The lights were dim in the night and the streets looked the same as ever. Things never really change do they? Not a peak from the people lying on the floor, all wrapped in whatever they’d found in the nearby streets. That reminded me of how cold it was, every night, the cardboard didn’t help in any way. My footsteps became heavier when I tried to walk in a straight line. Turning corners and comtemplating on which way to go, I randomly shuffled my way down the left. It didn’t even really matter, I was going to end up where I always do. Every single night. It has been same. It never really used to be like this but then, that was before I lost it.

I recalled the moment what just happened this afternoon and chuckled to myself. I remembered the joy I had when I kicked up and made a racket at a hangout. It was supposed to be fun and wreckless, a little moment to kill our overlimit of energy but no one joined me. I guessed they took their side and instead of looking crazy like I did, they just hung around and let me play out my energy. I threw and crashed and kicked the food, table, rubbish and even cats across the air, finding amusement when I trashed the whole place up. It was supposed to kill my boredom but after awhile, the boredom came back. Before the police could catch me, I raced out of the scene.

After that, I had been walking around and doing pretty much nothing. I saw an old alleyway and decided to take the turn. The brick walls made me feel a little claustrophobic so I started to pick up my speed. It turned into a slow jog that turned into a sprint because I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. The walls seemed to draw closer and tighten around me but when I made it out, I felt relieved. At the end, the street was busy with people and there were no cars on the road. Just across from the street, my vision blurred but I still made it. The inconsistent beating and the deafening sound of the worst music I’ve ever heard came from the 3 member band playing as entertainment for the party-goers waiting to get into the club right next to them.

I felt a bit of fun kick in me and I walked across the streets without looking, not even caring if I got hit right then and there. I made my way around the drumset where the members stopped playing and looked at me weirdly. It took a second before I snatched the drumsticks from the drummer’s hand and smashed them straight onto the ground. People around me especially the band were shocked and some frightened about what happened. I smiled seeing their expressions. They all looked so amusing. I then began to shout and kick and scream. I smashed my hand onto the cymbals and thumped my fists onto the many drums. I knocked over a stand with my knees and gave out a yell. The members were furious and tried to stop me. The drummer got a grip on my shirt and heaved me up against the wall. I just smirked when I felt my feet lift from the ground. The drummer’s nostrils were flaring and his face was swollen in red. I breathed in and out hard and without an exchange of words, he started beating me up with his big, hard knuckles.

I felt my head crack back and smash against the brick wall. The pain shot immediately into my head and I swear I could’ve knocked out with that one hit. I shook my head and tried to keep my head up. I could sense that I was about to give way, my eyes turning heavy but I didn’t regret what I did. I never regret; well I never did. The man saw the delight on my face and took offense. He wanted me punished and seeing that I didn’t feign any fear, he kept punching me and kicking at my legs. I could feel bruises and pain shoot everywhere. My limbs grew weak and I could no longer keep my head up. It hurt. It seemed as though the guy got tired and he stopped to catch a breath. Seeing that I didn’t move, he figured that I was probably worse. His hand shivered and he thought about it and if he did enough damage to me. He relented and looked over to his mates who then shrugged. I had my eyes shut and my arms was really sore. My back felt as though he grated it like it was cheese against the wall. I could feel the sting from where all the cuts were on me. I tried to keep as still as possible, knowing that I might get hurt even more if I moved about. After a few quiet seconds, I felt my body drop onto the ground. My mind was still conscious but my body was too tired and I ended up lying there for what seemed like hours.

When I felt as though I was coming back, I opened my eyes to see a familiar dark street. I slowly got up from the ground and tried to stand. I was in near success but had to use the wall for support. There was a bit of blood and the pain had subsided but it was hurting  in many places. When I thought that I was good enough, I started strolling down the streets again. I turned left and right and went around in circles but I didn’t get tired. I was already tired. I hissed when I accidentally stepped on my sprained foot and when people slightly brushed onto my bruises and wounds on my arms. I flicked them off harshly but they just ignored me.

I found my way into a tunnel and I stopped. This wasn’t such a bad place. I took a few steps and looked around a bit more. The ceiling and the walls were made of creamy bricks that have been marked in all kinds of dirt and the overhead lights were flashing about ridiculously making it dark one second and uncomfortably bright the next. There was no one here and the peace got to me. I felt my body relax and the silence made me calm down. My mind was too blurred to even make me do the right thing. I leaned to one side and felt the side of my body hit the wall of the tunnel. I stopped and turned around to face the other wall. I found a useless jacket that was made of feathers and put it on. It was getting a bit chilly and it looked kind of funky. It was funky, with this funky smell too but I didn’t mind.

I squatted onto the ground with nothing to do, I rocked my body back and forth. I touched up my hair a bit and then kept doing so, the same motion of a rocking horse until I got bored. I sighed. This was inevitable. I got up and the feeling to want, no, need to be where I always end up, a routine I do not want to muck up surged through my body and pushed me. I wouldn’t even believe that I had enough energy in me to make it to how far I’ve been tonight. When I knew I arrived, I placed my hands out in front in a fist then raised it quickly above my head, pointing my fingers out in the ‘rock on’ gesture. I made it. My sanction, my haven; this was where I could relieve my boredom, stress, doubts, fear and most of all, my pain. As I stepped into the club, I felt my emotions just click off instantly.

I could feel the loud bass racketing through my whole body and intense pleasure of all the auras around me. The sweat and the noises, the music thumping around the whole room, the stink and the relaxed yet overwhelming atmosphere of it all welcomed me to where I belonged.
I was home.
I squashed through the many bodies that were grazing against one another, leaving no air to breathe properly or even move in any orderly manner. The darkness which was only lit by neon flashes and lasers consumed me and with the good mixes and the bass dropping, I feel my feet start to shuffle and my body start to groove instinctively. With effort, I put my arms up and jumped up and down like a maniac with the music. The people yelling and moving about made me feel inclusive. I let everything wash away and I just focused on the happy surge I was getting and the adrenaline from my half dances. I let the bodies and the toxic flow of it all drown me in nothing but fun. The few times I felt like dropping to the floor, my mind encouraged me too keep dancing and jump about.

When the music stopped to change songs, I felt something. It was coming from somewhere near the left side of my chest. I looked up to see a girl dancing right in front of me. I stepped back and turned to see a guy grinding against this other girl. I turned around in a full circle and what I made out of what I saw, everyone was grinding and dancing, with each other. No care was given and everyone just danced. My head began to fault and my vision blurred. This loud thump of the bass and the overscreeching of the screams and shouts and even the smallest of noises such as the people’s breaths became distant. My body was losing its power and I felt lethargic. As I looked around again, the only thing I could make out was the many flashes of colours from the people’s clothing, then the next thing I noticed were the actual people, the crowd and the amount of people here, the number of people who were surrounding me. It didn’t look like much but my heart swelled up and I felt my insides churn because of this.

This feeling grew inside of me and when I looked around once more, I finally came to realisation.

I was alone.

There was a sudden rush of feelings and it hit me hard. I couldn’t think straight but I knew I wanted to get out of here, out of this crowded yet lonesome place. My feet shifted ahead and I found my way to the bathroom. The pain and the headache was coming back. I could feel all of the emotions I shut off surge back into my body. I fell limp and my heart grew and turned so sore that I felt my lungs hitch up. It was so hard to breathe. It was so hard to move. I felt my hand reach forward when I tried to push the bathroom door open. It was dim in there but the only place I could reach was the first toilet stall.

My body gave up and I felt the adrenaline backfire and fatigue hit me. I crashed badly onto the closed toilet seat and not able to hold it in, I let out my cries. I could feel my insides burn and my whole back shaking. I felt horrible, I felt sick and dirty. It was starting to get so hard and I found myself digging deeper and deeper away. I put all my walls up and I let out my tears. They gashed down furiously, feeling as though I can never stop them. I cried and cried but soon, it slowed down when I realised there were no reasons to. Why was I even crying? I slowly thought about it. I didn’t need to cry. There was no point but then again, there was no point to anything. Then my mind me and rushed through all these excuses and memories. Was I angry? No…yes. Was I sad? No… yes. Was I in pain? That got me. I noticed the silence around me. My breathing became a focus point, then my body. Yeah, it hurt but that wasn’t the only thing.

It was my heart. That’s what hurt the most. The longer I sat there, in deep thought, the more it hurt. I stopped crying by now but my heart still shot in pain. All I could do was focus on my breathing and my heart. I tried to decrease the pain but it didn’t work. I breathed in and then out slowly but that didn’t help my heart beat thrashing faster against my chest. It was starting to really hurt. It was getting so painful I felt as though my heart was going to burst inside me. My heart beat thudded as loud as the bass I could slightly feel in the distance.

I was starting to think why it hurt so much. My mind was a bit clouded and it took me a while. I sat there as still as a rock thinking of the possible answers. I immediately ignored every single answer I thought of. They were all either stupid or impossible. Then, one word made my body freeze. I could feel my heart stop and drop so suddenly to the pits of my stomach. I felt so cold and my head turned even more, my limbs shook violently and I could feel my instincts say that I was right. I felt pathetic and unused. I could make out all these insults in my head, these bad words that described who I am. I kept throwing them at myself, replaying it again and again in my head.

I snapped out and was back into my right mind when I heard the bathroom door open. I eyed the people who loudly came I and disrupted my peace. They were so rude. I didn’t want them to see me and neither did I want to be in the same room as them. I couldn’t let them see me like this. I felt so stupid and dirty among them. I didn’t belong here. I just didn’t belong.

I slowly walked out and back into the crowd of dancing people. The music and the rush, the energy sparked me up again. My pain and my feelings died down a little. I didn’t feel the fun or adrenaline anymore but I felt a bit more lively. I up a breath and just swayed in the same spot. I ignored everything and just let myself go. I let everything go. I couldn’t get myself to think about anything, even breathing, I just let my soul carry me. I shut my eyes and I could feel all my nerves, my body, my emotions go numb. This was all I could do and I’m doing it by myself. I was thinking of nothing but one word. This was the only thing that kept me going but it was also the thing that was killing me. I finally felt a bit of flight and as my eyes were closed, I felt a bit scared. I didn’t open my eyes though and could make out nothing but black. It slowly appeared in the middle, the word which I loved but hated. It was the best word ever. It was the worst word ever but, it defined who I was. It was me.

I was…

CROOKED