*Author’s POV*

Youngbae was in the kitchen and got startled at the noise from his Hyung’s room. He glanced at Jiyong who was still lying on the couch but similarly he too got up as he got shocked at that sudden noise from the eldest Hyung’s room.

“Hyung!” Jiyong exclaimed and immediately got off the couch and headed to the door of his Hyung’s room. He placed his ears at the door first before he knocked it, just to make sure. He could hear his Hyung inside, and he sounded like he’s sobbing, real hard.

Youngbae came up behind Jiyong. “Should we… or not?” Youngbae whispered, uncertain if they should go check out the Hyung because he remembered the door being slammed in his face just days ago.

“I’ll go. Why don’t you go check up on Maknae?” Jiyong told Youngbae. Both the eldest and youngest Seunghyun’s got so drunk last night but the Maknae couldn’t hold his liquor well that he ended up puking the whole night, and now he’s totally exhausted and running a fever.

Youngbae left for small Seunghyun’s room while Jiyong knocked on big Seunghyun’s room gently.

“Hyung, may I come in?” Jiyong asked. He knows the door is unlocked, but he didn’t want to just barge in. Seunghyun didn’t reply but his sobbing could still be heard. “Hyung…” Jiyong said again.

Seunghyun opened the door and Jiyong stumbled slightly since he was leaning against the door.

Seunghyun didn’t say anything but he opened the door bigger to allow Jiyong in. “Lock the door behind you” Seunghyun instructed, allowing the leader in. He picked up the bucket he kicked earlier and placed it at the side of the door, and climbed back in bed, sitting with his legs close to his body at the corner of the bed, hugging on the pink hoodie.

Jiyong came into the room and locked the door behind him. He reached for the bottle of water on the table and passed it to Seunghyun, then sat beside him on the bed. Seunghyun took the bottle and just placed it on the bed, beside his mobile and continued to hug the hoodie while his tears continued streaming down his face slowly.

“Ji… I cannot do this Ji. I cannot leave her!” Seunghyun said amidst his sobs.

Jiyong didn’t expect his Hyung to say anything but now that he did, Jiyong knows that the elder desperately needs someone to talk to at that moment.

“Hyung, calm down. Why are you talking about leaving her? She wants a break-up?” Jiyong enquired as he placed his hands on Seunghyun’s back, them softly.

“I… I don’t know. I don’t even know where she is now. Her father called. He wants me to leave her. But… I… I don’t want to!” Seunghyun hugged on the hoodie even tighter, it looks like the hoodie will be ripped apart if he exerts more pressure on it. “I love her, Ji. So much!” Seunghyun managed to say before he started to sob into the hoodie again.

Jiyong knows his Hyung is in a state of confusion and perhaps shock so he didn’t want to push it. He wants to know what’s wrong but he decided he should wait first until his Hyung calms down before he finds out more. Jiyong got on his knees and wrapped his arms around his Hyung and to his surprise the Hyung willingly lets himself go and cried into the leader’s chest. Jiyong is smaller and shorter than the elder, and he has never once shown such a vulnerable side that Jiyong too got very worried about his Hyung’s current state of mind.

“Shhh… just calm down Hyung. I know you love her but I need you to calm down first before we discuss this ok?” Jiyong said as he hugged his Hyung, rubbing his back softly, hoping he will calm down.

Jiyong knows and has seen both Lee Ann and his Hyung’s love for each other. Jiyong has always been envious of the relationship they have; they’ve been together since childhood and as they grow up, their love for each other got stronger, to the point that both are willing to sacrifice for each other. Jiyong knows how difficult it is for idols like themselves to be in a relationship. Their life is always open to the public and they barely have time to have a private life of their own because of their job. He knows very well because he too dated a few girls but none of them worked out. He himself had to end his relationships because he knows there’s only so much he can give the girls. Similarly, his Hyung and Lee Ann have managed to maintain their relationship, despite the many setbacks. He remembered when Lee Ann was admitted to the hospital; he could see how much she loved Seunghyun to the point of her destroying herself stupidly just because she doesn’t want to shame or embarrass Seunghyun with her imperfection. It is a dumb thought but he can’t blame her fully as well.

After a few minutes, the elder Hyung slowly pulled himself out of Jiyong’s embrace.

“I’m sorry Ji, and thank you” Seunghyun uttered as he wiped off his tears and snot with the back of his hands. He is much calmer now after letting all his emotions out.

“Do we have any schedules today?” Seunghyun asked.

“No, Hyung. It’s our free day but we planned to finish up the producing at the studio later. It’s ok, don’t worry about it. I’ll inform Teddy Hyung that we’d like to take a day off” Jiyong replied. As a leader, he has to understand that s do need some time off as well, especially at moments like this.

Seunghyun just nodded as he reached out for the tissue box to wipe off his tears and snot. Jiyong let him go and sat next to him once again.

“So Hyung, you’re ready to tell me everything now?” Jiyong asked.

Seunghyun nodded and gave out a loud sigh.

“Lee Ann… she’s in the hospital” Seunghyun said.

“What? Again? Which one?” Jiyong cut the elder Hyung.

“I’m not sure, Ji, Her father called me earlier. And he doesn’t want me to see her so he didn’t give me any information to her whereabouts” Seunghyun said, sighing again.

“What happened this time? The same thing?” Jiyong enquired.

“I should think so. Her father said something about me not telling them that she’s sick. But I promised Lee Ann not to tell. Why is it that Lee Ann likes to keep suffering by herself, Ji?” Seunghyun said and his tears slowly gathered again.

“I guess she thinks too much about other people, she tends to forget about herself Hyung. But I thought she’s seeing Dr. Park? You said she seems much better?” Jiyong asked.

“That’s the thing. She told me she’s been going. And I actually believe her because she stopped talking about her weight and insecurities, so I took it that the consultations are doing her good. But when I received the letters few nights back, I realized she’s only been to two sessions thus far. All these while she’s been lying to me, Ji” Seunghyun relayed the truth to Jiyong.

“So you found out and that was why you argued with her over the phone few nights ago?” Jiyong paused. “We… kinda heard every single word, Hyung” Jiyong said, admitting that the Hyung’s conversation that night was very loud.

“Yes, I said some things to her. But I didn’t mean to drop the ‘F’ bomb on her, Ji. I mean, yes I’m so betrayed and disappointed that she lied to me like this. And when I asked her why, she said that she didn’t want me to waste my money on her because she doesn’t need those sessions” Seunghyun replied.

“That’s a typical Lee Ann response” Jiyong interrupted.

“Yes, that’s very typical of her. She’s too bothered about how people will judge her looks, about how she’ll use my money if she goes for those treatments, and she’d rather keep everything to herself so she don’t need to bother everyone else” Seunghyun sighed.

“But how is she now, Hyung?” Jiyong enquired, worried about Lee Ann as well.

“I really don’t know, Ji. And… I don’t know if I should find out further because… because her dad requested something from me. I’m so confused, Ji!” Seunghyun exclaimed and scratched the back of his head aggressively. He also felt his head starting to pound; mixture of a hangover, confusion as well as his crying. He hugged the hoodie tighter and closed his eyes, swallowing hard on his saliva, wishing badly that Lee Ann could soothe his pain like she always has.

“What did her dad say, Hyung?” Jiyong asked.

“Leave. He wanted me to leave… her. How can I do that? I love her!” Seunghyun said and put his face in the hoodie, letting his tears flow again.

Jiyong once again placed his hands behind the Hyung’s back and it. “I know you do, Hyung. But do you know why he said that?” Jiyong asked, still his Hyung’s back slowly, in circles.

Seunghyun took his face out of the hoodie and sniffled, then looked at Jiyong. “He said… it’s for her own good. I think he blames me for Lee Ann’s illness. I take the blame fully, Ji. I know I’m at fault and I put her through this. She deserves better, much better than this. But… Ji… I don’t want to leave her. And I don’t want her to leave me. I haven’t told you this but she’s leaving for Singapore soon, for good!” Seunghyun spilled the truth to the Leader.

“What? Why? And why didn’t you tell me this, Hyung? Lee Ann is my friend too!” Jiyong exclaimed, shocked at what his Hyung just told him.

“I’m sorry, Ji. I didn’t have time. You know I was filming and such. I thought that by going home, I’ll have time to spend with Lee Ann. But I was so wrong. I barely have time to eat Omma’s cooking. This is what I’ve always wanted, but why is it making me so depressed, Ji? Is this the price to fame?” Seunghyun asked his Leader, turning to look into Jiyong eyes, searching for some answers.

Jiyong saw the look on his Hyung’s face. His face was red and wet, his eyes are blood shot, he has snort all over; he looks terrible and terrified. His Hyung may be the eldest and deemed the coolest member of Bigbang, but his Hyung is actually the most sensitive out of s. Jiyong felt that he got Seunghyun into this and feels bad his Hyung is now in such a state. Bigbang’s resident hottie has cracked.

“I’m sorry, Hyung. This is how it is for people like us, Hyung. You’ve been with me too when I cracked and I often asked you the same thing. But that’s just how it is. The past two years hasn’t been easy for any of us, Hyung. But both you and Lee Ann managed to keep it strong regardless of all the setbacks. Do you know how envious I am of you?” Jiyong looked at Seunghyun who is now looking away, just staring blankly at the wall in front of them.

“Hyung, as a leader, it pains me to know that my members are depressed on their insides. It pains me to know that they are just showcasing a fake front to the world. I don’t want that for Bigbang, Hyung. And it pains me more as a brother, knowing that I cannot do anything much about the situation. I don’t want you to give up your career because you sure do have a LOT to give, Hyung. But neither do I want you to give up your love. So what if Lee Ann is leaving Seoul? What’s technology for? It’s not going to be easy but nothing is ever easy, Hyung. Singapore is only six hours away. You can fly there, or we can fly her here, whichever is more convenient. What’s important is both your love, for each other!” Jiyong spoke slowly, his tears started gathering in his eyes. He loves both Seunghyun and Lee Ann, and this situation hurts him as well.

“But Ji… her father hates me. And… and I don’t want to destroy her anymore. I’m the cause of all this, Ji!” Seunghyun said, but he didn’t look at Jiyong. Instead, he now looked at the floor.

“Prove it to him, Hyung! Talk to him; convince him that this will work. Don’t waste all these twelve, thirteen years you had with Lee Ann over what her Dad said!” Jiyong shook his Hyung’s shoulders, trying to wake the elder up because he sensed the elder has given up for some reason. Seunghyun didn’t reply.

“Let’s go look for her first, shall we? I’m very sure Lee Ann’s at SNUH. That’s where she was before and if her Dad knows about us knowing, there should have been records, isn’t it? Come on, Hyung. Go get a shower and we’ll go find her!” Jiyong suggested and instantly the elder’s face brightened up slightly.

“Really, Ji? Thank you, Ji, thank you so much!” Seunghyun immediately grabbed the younger leader and gave him a hug.

(AN HOUR LATER)

*Seunghyun’s POV*

As soon as Jiyong’s manager pulled up in front of the hospital, both of us got out of the car and ran inside towards the nurses’ counter. I remembered the place so I knew exactly where to go. I seriously hope Jiyong is right about Lee Ann being here.

“TOP-ssi? G-Dragon-ssi?” I heard a familiar voice calling out to us as we both headed towards the nurses’ counter. I turned round, and so did Jiyong. It is Dr. Lee, the doctor who treated Lee Ann before.

“Dr. Lee! Oh thank God! Is Lee Ann here?” I immediately asked.

Dr. Lee looked at the both of us, slightly confused. “She transferred to another hospital just this morning. Didn’t you know?” he asked.

“Ermm… we just got back in town so we didn’t have many details. Can you tell us where, Doctor?” Jiyong spoke up.

“She transferred to Chungmu” Dr. Lee said.

“Ah ok, thank you Doctor. Thank you” I said and bowed to him, immediately turning round to go back to the exit. Jiyong did the same.

“Let’s go, Hyung!” Jiyong said and placed his hands on my back to push me out. Both of us ran towards the exit and looked around for the car. We were lucky that Jiyong’s manager just made a turn so when he saw us; he stopped to pick us up again. We got into the car quickly and Jiyong told his manager to head to Chungmu Hospital. Manager Kim Nam Gook quickly abided and drove off, without questioning further. I have a feeling all the managers know about my “love-life” but that’s not of importance right now.

“Hyung, at least we know that she’s been here, and we know where she’s at now. I need you to calm down and maintain your composure. Her father will most probably be there and you’ll need to speak to him later. Be confident about it, Hyung” Jiyong said and he reached out to touch my arms.

I just nodded and closed my eyes, leaning back against the head rest. I’m having a major headache now from all that crying, and I don’t think I’ve fully recovered from last night’s drinking. I hate this about myself; it’s my weakest trait, especially because of how sensitive I can be.

Screw my headache! I want to know how Lee Ann is, and no matter what happens, I will NOT leave her.

“Should I propose to her, Ji?” I said it loud, not on purpose.

“What, Hyung? Propose?” Jiyong looked at me, his eyes wide.

“Yes. I want to make her my wife” I said. Marriage is the only way for me to make her stay with me.

“Hyung, you’re not thinking straight Hyung! Marriage is NOT the solution right now. You’re only twenty! I know you can afford, but that’s all monetary. And think about Lee Ann! She’s only nineteen! No Hyung, not marriage. Not yet” Jiyong said, and I got snapped back to my senses. What was I thinking?

I kept quiet for a while, fully aware that Jiyong is still staring at me from the side. I let out a huge sigh.

“You’re right, Ji. I’m not ready for marriage” I said, agreeing with Jiyong. I cannot be selfish and keep her like this. We both still need to see the world. And I have to admit, I don’t have the slightest capacity to take care of her at all.

Why did I choose this path in life?