I sat on the couch, leaning my back. Seungri was sitting beside me, on his left hand a bottle of beer while his right one was typing on his phone. Daesung was standing in front of the window, looking out side, I did not know what he was thinking about. Youngbae sat in a chair not far from Seungri, there was a chess board in front of him and he seemed like he’s thinking hard to figure what move he should take next. The game has been going on for 2 years now and still not finished.

" I don’t think he’s gonna come... " Daesung turned around and looked at me. I did not understand why he was looked at me.

Does he know?

As I got up from my seat. Seungri turned to me.

" Hyung.., where are you going? " Seungri asked pulling my hand. Youngbae and Daesung looked at each other.

" We'll wait a little while longer Ji .. " Youngbae smiled at me. I kept silent and didn’t say anything. I know he is not coming. Last year he did not come either and I didn’t think he’s coming this year too.
 

I knew anyone there is never could help it do whatever he wants, including me .
 

God!!

I miss you fool!

I want to see you!!

Don’t you realize it?

I can only see you once a year ...

Come ... , please ... , come ...Seunghyun ...

" He's always late ... Hyung , you know it .. " Daesung sipped his beer, trying to assure me but I can see that he was not convinced by his own words.

" Seunghyun hyung is such a bastard! I already canceled filming today, and he's not even coming!" Seungri put his feet on the table, he looked very upset and I can understand it. I’m sure he really misses Seunghyun.

Seunghyun, me, Youngbae, Daesung and Seungri are friends since we were in high school. We didn’t go to the same school and had different age, but a miraculous event brought us together. Since then, we named our little gang, Big Bang.

It has been years of friendship and we have been through many things together. Happiness and sadness. Tears and laughs. And I love them so much, as well as they love me. We love and protect each other. Me and Youngbae, we are friends since junior high. Youngbae is a doctor, he settled in Los Angeles now. He is married and his wife is 5 months pregnant now. Daesung is a photographer and lived in Tokyo. He is also married and already had a cute little son from his marriage. Seungri is the youngest amongst us. He is a very famous actor in Korea. He”s still single, and I think that he won’t be marrying anyone anytime soon. Man, he’s such a playboy.

I am a songwriter and a producer in one of the leading agencies in Korea and because of my job, me and Seungri often met. Also because we are the only ones from Big Bang left in Korea. Even so, if there are any chances, we go and visit Daesung and Youngbae.

 
The last one from our group is Seunghyun, the eldest hyung. We have no idea where he is now. He is a year older than me and Youngbae. Seunghyun is a Paleozoologist. And his hobby is travelling to places that maybe other people wouldn’t want to visit. He likes adventures and he always do extreme sports.
He's crazy!

And he makes me crazy..

For years ...

Once we decided to pursue our individual dreams, an idea occurred. At the 114th day in every year we will always meet and spend time together at our loft in an apartment building near the city park. Seunghyun was the mastermind of every Big Bang’s event, including this 114th days celebration thing, initiated on his 20th birthday. The idea came from his wish for the five of us to stay close together in our hearts until whenever, because we had got a new life now and it will be difficult for us to physically meet like gow we used to.

But ...

You are the most difficult to find...

Normally we would stay at the loft for 2 days, telling each other what had happened during the year. Everything. No secrets and no lies.
 

Except one secret...

Yeah ...

I’m in love with Seunghyun ...

Seungri's phone rang and it was enough to make me wake up from my travelling thoughts. Seungri looked at his phone with a frown on his face. Then, he let out a sigh.

He turned to look at to us after finished reading the text he received.

He won’t come...

" Seunghyun hyung can’t come ... " Seungri said pouting . Daesung sighed.

Youngbae drank all of his beer.

" I'm hungry. Let's eat… " I took my jacket without responding to what Seungri said. They all looked at me with a confused eyes.

" He must have got a good reason Ji ... " Youngbae said.

Yeah ..

Climbing a cliff!

"Do you want to eat or not? “ I said.

Say it to you directly or not, I don’t care about it anymore ...

I 've decided ...

I'm tired Seunghyun ...I'm tired of waiting for you...

I'm tired of loving you ...

I looked at cars passing right in front of cafe where we had dinner together. Daesung sat down beside me and in front of us, Youngbae and Seungri were sitting side by side as well.
Seungri and Youngbae kept exchanging jokes. The maknae told us that probably next month he's going to fly to New York for his latest drama filming . After Daesung took some of pictures of us, the boys started talking about Daesung's kid who was just starting to talk. I smiled at them, as mind started to drift aimlessly again. I know I should feel contently happy to be able to get together with them, but somehow it all feels different without him. I can not lie to myself of how much I wanted to meet him, how much I want to hear his voice.
 

To see his smile ...
To see his dimples ...
And maybe ...
Touch him ...
Hug him ...

"Hey, cheer up, Hyung ... " Daesung patted me on the shoulder pulling me back to real life. I turned and smiled at him.
 

"What about calling Hyung now?" Seungri suggested while grinning. I sipped my wine, shaking my head.
"No need to. You know how he is ... " I said . I'm sure he won't answer our call. Seunghyun is always hard to contact, either by calls, or texts, or emails. I wonder what he is doing or thinking now, but he is always like that since then.
"I wonder where he is now ... " Youngbae asked, leaning his back in the chair.

"Only God knows .., no wonder not a single woman can stand him... " Seungri laughed. Youngbae and Daesung laughed with him, but not me. I didn't think Seungri's words are funny, but I tried to cover it with a grin. I didn't want them to feel my solemn mood and what I actually felt.
"But you are like his number one fan and he's forever your role-model, stupid! " Youngbae smacked Seungri’s head. We always think that Seungri is always imitating Seunghyun, unfortunately only his negative sides. As we all know, Seunghyun is such a player. He is very handsome and dashing, and every women adore him.
 

And men ..
A man ..

Me ...

Although we know he is never serious in any of his relationships, but his record in dating is still growing. No one was able to resist his charm and handsome face. Seunghyun can always make anyone fall for him with just one stare.
 

"Yaaaa!" Seungri pouted.
 

"You should marry someone soon Ri, " Daesung grinned.
"I'm not ready Hyung. Marriage is such a hassle," Seungri said laughing. Youngbae shook his head.
"Stop playing around, kid. Stop making scandals. You can't ruin your carrier because of things like that, " Youngbae wrapped his arms around Seungri’s neck.
 

"Ow! It hurts Hyung! Don’t worry, Korea loves me! " Seungri said proudly.

"We'll see .., and don’t you dare run to me and hide at my house whenever paparrazi comes looking for you! " Youngbae hit the back of Seungri's head.
 

" Hyung, hussssh not so loud!! People might recognize me! " Seungri smoothed his jacket, sunglasses and the hat he was wearing that covered almost his entire face. We laughed.
 

"How’s about you Ji? How's the preparation going?" Youngbae asked.

"Good," I said smiling.
 

"After Jiyong Hyung, it means only you maknae! " Daesung touched his forehead.

Seungri shrugged and let out a long breath.
" Why are you forcing me? Stop telling me to get married. And, it's not like I'm the only one unmarried here, there's still Seunghyun hyung, " Seungri pouted.

"He was married stupid! " Daesung replied

"And divorced! He’s still single now! " Seungri grimmed.

Yes, actually Seunghyun was married to his college friend whom he met again in Paris after their graduation. We didn't know much about their relationship, it just suddenly happened. One day he returned to Korea and told us that he's married. He introduced her to us. My heart broken but I was unable to do anything. I was just frozen on the spot, too shock that the news felt like a slap to me. I feel like the rocks on the beach being hit by the wave. My feelings for him doesn't matter. No matter how much I hurt from the news that my beloved one has been married to someone else, I remain silent.

Seunghyun really surprised us all with his marriage, including his family. But apparently his marriage did not last long, because a year later Daesung told us that Seunghyun was divorced. And we never knew what the reason behind it. Seunghyun was always full of surprises and mysteries. He is very secretive and almost never says anything. We never know what he was thinking, or how he felt about things, was he sad or happy. Sometimes I think he is a much better actor  than Seungri is. He appears with all the magic. Seunghyun was always a good listener, he is a very good hyung and we love him very much, especially Seungri. Although Seunghyun often bullies him but Seungri is always Seunghyun's favourite dongsaeng he likes to spoil very much.

" Then maybe you should think about it again Jiyong hyung " Seungri said to me.
 

" What do you mean maknae? " I asked with a frown on my face.
 

" Marriage…, don’t marry the wrong person... , don't end up like Seunghyun hyung .. , he divorced the woman he swore he loved in his marriage vow in front of the priest.. " Seungri said shrugging.
 

" Soohyuk isn’t a playboy like you, idiot! " I threw a napkin at the maknae whi laughed hard.
 

Yeah ...
I will forget Seunghyun.., soon…
Really forget you ...
Soohyuk will make me happy!
Damn it!
Why do I have to love you so much?! I'm getting married! And didn't came but you still torture me!
 

Soohyuk is my fiance and we going to get married soon.

"Damn it maknae! Don’t do that, you're scaring Jiyong! " Youngbae shouted. Daesung and I  just laughed.
 

"But I know after you're married, you will leave me! Just like Youngbae and Daesung hyung! I hate it! I hope Seunghyun hyung will never marry anyone ever again because he's the only one who always care about me and always will care about me, not like the rest of you guys! " Seungri stuck out his tongue to us.
 

"No way! Seunghyun hyung definitely needs to get married again so he can leave you alone and be free," Youngbae teased.
 

"But I guess not.., Seunghyun hyung is too coward to ask the person he wanted the most to marry him " Seungri grinned and glanced at me. I swallowed hard.
 

What do you mean staring me like that, maknae?!
Do you know something about Seunghyun?
That person? Who?
 

" What do you mean maknae? " Daesung grabbed at Seungri’s sleeve. All eyes looked at him with suspicion but he only gave us a grin as an answer.




Youngbae and Seungri played card so excitingly. Daesung cleaned the dinning table. I heard my phone rang, I picked it up and went out to the balcony to answer the phone from Soohyuk.
Soohyuk is in Busan for business, he is a news reporter. He is a good man. We've been in a relationship for 2 years and just 6 months ago, he proposed me. At first I hesitated, but finally I said yes. I was well aware that I can't wait for Seunghyun without certainty, I never know how he felt about me anyway.

He will never love a man  ...
He just looks me as friend..
His dongsaeng..

I know sometimes he cares, really cares about me. But sometimes he really doesn't. I can never dive into his heart to see what he's feeling. And I know that it's so foolish to love him like this. I considered confessing once, but if I tell him my feelings, there's a possibulity that he will stay away from me and our relationship may become awkward and weird and of course this certainly will have its impact on Bigbang. I do not want to ruin our friendship. No, I can not destroy any of it. I can't be selfish. Looking at his face, hearing his voice, that's enough for me. It is the greatest gift I can ever expect from him.
 

Love is painful ...
Loving you…
For 14 years ...
But ..
It's all in vain  ...
This onesided love ...

Without you ..
Without your love ...
 

And then Soohyuk came into my life. He is always good to me. He really loves me and my family love him too. He is very romantic and mature. I am very comfortable being with him, and he is always there for me whenever I needed him.
 

But ...
I’m never sure ...
If I love him ..

Do I?
I don’t know ..
 

All I know is I really need Soohyuk in my life. He is the only one who can make me forget Seunghyun, forget my love to Seunghyun and make me happy. Perhaps, marrying Soohyuk can bring happiness to me and I am sure he will never hurt me. He will not just leave me like what Seunghyun always do. Seunghyun always travel around and leave me.
 

Maybe ..
Soohyuk will make me smile everyday ..
Replace all my tears with laughter ..
Oh my God!
If only Soohyuk is Seunghyun ..
Ji, stop it!
You've already decided!
It’s Soohyuk!
Not Seunghyun!
 

"I know ... , I love you too, baby... , good night..." I said hanging up. Without me knowing, Daesung was standing beside me. I smiled at him. We looked at the view of Seoul night lights in front of us.
 

"I always love Seoul at night, " Daesung said.

"Then stay longer.. " I said .
 

"I can't. I can only stay one more night at my parent's house tomorrow before going back to Tokyo. My job is waiting Hyung ... " Daesung giggled. Somehow I feel guilty. I can never understand why we even try to make it to each anniversary when Seunghyun himself never showed up. When the one who initiate this annual meeting never came, too busy with his job and hobby. Well, we are busy too, but we always try to clear our schedule for this moment.
 

"Maybe we should stop this.. , this is a riddiculous meeting .. , we can just meet anytime. We visiting each other, and.. No need for stupid things like this. We're not kids anymore," I sighed. Daesung smiled fondly at me.
 

"Hyung ... , you know we always come home if there's any chance... Hey.., our parents are here too, you know.. " Daesung patted me on the shoulder. I know, during holidays: Chuseok, Christmas, any family gatherings or whenever they feel like missing their family and friends here, the always flew back to Seoul. And this gathering is one of those important things they come home to. For Seunghyun. Because Seunghyun had asked us to do this years ago.
 

"I know Dae ... , and I know you're gonna ask me to forgive him once again. You know I do, I do forgive him.. , but, he's.. That son of a ! " I was getting annoyed. Daesung laughed.
 

" ... Actually..,  last month, he visited Japan. And we met . " Daesung said looking at me. Seunghyun was always the closest to Daesung. At least I felt Daesung is the only one who had the most contact with Seunghyun. And it makes me jealous sometimes. I am not angry at Daesung, no. I just want to Seunghyun treat me like he treated Daesung.

" ... Of course , only you…, he always visits you ... " I let out my breath. I leaned my body further to the wall and looked down.
 

" But you're the only one who always receive gifts from him... " Daesung said. When I looked over at him, Daesung was looking at my wrist, at my bracelets. I touched the beautiful craft circling the wrist of my right arm. I must admit that what he said was true. Seunghyun always sent me bracelets and greeting cards.
 

Dear Dragon,
Good Night ^ ^
Your Turtle.
 

That short. And usually with those greeting cards, Seunghyun also send various kinds of bracelet. I think he always bought one from every place he visited. I don't understand why he did it. And when I asked him why, he simply answered me with a smile.

I've discussed this with Youngbae, and according to him, Seunghyun is trying to be fair in treating all of us. Seunghyun always replied Seungri's messages, even if Seunghyun can only reply them after 2 to 3 weeks or even months later. With Daesung, Seunghyun would visit him anytime he could. With Youngbae, they would discuss everything and they always play chess together when they meet. But according to Youngbae, I get  much more special treatment than they do, though I don't think it's true. Because I recall perfectly, that Seunghyun never called or sent me a message. Not a single one. He never even  say happy birthday to me, even through a short text. Maybe, maybe he didn't even know my birthday. But Youngbae said, I'm the only one who he sent souvenirs and greeting cards to.
Am I really special ?
I don't think so ...
If I'm that special to you ...
You'll stop travelling all the time and choose me...

"It's just a bracelet .. " I said looking straight ahead again.
"Maybe ... , but do you realize you’re always wearing it Hyung?" Daesung said again. I let out my breath.

"Is he okay out there? ..., I…,  I miss him ..." I was still looking forward. I start to feel my chest tightened.

"I know you do. I told him, you're going to get marry soon," Daesung said. I turned to him.

"You already told him?" I asked. Actually, I am planning to say it to Seunghyun on this occasion. For some reason I wanted to tell him directly. I think it would help me feel better, so I could release all of my feelings to him.

And what did he say?
 

" Um .. , sorry Hyung ... " Daesung said leaning his back on wall. I smiled.
 

" It’s okay. He will find out eventually," I turned my body to stand in the same position with Daesung.
 

" He asked me about Soohyuk Hyung .. " Daesung said.
 

What?
 

I looked at Daesung with full of confusion. My heart started pounding.
 

" I told him that Soohyuk is a good man and he loves you very much," Daesung said again. I bit my lip.

" And ... he .... What did hyung said? " my voice was heavy.

" He just said that ... , he's happy for you ... " Daesung said looking at me. I bit my lip again. I did not know what to say.
 

Only that ?
What does he mean?
Ji ... , come on…
 

I squeezed my fingers. I turned my body to look at the sky.
 

" Hyung ... " Daesung called.
 

" Um ... " I did not look at him.
 

" Find your true happiness ... , before it's too late .... " Daesung squeezed my shoulder. And then walked to the door and left me outside.
 

Oh God..
Don’t do this now…
No…, I can’t ....
I can't tell him ...
I love Seunghyun ..
Always ...
Forever ...
Damn it!




It was almost 2 weeks after our meeting. Daesung had returned to Tokyo. Youngbae returned to Los Angeles a couple of days later. And Seungri was the most wanted super star in Korea because of his silly act that often makes me shake my head. And surprisingly, people still adore him.
The sunshine is so warm today. I felt a soft touch on my right fingers, I turned to find a handsome man smiling at me gently.

" What? " I asked him. Soohyuk stared at me.
" I love you Ji ... " he said. For some reason every time that sentence came out of his mouth, there's always a sense of guilt that came up to me. Not that I hate him saying that but I still felt awkward and didn't know how to react.

" Of course you love me…, I am the iest man in the world " I said laughing. He laughed along with me.

"I probably have to stay over time tonight, I'm sorry ... " he said, looking at me.
"That's okay. I might be in the studio too. The recordings still not perfect, " I said.
" Don’t exhaust yourself Ji... , I don’t want you to get sick " Soohyuk my cheek. I nodded gently. I leaned my head on the car seat and kept staring at him.
How lucky I am to have you...



Soohyuk drove me to the studio and after that he went to his office. Teddy Hyung, my mentor, a friend of mine and also my co-worker have been waiting for me. We will continue the recording process for a new album of one of the boyband in our agency. It makes me feel proud  when someone sings my songs, if they managed to bring all my feelings to the song they're singing.
 

About my feelings ...
About him ..
About Seunghyun ..
 

Almost all of my songs are about him. Sometimes I can hardly believe that I wrote all those songs just because of a small wound in my heart. Perhaps, this is the only way to calm my heart. I can easily adore