she’s already had two breakdowns. she doesnt know anybody in the high school she’s currently attending and her classmates dont plan on getting to know her. she’s lonely and she wishes she could afford to be in the same private high school with her best friend. joonmyun’s family had been nice enough to offer some tuition help but jongdae’s family refused out of pride.

she still talks to him of course, but it’s really more of a how are you? how’s school?  kind of thing. she doesnt like it one bit, but it’s no one’s fault. high school the life out of you and leaves you bleeding dry. everyday seems to drag on, each day seeming to be longer than the last. she wants out of it, really. she wants out of her introvert-like personality and wants to change-wants to be different.

but it’s difficult to when you your self-esteem is the size of smallest object in the world--whatever it is. it also doesnt help that she’s developed this sort of fear in socializing with anybody. she supposes it could be from the trust issues she’s developed in junior high but she’s not sure. too many things happened to her at an early stage in her life.

she walks to her seat in fourth period english and tears start to flood her eyes. she cant take this anymore, it hurts to be alone and have no one there for you. she it up though, because even if kim jongdae has the lowest self confidence in herself, she is not a crybaby. she likes to think of herself as strong only because she’s afraid of what would happen when she breaks one day.

she blinks away her tears and starts writing down the warm up on the board. she feels a tap on her right shoulder and she turns to the person who disturbed her concentration.

“hey, is it alright if i borrow a pencil? i left my pouch at home,” a boy stares at her with cold eyes. he’s got a nice face, jongdae must admit, and his voice sounds warms and inviting. but she can tell by his eyes that he’s anything but.

she pulls out her pencil pouch wordlessly and gives him her spare mechanical pencil. his lips lift up on one side crookedly and jongdae almost swears that everything stopped in that moment. but she just brushes it off and goes back to writing.

it becomes an everyday thing during fourth period, the boy who sits to the right of her, kim jongin, borrows her pencil from her everyday. jongdae would be lying if she were to say she was annoyed with his little habit.

soon enough, she starts seeing jongin more and more everywhere in school. she sees him when she’s in line to get her lunch, when she’s transitioning to her next subject, and when she’s rushing to get out of school to get to the safety of her home.

it doesnt take long her to develop this stupid little crush on him and jongdae’s thankful she developed some feelings. if she didn’t she’d probably be dead right now from overdose of sleeping pills or something.

she has a lot of free time since she finishes everything in her classes so she has all the time to stalk jongin on social media sites.

which is a ing terrible idea because jongin’s sort of in-love with this girl named oh sehun but apparently she moved to a different city. but that doesnt mean jongin’s not over her. she learns that jongin’s had one girlfriend before-park chanyeol. they obviously didn’t last and jongdae is relieved when she learns that theyre not exactly on good terms anymore. she knows how horrible it is to have to end things with people in a bad way, but hey, no one ever said life was going to be fair.

she thinks liking jongin is actually good for her because now she has something to look forward to everyday. but it’s still not enough to distract her from trying to divert the pain she feels in her chest to physical injuries. she knows it’s a bad habit and it’ll be even worse if she gets caught but habits are hard to break.

and she’s starting to think maybe jongin will be a new habit.

jongdae thinks she should at least be close with jongin at this point. like, for ’s sake he borrows her ing pencil everyday. but in all the times he’s even paid attention to her, he’s only talked to her three times. and it was always the same question, ‘can i borrow a pencil?’  during the fourth time he’s borrowed her pencil. all he did was stick his palm out to her and mouthed pencil.

she cant really refuse him.

she’s known jongin for two months now and she still only knows his full name. it’s better than nothing, she thinks to herself and she wipes away the tears that fell on her face mere seconds ago. she stands up and turns the lights off in her room, not bothering to clean up the smeared blood that’s quickly drying on her left arm.

it hurts to be alone and to have no one there for you. and it hurts even more when you fall in love with someone you don’’t know. jongdae learns this the hard way, but in her life it’s always been the hard way.

when jongin asks for her pencil in fourth period, she gathers up the courage to say no. she knows it’s really stupid to be proud of saying no over a ing pencil, but it’s a start to trying to get jongin out of her mind. jongin stares at her with cold eyes again like he did the first time they made eye contact. jongdae gets goosebumps from the feeling of deja vu and shivers. jongin smirks at her and rolls his eyes. he grabs her backpack and takes a pencil out, “you’ve never said no once and i’m gonna make sure you keep it that way.”

jongdae wants to punch him in the face but she doesn’t want to get sent to the office over something small. “stop. give me my pencil back.” she tries her best to make her voice firm, but it all comes out as a squeak and jongdae wants to die at this moment right now. everyone’s staring at the both of them and she’s never taken attention well. “jongin, please,” she practically whines out the last syllable and she feels her cheeks getting wet.

jongin’s cold stare breaks, panic overtaking. he doesnt know what to do and he wasnt expecting this type of reaction from her. he simply gives her back her pencil and tries so so hard not to stare at her after.

for the next few days jongdae doesnt show up to fourth period and no one notices. jongin refuses to even look at her seat and opts to move to the front of the room, to try and run away from the overwhelming guilt he feels whenever he sees anything that reminds him of her.

jongdae stops going to school altogether. she’s tired and done with everything. she wants a normal life and not the one she currently has. she considers running away, but where would she go? it’s nice to have a new start, but why have a new start when you can just have the ending?

jongdae doesnt know how she ended up like this: but somewhere along the lines of all the insults, injuries, and pain she’s had to suffer, she cracked and now she’s falling apart in pieces. she doesnt know when all of it started to be honest. when cutting herself up felt like the only escape from the chronic pain she felt inside of her ot when shutting herself out of the world and her parents became the only option to try and make it seem like everything’s okay.

in her life jongin’s just another stone thrown at her glass figure, leaving her to be crack even more.

and it doesnt end there.

---------------------------------------------------

yO ITS 1 AM AND THIS IS UNEDITED AND IT'S TBH BYE