Seunghyun and me spent time together at home before finally we separated. I have to go to the studio and he went to see John Hyung. He said there is something he had to take care with John Hyung. Actually I am afraid he would leave to Alaska, breaking his promise and leave me, but Seunghyun promised he will not do that. He will discuss about it too with John Hyung, if he could stay longer here.
I am so glad, so happy. Although I also feel guilty and confused of what should I do with Soohyuk. Actually, Seunghyun did not force me into this, he did not even say anything, I think he believes me. And Soohyuk still does not know about what happened between me and Seunghyun. I do not know what to say to him and to my family. It is very frustrating but I know I have to say the truth.
I want to be with Seunghyun and I do not want him to leave me again. I may not be able to handle it especially after what happened last night. I know probably everyone would think I am an idiot and evil but I know how I feel and I don't want to repeat what I have been through in years. I also know I am very guilty on Soohyuk but I can't keep lying to him. It will hurt him putting him in this kind of situation if I keep forcing myself to marry him. I decided I am going to say the truth to Soohyuk and I have to find the right time for it.
Seunghyun and I are going to have a dinner at the loft tonight. I lied to Soohyuk again for it, I told him that I had to stay in the studio. I hate myself more and more for being such a liar.
I arrived at the loft. The television was on but Seunghyun was not there. I went to the balcony and I saw him. He stood looking at the sky. I walked over and hugged him from behind.
" I miss you " I said . He inhaled and my arm. He turned around and looked at me. His hair was very messy and I could smell alcohol from his mouth. Seunghyun looked very strange. I frowned.
" I have something to tell you .. " he said. His voice was so heavy.
"What? " I asked, confused. Somehow I began to feel something bad is going to happen. He looked up at the sky, let out his breath and looked back at me.
" I have to go to Alaska tonight " he said.
" What? But you promised! No, you can’t ! I don’t want you to go!" I shook my head several times.
" Ji .. , listen to me ... " he put his hands on my shoulders trying to calm me down.
" Please don’t go .. " I hugged him tight. I can feel his shaking body. My heart was pounding. I continued to hug him but Seunghyun was silent.
" ... , Ji... sorry I have to go ... " he let go of my arms went inside. Instantly, my head hurt as if someone hit me. I went after him.
Seunghyun tidied up his clothes, there was a laptop and some documents on the bed. I also saw his plane ticket and passport. He really had prepare everything.
" Don’t do this to me!! You promised me!" I was angry. I took his hand and the shirt he was holding fell to the floor. Tears began to fill my eyelids.
" I 'm sorry..., you can hate me... but I have to go ... " he said. I really did not understand his actions. I knew something happened.
"What’s going on?! Why are you doing this? If you really love me, don’t go!" I shouted. He sighed. He tidied up his clothes again.
" It's not going to work... , this is wrong ... " he said without looking at me. I knew he was avoiding me.
" What!? After all that happened?! You’re a ing !! you!!" I swore at him, even though I know he hates me swearing. I was so angry I feel like he was fooling me. I felt like flying to the sky because of him, with him, but then he slammed me back to the ground. It hurts.
" You're right ... I’m an .., Soohyuk ... you can marry him, he’s the right person for you " he said again still not looking at me .
" Don’t say that!! Look at me! Seunghyun Look at me! " I took his hand. He bowed his head. I touched his cheeks and forced him to look at me.
" I love you.., I really love you .. " I said. My tears kept dripping to my cheek. He hugged me and kissed my forehead twice. His body was still shaking.
" I still have to go, take care of yourself ... , I ...lo ... , I have to go.. " he let go of his arms and zippered his back pack.
" Don’t do this!! I hate you!! Don’t leave me!" I kept shouting, whining, craving but he still did not care. He took his jacket. I hugged him. I cried like an madman.
" Let me go! " he pushed me. He really did not care about me anymore. He took his bag and walked out of the room. It feels like a nightmare. And I really hate it,  he lied to me, played me. He really hurt me . He is damaging my heart.
" You’re a ing !!  I hate you!! Fine! Just go!! Don’t ever see me again!! I don’t want to see you again ever for the rest of my life!! Get out of my life!!! And never come back again!" I yelled. He stopped in his tracks when he heard the words, but he did not turn around and then continued to the door and left. He really left me.




3 weeks have passed since Seunghyun left me. I tried to endure the pain and hatred against him but this is much more painful and tormenting than before. Now I have to hate him with all my abilities too. Especially after all telling him all my feelings, his kisses and his touches that until this moment still lingers all over my body. When he was inside me, at least that night was not just a mere but was really an expression of my feelings for him. And now all I feel is empty. It all evaporate, and then disappeared.
I tried to continue my life, even standing up was hard for me. I feel chaotic and almost every time his name came to my mind my tears fell. Seungri had gone suspicious to my attitude and eventually he forced me to talk. Not only that, he also told Daesung and Youngbae my story. They tried to comfort me and keep on supporting me to survive. I know their intentions are good and I appreciate it, but they can't do much, because Seunghyun is their friend too. Daesung said Seunghyun is in Alaska, he had called Daesung and asked how I was doing. Although I was surprised to hear it, I tried hard to not care anymore. For what? I think if he really cares, if he really loves me he will come home to see me and tell me how much he loves me. I won't be fooled by his this act of his, prentending to care while he really don't. Only a fool falls into the same hole.
I do not want to hear anything about him anymore. I bury all the things about him. I was no longer wearing his bracelets. Actually the red bracelet he gave me accidentally got snagged and broke and I didn't see any use in wearing it anymore and besides, I really need to remove all things that remids me of him. I put all those bracelets, also greeting cards from him, and other gifts he gave me into a big box and I keep it in my closet. I wish I won't ever have to see them all again.
I still want to marry Soohyuk, though I'm not really sure about this. I do not know whether I will be happy with him or will I ever love him as much as I love Seunghyun. But perhaps this is the most effective way to forget all of the feelings and memories I had about Seunghyun. I realized that I am so stupid, evil and hypocritical but I am so desperate and do not know what else to do. It is really hurting me. It's grounding and imprisoning me. Maybe if it were not for Seungri , Youngbae , Daesung and my family! I would have already done something stupid. Suicide had crossed my mind once.

I asked Jennie to repeat the same part. She is going to release a new album soon with me as her producer. Jennie nodded. I tried to keep my concentration and focus on listening to her voice.
I looked at Teddy Hyung and he nodded, I know he was also satisfied. I lift my thumb to Jennie and she came out.
"You like it Oppa? " She said. I smiled and nodded .
" Only one last song left, but we should take a break " I said leaning my back on my chair.
" All right. Can we eat ice cream? Maybe it can make you smile " Jennie grinned.
 

Ice cream?
Almond and chocolate ...
 

Jennie's invitation made ​​me think about Seunghyun and it pissed me off. Almost everthing reminded me of with him​​.
"You can go with Teddy Hyung, I'll catch you later " I rejected her politely. Teddy hyung glanced at me. Jennie smiled. Then suddenly the studio door opened with a slam and Seungri came to stand there, staring at us. The three of us turned around in confusion.
" Seungri .. , don’t disturb Jennie!" I sighed. I thought he was going to throw his romantic actions on Jennie again.
"Your prince came princess... " Teddy Hyung giggled. Jennie blushed. Seungri did not react. He came over and gave me a strange look. Then I realized his eyes were filled with tears from crying.
" Hyung .... " sighing, Seungri called me.
" You're so weird Ri... " I frowned.  Teddy hyung and Jennie looked at each other. They looked  as confused as I am.
" Seunghyun hyung .... " Seungri looked at me. I looked into his eyes. I felt as if a lightning just me. My body was shaking. My heart was pounding and my knees were getting weak.
"No!!! Don’t say it ..., I don’t want to hear it... " I started to panic and tears flooded my cheeks . And I fell down on the floor. Seungri kept silent, he also didn't know what  to do.
" What's the matter? " Teddy Hyung asked in my behalf. Jennie touched Seungri 's shoulder trying to ask what really happened. I got up went to Seungri.
" Tell me this is not true!!! It’s a lie!!! No!! It’s a lie!!" I yelled and my hand continuosly hit Seungri. He still did not say anything, he just hugged me, making me cry harder.




It's been 3 days, I was stillcrying and lying on the loft in our room where Seunghyun used to sleep. I kept hugging and kissing his blue shirt , the only thing I got, the only thing he left behind. I csn smell his scent and it made ​​me feel like I am hugging him. I can not believe this, I refuse to believe that Seunghyun is dead.

Don’t leave me Seunghyun ...
 

Hyeyoon Noona, Seunghyun's sister told about Seunghyun’s death to Seungri. It happened so suddenly. According to her, Seunghyun climbed an ice rock alone, but he never returned to the post. They tried to find him but they only found his climbing tools. The worst that could happen was Seunghyun fell. They send a searching team for him, but they still did not find him. Seunghyun was never found and the search was stopped and he was declared dead.
It all sounds ridiculous and absurd to me. I do not want to believe he's dead until I see his body with my own eyes. My heart is very sure he is still alive, somewhere out there and may be struggling to survive but my brain is saying the opposite. No one can survive without food and tools in the extremely cold weather.
I was always worried this kind of thing will eventually happen. His adventures are dangerous, always inviting death and he could die anytime. I always scold him before about this but he never hear me, he always underestimate my worries and he would always say " God loves me Ji .. , I'm not going to die because all of these.., I'm going to die in bed because I’m too old.. "
 

All the memories keep repeating like a movie in my head. I remember the last words I said to him. The words I said when we quarreled, when he left me. It made ​​me more miserable. I feel guilty and I really hate myself.

I don’t want to see you again ever for the rest of my life ..., get out of my life...
 

My parents tried to comfort me and asked me to come home but I refused.  Youngbae, Daesung and Seungri also tried to keep company me but just wanted to be alone. I get angry when they come and try to cheer me up. I do not care about anything, even about myself. I just wish this was all a dream and all these will be over soon. I hope this is an April Fool's joke or a surprise party planned by Seungri. I really hope that Seunghyun would come and stand in front of me. He would hug me and kiss me, and he would tell me how much he misses me and how much he loves me.
Many times I pinched my cheeks and I still feel the pain and it made ​​me felt worse because I know it's not a dream and this is really happening.
" Hyung ... , Soohyuk is here .. " Seungri said, my shoulder. I did not react and my eyes just fo