Their stare on a handsome, blonde man wearing designer’s clothes and expensive frills that didn’t seem to stand out much now was nothing but disgust and verdict. It was as if the attractive man was walking bare-footed on a desert while being watched by millions of judging eyes. They weren’t really eyes though. He was being watched by millions of judging mouths; mouths that didn’t know anything, mouths pretending like they know everything.

He remembered the first time he saw him, he met him. It was still on the crest of his memory and he knew that no matter what happened and what may happen, he will forever remember the first time they met as the happiest moment of his life. No amount of excruciating judgment from them would make him regret that he went to that place and that he met him.

For he was the happiest thing that ever come to passed in his entire life.

“What about him? Can I have him?” He was pointing his cigarette at the pink-haired man on the stage, dressed in nothing but a turtle-patterened boxers, singing a beautiful piece as he smiled at the audience who was pretty enthusiastic and ecstatic whenever he smiles.

He would never regret the moment he asked to have him; for him to be his possession, for him to be his.

The blonde man slowly leaned closer to the pink-haired. He hesitated, thinking that the pink-haired might push him away. After all, he only bought him for the night. He was surprised when instead of pushing him away the pink-haired man leaned closer and closed his small eyes. He moved his face towards the man beside him and closed the distance between them.

He would never forget the first time they kissed for he knew right at that moment when their lips first touched that he would never want to kiss any other lips besides his again.

“Min… Min… Min…”

The blonde man looked at him funnily and touched the other man’s pink hair, resolving that he would prefer this strawberry-man over anything pink anytime. “What?” he asked.

“Min… Min… Min…”

He couldn’t explain how intoxicating and compelling the other man’s voice was. It wasn’t loud or anything out of the ordinary but to Sungmin, it sounded like an unchained melody; it sounded like the world. “What?” he asked again when his question remained unanswered.

“I love you,” the man beside him confessed.

Then, noticing how flustered the blonde man became, the pink-haired chuckled and added, “Why are you blushing?”

“I’m not blushing,” he retorted.

“I love you,” the other man said again, this time teasing and trying to see the blonde man’s reaction but still, resolve and passion were obvious in his voice, that he really loves him.

“I love you, Min… I love you, Min… I love you, Min…”

It was like a chant, like a hymn or a mantra. It was carved in his body and engraved in his soul. He knew it will remain in him forever. He didn’t know why he didn’t give an “I love you, too,” back then but he was glad.

“Min!”

He ignored it and continued walking.

“Min!”

Still, he ignored it and proceeded.

“Min!”

That time, the pink-haired man finally caught up and stopped him. Before him, his hands were on his knees; he was panting heavily and trying hard to catch his breath.

“Min, why aren’t you answering my calls?”

He stared at him and didn’t speak.

“Min, is there something wrong?”

Again, he stared at him and remained silent.

“Min…”

“I think we should end this.”

He could still remember the painful expression he had when he said those words. There were no explanations needed because from the very start, it was all wrong. He meeting him and he loving him. He and him weren’t supposed to be together after all.

“Why, Min? Didn’t you say you love me?”

Words were nothing compared to what they felt that moment. But what was going on between them has to stop and he knew it. It was wrong. It was wrong to begin with and it will always be wrong even if they’ll continue it.

He almost laughed at the irony of falling for someone he shouldn’t have fallen in love with. Love, it repeated and echoed through his ears like an endless chain of resonance. Love, he thought. If love is truly the most powerful emotion of all, then, how come love is not covering up the pain he was feeling right that moment? He could almost feel his heart ripping.

“Didn’t you say that you’ll teach me everything you know about music if I quit the club? I already quit the club, didn’t I? Didn’t you say that if I go back to the university, we’ll be creating love songs everyday? I went back to the university, right? Didn’t you say that after I graduate, we’ll live together and we’ll make lots of beautiful music and we’ll always love each other until the end? Didn’t you say all of that?”

He wanted to say how much he loves him. He wanted to say how much it kills him to just end everything this way. But he couldn’t because it wasn’t right. He couldn’t because it was all wrong.

“Are all those lies? Min, are all those lies?”

And just like that, he turned his back on the pink-haired man and walked away, biting his lips so hard to stop hisself from crying. So hard that before he knew it, it was bleeding. It didn’t stop the tears though.

“Good bye. I love you, Jongwoon.”

The first time he was actually brave enough to say his true feelings for him were also meant to be the last.

He didn’t know if his decision was right. He didn’t even know if deciding for both of them was the right thing. But he loves him. And he didn’t want him to walk the same way he does on a barren desert, bare-footed, being watched by millions of judging mouths.

* * * * *

End

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